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  1. #1
    Scream down the boulevard LadyJaye's Avatar
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    Default A question regarding ENTJ men and relationship boundaries

    There's an ENTJ guy I've been friends with for over 4 years. We used to talk on the phone frequently, and for hours at a time. We have many similar interests, so talking was very easy. I suspected that he had a romantic interest in me, but I didn't say or do anything to bring that subject forward because he was already seeing someone else, and I assumed that he would say something to me if he wanted to go past friendship with me. So, I hadn't heard from him in awhile as he's been very busy at work, so I decided to call him a few days ago. The first thing he gave me was an apology for being absent, and I told him it was perfectly alright because I was sure he was being run ragged at work. Then he said, " Well yes, but that's not entirely it. I've been avoiding calling you because every time I get on the phone with you, it makes me question my relationship with XXXX - your sweet and beautiful and you understand me. So we can't talk anymore, but we can email." I asked him why he hadn't said something to me sooner, and he said he thought his feelings for me " were understood". I wasn't aware that he wanted to do anything about how he felt about me, because he made no hints at any point of breaking up with the girlfriend. He told me emphatically that he was going to be a good friend to me, and that we could email, but that he basically couldn't talk voice to voice with me anymore.

    So my question is this - why tell me this now, when he's in the least capable position to do anything about it, and why does he continue with a relationship that he's not thrilled with? ( I do suspect that she's a practical ISTJ type ) Why tell me that I'm a dream girl and then cut me off? I guess I'm not working in his mental view of what he wants to accomplish in the future?

  2. #2
    Branded with Satan murkrow's Avatar
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    Honor. He has built himself commitments which he can't break for simple personal gratification.

    His idealized self will be injured more in the breaking of an oath than in the forsaking of a potentially prosperous relationship.

    Frankly I think his calculations are a little off, but I don't know the specifics of his relationship.

    Without knowing him better it's difficult to say how capable you'd be of taking him from her, but it's definitely possible.
    wails from the crypt.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Maabus1999's Avatar
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    NTJ= loyalty, honor, commitment.

    Makes us asshats at times too.

  4. #4
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maabus1999 View Post
    NTJ= loyalty, honor, commitment.

    Makes us asshats at times too.
    One of the reasons why I wouldn't mind having one that's still free and healthy. But, one thing at a time as I work on coming across as worth it.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  5. #5
    now! in shell form INA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    One of the reasons why I wouldn't mind having one that's still free and healthy. But, one thing at a time as I work on coming across as worth it.
    Elaborate, kind sir.
    hoarding time and space
    A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.
    — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

  6. #6
    Don't pet me. JAVO's Avatar
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    Some possibilities:

    1. Girlfriend could be jealous of talking on the phone, but he (or she) doesn't want to disclose that.
    2. He simply wanted to be completely open and honest with you about why he hasn't kept in touch, even though he can't or doesn't want to change his current relationship any.

  7. #7
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IF3157 View Post
    Elaborate, kind sir.
    Quote Originally Posted by Maabus1999 View Post
    NTJ= loyalty, honor, commitment.
    I want this in a partner and I have these qualities my self, but I still have to be worth the person's time. I feel I am, but that don't do a heck of a lot of good unless she sees me as that as well.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  8. #8
    now! in shell form INA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    I want this in a partner and I have these qualities my self, but I still have to be worth the person's time. I feel I am, but that don't do a heck of a lot of good unless she sees me as that as well.
    I guess that is the part I wanted you to say more about.
    hoarding time and space
    A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.
    — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

  9. #9
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    I'm reasonably healthy and mature, as much as I like being held I need my time out doing other things as well. There's also the way I handle the gooey bits that a few other threads have talked about that I want to provide a safe place for. Anyway, now that it's out I'll likely scare away anyone who thought of coming close. *sigh*
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  10. #10
    Scream down the boulevard LadyJaye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by murkrow View Post
    Honor. He has built himself commitments which he can't break for simple personal gratification.

    His idealized self will be injured more in the breaking of an oath than in the forsaking of a potentially prosperous relationship.

    Frankly I think his calculations are a little off, but I don't know the specifics of his relationship.

    Without knowing him better it's difficult to say how capable you'd be of taking him from her, but it's definitely possible.
    That's what I suspected, the whole "I'm already committed to XYZ now and I can't back out." What's odd to me about this is that I never once pushed him for a romantic relationship. Actually, if you would be amenable to speaking in private, I'd like to discuss this more with you. I just don't feel right about saying too much about him in a public forum.


    Quote Originally Posted by Maabus1999 View Post
    NTJ= loyalty, honor, commitment.

    Makes us asshats at times too.
    Could you elaborate on that a bit more? Shouldn't loyalty and commitment have prevented him from confessing to me in the first place? And, isn't what he's doing now technically disloyal?



    Quote Originally Posted by JAVO View Post
    Some possibilities:

    1. Girlfriend could be jealous of talking on the phone, but he (or she) doesn't want to disclose that.
    2. He simply wanted to be completely open and honest with you about why he hasn't kept in touch, even though he can't or doesn't want to change his current relationship any.
    Oh, she's made it plain that she doesn't like me. Not that I blame her - if my boyfriend were behaving the way he is, then I'd be upset too. No, scratch that. I wouldn't be with him anymore.

    I see your point about the honesty, but doesn't it seem like he could've told me some kind of believable half truth, like being busy at work, and then we could have remained in the friendship holding pattern? It seems to me that confessing to me caused him a lot more trouble than keeping it to himself.

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