First met this ENTJ online and became internet friends. He's retired military, mid-30s, runs a non-profit, and began a start-up this year. Also, he loves to make people feel included/appreciated, his humor is dark, and he really is the "bully's bully." Everyone love him. He is notoriously known for being kind. Our personalities (on the surface) are similar, but there are obvious differences which intrigued me.
During this time I began to understand how much he works: Twice a week he'll go 36 hours without sleep, sleep for 4 hours, and then start all over again. Why? Because his startup is his baby. It takes up all of his time. Because he's a perfectionist, he wears a lot of hats and add way too much to his plate. Ultimately this leads him to being extremely stressed (Hello shadow functions!!). Basically, his work ethic is insane, but I admire his passion/ambition and I love the work he is doing.
Eventually we meet up, and we did make out, but things felt "off." I was surprised because I really thought we'd click. I confessed this to him and he understood. He reasoned that we pushed a romantic agenda and we should just be friends. I agreed. Rather than dropping the subject and moving on, he continued, "I think you're looking for a serious relationship and right now at this point in my life I cannot commit to anything." I understood why; He was investing all of his time in his company. Furthermore, he had started a relationship around the same time he started his start-up, but because he didn't have the time to put into his relationship, it fell a part.
About a week later, I started thinking maybe a FWB relationship wouldn't be bad. We both liked each other, but I needed to spend a little bit more time with him to make sure this was a good idea. He was onboard, but things quickly went downhill.
We argued about our expectations.
He was expecting something easy. I was expecting to hang out once or twice more before hitting a home run.
At one point he said it was "unfair of (me) to be asking that (i.e. quality time) of (him)," but at the same time he wanted to do FWB dates with me. I was like, If he has time to do FWB dates, why not hang out as friends so that they will lead into FWB dates?
This odd potential FWB relationship continued for 4 more weeks. Not even kidding. Twice he invited me over last minute and I couldn't go. Then whenever I suggested hanging out, he wouldn't make plans because he didn't want to cancel in case his work wasn't done on time. When we would argue, he would flip flop on whether or not he wanted to start a FWB relationship. In the heat of the moment, he would said, "We're not having sex. We're just going to be friends," and then the next day we're talking about being FWB again. Eventually, I wanted to know if this thing was going down or not. We got into a fight and haven't spoken for the last few days, but we're still friends on social media.
After some reflection I believe he was upset and lost interest because it wasn't efficient. He wanted more of a booty call and I wanted more of an actual friend plus benefits. Also, I think both of us felt lead on. Plus, I did get a girl crazy with him. Like he said, "You're not the girl for me," and I snapped back, "Of course I'm not! I knew that as soon as you said you couldn't/wouldn't commit."
I'm thinking about reaching out to him in a few weeks. I think a revival is possible, but I don’t want a repeat of this situation. So if anyone has any advice on how to understand him and/or have him understand me, I'm all ears!
During this time I began to understand how much he works: Twice a week he'll go 36 hours without sleep, sleep for 4 hours, and then start all over again. Why? Because his startup is his baby. It takes up all of his time. Because he's a perfectionist, he wears a lot of hats and add way too much to his plate. Ultimately this leads him to being extremely stressed (Hello shadow functions!!). Basically, his work ethic is insane, but I admire his passion/ambition and I love the work he is doing.
Eventually we meet up, and we did make out, but things felt "off." I was surprised because I really thought we'd click. I confessed this to him and he understood. He reasoned that we pushed a romantic agenda and we should just be friends. I agreed. Rather than dropping the subject and moving on, he continued, "I think you're looking for a serious relationship and right now at this point in my life I cannot commit to anything." I understood why; He was investing all of his time in his company. Furthermore, he had started a relationship around the same time he started his start-up, but because he didn't have the time to put into his relationship, it fell a part.
About a week later, I started thinking maybe a FWB relationship wouldn't be bad. We both liked each other, but I needed to spend a little bit more time with him to make sure this was a good idea. He was onboard, but things quickly went downhill.
We argued about our expectations.
He was expecting something easy. I was expecting to hang out once or twice more before hitting a home run.
At one point he said it was "unfair of (me) to be asking that (i.e. quality time) of (him)," but at the same time he wanted to do FWB dates with me. I was like, If he has time to do FWB dates, why not hang out as friends so that they will lead into FWB dates?
This odd potential FWB relationship continued for 4 more weeks. Not even kidding. Twice he invited me over last minute and I couldn't go. Then whenever I suggested hanging out, he wouldn't make plans because he didn't want to cancel in case his work wasn't done on time. When we would argue, he would flip flop on whether or not he wanted to start a FWB relationship. In the heat of the moment, he would said, "We're not having sex. We're just going to be friends," and then the next day we're talking about being FWB again. Eventually, I wanted to know if this thing was going down or not. We got into a fight and haven't spoken for the last few days, but we're still friends on social media.
After some reflection I believe he was upset and lost interest because it wasn't efficient. He wanted more of a booty call and I wanted more of an actual friend plus benefits. Also, I think both of us felt lead on. Plus, I did get a girl crazy with him. Like he said, "You're not the girl for me," and I snapped back, "Of course I'm not! I knew that as soon as you said you couldn't/wouldn't commit."
I'm thinking about reaching out to him in a few weeks. I think a revival is possible, but I don’t want a repeat of this situation. So if anyone has any advice on how to understand him and/or have him understand me, I'm all ears!
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