It is rare for an INTJ machine to feel crushed and ripped apart the way I do after my 5 year relationship was ended this evening. As a result, I decided to verbalize my feelings and share them with fellow MBTICentralers. The reason I chose to share is that it might be the case that I never feel this way again - even tomorrow may be too late because I will be well into the healing process. In doing this, I am giving MBTICentral the essence of my particular feeling tone. I am giving MBTI the gold.
The world is a cruel place. Those who accept this assumption are labeled cynical. Those who deny it - naive. Even these black-and-white labels are deceptive for various reasons but I digress. The world is not only a cruel place, but one that is made up of actors. These actors have no feelings. They learn to laugh at the right moments and they learn to project an image of deep empathy but it is a facade. Empathy for others remains minimal.
When I say that the world is cruel, we can extend this idea to mean that the world is unrewarding. You can pump your guts and soul into a person, a hobbie, a passion, or even an idea and in the face of such loyalty - a magnificent love that can only take place beyond good and evil - things change in a moment and you become thinned, pale, weary, and shattered. Once broken open, the cruel actors pick and goad you like children do dying animals. The sadists, who all long to see the fall of a prince - who long for the disgrace of a decent man, feel releaved and energized. For too long was your decency and virtue invoking powerlessness in these subhumans. The injustice of it all is sickening.
Everything I've stated so far is so surface-like it makes me cringe. If I had Dostoevsky's brain with my feelings I might get some relief in translating feelings to words and ideas. But the telling I've provided gives no sense of relief. I hate that this can't be fixed, it's not solvable. I hate the unsolvable. Every ad hoc solution only creates a new problem. Nothing can be changed through voluntary action. Powerlessness. Do you resist? Do you resist when all the data and logic indicates that every resistence merely increases the strength of the problem? Add to this all the aforementioned cruel actors who poke at your situation post factum as though they knew it all along. Yes, hindsight is 20-20. Humans love beating each other well their down. A sort of decrepit and vile species that gains satisfaction in this. Like a Mohammed Ali fight - with everyone going to see the undefeated champion lose. But why should they matter? Why assign these people any value what-so-ever?
Why let negativity win? Too often I see the spirit of others around me grow weary by age and habit. Like a flower that ages and begins to die: as it ages and dies the parts shrivle up and become prune-like. With each negative breath a new part of the flower falls off. Eventually, after all the suffering has been disemminated to people of this world there is nothing left of the flower. Why translate my suffering into a negative worldview? Again we are such actors, "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist" - a way of cloaking one's beliefs. Indeed, everything profound loves the mask, a first-rate hiding-place.
Why does it spread so fast? Is it true that negative energy can be neither created nor destroyed? Does the logic parallel to the law of thermodynamics? Why then does negative energy travel so much faster and further than positive energy. What is the cure for this cancer?
Can this negative energy be channeled into creating something of magnificent aesthetic value? Deny the cancer? Then I am only lying to myself like the other pseudo-optimists.
Is the collision of consciousness ever-existing? Does it take good to know bad and vice versa? For every bit of good is there also a corresponding bad, for every piece of creation - one of destruction? Are these two forces eternally recurring right down to the simplest yes and no?
Why am I fronting? I know these questions are still shallow. I don't know what's deeper - I don't know what I feel deep down. Today, everything I have been making for years was shattered. I built a life, I altered course, I got 4.0 GPAs, I decided I want to go to law school and maybe even be Prime Minister one day, I gave the world everything I could and got kicked in the teeth.
Now everyone will begin to ask questions because we were together for so long. If I put up a shield they will pick and pry it apart to take it down because - didn't you know - people after breakups are supposed to feel a certain way. Now the judging starts. No, the judging was always there but now they have a pretext to make it known. To publish their venom. Their "I knew she wasn't for you" or "I saw that one coming". Fuck it. Even those who don't say it think it. They will hint with their eyes or body language. Torment. There is no escaping such cruelty. Mankind needs to ascribe order to things. Nothing can be random. Everyone knows the cause. Now all the pseudo-analysts have a pretext to come out and judge like gods.
It was a perfect breakup - I will give her that. Having not seen her for two months while she was working away, I picked her up from the airport with flowers and coffee, and would go on to have a nice feast with the family. Then, by my suggestion, we decided to take a walk. Partway through she brought "us" up and eventially dropped the b-bomb. Then, crushed and torn apart while walking, she asked for my input. ha.
Again, there is no single problem. My reductionist approach is insufficient. Love isn't like a machine where if the parts (the springs, nuts and bolts) fall apart they can be put back together and restored. Love doesn't work like a clockwork. There is no single problem and there is no single solution. Love is magnificent albeit irrational. It is beyond intellectual comprehension. It is a feeling - a worldview - a sort of dedication to a person, object, or ideal. Love is an oceanic feeling.
Well folks, I have poured my heart and soul into this post. Take from it what you will. I have given you insight into what is going through my head right now. Hopefully, you can extract some value from it. Thanks for listening to me MBTIers.