[INTJ] What is with my INTJ?

[Raspberry_rain]

I've posted here about this guy before. For some background he's my best friend, he's INTJ, I'm ENFP, I wish we were dating but he isn't interested in anyone, we're both in college. Now onto the problem. He's my favorite person to talk to when he's in a good mood, common interests, similar humor, and all of that, but lots of times he will just randomly decide to start ignoring me or tell me I'm being annoying or to shut up in THE MIDDLE of a conversation. A lot of the time he even starts the conversation and then just decides to get annoyed in the middle of it. Why does he do this?? No particular subject seems to trigger it, it just happens. He gets mad at me and then randomly decides he's over it later and we go back to normal until the next time it happens. I've tried talking to him about it but he never wants to discuss it and I hate conflict so I usually just cave. Help a miserable ENFP please

 

[INTP]

Sounds like he is an immature prick, who when things go as he pleases can act nicely. My suggestion is to take out the rosy colored glasses and think about if you would want to watch out for your every move so that you dont step on his toes in a relationship. I know enough what ENFPs are about and i can tell with quite a lot of certainty that you would step on his toes(maybe quite often) and it ould quite likely start a fight(unless you like the role of a victim in a relationship).
If it helps you, its his Fi thats like a 3 year olds, takes out the anger to others, cant take anything that doesent go like he wants, wont talk about it etc etc. really there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe some day he can get better, but he needs to ruin a couple of relationships with his stupidity first.

 

[Jaguar]

He's my favorite person to talk to when he's in a good mood, common interests, similar humor, and all of that, but lots of times he will just randomly decide to start ignoring me or tell me I'm being annoying or to shut up in THE MIDDLE of a conversation. A lot of the time he even starts the conversation and then just decides to get annoyed in the middle of it. Why does he do this??

Ask him: "Why the fuck do you do that?"

/solution

 

[ceecee]

I've posted here about this guy before. For some background he's my best friend, he's INTJ, I'm ENFP, I wish we were dating but he isn't interested in anyone, we're both in college. Now onto the problem. He's my favorite person to talk to when he's in a good mood, common interests, similar humor, and all of that, but lots of times he will just randomly decide to start ignoring me or tell me I'm being annoying or to shut up in THE MIDDLE of a conversation. A lot of the time he even starts the conversation and then just decides to get annoyed in the middle of it. Why does he do this?? No particular subject seems to trigger it, it just happens. He gets mad at me and then randomly decides he's over it later and we go back to normal until the next time it happens. I've tried talking to him about it but he never wants to discuss it and I hate conflict so I usually just cave. Help a miserable ENFP please

Why does someone who treats you this way (not to mention you want to be with him romantically. I would assume you have actually told him that but you're an ENFP so I won't assume anything) continue to be your best friend?

I would ask him what his fucking problem is and if I didn't get a satisfactory answer, I'd be looking for a new best friend.

 

[hecait]

Why does someone who treats you this way (not to mention you want to be with him romantically. I would assume you have actually told him that but you're an ENFP so I won't assume anything) continue to be your best friend?

I would ask him what his fucking problem is and if I didn't get a satisfactory answer, I'd be looking for a new best friend.

I was in the same situation with my last relationship. Looking back, I'm appalled at all the shit I put up with, but it reflected more on me than it did him. In the end, we accept the love we think we deserve.

 

[Lexicon]

I've posted here about this guy before. For some background he's my best friend, he's INTJ, I'm ENFP, I wish we were dating but he isn't interested in anyone, we're both in college. Now onto the problem. He's my favorite person to talk to when he's in a good mood, common interests, similar humor, and all of that, but lots of times he will just randomly decide to start ignoring me or tell me I'm being annoying or to shut up in THE MIDDLE of a conversation. A lot of the time he even starts the conversation and then just decides to get annoyed in the middle of it. Why does he do this?? No particular subject seems to trigger it, it just happens. He gets mad at me and then randomly decides he's over it later and we go back to normal until the next time it happens. I've tried talking to him about it but he never wants to discuss it and I hate conflict so I usually just cave. Help a miserable ENFP please

Yeah, that behavior could apply to any type, honestly. It's indicative of an emotionally stunted individual.

You may dislike conflict, but at times, it needs to happen. Addressing a problem is the only way to actually resolve it & move forward as a person, & within any sort of relationship. Addressing an issue may not always result in an actual conflict, but, given the info you've provided, it's likely he'll be dismissive/defensive if you press him to acknowledge your feelings about this. At which point, your attempt to connect with this person (failure or not) may serve as a mental marker for you to consider - how capable is this person of caring for you as a good friend? How much does he truly value you (beyond the attention you offer him) - how much energy are you willing to spend on this person?

Calling him out on his shit won't be comfortable for anyone involved, but, that's how you grow. And who knows - it may help him grow, as well. Finding a solution together strengthens & adds depth to the bond you share. If talking in real-time (in-person, or on the phone) tends to lead to communication breakdown faster - then it may be worthwhile to send him a well thought-out email/letter about your concerns. That may offer the INTJ some space to reflect upon his actions, get past any kneejerk defensive responses, & offer his own feedback on the situation in a more fluid way. Emotionally underdeveloped NTs (& people in general) can be really dismissive of emotionally charged issues when they're in a defensive state. A little space for perspective can sometimes alleviate that, so that telling him how his behavior affects you will have an opportunity to sink in - perhaps elicit an empathetic response - versus feeling more like an attack on his character.

Maybe some day he can get better, but he needs to ruin a couple of relationships with his stupidity first.

This^ may also be a valid factor.

If patient, civil, & varied attempts to connect repeatedly fall short, then it's probably time to reevaluate your emotional investment in this person.



Good luck.

 

[JClassic]

I've posted here about this guy before. For some background he's my best friend, he's INTJ, I'm ENFP, I wish we were dating but he isn't interested in anyone, we're both in college. Now onto the problem. He's my favorite person to talk to when he's in a good mood, common interests, similar humor, and all of that, but lots of times he will just randomly decide to start ignoring me or tell me I'm being annoying or to shut up in THE MIDDLE of a conversation. A lot of the time he even starts the conversation and then just decides to get annoyed in the middle of it. Why does he do this?? No particular subject seems to trigger it, it just happens. He gets mad at me and then randomly decides he's over it later and we go back to normal until the next time it happens. I've tried talking to him about it but he never wants to discuss it and I hate conflict so I usually just cave. Help a miserable ENFP please

He is an introvert, so he will go back in his shell one in awhile. If your an ENFP you will not get a long with a thinker type. INTJ's are very hard to date anyways. You need to find a feeler type like yourself so you can watch lifetime movies together or whatever.

 

[Amargith]

Chances are he's feeling overloaded by your Ne - but that doesn't give him the right to treat you that way.

Personally, I'd just walk away each time he does that. And I wouldn't bother seeking out his presence again - let him do the approaching. And the acknowledgement of what happened. You're an ENFP, you're bound to have other people to hang out with. They may not be as intellectually stimulating, but they're bound to be interesting in other ways without being abusive.

If/when he asks what's going on, just calmly explain to him that you're not a punching bag and walk away - again.

Like I said, let him stop taking the attention for granted and make hem realise this is a two way street.

Fair warning:

Be ready to walk away from him entirely as a friend. He may not be ready to put his pride aside for your friendship and you have no way of knowing when he will be ready. And then the question really becomes...what is that friendship worth? As understanding as you can be of his moods, and as interesting as he can be...do you *really* deserve that treatment from someone you call a friend? I consider respect to be kind of essential to a friendship and...I have a sneaking suspicion he suffers from something that often afflicts young NTs (though it can happen to any type) - aka the belief that they're smarter and superior to all the rest of us, which tends to not leave a lot of room for respecting those same people.

 

[Ronin_Riham]

Well, it's because extroverts can be extremely annoying that we just want them to shut the hell up! He seems quite similar to my personality. People should give us introverts more credit for taking some of our valuable time and spend it on them, especially hearing their boring and dumb stories.
However, if you want him to respect you, you should get mad when he treats you that way and DO NOT avoid confronting him. He will make you feel even more bad about it, but he will feel guilty inside. Also, when he tries to make up with you, don't go back to him right away, just be cold in communication with him and tell him you're busy when he wants you to talk to him. That will do. And you're welcome

 

[Felix5]

I've posted here about this guy before. For some background he's my best friend, he's INTJ, I'm ENFP, I wish we were dating but he isn't interested in anyone, we're both in college. Now onto the problem. He's my favorite person to talk to when he's in a good mood, common interests, similar humor, and all of that, but lots of times he will just randomly decide to start ignoring me or tell me I'm being annoying or to shut up in THE MIDDLE of a conversation.

LOL wow? Really? He just says shut up to your face?

A lot of the time he even starts the conversation and then just decides to get annoyed in the middle of it. Why does he do this??

Sounds like a little bit of an ego here...

No particular subject seems to trigger it, it just happens. He gets mad at me and then randomly decides he's over it later and we go back to normal until the next time it happens. I've tried talking to him about it but he never wants to discuss it and I hate conflict so I usually just cave. Help a miserable ENFP please

You need to talk to this guy. He's being an ass and he needs to realize that. I would never allow a man to tell me to shut up. What are we 5? If he doesn't like it, he can lump it and move on.

It sounds to me like he also may be passive aggressive, is he like this with other people or just you? It could also be a sign that the relationship is dwindling.

I don't know your guy, but I think it's a sign of relationship problems that can only be solved when addressed. If you ever feel any type of fear or submission in a relationship that is definitely unhealthy. I actually had this problem myself when I first started dating my guy. He would go on long tangents and rant endlessly, when I'd try to say something after he was finished, he'd get angry and tell me to wait until he finished.

Eventually I got sick of the crap and told him he wasn't going to talk to me that way anymore. He hasn't since, so I think it worked. I don't think we always realize the things we do in relationships can hurt our significant other. We get caught up in our own moods and our own problems.

 

[ceecee]

If your an ENFP you will not get a long with a thinker type.

ENFP is the INTJ's natural partner.

INTJ's are very hard to date anyways.

No. Maybe for you but I'm thinking that's more about you than them.

 

[geedoenfj]

It's not that he doesn't enjoy your company, in fact INTJ enjoy the company of people that are close to them or feel comfortable with, it's just that ENFP tend to talk too much and enthusiastically about different subjects which can be exhausting to keep up with them the whole time, not only for INTJ but many other types as well.
My mother is an INTJ and loves when I'm talking and listening to her, but I just sense when she begins to feel bored or feel she needs to not continue doing this, so I just give her a time alone before I have another short conversation which she finds interesting and so on..
Don't exhaust him with too much talking just let it be maximum of three minutes then keep silent..
Another thing, I think it's good to have other friends so you do not only talk to him, it would sound attractive and could make him jealous to see you have other people that you talk to and just talk to him as one of those people, though you better not do it just so it would make him jealous, do it to fulfill your Extrovert needs [emoji6]
Hope this helps and good luck [emoji4]

 

[JClassic]

ENFP is the INTJ's natural partner.



No. Maybe for you but I'm thinking that's more about you than them.

ENFP? I would think they would be to sensitive for the INTJ wouldn't they?

 

[ceecee]

ENFP? I would think they would be to sensitive for the INTJ wouldn't they?

You should do some reading around here. Or googling. Or both.

 

[Raspberry_rain]

You should do some reading around here. Or googling. Or both.

Thanks for the help everyone! A lot of you have given me a lot of insight. I'm happy to announce that the problem is long since resolved We've had a lot of civil and not so civil conversations about these things, and they've led to a lot of conscious effort on both ends to stop doing things that unintentionally bother the other person. These past few months have been the best yet . As for this ENFP/INTJ debate, it's definitely true that they're natural partners, it's also true that just because something looks good on paper doesn't mean it's easy. I can say firsthand that they have the potential to make an AMAZING pairing. Understanding and getting along in a way that's unlike anyone else. They balance out perfectly, BUT there are also a lot of differences that can lead to serious issues. Bottom line, you take a mature ENFP and INTJ who are willing to work at it, you have an unstoppable pair. You take an immature set and you have heartache and frustration.

 

[grey_beard]

I've posted here about this guy before. For some background he's my best friend, he's INTJ, I'm ENFP, I wish we were dating but he isn't interested in anyone, we're both in college. Now onto the problem. He's my favorite person to talk to when he's in a good mood, common interests, similar humor, and all of that, but lots of times he will just randomly decide to start ignoring me or tell me I'm being annoying or to shut up in THE MIDDLE of a conversation. A lot of the time he even starts the conversation and then just decides to get annoyed in the middle of it. Why does he do this?? No particular subject seems to trigger it, it just happens. He gets mad at me and then randomly decides he's over it later and we go back to normal until the next time it happens. I've tried talking to him about it but he never wants to discuss it and I hate conflict so I usually just cave. Help a miserable ENFP please

Likely immature Fi, or else he had wandered off into what was (to him) an important train of thought and stopped listening without realizing it; and more imporantly, unaware of how rude it was to stop paying attention; how even more rude not to excuse himself; and finally, how colossally rude to tell you to shut up out of the blue.

Sometime in between one of these episodes; ask him specifically about the last conversation when this occurred, what was going on inside his head; and tell him how rude it was. If necessary, veg out at him in mid paragraph without notice: he will probably get bent out of shape long before you've gotten around to fake-telling *him* to shut up.
Then explain to him it feels just as bad to you to be on the receiving end, as it did to him...

 

[anticlimatic]

I was in the same situation with my last relationship. Looking back, I'm appalled at all the shit I put up with, but it reflected more on me than it did him. In the end, we accept the love we think we deserve.

INTJs control their image very well, so it's easy to be duped into the idea that they are somehow intrinsically valuable despite their confusing flaws. It's in keeping their flaws confusing that they preserve their image and mystique- it's why they hate talking about them. They prefer you to fill in the gaps by using the parts of them that they want you to see as inspiration: "they are assholes because they're geniuses," or "they're assholes because they are just special and know what they want." If they explained that they're assholes because they are misanthropic Ni users who, via their cynicism and narcissistic Fi, constantly manufacture ill conspiratorial intent against them from scraps of words and thin air, then you would (correctly) think them crazy and beyond help.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

^lol. crazy and beyond help.


i'm glad i'm an infj...

 

[Felix5]

Likely immature Fi, or else he had wandered off into what was (to him) an important train of thought and stopped listening without realizing it; and more imporantly, unaware of how rude it was to stop paying attention; how even more rude not to excuse himself; and finally, how colossally rude to tell you to shut up out of the blue.

More like self important...Any INTJ who thinks he's too important to listen to other people is a dickwad.

INTJs tend to wander and they don't like having their thoughts interrupted by external stimuli. But a healthy INTJ knows how to separate the external world from their internal world. They know that there is a place and time to absorb themselves into their inner world.

This doesn't sound like the case with this guy. He comes off as irritated. That's certainly an issue in very unhealthy INTJs.

 

[Felix5]

INTJs control their image very well, so it's easy to be duped into the idea that they are somehow intrinsically valuable despite their confusing flaws. It's in keeping their flaws confusing that they preserve their image and mystique- it's why they hate talking about them. They prefer you to fill in the gaps by using the parts of them that they want you to see as inspiration: "they are assholes because they're geniuses," or "they're assholes because they are just special and know what they want." If they explained that they're assholes because they are misanthropic Ni users who, via their cynicism and narcissistic Fi, constantly manufacture ill conspiratorial intent against them from scraps of words and thin air, then you would (correctly) think them crazy and beyond help.

Boy take a breath. I've noticed this a lot with male INTJs, much more so than female INTJs. The men have this narcissistic thing going on. The women seem to be broken on the inside.