[INTJ] Why do INTJ still keep in touch with their exes... too much?

[Metamorphosis]

This thread is refreshing in a way because it's the opposite of what I would normally expect.

I honestly wouldn't over stress about it until you meet him in person. It's possible that he just enjoys the attention and positive emotions of interacting with both of you. That doesn't necessarily mean that he is interested in pursuing anything relationship-wise with her or not doing so with you. I personally have no problem remaining friends with an ex without compromising myself and I think it's unfair to demand that of everyone else.

 

[xenaprincess]

I don't keep in touch with ex's and my INTJ SO doesn't either. I can imagine him keeping in touch with an ex in a distant way, but after a break of time.

Also, I agree with others about meeting the person first. It's great that you are hopeful, but chemistry is different in real life. I personally would be skeptical of this guy just because his break up occurred so close to your meeting...but that's just me. I just don't think the human heart is limber enough for such a quick switcheroo.

Anyway, good luck!

 

[LEGERdeMAIN]

You can still love someone, but not be in love with them. My ex and I are good friends, but we realized we were incompatible as a couple. If a relationship ended on good terms, why cut someone you care about completely out of your life, just because you broke up? That seems petty to me.

doesn't seem like you're in it to win it, bruh.

 

[Entropic]

I don't even know what to do, or how to overcome this. I've already asked him twice if he's seeing someone else and he said "no". What am I suppose to say, I've been stalking your facebook page and learned otherwise? The information is crystal clear, right there, it's nothing I'm imagining or weaving together.

Except you kind of you are. You are making assumptions based on how they behave and because you cannot be absolutely certain you asked for verification from him. If you were so absolutely certain you're not making shit up and that it means what you think it means, why are you making this thread asking for support to interpret all this? You are being contradictory. So you don't trust him and you claim he's a liar. Why? Maybe he's not lying at all and you simply refuse to believe him because you think, based on the little you see in front of you, that it indicates otherwise. The only real evidence you have of him sleeping with someone else is seeing them caught in the act. That's absolute evidence. Her making a heart-shaped emoji? You don't know what that means to her. Maybe she does that to everyone and not just to him and she sees it as entirely harmless and so does he.

And yes, if you expect an honest answer you should be honest with him as well and that you don't trust him. You expect to trust him and him to trust you back, yet you can't showcase a basic level of trust in him when he is expressing himself to you and you can't trust him enough to even express that you distrust him. That's a big problem right there in and of itself. You want to discuss the nature of your relationship but that means you also have to be honest and open with him.

I would never think an INTJ is this dishonest. I'm an ENFP and despite the reputation my type has, I never lie about these things. Am I overreacting here? Why would INTJs keep in touch with ex's this much?

This is completely unrelated to types. Types don't explain these kinds of things. Cognitive types explain that, our cognition, but not whether we'll be faithful or unfaithful in relationships etc.

Oh, come on guys, lighten up. You always stalk the one you love. And some of us stalk people we are just passingly interested in. It's a thing.


And really, these are things she just noticed and are worried about. Ne can lead to a type of hyper-awareness and speculation in things that are of import. There's nothing wrong with it as long as serious privacy boundaries aren't crossed.

Kind of unrelatedly related, but I am not sure I think the OP is an ENFP, personally. Seeing a good argument for ESFP here. Another thing I wanted to mention is that we don't know the OP's gender, yet everyone assumes it's a "she" based on that the person they are interested in is a "he". Wanted to point out that bias.

 

[Hapyniss]

Key point, sorry for butting in.

With this guy and his ex, there are several pertinent questions.
1) Who broke up with who?
2) *Why*? If the INTJ broke up, then under MOST circumstances, you don't have to worry about his going back to her: INTJs do this to cut the waters when there far-seeing Ni realizes that there are going to be INSURMOUNTABLE differences in the relationship. The only case this might not be true, is if there is a present issue, he's willing in principle to work it out, but the change is too slow and it is costing too much pain, with no guarantee of success.
3) Perhaps *she* is trying to win him back, and he, being guilt-ridden over promises made earlier, is trying to be [strike]a sucker[strike] supportive?

In either case, I understand and appreciate your feelings. You have every right to make this request, but I don't know of that type of ultimatum, this early, is the best way to yank an INTJ's cage to get him to move in the direction you want him to (that is, towards you and away from her).

Oh -- one or two other points. Just to mull over, since I don't know any of you in real life.

1) Have you met this guy in person yet? Had intense kissing sessions or anything? If so, that'd likely bond you to him more.
2) INTJs really, honestly disappear and submerge either in their work, or to recharge their batteries, even with someone they're crazy about.
3) If you ask an INTJ a point-blank question, they will duck the question. But they won't *lie*.

Good luck, btw. However this turns out, I hope it doesn't sour you on the possibilities for dating a member of the INTJ armoured regiment.

I like grey beard. Funny stuff.

 

[Belle of Kilronan]

ENFP female here, recently met this INTJ, hit it off, he directly told me he wants to pursue and date me, I said the feelings are mutual. We met online and video chatted, we live too many states away, I'm suppose to meet him next month in person. We already have insane amounts of chemistry and he even professed to me that he's not had a connection like this before. We used to talk all the time when we first met, now not as much. He said he's been "busy" with his new job.

Well....

I was going through his facebook page and I learned he started talking to me right around the time he broke up with his ex girlfriend (so what am I here, a rebound???). They were together for 1.5 years. They are no longer friends on facebook. However, they are still in touch, he helps her with her business, and I learned this through the facebook business page his ex girlfriend created for his business and that he "liked". He likes all the stuff she posts, and everything. She once posted a pic of him on there, she also posted another pic with his name and heart emoji's next to it. What is that suppose to mean?

Here's what troubles me:

I've asked him on two separate occasions that if he's seeing someone now, he needs to let me know now so I can move on, it's not fair to me to I told him, I said to him I don't want to become more vulnerable and I NEED TO KNOW NOW, I don't like talking to a guy who's involved with another woman or talking to another women (especially his ex!). When I asked him two separate times, he told me he's not involved with anyone else on those two separate times. And all I can think is, "liar".

Isn't this like cheating? He seems like he's emotionally involved with both me and his ex at this point and it's disgusting that he tells me he's not. His ex, judging from her comments on her business facebook page, clearly wants him still, the heart emojis by his name? Come on. Who even knows if he's even sleeping with her. And he's just as supportive of her, "liking" all of her posts on her page.

I don't even know what to do, or how to overcome this. I've already asked him twice if he's seeing someone else and he said "no". What am I suppose to say, I've been stalking your facebook page and learned otherwise? The information is crystal clear, right there, it's nothing I'm imagining or weaving together.

I would never think an INTJ is this dishonest. I'm an ENFP and despite the reputation my type has, I never lie about these things. Am I overreacting here? Why would INTJs keep in touch with ex's this much?

Really fucking tired of ENFP females applying the idiosyncratic, jerky behavior of their INTJ boyfriends to all INTJs. I'm tired of NF females in general doing this. Every fucking thread, "I'm an I/ENFP girl. I don't get this INTJ (man). Help!" No. Fuck off.

 

[Mademoiselle]

Because it's not right to get things from someone and just leave.
I think it's wrong to date and break up.

Fall in love with your heart not your pen...cil pencil, or va.. Ugh can't find a word for this one.

But you see what I mean.