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  1. #11

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    Nothing is bad as the feeling of mental rigor mortis. I had that feeling walking through the work hall, thinking there was nothing really at home that things would be meh, but somewhat snapped out of it, but the fog of possibility is there. Have to find something to stimulate my interests so will try to decide whats causing the check engine light on the car. Maybe a good read or a online game thats competive will do the trick?

  2. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    That's what I was thinking, and why I scheduled the evaluation.

    But, I've gone down the counselor+medication+more parental involvement+ yoga+breathing route before.

    I don't think it actually worked, I just got tired of dealing with that routine, and prefered to suffer without all the fuss.

    To tell you the truth, what helped the most was chating with complete strangers on sites like this.

    But I get really scared at times, like I simply won't be able to survive in this mode, and will not be able to hold down this job... or any job. Like I'll be allienating everone I care about if I express how I actually feel.

    Accept the past. Live for the present. Look forward to the future.
    Robot Fusion
    "As our island of knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance." John Wheeler
    "[A] scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy." Richard Feynman
    "[P]etabytes of [] data is not the same thing as understanding emergent mechanisms and structures." Jim Crutchfield

  3. #13
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ygolo View Post
    But, I've gone down the counselor+medication+more parental involvement+ yoga+breathing route before.
    I have too, with mixed results. I'm on attempt #2 right now and am having mixed feelings. I'm at the point where I'm thinking a therapist can only go so far in helping you, however, I did interview a few therapists before deciding. There's a huge huge difference in styles and compatibility. Maybe you just haven't found the right one or found the right combination yet. Or maybe it takes more time.

    To tell you the truth, what helped the most was chating with complete strangers on sites like this.

    But I get really scared at times, like I simply won't be able to survive in this mode, and will not be able to hold down this job... or any job. Like I'll be allienating everone I care about if I express how I actually feel.
    I don't want to sound like a therapist because it's patronizing, but I do want to understand. Can you explain the last paragraph a little more? Which "mode" are you talking about? Who are you afraid of alienating -- family? MBTI people? Why would you be alienating them? Do you think they'll be disappointed or burdened by you?

  4. #14
    The Destroyer Colors's Avatar
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    I feel the same a lot. The worst parts of the depression have lifted, but isntead of feeling sad, I just feel sort of empty and useless.

    Amateur psychology minute: In abnormal psychology class, I read this article about this study by Koliatsos. Basically, when you become depressed, in your brain, natural neurogenesis slows/stops. It sort of atrophies. So even if you don't feel exactly "down" anymore, it can take a long time/effort for you to "grow back" and rewire the parts of your brain which probably make you feel a little hopeless.

    I didn't leave the house at all two days last week. I was being anxious and avoidant and it's so easy to do nothing rather than facing something/anything. I was finally forced to leave the house on Friday. And it ended up feeling good. Doing things like cooking three meals a day and getting some physical activity. It does not feel good. It's tiring and long and blah. But eventually it starts to feel good. I used to believe I had to fix my brain, but now I'm trying to have faith that my body will fix my brain if I give it the right sorts of stimulus.

    I hope you get the help you want/need at the evaluation. (You're a really helpful/caring member around here. )

  5. #15
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    I've cut a lot of tedium out of my life. I'm rarely board, there is always something interesting for me to do, even in moments when you have to carry out tedious tasks... for brain-dead tasks, you at least still have your brain to entertain you. I think a general worldview of finding the humor and ridiculousness in things and perhaps taking not a lot very seriously helps also.

  6. #16

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    Thanks for the support guys.

    When I say "this mode," I mean the mode where I could be "trying" to do something for hours and not have done anything relevant towards it.

    I can try and shut of distractions, but then I just go to sleep.

    It's like I'm telling myself, "I'm done. I'm not playing this game anymore." No matter what my rational brain tries to do, nothing happens.

    It's like there is a filter on, an that the only things I will allow myself to do are things not related to my obligations, or things I need to do to support myself.

    Accept the past. Live for the present. Look forward to the future.
    Robot Fusion
    "As our island of knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance." John Wheeler
    "[A] scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy." Richard Feynman
    "[P]etabytes of [] data is not the same thing as understanding emergent mechanisms and structures." Jim Crutchfield

  7. #17
    Senior Member kuranes's Avatar
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    There is a lot more about your background that I would need to know for this to be anything more than a guess on my part, but I am going to go out on a limb and say that you may be suffering the tension between what the Japanese call "giri" and "ninjo". Maybe cut yourself some slack in the "ninjo" department without necessarily going as far as the shinjinrui. A balance. Give yourself a new hobby, or two, considering how fast I think you may learn to master things. I imagine that it is work and perhaps future school ( ? ) that you are most concerned about, though.

    Your communication style is well structured and diplomatic and so I don't see you upsetting any apple carts due to poor delivery, but there may be no way to euphemize or sugar coat your objections. The ball is in their court, then, in some ways, and not in yours. The employer has "obligations" also.

    I'm maybe forgetting some details, but I'm assuming that the "obligations" are mostly job oriented ? Maybe you can find something else for work, or at least get interested in the search for it. A new company or somewhat different field. If you find something else, it could be that you will want to ease into it with part-time status to begin with. While confidentially exploring this "job change" horizon, possibly talk to a mentor at your company ( or whoever most closely fits that description who also has some authority ) about how you do not feel challenged. Maybe they can promote you or move you into another department at least.

    Also inquire of yourself how much of your pressure comes from outer sources versus inner sources. ( Or outer sources that created inner sources long ago. ) Being your own worst critic has advantages, but it has disadvantages too.
    "The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them that they are being attacked and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
    Reichsfuhrer Herman Goering at the Nuremburg trials.

  8. #18
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ygolo View Post
    Will be going to psych. hospital in a couple of hours, for an evaluation.

    I think I ignored the warning signs.
    Thank goodness.
    Your list looked like the classic symptoms of depression, to me.
    I guess you're probably there right now.
    I hope and pray you get the help you need.

  9. #19
    seor member colmena's Avatar
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    Been there for 2+years. I spent most of the time asleep or watching educational programs. It's like purgatory. Life's just easy enough to keep you going and death would be too much hard work. It cuts especially deep if you were passionate before. But there's also hope there.

    I have my cherished mood swings back now, but having that mind-set for so long means that I still give in to solace every now and then, and create little aphorisms to describe it.

    I believe it can go. I could have done with Jack Flack's suggestion of a time of hard labor, admittedly. I'd go with Edahn's mix it up at work suggestion. Or do some voluntary: a selfless commitment.

    I liked Color's referenced insight. My troubles cropped up after an incident and followed acute '.
    http://badges.mypersonality.info/badge/0/6/68764.png
    Ti Ne Fi Ni

    -How beautiful, this pale Endymion hour.
    -What are you talking about?
    -Endymion, my dear. A beautiful youth possessed by the moon.
    -Well, forget about him and get to bed.
    -Yes, my dear.

  10. #20

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    Quote Originally Posted by kuranes View Post
    There is a lot more about your background that I would need to know for this to be anything more than a guess on my part, but I am going to go out on a limb and say that you may be suffering the tension between what the Japanese call "giri" and "ninjo". Maybe cut yourself some slack in the "ninjo" department without necessarily going as far as the shinjinrui. A balance. Give yourself a new hobby, or two, considering how fast I think you may learn to master things. I imagine that it is work and perhaps future school ( ? ) that you are most concerned about, though.
    Interesting, I am still not sure I understand "giri" and "ninjo." There are Hindu notions of Dharma which may be related. I'm not feeling particularly spiritual or philosophical right now. I just want something to hope for.

    Quote Originally Posted by kuranes View Post
    Your communication style is well structured and diplomatic and so I don't see you upsetting any apple carts due to poor delivery, but there may be no way to euphemize or sugar coat your objections. The ball is in their court, then, in some ways, and not in yours. The employer has "obligations" also.

    I'm maybe forgetting some details, but I'm assuming that the "obligations" are mostly job oriented ? Maybe you can find something else for work, or at least get interested in the search for it. A new company or somewhat different field. If you find something else, it could be that you will want to ease into it with part-time status to begin with. While confidentially exploring this "job change" horizon, possibly talk to a mentor at your company ( or whoever most closely fits that description who also has some authority ) about how you do not feel challenged. Maybe they can promote you or move you into another department at least.
    Work is a big part of it. But I can't believe that this could be the only part of it.

    The current job is one I selected for myself. I am trying to learn a new aspect of the engineering side of things. There is a conceptual component to this work that is quite interesting.

    The feeling of tedium is something that I've had for a while in various job roles. I was starting to think it was company wide, perhaps industry wide. But maybe it is all in my perception.

    There seems to be a general, extremely short term focus on getting the next check-box checked off. With that focus, it is almost always better to do the work manually. But on each occasion, there seems to be a clear cut way to automate the task, so that in all future occasions, the only thing needed would be a few button pushes. But the development time would exceed the time allotted (usually not by much).

    It has been several project cycles in multiple groups that I've seen this sort of thing happen. The methodologies are all similar, but the actual tools and collateral differ. These slight (and often unnecessary) tool/methodology changes between groups, make it hard for us to even develop automatons on our own time, by ourselves.

    I used to create automatons on my own accord, and simply finish the tasks in big chunks with the automatons. But I have gotten tired in general, and now do just plod away manually.

    Think of computer science during the days of punch-cards. They developed OS's and compilers to move the work away from a plodding, mechanized (but by humans) process to a more conceptual approach.

    Unfortunately, in IC design, there is a cultural split. There is a tendency to want to use massive numbers of people to make masks. A lot of automation have been developed, but at the level of transistors and physical devices, the work is still mostly manual. I believe this to be more of a cultural, than a fundamental thing (a lot of EEs who don't understand software or where it can be used effective, but nonetheless can write some code).

    Quote Originally Posted by kuranes View Post
    Also inquire of yourself how much of your pressure comes from outer sources versus inner sources. ( Or outer sources that created inner sources long ago. ) Being your own worst critic has advantages, but it has disadvantages too.
    I don't know exactly. There are a lot of things. I think I am angry at myself for wasting my potential--in letting a pay-check, and the expectations of parents keep me from making a change I believe in (though with heavy dose of doubt).

    Accept the past. Live for the present. Look forward to the future.
    Robot Fusion
    "As our island of knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance." John Wheeler
    "[A] scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy." Richard Feynman
    "[P]etabytes of [] data is not the same thing as understanding emergent mechanisms and structures." Jim Crutchfield

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