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[NT] Soliciting small talk advice from other NTs

Mycroft

The elder Holmes
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Short story short, I presently find myself in a job position where I am approached with small talk on a reasonably regular basis. I don't want these people to think that I dislike them or that I'm (here it comes) an arrogant prick, but I feel so ridiculously insincere when I try to participate in small talk. Does anybody have some Small Talk Coping Techniques they'd be willing to share?
 

Totenkindly

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Yeah: Fake it to make it.

That is probably the main thing.

You're going to be uncomfortable for quite awhile. But it's like riding a bike: You can't figure it out by reading about how to ride the bike, you only really learn it by doing it and falling off and skinning up your knees a number of times.

Another thing is, even when you are uncomfortable, keep giving "open" cues. I.e., keep your body position "open" and not closed, face the speaker, don't be doing a bunch of other tasks while trying to talk with them, ask them questions based on what they've said, try to stick on open-ended topics rather than changing things into an intellectual argument dependent on your own specialized knowledge(s), all of those things.

Whatever comes across as "He's open to conversation" is good, even if your actual content feels clumsy to you. People forgive verbal clumsiness if they sense you're open; if they sense you're closed or anxious or that you want them to leave, it will usually shut things down.
 

Rajah

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Yeah. Listen to the people with whom you're talking. Then come up with a suitable question based on what they're saying. And if you can't think of anything, nod and say "That's interesting."
 

Xander

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Small talk isn't a mystery. It's just trying to keep the subject from diving into brain wracking realms. You probably do it all the time with friends and family but just don't class it as such.

Basically all your doing is treating someone as a friend without having to go into the whole loyalty thing too much. So just open up and be nice. The rest is like walking backwards.. you put one line after the other.

Oh and most forum topics are small talk. It doesn't have to be
"Do you know what her at number 44 is doing?"
"No what?"
"Well...."

That's something I avoid at all costs.

Oh and steer the conversation towards your interests. NTs are always easier to talk to when it concerns their own interests. Something to do with being more comfortable after having established proficiency.
 

Natrushka

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The weather. It's saved my ass numerous times. I'm interested in the weather so that helps, as much as I loathe to make small talk. Maybe brush up on some local sports team ? And have your cell phone handy, so you can inconspicuously call your own work number giving yourself an out.
 

Totenkindly

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Yeah. Listen to the people with whom you're talking. Then come up with a suitable question based on what they're saying. And if you can't think of anything, nod and say "That's interesting."

god, it sounds so banal when you say it like that...

...but I guess it is. *sigh* That's exactly what I do.
 

JivinJeffJones

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The weather. It's saved my ass numerous times. I'm interested in the weather so that helps, as much as I loathe to make small talk. Maybe brush up on some local sports team ? And have your cell phone handy, so you can inconspicuously call your own work number giving yourself an out.

Just don't discuss the weather with farmers if it's small talk you're after. They get meteorological on you. Barometer readings etc. In this country at least.
 

Natrushka

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Around my house "that's interesting' has become code word for " *&%$ off". </tangent>
 

Natrushka

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Just don't discuss the weather with farmers if it's small talk you're after. They get meteorological on you. Barometer readings etc. In this country at least.

I'm an INTJ. I can explain dew point to you ;)
 

faith

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Short story short, I presently find myself in a job position where I am approached with small talk on a reasonably regular basis. I don't want these people to think that I dislike them or that I'm (here it comes) an arrogant prick, but I feel so ridiculously insincere when I try to participate in small talk. Does anybody have some Small Talk Coping Techniques they'd be willing to share?

The great thing about small talk is that it's not important enough to warrant sincerity or insincerity. Weather, sports, clothes, local news, gardening, vacation spots... The whole point is that you don't get deep enough to touch on anything that requires sincerity.

If you're not interested in the topic, but the other person seems to be, just smile and be honest and give them a chance to talk: "I've never seen how that could interest anyone. What do you enjoy about it?" Appropriate small talk is more about a friendly attitude than substance.
 

JivinJeffJones

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Okay, I'm an NF, so my opinion here is unrequested. However, in my experience talking about sports tends to be the best received form of small-talk (with men). This has obvious drawbacks. If you don't know anything about the sport you are attempting to talk about you'll end up looking like a pillock. Plus, the person you're talking with may have no interest in your chosen sport. However, you may be fortunate enough to live in a country/state where there is only one major sport, as I do. In which case it's a pretty safe and customary gambit, and the research required is minimal.
 

Nighthawk

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Alcohol usually helps me a lot with small talk ... although I do not recommend it in the work setting ;)

I just nod a lot and reaffirm what they have told me.
 

Natrushka

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The great thing about small talk is that it's not important enough to warrant sincerity or insincerity.

This is what I've had to learn and ultimately fight my nature over. If it's not important why bother? That's what it came down to for me for a long, long time. Probably why the word "anti social" was often applied :rolleyes:
 

Usehername

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Steps to Mastering Small Talk:

1. Identify your Small Talk Skills Person to emulate. This is someone whom you respect but still manages to pull off the Small Talk Conversation with ease. As an NT, this will likely be an NF. Probably an ENF.
2. Spend time watching what they do.
3. Spend time thinking about what they do.
4. Perform, using your information that you have gathered, structured, and integrated into your working interaction system. You will be awesome. Just Perform like the Small Talk Skills Person, with your own NT minor flair to it.

Things to remember:
*Don't say anything offensive
*Don't bring up topics where people feel very personally about (war, politics, religion, pro-life/choice, etc.)
*Smile
 

faith

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This is what I've had to learn and ultimately fight my nature over. If it's not important why bother? That's what it came down to for me for a long, long time. Probably why the word "anti social" was often applied :rolleyes:

The substance isn't important, but the action is.
 

Zergling

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I'd go with the "nod your head and smile" type of advice suggested. It isn't too hard, you just have to appear interested and occasionally throw something in. (Or maybe it takes more work, I don't actually have to rely on small talk that much. However, it seems to work fine in general for me.)
 

Tayshaun

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In some situations, small talk inexorably leads towards a certain amount of acting and feeling self-conscious when curiosity is not kindled. It's a great way to break the ice and train your communication skills.

Small talk is much easier to deal with than gossip. NTs probably engage in as much small talk as other temperaments. How was your day at work? How are you feeling? The weather was splendid today, rain is forecast for tomorrow. Did you watch the show last night? Paula and Jim are getting married, etc. It is inevitable, and it goes hand in hand with living with others. All conversation cannot be on a "higher" plane. Small talk is the glue of society in a way.

The real challenge is dealing with gossip. :sadbanana:

A great obstacle, whether I find myself in a situation of small talk about topics I find no interest in or any gossip, is to suppress the temptation of "pygmalionazing" - inviting the interlocutor to look at the big picture and to put into perspective elements whose superficial subtleties are strongly emphasized. In the case of gossip, I am often tempted to alleviate accusations and play devil's advocate by telling the chatterer to - here again - put things into perspective and respect the victim's individuality. Needless to say, this is annihilating the purpose of gossip and the original intention of the gossiper (stronger complicity, proximity) is ruined.

Advice for small talk: use your knowledge about a wide variety of topics and make the conversation very interesting by teaching the interlocutor new things, giving him insight. To avoid getting bored out of your mind, you can use your intuition to predict outcomes and you can for example add the data to your personality interaction possibility database.

I would really like to know some gossip coping techniques though...
 

darlets

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Apr 29, 2007
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My only advice is to identify your goal early.

Do you want to talk to this person? (Is it a random person on the street? What setting am I in? Can you achieve something positive by talking to them?)
Do you have time to talk to this person?


If the answer is yes to both then try and turn the small talk into a conversation. Be active and steer the conversation towards something of mutual interest. If the person insists on talking about something banal or/and boring then in future they'll probably get a No to the first question (Do I want to talk to this person?)
Conversation is a two way street both parties have to pay attention to whether they are boring the other one s@#$less. The talker has a duty of care to try and present stuff in a interesting fashion, this holds true to you and the person you're chatting to.

I find small talk alot easier when I see it as a tool, either to extract myself gracefully from a conversation I don't want to be in or to stir the conversation towards something of mutual interest.

You can be polite and assertive. Especially at work because you have a very good excuse to end the conversation, that being WORK.

This has the added benefit of helping filter potential friends.

I've had alot of wonderful and interesting conversation with people that started as small talk but got onto and interesting topic in a hurry. I was suprised how willing alot of people are to talk about something other than small talk.

"If you keep doing what you did, you'll keep getting what you got"
 

Mycroft

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Around my house "that's interesting' has become code word for " *&%$ off". </tangent>

Ditto. I was raised by a family of introverts, and all of the typical small-talk terms were euphanisms for things like "piss off", "I don't really care" and "can't you see I'm busy?" That's why I have a hard time saying them without feeling like a jerk of the fat variety.

Something that further complicates small-talk for me is maintaining the balance: being friendly enough to avoid being disliked, but not so much so that people start to think we're becoming friends. I believe VERY strongly in keeping personal life and the workplace in their separate containers.
 
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