[INTJ] INTJ flirting

[curmudgeon]

I flirt all the time in my own way, which usually means that I pretend to hate your guts. Although it gets confusing when I really do hate your guts.

When my partner and I flirt, we usually sling insults at one another and call it foreplay.

 

[TinyCerebellum]

Now I actually enjoy flirting too, but usually in small doses. And like someone else pointed out above, my initial flirting is mostly intellectual. Once things get physical, however, I enjoy any type of flirting. Things are going really well in that regard with my spouse, as she's quite the master at this art, and she entices me to keep up .

For the longest time during my teens and early tweens I also had trouble "closing the deal" with someone I liked, because I had underdeveloped social skills. I'm pretty sure I put out lots of mixed signals, and that was a big factor. There came a time though, during my mid 20s when I decided I needed to fix that problem, and so I did what any INTJ would do... I researched the issue and came up with a plan/system . I actually found DeAngelo's "Double Your Dating" to be very interesting and helpful, among other things. Within just two years I dated more women than at any time previously, until I finally met the right one.

The toughest part that I found is getting into the mindset that I need to show interest in the woman as a person. Once I got past that block, and realized that there is usefulness to seemingly unimportant details and information about people, small talk and conversations developed a lot smoother as a result. I'm convinced that everyone likes talking about themselves on some level, regardless of gender or personality.

Either way, puns, metaphors, and plays on words are my fave too .

 

[Mycroft]

You were worried about "closing the deal" when you were in your tweens?

 

[Cindyrella]

Wow, I just realized a guy I dated earlier this year is undoubtedly an INTJ!

...It only lasted three months...

 

[Mycroft]

Wow, I just realized a guy I dated earlier this year is undoubtedly an INTJ!

...It only lasted three months...

What did he do/say/etc. that makes you believe he was an INTJ?







P.S. I like how the implicit logic here is "INTJ = relationship petered out in three months".

 

[TinyCerebellum]

You were worried about "closing the deal" when you were in your tweens?

Hehe, I wasn't worried about it at all, which I guess was part of the problem. It's more like I made no effort whatsoever for the most part. When it happened, it happened, and when it didn't ... well ... it didn't.

 

[Mycroft]

Hehe, I wasn't worried about it at all, which I guess was part of the problem. It's more like I made no effort whatsoever for the most part. When it happened, it happened, and when it didn't ... well ... it didn't.

I've always understood the term "closing the deal" to mean "getting him/her in the sack". Perhaps you're using it differently?

 

[Cindyrella]

What did he do/say/etc. that makes you believe he was an INTJ?







P.S. I like how the implicit logic here is "INTJ = relationship petered out in three months".

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insulting/rude. That wasn't my intention. I'll quote and elaborate on some descriptions of an INTJ I found on this website.

...the INTJ often appears to others as a quietly self-confident (and sometimes stubborn) critic of the status quo...

This is actually an aspect of his personality I enjoyed, although at times he came off somewhat arrogant.

...More feeling types may find them chilly...

Absolutely! Although I'd never refer to him as a cold, uncaring person, he was very distant. He valued his alone time and in a relationship I prefer lots of...togetherness. Also, in accordance with this thread, he was NOT flirtatious. Not only did he fail to pick up on my flirtation, but he surely was not skillful at flirting in any shape or form. It made me laugh when someone else in this thread pointed out that you can't very well go from an intellectual conversation to sex. While I LOVED the fact that I could engage him so well intellectually (love, love, love intelligence), he had no idea how to transition seamlessly into intimacy. In fact, intimacy was just not his strong point. Whatsoever.

...The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgments, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgments. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things. Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist...

I think that really says it all. He was quick, smart, witty, intelligent. On top of being smart, he was attractive. Really he seemed ideal in our initial interactions, but it became evident very quickly how we simply did not match up. Everything to him was about logic and facts, and while I appreciate that facet of his personality, I put more emphasis on feeling.

I could go on with more quotes from the link I provided that accurately describe the guy. The more I read, the further convinced I am that he is indeed an INTJ. I'm noticing that many NTs refer to themselves as nerdier than usual. This was also the case with him. I mean, I consider myself pretty nerdy, but he was even moreso than I could get used to.

When it came to flirtation and intimacy, he just couldn't meet my needs. It was a tremendously disappointing lack of sex appeal and flirtatiousness.

Edited to add: I am not saying all INTJs would be romantically disappointing. Please do not take it that way! I am just speaking on one experience I've had with someone I believe to be an INTJ. And bear in mind that I personally find flirting to be a fun activity that typically leads nowhere. I just enjoy it and feel comfortable being that way. So when I talk about this guy with negative undertones, it's because his personality stood in such stark contrast to my own.

 

[alex]

INTJs flirt intellectually by manipulating words using puns and metaphors. Once physical connection has been established and the relationship is in full swing, INTJ women can flirt so seductively that most partners exclaim, "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, LORD!"

Amen!!!

I cannot help myself to flirting, but I think of it more as teasing but absolutely in the most unobvious ways. I am not proud of this, but it's more of a manipulation game, with the goal being "can I manipulate this person into flirting with me? Is this more control than teasing, or more teasing than flirting?

I know....SHAME ON ME!

 

[alex]

When my partner and I flirt, we usually sling insults at one another and call it foreplay.

Yep...when I smack my husband in the chest, he says, "I love you too."

 

[Mycroft]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insulting/rude.

No need to apologize, I asked because I was curious as to what lead you to believe he was an INTJ and was in no way insulted/berude-ified.

 

[Cindyrella]

No need to apologize, I asked because I was curious as to what lead you to believe he was an INTJ and was in no way insulted/berude-ified.

Good.

 

[Splittet]

The post by Cindyrella makes me wonder if there is any hope of this young INTJ finding any love. Damn I am hopeless in that department! As for flirting I don’t mind doing some online and might find it entertaining, but IRL it’s not exactly my thing.

 

[Cindyrella]

The post by Cindyrella makes me wonder if there is any hope of this young INTJ finding any love. Damn I am hopeless in that department! As for flirting I don'd mind doing some online and might find it entertaining, but IRL it's not exactly my thing!

Oh, come on now! All my post really says is that one particular INTJ didn't work with this particular INFP! That's all.

 

[Splittet]

Oh, come on now! All my post really says is that one particular INTJ didn't work with this particular INFP! That's all.

I know. This particular INTJ can see a lot of himself in the INTJ you are describing though. It’s not however as if this is the first time I have been thinking I am hopeless in the love department. Your post (which I by the way loved) only served as a reminder.

 

[runvardh]

No need to apologize, I asked because I was curious as to what lead you to believe he was an INTJ and was in no way insulted/berude-ified.

Yeah, you have to get on the side of blatently rude or calling them illogical before it is concidered rudeness. I like to try and remember that when an NT asks a question they're more than likely just gathering info, especially the introverts.

 

[Natrushka]

Yeah, you have to get on the side of blatently rude or calling them illogical before it is concidered rudeness. I like to try and remember that when an NT asks a question they're more than likely just gathering info, especially the introverts.

The crux of most of my issues with my husband. I'm gathering info, he thinks I'm judging him or worse, accusing him of 'not knowing' something. :steam:

 

[Cindyrella]

Yeah, you have to get on the side of blatently rude or calling them illogical before it is concidered rudeness. I like to try and remember that when an NT asks a question they're more than likely just gathering info, especially the introverts.

Heh, when he responded that he did not take my comment as rudeness, I remember the guy I dated being that way as well. I could say virtually anything (things which, if said to me, I would probably be sensitive to) and he wouldn't be offended or upset in the slightest. That was a definite plus to my dating experience with him, as opposed to the NF I've been on and off with for 3 years, who is sensitive to just about everything I say, and the tone I say it in, etc. And I am just as guilty of that...lol.

 

[Totenkindly]

Heh, when he responded that he did not take my comment as rudeness, I remember the guy I dated being that way as well. I could say virtually anything (things which, if said to me, I would probably be sensitive to) and he wouldn't be offended or upset in the slightest. That was a definite plus to my dating experience with him, as opposed to the NF I've been on and off with for 3 years, who is sensitive to just about everything I say, and the tone I say it in, etc. And I am just as guilty of that...lol.

Yes, I see this as more an INTx trait -- where many things that are seemingly offensive to people in general are just shrugged off. Almost anything can be considered, as long as it remains impersonal. It's only when it gets personal that synapses start firing back.

I did notice in my own experiences that INFPs seem more "touchy" or just more susceptible to emotional nuance than INTPs. They also take more care to "dance around" a topic that might prove offensive or hurtful, where an INTP is more apt to blunder merrily right through the middle, either not anticipating or not caring that someone might feel hurt by the comment or question.

I also constantly finding myself, when talking with NF types, to say "It's okay to talk about this, I don't mind; please ask me anything you want, there's nothing you could really say that would offend me," and then they're okay... but until that gets said, they often will treat a topic too gently or just not ask certain questions that I just know are running through their heads.

 

[runvardh]

Yes, I see this as more an INTx trait -- where many things that are seemingly offensive to people in general are just shrugged off. Almost anything can be considered, as long as it remains impersonal. It's only when it gets personal that synapses start firing back.

I did notice in my own experiences that INFPs seem more "touchy" or just more susceptible to emotional nuance than INTPs. They also take more care to "dance around" a topic that might prove offensive or hurtful, where an INTP is more apt to blunder merrily right through the middle, either not anticipating or not caring that someone might feel hurt by the comment or question.

I also constantly finding myself, when talking with NF types, to say "It's okay to talk about this, I don't mind; please ask me anything you want, there's nothing you could really say that would offend me," and then they're okay... but until that gets said, they often will treat a topic too gently or just not ask certain questions that I just know are running through their heads.

Having to do that around a vast majority of people doesn't help that mind set. Honestly, there are times when I wish I had more INTx's to talk to.