I should be catching up on reading right now but recent events with a certain ENTP are killing me.
Right. To cut a very long story short, I'd been noticing an acquaintance noticing me over 9 months, small things like staring at my profile then averting his eyes when I turn to meet his eyes, staring at my ankles (alright this makes me verry happy) with a very absorbed look on his face, staring at me - everywhere but my eyes - and smiling, turning red (but he turns red easily), actually hyperventilating/breathing very fast at innocuous things I say, getting teased by less than discreet friends whom he may have unwisely informed, asking my friends little details about me that he could ask me himself, sounding very happy when he says my name, things.
And I thought he was totally my type too (begins to sound like someone from High School Musical), what with the crazy tangents our conversations can go off to, and the way he listens (seemingly appreciatively) when I show off (a little) with my witty repartee (koff. heh).
Thing is, I kind of intimidate a few guys in our social circle, I'm not loud, but I think I may make some people a bit shy, which isn't very helpful, because I want to be LURVED BY ALL (galadriel pose and laughter with green lightning) but it doesn't seem to be an issue with him at all.
I don't mean that he isn't intimidated, because I sense him holding back a little, and doing things like staring but not meeting my eyes, but he seems to appreciate my intelligence (alright i am not very comfortable praising myself but i'm trying to give as descriptive a description as possible), and I'm probably decent-looking, but certainly not smokin like the girls he naturally attracts (oh he's a looker though looks-wise, not my type at all, so maybe I was a bit of a challenge), which made it all the more confusing initially - went through a very protracted denial period- and very flattering.
So I decided to be brave and all direct, and text him the way I felt, and made an offer for a no-commitment, no-expectations thing, to keep it light, and to help him out (was i really?), because over the last year, I've begun to really care.
And I don't normally ask boys out, so when I did this time, I wasn't expecting the reply I got (this may be retribution for the times I've been callous with boys, which I entirely regret, because now I know it hurts like hell). Anyhow, he wasn't ready for a relationship because he was hung up on someone else, which isn't actually terrible news (because he didn't deny liking me, and he didn't rule out anything), and he was rather nice about it, telling me not to be sad, if only I kept my head, instead of going all AHHHHHHHH! I GOT REJECTED.
To me, all I read was: 'not ready for relationship', and 'don't be sad', and I got overwhelmed with panic that he may think I'm entirely deluded (like a silly girl losing her wits around him. along the way it became important that he knew i was his intellectual equivalent, so actually i've become another fangirl, just well-disguised) and that I was that far gone on him..and I lost my mind temporarily after that drowning in my panic. (Ugh, where is extroverted thinking when i need it?)
So I tried to put up a brave show of getting over him in front of him, and made a relatively big deal of being Friends-Only-friendly-and-comfortable-and-it's-no-big-deal-don't-worry-about-me-i'm-tough-we're-friends! with him, which didn't involve anything particularly over the top, just being even more absorbed in lectures than usual, speaking less to him, trying to be emotionally stable, and keeping up my aura of happiness, even when it seems i can't smile when he's around, it's humanly impossible, but smile my widest smile I did.
I guess he may have also (nervously) asked me to go out with some of his friends for lunch, but I didn't think that it could actually have been him trying to make amends (because I was temporarily insane! ah!), so I made an excuse about being superbusy, which is actually true.
But now, I realise that there wasn't more to his reply than exactly what he said..that he was interested but simply not ready. And that in my embarrassment and panic I may have only pushed him away and alienated him, and confused him.
And, despite my telling myself I was all over him, I am not in the slightest bit over him. So, help please!
-what emotion to project? Should I project calm and security, after the drama (mostly internal) of the last week? Or just try to be as fun (haha) and impulsive and quietly funny as I was when he first took notice
-should I act like it never happened? would that put him at ease? or make me a phony?
-how do i go about asking him out again? or contrive to be asked out myself? is there any more potential? as ENTPs, would you think my behavior cold/insane/insecure?
-am i trying too hard? i don't think it shows on the outside, but i find myself desperately hunting for clues, verbal or otherwise.