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Thread: INTJ flirting

  1. #1
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Default INTJ flirting

    I have ethics against flirting.

    Why, you ask?

    a) The objective behind flirting is to form a romantic relationship with that person (Assuming you are not one who does it just for the fun. I'm assuming most introverts do not.)
    b) I want to develop a relationship formed on the best analysis of who that person is.
    c) When you're flirting, you're acting. You're not behaving as you normally do.
    d) Flirting is therefore a detraction from the main objective. It wastes time, b/c it takes way longer to figure out the practicalness if that person is someone that you should actually be attracted to.

    I see flirting as a complete waste of time. I'd rather just not hide the fact that I'm interested, and then wait until I feel comfortable enough to be frank with my feelings.

    I'm mildly scared that by flirting I will be unintentionally giving off a false version of myself; I don't want people to do that with me and therefore don't flirt.


    The downside, of course, as an ENFP friend of mine pointed out, is that I likely give off "mixed signals" because I don't treat the object of my desire any differently. In my head, I like to think that I do, but that's up for discussion, I suppose.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  2. #2
    shoshaku jushaku rivercrow's Avatar
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    Cool!

    I had an INTJ explain very carefully to me the difference between flirting with intent and flirting without intent. He was always very aware of how he was flirting and would size up the actions of others on the same scale.
    Who rises in the morning, looks in the mirror and says, "I think I will do something stupid today?" -- James Hollis
    If people never did silly things nothing intelligent would ever get done. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
    Whaling is illegal in Oklahoma.

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    Senior Member htb's Avatar
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    Outside of controlled situations, I eschew flirting and, post hoc, am terrible at it.

    The closest I've come to enjoying and succeeding at flirting is while debating in conversation -- playing games of oneupmanship -- with ENTJ girls. A forgotten episode recently came to mind, and the memory is a very happy one.

  4. #4
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by htb View Post
    Outside of controlled situations, I eschew flirting and, post hoc, am terrible at it.

    The closest I've come to enjoying and succeeding at flirting is while debating in conversation -- playing games of oneupmanship -- with ENTJ girls. A forgotten episode recently came to mind, and the memory is a very happy one.
    OH YEAH I was gonna mention that!

    If it's "intellectual flirtation" then I'm all for it; flirting with neural connections is what I'm all about. But at the same time, I could be having the same conversation with a female and obviously have no romantic intent.

    But I don't think I'd be as passionate if I didn't already feel something toward the person
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  5. #5
    Senior Member htb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Usehername View Post
    But I don't think I'd be as passionate if I didn't already feel something toward the person
    You may be surprised. I had just met the aforementioned girl. At the end of the evening my friend noted that he had never seen such chemistry between myself and -- well, anybody.

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    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Does that mean INTJs don't flirt with their spouses? Because that would be really no fun.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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    The elder Holmes Mycroft's Avatar
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    Ah yes, "intellectual flirting". The problem I've encountered is that only other Js will do this sort of thing and I've established that I prefer to be in relationships with Ps.

    As for typical flirting, I virtually never emote so when I try to I look completely ridiculous. Like when Linus chided Lucy, telling her she was incapable of smiling, and she tried to prove him wrong but only succeeded in frowning even more sharply when she attempted it.

    I've just accepted that some girls think I look like a sociopath and others think I look confident and go from there.

  8. #8
    Member s0532's Avatar
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    I like your signature.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Langrenus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Does that mean INTJs don't flirt with their spouses?
    No.
    January has April's showers
    And 2 and 2 always makes a 5

  10. #10
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    Yeah, I don't know. This intellectual flirting sounds a lot like "victimless crime." Maybe you feel dorky giving the come hither look or can't toss your hair back without looking like you've just caught yourself nodding off while driving but to suggest one is acceptable while the other is not I think is a bit of a stretch.
    Quote Originally Posted by Usehername View Post
    a) The objective behind flirting is to form a romantic relationship with that person
    c) When you're flirting, you're acting. You're not behaving as you normally do.

    I see flirting as a complete waste of time. I'd rather just not hide the fact that I'm interested, and then wait until I feel comfortable enough to be frank with my feelings.

    I'm mildly scared that by flirting I will be unintentionally giving off a false version of myself; I don't want people to do that with me and therefore don't flirt.
    Don't over think attraction. It seems like something more an INTP male to believe that there's always something sinister behind a woman's every action. Some just do it because they like to have a deeper communication experience. One with not just words but echoing body movement. Some do it as an extension of how they're feeling about themselves or their environment - men and women I'm talking about here. I wouldn't leap ahead to looking for a romantic relationship when it really may just be saying hello and finding something someone interesting.

    Sure some people really like to be a tease when they flirt but sometimes it could be a method to find out what a person is like. They might flirt and see how you respond. If you don't meet the criteria of what they're looking for, they might move on. It might not have been an intentional mislead from the start. Like say you're at a bar or party and you wind up in a conversation with someone. You want to have an intelligent talk with this person with big deep eyes and engage in a convo on what, if any, effects immigration is having on the M1 money supply and the person across from you responds by saying "I was a banker once for monopoly. It totally sucteded cuz I ran out of 100's..." You'd probably just smile, nod your head and inform that person "Hey, Access Hollywood is on" before moving on to the other side of the room.

    In times of nervousness and stress, we revert to our weakest function. Patience needs to figure into the like/dislike, date/don't date equation. First impressions are important but not everybody treats every encounter with a new individual as a job interview. Plenty of people not only date but fall in love and marry people they didn't like right off the bat. Trying to assign an intellectual reason behind a person's every action will only cause you to miss out.

    Purposefully hiding your feelings is akin to burying your head in the sand. You're gonna give off signs involuntarily. Second, I hate to say, it's not going to protect you from the pain. Worst of all, that feeling of shame, the "I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm so STUPID!" that splits your head down like a spear down to the middle of our chest when you fall for someone who doesn't like you will still be there whether or not you explicitly state your feelings. The rejection is gonna come and it's gonna sting. Problem is you'll probably take a soft no from somebody not joining your group of friends for lunch one day into meaning, "Get away from me your hideous troll. I wouldn't be caught dead with you."

    There are those times when flirting or stating your interest in somebody can help the cause. Sometimes people aren't so much not interested as that they haven't considered it. You may flirt with someone and that person might suddenly see you in a different light or really start to pay attention to you. Or, stating that interest may show you to be a little more confident than that person initially given you credit for. Granted I probably missed more signs in flirting since adolescence on than sitting in the interior facing seats of my parent's Country Squire station wagon.

    I think it's noble to do your best not to lead anyone on but flirting can be merely a step. It'd be just as wrong to take someone touching your hand as you light that person's cigarette as an indication you'll be on your way to booking a room at the Hyatt w/in the hour.

    Sucking at something or not understanding something doesn't make it useless or a crime. Even being honest in your inability or reluctance in the matter can be charming to some people you engage with.

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