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  1. #11
    Senior Member Dwigie's Avatar
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    I like how genuine your post is provoker, although I probably can't understand since I've never experienced a break-up so far I hope you "recover" soon.
    Sometimes I feel like I'm "on Mercury"-

  2. #12
    Senior Member Snail's Avatar
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    I just broke up with my long-term boyfriend, an INTP, and it might as well have been an actual divorce after we were inseparable for so long. We were together romantically for about six years. Re-orienting afterward might be hard because of all of your shared experience, although an INTJ like you might have an easier time of it. That's the biggest problem I'm having, because when I listen to any of the music I like, I think about times when I listened to it with him, and the feeling of loss returns, even though I'm the one who decided on the breakup. We were together for so long that I can't even remember what it was like before I was with him. Most of my adult life has been spent with him, so I feel that everything I worked to build was in vain. He didn't want to break up even though we were clearly incompatible and we had struggled much too hard to hang onto something that wasn't worth the pain and effort, so I wrote a letter while away. The absence made it easier to know what I wanted to do, because when I wasn't around him, my tension went away. I had been using cigarettes to deal with the anxiety of our constant conflict, and as soon as I left for my vacation, I had no need to smoke. I quit cold turkey without even consciously trying. I wasn't really addicted to cigarettes, I was just self-medicating for stress to treat my panic attacks, and since I've been away from him, I haven't been having as much trouble with my anxiety. That's how much emotionally healthier I feel without him, but there is still a pang of loss for the familiarity of my old life. I didn't just lose the long-term boyfriend, but by deciding to leave town, I essentially broke up with all of my friends, too, leaving me with no support group to help me deal with the loss except for my online friends. Anyhow, I'm just letting you know that you aren't alone. Love isn't a machine that can be repaired by re-assembling the pieces, or I would have just tinkered until I fixed it instead of throwing it away. I can fully relate to what you are describing. Don't let it affect your worldview or make you so bitter and cynical that you miss out on the beauty of your new experiences and opportunities, because it's probably better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't want to keep you anymore. Thank you for having the courage to challenge the stereotype about INTJs being robotic by opening up to us emotionally and showing that you are human sometimes. Your post was beautifully written and offers a unique perspective. I can see, now, that you hurt like anyone else.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Maabus1999's Avatar
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    I completely empathize with you as I went through something similar. You will become much, much stronger a person when you are done. Just keep close to your family and "true" friends. Word of advice from something I learned during my recovery and get out of depression phase (which I will add had more things then just breaking up going on, I was a wreck). Do not take advice from anyone about a new relationship for awhile. You will make mistakes you may regret. Heal up first (which for an INTJ may take a long time to stop thinking about it).

    Emotions may not be easily seen in us, but we are full of them.

  4. #14
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Provoker View Post
    Why let negativity win? Too often I see the spirit of others around me grow weary by age and habit. Like a flower that ages and begins to die: as it ages and dies the parts shrivle up and become prune-like. With each negative breath a new part of the flower falls off. Eventually, after all the suffering has been disemminated to people of this world there is nothing left of the flower. Why translate my suffering into a negative worldview? Again we are such actors, "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist" - a way of cloaking one's beliefs. Indeed, everything profound loves the mask, a first-rate hiding-place.
    There you got your answer. Aslong as some people of us live negativity will never win .

    I am sorry about what happend to you through your girlfriend.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  5. #15
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    dude i'm so sad to hear that. don't worry, keep looking and she'll come to you one day.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Maabus1999's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by animenagai View Post


    dude i'm so sad to hear that. don't worry, keep looking and she'll come to you one day.
    I sometimes wonder if the harder you look, the more likely this will not happen...

    Just tonight something of this nature happened. Not saying I found someone, but someone is definitely trying to get my interest locally. Sorta surprised me as I had NO idea until maybe a week ago I saw a hint(I was actually recommending some friends to ask this girl out), and am trying to think if I want to move on it or not (I'm an INTJ, give me a break). She is a damn good looking girl though.

    Anyways. She will come one day my male friends.

  7. #17
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maabus1999 View Post
    I sometimes wonder if the harder you look, the more likely this will not happen...

    Just tonight something of this nature happened. Not saying I found someone, but someone is definitely trying to get my interest locally. Sorta surprised me as I had NO idea until maybe a week ago I saw a hint(I was actually recommending some friends to ask this girl out), and am trying to think if I want to move on it or not (I'm an INTJ, give me a break). She is a damn good looking girl though.

    Anyways. She will come one day my male friends.
    i think you might be right. i scare all my targets away . the people who are attracted to me are the people i was friends with first. it's hard for me not to act differently when i'm around someone i'm hoping to get with, friends though, i'm being myself. guess it's good advice to take it easy . o the cruel fates

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maabus1999 View Post
    I sometimes wonder if the harder you look, the more likely this will not happen...

    Just tonight something of this nature happened. Not saying I found someone, but someone is definitely trying to get my interest locally. Sorta surprised me as I had NO idea until maybe a week ago I saw a hint(I was actually recommending some friends to ask this girl out), and am trying to think if I want to move on it or not (I'm an INTJ, give me a break). She is a damn good looking girl though.

    Anyways. She will come one day my male friends.
    Yeah, I've always found the idea of making an effort to find someone to fall in love with as pretty ridiculous. Obviously you're going to need to put yourself out there and socialize in order for it to happen, but if your intentions are to find someone then it just seems to taint the whole process. I mean, if I'm going to fall in love with this hypothetical girl then I should be able to fall in love with her without putting in any effort. If you love someone then you love someone and if you don't then you don't, that's all there is to it in my eyes.

    Maybe I'm just speaking from one bad experience though, where I dated a girl I had no interest in and it ended in disaster. Maybe it is possible to fall for someone after the relationship begins. I don't know, and I won't know until it happens, but if it isn't possible then I'm never going to find find out even if I "try". So what to do when a girl I'm not interested in shows interest?

    This whole love thing is very irritating.

  9. #19
    almost half a doctor phoenix13's Avatar
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    1)
    Quote Originally Posted by Provoker View Post
    Can this negative energy be channeled into creating something of magnificent aesthetic value?
    I found your words of magnificent aesthetic value. Particularly this:
    Quote Originally Posted by Provoker View Post
    Why let negativity win? Too often I see the spirit of others around me grow weary by age and habit. Like a flower that ages and begins to die: as it ages and dies the parts shrivle up and become prune-like. With each negative breath a new part of the flower falls off. Eventually, after all the suffering has been disemminated to people of this world there is nothing left of the flower. Why translate my suffering into a negative worldview? Again we are such actors, "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist" - a way of cloaking one's beliefs. Indeed, everything profound loves the mask, a first-rate hiding-place.
    Gorgeous.



    2)
    Quote Originally Posted by Provoker View Post
    Why am I fronting? I know these questions are still shallow. I don't know what's deeper - I don't know what I feel deep down. Today, everything I have been making for years was shattered. I built a life, I altered course, I got 4.0 GPAs, I decided I want to go to law school and maybe even be Prime Minister one day, I gave the world everything I could and got kicked in the teeth.
    Minor point... but in all the things you mentioned, zero seem to involve her. You are you with or without her. It's just your seam has been ripped and is bleeding. It will heal, and the scar will fade. Ah, but you've probably figured this out already.



    3)
    Quote Originally Posted by Provoker View Post
    Again, there is no single problem. My reductionist approach is insufficient. Love isn't like a machine where if the parts (the springs, nuts and bolts) fall apart they can be put back together and restored. Love doesn't work like a clockwork. There is no single problem and there is no single solution. Love is magnificent albeit irrational. It is beyond intellectual comprehension. It is a feeling - a worldview - a sort of dedication to a person, object, or ideal. Love is an oceanic feeling.
    I still don't understand this (the intellectual comprehension part). Is it possible to "love" someone in a way that defies analysis? That scares me. I'm gonna suck at love when it happens.

    Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed the concentrated sincerity and wandering tone of your thoughts.

  10. #20
    heart on fire
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snail View Post
    Love isn't a machine that can be repaired by re-assembling the pieces, or I would have just tinkered until I fixed it instead of throwing it away.
    This comment isn't about your particular situation because only you know what went on there and I'm sorry to hear about your pain but it is not accurate to say that when something goes wrong in a relationship that it absolutely cannot be taken apart and looked at to see what items can be worked on and communication improved. This is what couple's therapy is all about and it really does work for some people.

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