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  1. #1
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Default INTJs - Do you suffer from a recurring sense of loneliness?

    EDIT: Originally in NF Idyllic, so some posts respond to the original "INFJ" content, not "INTJ". -- Jen

    INTJs - Do you suffer from a recurring sense of loneliness and emptiness?

    I do, and I don't know how to fix it.

    When I feel that way, I feel like it would be so great to have a quiet, private, deep
    conversation with someone, but I can never think of anyone who I could talk to.
    I have thought of journaling, but it leaves me feeling empty because I would like a response.
    I'm not sure if I'm having feelings I haven't identified or dealt with, or what's the matter.
    Frequently, I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all day long.
    I only know that I hate going around feeling that way.

    What do you do?
    Last edited by Bellflower; 09-13-2008 at 11:03 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    INFJs - Do you suffer from a recurring sense of loneliness and emptiness?
    (I'm posting here because I have a high degree of INFJ even though I am mostly INTJ.)

    I do, and I don't know how to fix it.

    When I feel that way, I feel like it would be so great to have a quiet, private, deep conversation with someone, but I can never think of anyone who I could talk to. I have thought of journaling, but it leaves me feeling empty because I would like a response. I'm not sure if I'm having feelings I haven't identified or dealt with, or what's the matter. Frequently, I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all day long. I only know that I hate going around feeling that way.

    What do you do?
    I'm not technically INFJ, but by function strength I am. (Ti + Ni + Ne + Fe).

    It might not even be MBTI, it could simply be certain traits that interact poorly with an environment in which one felt ignored, neglected, and/or alone and misunderstood.

    I'll respond just because I felt this way Saturday night.

    Friday night I felt good enough to play music and dance alone around my apartment

    Saturday, I should have been even happier. I went out for dinner to a nice place with a large group of friends, then out to social gatherings with them. During dinner, despite being engaged in conversation, I felt very alone.

    At the meeting, sitting with someone who I knew understood me, I felt alone.

    And going to a club afterwards, being included socially (the people didn't know me WELL, but they immediately made room for me and we were talking and laughing the whole time), I still felt very alone. I finally excused myself and left before most of them. (I found out later they all went out on the dance floor and had a good time after I went. I was happy for them but knew it would not have improved anything.)

    Some guy hit on me hard as I passed the bar on my way out (yes, I could have spent the night with someone who "wanted" me even just in a physical way); and I knew even if I accepted, I'd still have felt alone.

    So I came home and journaled.
    And still felt alone.

    Even at other times, when when people correspond deeply with me, I still have felt alone.

    Don't ask me. Whatever contact I crave, I can't get it when I'm in that mood, or my need is far greater than anything that a human being can give me. The oddness is that it hurts bad enough that you imagine you might be bleeding to death, yet you won't die. The loneliness endures on some level no matter who is there.

    But sometimes I have felt good. (Like Friday night.) I don't know why. There are many possibilities. Some people look at the "HALT" acronym (HUNGRY-ANGRY-LONELY-TIRED) when they feel unsettled. All those things can meld into each other. So maybe resolving physical stress or getting more sleep or getting your blood sugar up helps with the lonelies.

    i think part of it is also just unresolvable demands from the world to justify/fortify our existence. If we don't feel safe vocalizing all of our needs, or we feel like no one understands our needs, or we have had to deal with environments where we had to live ghosts and had no real voice or presence in the world, or we didn't feel loved for exactly who we were, well, the loneliness permeates. Many people do not question their existence or their identities so deeply; those who have been forced to might consistently feel lonely. I don't know, hon.

    What I do now is try to lose myself in something, whether it is music or nature or whatever else. Or I stop thinking about my existence and try to engage someone else and be there for them. Something to immerse myself in life that occurs outside of who I am, and that detracts from the loneliness. Something that is not passive but more proactive.

    If you're going to tie it to INFJ at all, it would probably trigger in part from the insubstantial nature of Ni coupled with the Fe expectations from others that can NEVER be met... while you feel duty-bound and driven to extend yourself to others via Fe. The drive is relentless. The expectations of how people SHOULD treat each other and connect is huge; and you are so prone to be set up for disappointment unless you have a realistic sense of how the world actually functions and aren't expecting people to meet the ideal standards. and yet the independence/autonomy there from INxx means you are separate from others and have to constantly try to meet your standards, even if no one else meets them... and that you do it independently, quietly, and alone.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  3. #3
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I'm not technically INFJ, but by function strength I am. (Ti + Ni + Ne + Fe).

    It might not even be MBTI, it could simply be certain traits that interact poorly with an environment in which one felt ignored, neglected, and/or alone and misunderstood.

    I'll respond just because I felt this way Saturday night.
    That's okay.
    I was going to post in the NT section but my post had so much about feelings in it, I began to think it was the NF part of me, but now I wonder.


    Friday night I felt good enough to play music and dance alone around my apartment

    Saturday, I should have been even happier. I went out for dinner to a nice place with a large group of friends, then out to social gatherings with them. During dinner, despite being engaged in conversation, I felt very alone.

    At the meeting, sitting with someone who I knew understood me, I felt alone.

    And going to a club afterwards, being included socially (the people didn't know me WELL, but they immediately made room for me and we were talking and laughing the whole time), I still felt very alone.
    ...
    So I came home and journaled.
    And still felt alone.

    Even at other times, when when people correspond deeply with me, I still have felt alone.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
    I feel like you understand.


    Don't ask me. Whatever contact I crave, I can't get it when I'm in that mood, or my need is far greater than anything that a human being can give me. The oddness is that it hurts bad enough that you imagine you might be bleeding to death, yet you won't die. The loneliness endures on some level no matter who is there.
    This morning I was asking God, why, if we're entirely dependent on Him for Love that He doesn't more frequently bestow it.
    Then a little while ago, I received an email from a new gal in our church. She said she had been thinking of me and she included a prayer for me.
    She said a couple of nice things about me that made me feel good, well because she valued my inner spirit, not my outsides.
    And it was like God answering my need for Love.


    But sometimes I have felt good. (Like Friday night.) I don't know why. There are many possibilities. Some people look at the "HALT" acronym (HUNGRY-ANGRY-LONELY-TIRED) when they feel unsettled. All those things can meld into each other. So maybe resolving physical stress or getting more sleep or getting your blood sugar up helps with the lonelies.
    Yes. I just heard of this recently. It does help to look at those things... if I can get to them. Usually they're hiding too far down.

    i think part of it is also just unresolvable demands from the world to justify/fortify our existence. If we don't feel safe vocalizing all of our needs, or we feel like no one understands our needs, or we have had to deal with environments where we had to live ghosts and had no real voice or presence in the world, or we didn't feel loved for exactly who we were, well, the loneliness permeates. Many people do not question their existence or their identities so deeply; those who have been forced to might consistently feel lonely. I don't know, hon.

    That turned on the waterworks.
    Well, now we're getting somewhere.


    What I do now is try to lose myself in something, whether it is music or nature or whatever else. Or I stop thinking about my existence and try to engage someone else and be there for them. Something to immerse myself in life that occurs outside of who I am, and that detracts from the loneliness. Something that is not passive but more proactive.
    Probably a great suggestion.
    I should get on with my day,
    so I can respect myself at the end of it.
    That would go a long way.


    If you're going to tie it to INFJ at all, it would probably trigger in part from the insubstantial nature of Ni coupled with the Fe expectations from others that can NEVER be met... while you feel duty-bound and driven to extend yourself to others via Fe. The drive is relentless. The expectations of how people SHOULD treat each other and connect is huge; and you are so prone to be set up for disappointment unless you have a realistic sense of how the world actually functions and aren't expecting people to meet the ideal standards. and yet the independence/autonomy there from INxx means you are separate from others and have to constantly try to meet your standards, even if no one else meets them... and that you do it independently, quietly, and alone.
    Exactly.

    Thank you.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Pseudonym_Alpha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    INFJs - Do you suffer from a recurring sense of loneliness and emptiness?
    (I'm posting here because I have a high degree of INFJ even though I am mostly INTJ.)

    I do, and I don't know how to fix it.

    When I feel that way, I feel like it would be so great to have a quiet, private, deep
    conversation with someone, but I can never think of anyone who I could talk to.
    I have thought of journaling, but it leaves me feeling empty because I would like a response.
    I'm not sure if I'm having feelings I haven't identified or dealt with, or what's the matter.
    Frequently, I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all day long.
    I only know that I hate going around feeling that way.

    What do you do?
    I find myself in a similar circumstance. It isn't easy, thats for sure

    But, with help from my friends and family, I've seen that openness has its outages, its point if you will, where it is necessary to interactive(ie. it has a time and place).

    I realised that feeling this way consistantly, and always craving that answer, will lead to disappointment, and to improve my quality of life, I decided to interactive with others on their own level, try to speak "their language" if you will.

    Its definitely most enlightening, especially getting to know people on that level, they open up to you in ways you can't imagine, and it is exciting to hear all the new things and ways they are getting along in life.

    So in answer to your question, I don't I have an answer per se, more so a coniditional statement, which is, I don't think you will ever find that answer you're hoping for 100% of the time, I realise it may sound very flat and hard, but its what I believe.

    Hope that helped
    Introverted (I) 53.57% Extroverted (E) 46.43%
    Intuitive (N) 54.55% Sensing (S) 45.45%
    Feeling (F) 65.63% Thinking (T) 34.38%
    Judging (J) 63.64% Perceiving (P) 36.36%


    "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."

    --Albert Einstein

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    This morning I was asking God, why, if we're entirely dependent on Him for Love that He doesn't more frequently bestow it. Then a little while ago, I received an email from a new gal in our church. She said she had been thinking of me and she included a prayer for me. She said a couple of nice things about me that made me feel good, well because she valued my inner spirit, not my outsides. And it was like God answering my need for Love.
    A friend -- someone I only really got to know in the last two months or so -- left a message for me on my phone the other week, on a day I was driving home late at night having just left my house, and I was feeling very alone and abandoned.

    She called about business, mostly. But near the end, completely out of the blue, she just gently said, "... and never forget that I love you."

    Things like that are why cell phones are dangerous when you're driving. Sigh.


    That turned on the waterworks.
    Well, now we're getting somewhere.
    As a writer, my job here is done.

    Exactly.
    Thank you.


    The more I think about it, though, getting out of a mindset where I am alone and isolated (like Ariel trapped in the cloven pine in The Tempest) and instead focused on the external world and engaging it is probably something I need to do, to avoid the endless introspection and clutching at self-identity that ends up putting too much separation between myself and others in my mind.

    Trying to discover who we are, do we automatically make the gulf wider and draw lines that don't actually exist -- or insist on the very demarcations that bring us such pain? Lines that are not as rigid as others might have, because they feel comfortable and don't need to make the boundaries so harsh in order to preserve their sense of identity?
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  6. #6
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Eh, I've felt this way often, but it typically is because of a disconnect in the communication between myself and the people around me. All I need is one and things will be fine, but all the pieces need to be there. Then again, I'm lonely relationship wise as well so that could have something to do with it for me.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  7. #7
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    A friend -- someone I only really got to know in the last two months or so -- left a message for me on my phone the other week, on a day I was driving home late at night having just left my house, and I was feeling very alone and abandoned.

    She called about business, mostly. But near the end, completely out of the blue, she just gently said, "... and never forget that I love you."

    Things like that are why cell phones are dangerous when you're driving. Sigh.
    We never know how much what we say will impact someone else.
    That's wonderful.

    As a writer, my job here is done.
    tee-hee
    You reminded me, as a singer, I love it when a song I sing makes people cry.



    The more I think about it, though, getting out of a mindset where I am alone and isolated (like Ariel trapped in the cloven pine in The Tempest) and instead focused on the external world and engaging it is probably something I need to do, to avoid the endless introspection and clutching at self-identity that ends up putting too much separation between myself and others in my mind. (see edit above)
    I think you're right.
    Time to go make cupcakes.

  8. #8
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pseudonym_Alpha View Post
    ...
    I realised that feeling this way consistantly, and always craving that answer, will lead to disappointment, and to improve my quality of life, I decided to interactive with others on their own level, try to speak "their language" if you will.

    Its definitely most enlightening, especially getting to know people on that level, they open up to you in ways you can't imagine, and it is exciting to hear all the new things and ways they are getting along in life.
    ...
    I guess I'm not enough of an "F" to benefit from this behavior,
    but thank you for responding.


    Maybe this is an NT question after all?

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    I think you're right.
    Time to go make cupcakes.
    Yum!

    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #10
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    Yeah, I'm basically lonely most of the time, even around my friends. The trick is to find someone else who "gets it". Unfortunately, I've come across very few of those people in my life...

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