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  1. #11
    Senior Member edcoaching's Avatar
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    One thing I've learned is that I think I should be able to solve everything myself and actually isolate myself when I most need help. I've heard that from lots of INJ's. We even go to books rather than people to find answers

    I've made myself regularly meet with a set of 3 dear friends--we do pray and study together. I make myself share very real concerns. Our kids are the same age and we find we're in similar dilemmas. They often have great advice and frequently give me a needed kick in the pants on many fronts.
    edcoaching

  2. #12
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by edcoaching View Post
    One thing I've learned is that I think I should be able to solve everything myself and actually isolate myself when I most need help. I've heard that from lots of INJ's. We even go to books rather than people to find answers

    I've made myself regularly meet with a set of 3 dear friends--we do pray and study together. I make myself share very real concerns. Our kids are the same age and we find we're in similar dilemmas. They often have great advice and frequently give me a needed kick in the pants on many fronts.
    I understand what you're saying, and I know I do that, but I can't say I think it's wrong.
    I mean, isolating myself isn't good, I know that.
    Not that I isolate myself.
    It's that I LIVE an isolated existence pretty much,
    except for my responsibilities of managing my household,
    and a women's Bible study I belong to.

    But I hate cultivating relationships.
    It's too time consuming and mostly purposeless.
    Cause I don't want to go shopping,
    I don't want to sit around and gossip over coffee
    and I don't want to spend money frivolously.
    And then when I get lonely,
    I realize I have no one I have been cultivating relationships.

    The women in my Bible study are mostly elderly.
    We are supposed to get a new gal this year who I know.
    She's an ENTP.
    And now that I think of it, I could call her.
    We've talked before and she's great.

    But as far as consulting books goes, I once knew an ESTP who would ask everyone for advice, and then do whatever she decided was best. I have a tendency to want to consult with people who are EXPERTS in their field. Since I don't know people like that, it's understandable that I would seek out their advice in a book or online.

    Oh, and I never need a swift kick in the behind.

  3. #13
    Don't Judge Me! Haphazard's Avatar
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    Sometimes.

    Sometimes I don't even want a conversation. Sometimes I just want somebody to be there...

    They are short bursts, though. Usually not enough to actually work to, like, call for remedying it.
    -Carefully taking sips from the Fire Hose of Knowledge

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haphazard View Post
    Sometimes I don't even want a conversation. Sometimes I just want somebody to be there...
    This site may be able to help you.

    To filter out the recurring sense of loneliness, there is no better medicine than PC gaming (and MMORPGs are supposed to be the best, although I haven't tried them myself). I find that it works even better than console gaming. I'm not sure what makes PC games more involved, but they makes the sense of loneliness go away for a while. Hell, they also make you forget your meals...so they are excellent if you are trying to lose weight...

  5. #15
    Don't Judge Me! Haphazard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uberfuhrer View Post
    This site may be able to help you.
    Perhaps.

    I'd prefer someone who wasn't going to decompose any time soon, though.
    -Carefully taking sips from the Fire Hose of Knowledge

  6. #16
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uberfuhrer View Post
    This site may be able to help you.

    To filter out the recurring sense of loneliness, there is no better medicine than PC gaming (and MMORPGs are supposed to be the best, although I haven't tried them myself). I find that it works even better than console gaming. I'm not sure what makes PC games more involved, but they makes the sense of loneliness go away for a while. Hell, they also make you forget your meals...so they are excellent if you are trying to lose weight...
    Sometimes I play online backgammon, but that's seems like just more escaping from the feelings than helping them.

  7. #17
    Senior Member FallsPioneer's Avatar
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    Online stuff doesn't really cut it for me. Back in middle school I was too shy to talk to people and ask them to do things, so a lot of the time I played PC games. That didn't really cut it though, because it's just not a good substitute for heart to heart conversation and fun outside of the house.

    Most of the time I come here when I'm feeling thoughtful.

    I struggled with loneliness, but the first part that I dealt with in overcoming that was really understanding what kind of interaction I wanted and what I wanted to get out of socializing. My loneliest times were the ones when I wondered why it seemed everyone else was having more fun than I was. I put myself in a sort of INTJ mental trap - "why is it that the only way to have fun is to do stuff that sucks?" I wasn't into most of the stuff that others were doing in middle school. I remember going to this one dance where there were all sorts of "dirty dancing" going on - like grinding. I got into it because I was insecure and I thought it couldn't hurt to try. I'll say that the dance ended well, but I knew I actually didn't like it.

    So for a while I stayed unhappy doing things that I hated or brooding by myself until I decided to figure out what I wanted so I could make myself happy. I let other people decide for me how I was supposed to socialize and what I was supposed to do, and I resented that, and that resentment made me feel like an outcast, so I remained distant from a lot of people, even people who were genuinely interested in me.

    It helps to have people who understand and accept your needs, quirks, and faults.

    After I knew what I wanted, things became A LOT easier. I also had to develop empathy but that's another thing.
    Still using a needle to break apart a grain of sand.

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    Sometimes I play online backgammon, but that's seems like just more escaping from the feelings than helping them.
    But there isn't really a way to help them in the way you're describing.

    I understand alcohol is pretty good at alleviating this recurring tension, as well.

    I find I become depressed when I reflect, so I have no choice but to concentrate on something external, but something I have relative control over -- like a computer game.

  9. #19
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FallsPioneer View Post
    Online stuff doesn't really cut it for me. Back in middle school I was too shy to talk to people and ask them to do things, so a lot of the time I played PC games. That didn't really cut it though, because it's just not a good substitute for heart to heart conversation and fun outside of the house.

    Most of the time I come here when I'm feeling thoughtful.

    I struggled with loneliness, but the first part that I dealt with in overcoming that was really understanding what kind of interaction I wanted and what I wanted to get out of socializing. My loneliest times were the ones when I wondered why it seemed everyone else was having more fun than I was. I put myself in a sort of INTJ mental trap - "why is it that the only way to have fun is to do stuff that sucks?" I wasn't into most of the stuff that others were doing in middle school. I remember going to this one dance where there were all sorts of "dirty dancing" going on - like grinding. I got into it because I was insecure and I thought it couldn't hurt to try. I'll say that the dance ended well, but I knew I actually didn't like it.

    So for a while I stayed unhappy doing things that I hated or brooding by myself until I decided to figure out what I wanted so I could make myself happy. I let other people decide for me how I was supposed to socialize and what I was supposed to do, and I resented that, and that resentment made me feel like an outcast, so I remained distant from a lot of people, even people who were genuinely interested in me.

    It helps to have people who understand and accept your needs, quirks, and faults.

    After I knew what I wanted, things became A LOT easier. I also had to develop empathy but that's another thing.
    I could very much relate to what you wrote.

    I think it's that heart-to-heart conversation you referred to that I am craving when I feel lonely and empty. That's what I really want.

  10. #20
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uberfuhrer View Post
    But there isn't really a way to help them in the way you're describing.

    I understand alcohol is pretty good at alleviating this recurring tension, as well.

    I find I become depressed when I reflect, so I have no choice but to concentrate on something external, but something I have relative control over -- like a computer game.
    Ube, I was pretty much asking for healthy ways of dealing with the feelings! LOL!
    I can think of 20 un-healthy ways of doing it!

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