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  1. #1
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    Default Is he going to ignore me?

    I've been in a weird hot and cold situation with an INTJ for almost a year now. I'm an ENFP. We met through work. In the beginning he was very intense, there was never a doubt in my mind that he liked me, but his intensity was overwhelming and unfortunately I pushed him away a ton. Once he started to distance himself, months down the road, is around the time that I realized I really liked him, so now I was "hot" and he was lukewarm. Because of his lukewarm demeanor, I assumed he no longer liked me, and eventually cut contact with him temporarily(about 2.5 months). I didn't do it without letting him know why I was--and he did at first try to stop it, i.e. doing surprise pop-up visits to my department to see me, texting me cryptic messages about how much he accepted me, etc. But eventually he got the clue and we ceased contact. I reached back out to him, months down the road, when I felt "over" him, in the attempt to be his friend. But when we resumed talking, he acted as if there had never been that time away from each other, and as if we had still liked each other. It was bizarre. He was "hot" again too, he told me that he liked me(where earlier in the year he was unable to verbalize it), and even asked me to exclusively date him(as in be his gf) where as earlier that year when I had brought that up, he seemed to need "time" to think about it, so I had dropped it. In other words, it was like he liked more, now that time had passed. In any case, I was skeptical and did not know he was an INTJ, so I didn't take it seriously. I pushed him away, and tried to keep things friendly. And eventually--after he was very persistant(asking me to hang out constantly, texting me a lot, letting me know how much he wanted me etc) just like before, he gave up because I kept declining him. And since then, there has been that lukewarm demeanor again, and ironically it happened around the time where I realized that I felt deeply for him again.

    What makes things more complicated, is that despite his lukewarm demeanor, and me feeling as if he no longer cares about me, there have been some new changes to our relationship. First, the entire time we have known each other, I always felt like he was asexual--as in he never seemed sexually into me, but when we resumed talking back in April, he started to make comments about my body(sexual ones) and I had started to have sexual discussions with him. I let him know that it had bothered me, that he never kissed me, etc. He told me that it was more complicated than that, but didn't elaborate. He is not a ONS, or FWB guy, but has had them before in his college days. In any case I asked him if we consider being my sex buddy, because I have not had sex in two years and I liked him(I've only been with one other guy). He agreed. But despite agreeing to it, it took a while, for it to actually happen--I had to keep getting on him about it. And then one night we finally hooked up--it was around that very night, that we also kissed for the first time, cuddled, etc, he even talked about feelings, and tried to get me to confess how much I felt for him(I did not). That was back in August. Unfortunately after that time, despite how much I felt, because I still did not know how he felt, I approached the relationship(or whatever it was) as if it were only about sex, and approached him in that way, and he did not appreciate it and let me know. He stopped talking to me, and gave me the silent treatment, until I apologized and then told him that my feelings were deeper than what I had let on(I did this by text). He responded by inviting me to a concert that week, as his date, and seemed very excited about having me go. However at the last minute, things happened, and I had to cancel. Unfortunately in the past I've been known to be flakey with him, canceling a lot, or declining invitations, and the nature of our relationship has always been distant(for instance I don't contact him on the weekends, or see him on the weekends, and he knows this and has made jokes about it, but I could tell it bothers him) so me flaking out this time, seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back.

    Since then, he has been very very distant. Where, since this summer(when he stopped being hot after I pushed him away) he has not been as responsive to my texting and to my attempts to hang out, he has still at certain points made an effort to text me, to see me, etc, even if it meant me having to constantly bug him about it. And when we see each other, despite how desperate I felt, he was always kind, and seemed very happy to see me, and spend time with me, despite a few minor things... In any case, since the concert that I flaked on, he has become extremely distant, to the point where he doesn't even respond to my texts, or my declarations of feelings(I don't think he believes it to be genuine anymore) or any attempts to hang out. It got to the point, where two weeks ago, I finally confronted him and asked him if he would like me to stop contacting him, I said I noticed that he did not respond to any texts I had sent him over the last couple of weeks, or my attempts to hang out, or my revelation of how I felt for him, and that I appreciate directness and that if he would like to no longer talk than to let me know. He did not respond at first, but finally the next morning he sent me a message that said "No I don't want you to leave me alone". I said "ok... But if you do ever want space, then let me know, I respect boundaries". He did not respond. A few days later, he invited me over. When I came over, things seemed fine--he asked me what I had been doing the last few weekends(with a smile on his face, because again we don't communicate or see each other over the weekends) and when I tried to answer, he listened at first but then didn't. It felt almost like a test. There were other things that happened that felt that way too. In any case, while watching a movie, he became very physically affectionate, laying on me, and cuddling and then we eventually did stuff. Afterwards, he seemed sleepy(he was falling asleep) so I asked him if he would like to go to sleep, so that I could leave. And he shook his head no. But he looked so sleepy. I kept asking him and he kept shaking his head. At one point, he mumbled under his breath, "If you want, you can spend the night." but I thought he was just trying to be polite. In any case, I eventually told him I was going to let him go to sleep and that I was going home. He seemed surprised and said "Oh your going home?"

    And I said, "Yes." And he walked me out to the door, and told me to call him the next day. After that situation, I texted him and we talked casually the next day and, then the day after that day, we talked again and things were good--we talked about a show we both liked. But then I didn't contact him for about 4 days, and when I did reach out finally it was very obvious he was ignoring me. This time, as opposed to confronting him about it and asking for an explanation, I said "f*** it" and decided that it was time to come clean and be honest. I know that at this point, I have kept him at a distance, played a lot of games, made things seem like they were just about sex, and been sporadic with my communication and in the times we've hung out, I've downplayed my feelings for him everytime he's confronted me in person, and in texts I'll send him cutesy love messages, but I don't believe he takes them seriously since I don't do things "action-wise" to support the texts. He even told me one time, that all I do is talk.

    This time, I decided to be honest. I wrote him a 4 page email, that addressed everything... I was completely honest, authentic, about everything, about why I did what I did, my feelings for him, what I wanted from him(since I had never been clear with that, no matter how many times he gave me space to tell him what I wanted) and a host of other things. In the end of the letter I let him know that I could not continue with things as they are. And that I wanted him to be my boyfriend(that's what I wanted), but that if it wasn't what he wanted, I understood, but that I would move on. I told him that because I know it's a lot to take in, that I wanted him to take his time, and let me know only once he's had time to think about it and come to a decision. I said a few weeks is fine, if that's what he needs, but to please not leave me hanging for over a month, without any insight on to his thoughts. I sent it to the email on his linkedin account. And texted him to let him know that I sent the email to him. He did not respond to my text, but I know he saw it. That was last week when I sent him the email. Since then, he has not responded. I told myself that I did tell him, to take his time before responding... But I logged in to facebook today, and saw that he had updated his picture a few days ago, and was liking other peoples statuses, and that he is going to some get together this weekend, and it made me feel bad... Like he doesn't care at all about what I wrote(which was actually straight from the heart this time and extremely honest about everything). I feel stupid and embarrassed for revealing my feelings for him finally and being so honest, only to have him ignore me, and go about his life. I don't know if he's read the email, what he thinks, etc.

    I'm wondering now if he's just going to ignore me forever... What should I do? Just continue to give him space, or can I assume that he's done with me? The only reason I have not done the latter, is that two weeks ago, he had told me that he didn't want me to leave him alone, so obviously there's a part of him that has not shut me out, but why ignore my email then? He had revealed to me, before the first time we had sex, that I didn't fight for him(in regards to when he was acting lukewarm earlier in the year and I decided to stop talking to him). Is that what he wants? The email for me is fighting for him--I'm just not sure anymore.

  2. #2
    noʎ ɟo ǝʇnɔ ʍoH Mademoiselle's Avatar
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    First thing is to think about how you feel towards him.
    Before knowing how he feels..
    Be honest and take your time to think about it.
    If you don’t love him 100%, know that he’s not the only man in the world.
    But if you love him 100%, then know that a man like him might never come again to your life.

    Then, think about the best way to show him how you feel.
    As an INTJ, I had waited almost a year to hear my crush admit he loves me. verbally.
    I knew he wasn’t being proud not to say it, he was afraid to rejection.
    But I can’t react to what he doesn’t express, no matter how well I could read brains.
    Once he said it, I let him know I’ve always loved him.
    So I hope -if you love him- it’s just the same situation over there.

    Also it’s good to know why exactly do you want from him/a bf:
    -Emotions, feelings, love..
    -financial, material ..
    -to settle down..
    or..?

    After that decide if he fits or not.

    General tips I’d like you to know If I were him:
    Try to let him read you.
    Try to balance the situations + keep your head up:
    Remind him he needs you.
    Remind him he loves you.
    Never ignore him for a long time.
    Never let him leave angrily.
    Once he forgot himself and made a mistake,
    Make him apologise, but once he did, forgive him.
    Let him be your #1 person in your life, don’t make hims victim to your BFFs..
    Always be on his side against anyone else, he’s simply not anyone else.
    Nothing worthies to ruin your relationship for, so make sure you keep it.

    Answer these questions and we’ll go to the next step. C:
    Imagine this is the best thing you've ever read.

  3. #3
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    It's too late... I already sent him the email last week. I'll post a snippet of what I've said:

    "And I deeply care for you. I want you and I want to connect with you physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally. I accept you for who you are—your quirks and all--in fact I like them. I like that you’re comfortable with me. I want you to be. I want you to be happy. I like when you tell me about your plans, about your ambitions, and your dreams. I worry about you at times too… I secretly want to know the things you like, the things you dislike. So that I can learn more about your hobbies. I respect what you say, and respect your opinion. I want to get to know the important people in your life. I want to be there for you if you need me to be… I want to be in your life… I want to be with you. Basically I want you to be my boyfriend. That’s the truth."

    "Because after getting to know you, I knew that you were what I wanted… Despite all the attempts I made to keep you at a distance, and to keep you thinking I didn’t like you--you still were there. Even when you grew distant with me, aloof, and all those times when I thought you didn’t like me, or felt that maybe I had finally succeeded in pushing you away and that you would never talk to me again. You would surprise me and do something to let me know that you still cared and even when I know that I might have hurt you, with all the pretending I did, and all the games I played--you still talked to me. That has always been special to me… The fact that as crazy as I’ve been, despite how emotional and how much of a liar you know I am, you still put up with me, and you still cared."


    There is obviously more texts in the email I wrote, but those two paragraphs pretty are some of what I said to emphasize how I felt.

    The truth is that, the only times I've ever revealed that I've liked him, have always been through texts. So he knows I know do. But he doesn't feel like I act like I do, when we're in person. He often will ask me questions in person to get a gauge on how I feel, and I always downplayed my feelings or would even do as much as tell him to date other girls. Obviously I was trying to push him away because I was scared, but he knows I like him. I don't think he knew how much.

    In the letter I did not say the word "love" because I don't know if it's love, and I think it would scare him off. In any case I sent that email out to him last Sunday, and no response from him at all. Though I know he got it. I feel stupid. I know that on some hand, he may find that as heartfelt as it is, it isn't backed up by actions that I've made thus far, but I feel silly to continue to text him or ask him to hang out, if he'll ignore me, and only respond once I confront him, or ask him repeatedly. It seems like I have to almost beg him(by being overly persistant) before he'll respond and I find it a bit degrading, because I've never had to chase after a guy before.

    You don't think the email is enough?

    This is what I wrote at the end of the email(and why I feel quite bad that he hasn't responded yet):


    "Now that you know how I actually feel and what I actually want from you, since I’ve been 100% honest with you about it all, I just would really appreciate it if your honest with me. I don’t want you to tell me what you think will hurt the least, or what you think I want to hear. I want you to tell me the truth. Either that: you’re open to dating me, or that you can’t date me. That way I can move on. You don’t have to respond right away. I know you have an interview coming up. I know that you’re busy with work. I know that you have other shit going on. I want you to get back to me only after you’ve thought about what I’ve said and had the time to think about it. I’ll give you your space and leave you be (if that’s what you need) so you can think about it… But if you still want to hang out, while your making your mind up, then I still would like to hang out as well. Since obviously I wouldn’t mind seeing you… I don’t want to rush you, or pressure you into anything though and that’s why I would prefer that you take your time, if you need it, before you answer me… Just don’t leave me hanging--don't let a month go by for instance without saying anything... I can wait a few weeks, but please get back to me..."

    I know the reasons I want him as a boyfriend, and that I want to date him. I don't know how he feels about me though, his actions lately indicate that he's overly distant... I don't know if he still even cares. I'd like to follow the steps you've indicated, and think about what you said, but in the email, I let him know I was going to give him space to consider what I said, so it wouldn't make it insignificant if I contact him next week, wanting to meet up, etc. I just want to be honest this time and actually give him the space, but as I said in my first post, I don't know if he's taken it seriously or if he'll contact me with his answer. A part of me, thinks he may not. :-(

  4. #4
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    I also want to add, that I know I've messed up a lot with him--in addition to not ever wanting to spend weekends with him, or communicating him on weekends, pushing him to date or talk to other girls, rejecting or declining his many attempts to hang out and only hanging out when I want to, I've also been very private about my life. In the beginning I was not as private, but I know that the last 6 months I have not revealed much of what goes on beyond the basics(work, school, etc). I know that he often will tell me about the problems some of his friends are experiencing, or give them advice, or tell me what he's told them to do to fix their problems, but he doesn't often get to "fix" anything for me, since I don't give him much to fix. I realize now that this might be a problem too. Overall, there's just so much distance that I put between me and him, and I'm not sure if the door has been slammed completely or not.

    As I said, I did try to confront him two weeks ago, and asked if he wants me to stop contacting him, and he responded with "no I don't want you to leave me alone" but then right after he said that, every text message I sent him, he did not respond to--though he did invite me over a few days later. It just seems like he is being less responsive than ever, the last month and half or so(since we've been intimate basically)...

    It's part of the reason why sometimes I distance myself, or keep that distance between us. Whenever he seems cold, or lukewarm, I figure he's not interested so I back off. But it was only recently(right before the first time we had sex) where he revealed that the entire time that I "thought" he was cold and did not like me, that he had liked me that whole time. It was then that I realized that I had been reading him wrong, and that his aloofness or coldness or "distance" doesn't always mean he doesn't want me, and that he could still have feelings. But it still feels hurtful, when you text someone messages and they don't respond a lot, or when you feel like your bothering someone when you don't want to be.

    I've never ever sent him an email before, or one that spoke as honestly as I did in the email he got last week, so I'm hoping that though it wasn't face to face, that he'll read it and at least get a glimpse into how I feel. I don't know what else to do. For instance, I could have texted him and asked if he wanted to meet up, but because he had been ignoring my messages, I wasn't sure he would have agreed. So I sent the email. It just feels like a catch twenty-two.

    Sometimes I think about just ending things completely or moving on when he gets distant like this but then I remember, that there have been times where he was very distant and then I would find that he actually felt for me during those times, in fact once this summer, for a week or two he was overly distant, and then I went to visit him at his job, and when he saw me, he sort of waved, and he came right over and hugged me--he had never done that before and it felt a bit awkward, and even he seemed awkward once he realized that he hugged me and we were at work, but still it indicated that he had missed me. It's those moments--the ones where he is distant, but then I see him again, and he shows me how he feels, that is partly why despite how unresponsive he is, I don't give up. But I'm feeling quite degraded and want to understand why with time, he is becoming more and more distant with me and why he can't tell me why... And why when I tried to end things, two weeks ago, did he tell me not to leave him alone, only to go back to ignoring me. I just am at a loss...

  5. #5
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    It's part of the reason why sometimes I distance myself, or keep that distance between us. Whenever he seems cold, or lukewarm, I figure he's not interested so I back off. But it was only recently(right before the first time we had sex) where he revealed that the entire time that I "thought" he was cold and did not like me, that he had liked me that whole time. It was then that I realized that I had been reading him wrong, and that his aloofness or coldness or "distance" doesn't always mean he doesn't want me, and that he could still have feelings. But it still feels hurtful, when you text someone messages and they don't respond a lot, or when you feel like your bothering someone when you don't want to be.
    The highlighted is the key here. You cannot assume you know what people are thinking or feeling just from observable outward behavior, and this is especially true for INTJs. In fact, the more (strongly) we are feeling, the more we will work to keep that hidden, especially if there is any risk or uncertainty in the situation, and it seems you have provided plenty of both.

    INTJs have no patience with people toying with them. I don't think that is what you were doing, but it may have come across that way to him. Either that, or as if you don't really know what you want. That may be closer to the truth. Your lengthy email should go far in at least providing a credible explanation for months of behavior he probably discounted as flighty if not game-playing, and showing him you understand what you want now and why. That you have had as many favorable responses from him over the months as you have suggests that he really does care about you, but it will take some time for you to earn his trust, and overcome the track record of the past year.

    What to do? Give him his month. Don't contact him at all during that time, though of course reply should he contact you. If you cross paths with him in daily life, be friendly but don't engage unless he does. If he does not reply by the end of the month, contact him once more to ask what his plans are. If this still goes nowhere, then it is indeed time to move on. Should he contact you at a later date, address that when/if it happens.


    PS: Understand also that your average INTJ will always come across with more "aloofness, coldness, and distance" than other folks, even within the context of a relationship. For a viable relationship, this must/will be balanced by plenty of closeness, sharing, and intimacy, but it will always be there to some degree, and will come out sometimes when you least expect it.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  6. #6
    Male johnnyyukon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    He even told me one time, that all I do is talk.

    This time, I decided to be honest. I wrote him a 4 page email, that addressed everything... I was completely honest, authentic, about everything, about why I did what I did, my feelings for him, what I wanted from him(since I had never been clear with that, no matter how many times he gave me space to tell him what I wanted) and a host of other things.
    Sounds like more talking.



    Basically, it seems you've put this guy through the wringer. Up and down, hot and cold, excessive game playing. Shit, I wouldn't put up with that.

    Sorry, ENTP just calling it how I see it.
    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

    Each thought's completely warped
    I'm like a walkin', talkin', ouija board.
    Likes oneandonly, kyuuei liked this post

  7. #7
    Senior Member oneandonly's Avatar
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    YOU don't know what you want.. and you cannot expect someone else to make up your mind for you.. unless you want someone to consistently make your mind up for you... and That is codependency.. If you cannot feel consistently for him... then a relationship with him wouldnt make you feel any different.. youd still not be wanting to decide. Decision avoidance... especially when given an option.

  8. #8
    Senior Member oneandonly's Avatar
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    definitely stop focusing on his actions. you are you. you are not him.

  9. #9
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    I want him. I really do. I didn't know if he wanted me, and I was confused by his behavior and didn't want to get hurt, so I tried to maintain a distance--I was also denying my feelings for him because it felt too vulnerable and completely awkward, since I'mused to men being more assertive, and displaying more of their interest in me--when he wasn't, I assumed he wasn't interested and I just couldn't put myself out there the way I wanted to. Even now, I have no clue where I stand, because everytime I think he hates me, or doesn't want anything to do with me, he'll say the opposite... Or look happy to see me, or hurt if I do something to distance him from me. But that doesn't make me feel better, because as of yet, this is the most distant I feel like he's been, and I know that it's not a good sign. That is why I sent him that email, I just don't know what else to do...

    I know the email was more talk, and that is what I'm afraid of--that he is probably thinking that too. But I didn't know what else to do... I've completely went about things the wrong way with him. When I'm around him, I don't act like I like him, I act the opposite, and I text him my feelings, but it's so difficult for me to be so vulnerable out in the open. I wanted to just call him, or even see him in person and tell him, but because he was giving me the silent treatment when I did text him, I didn't know if he would be open to seeing me. That is why I emailed him. I was very honest in the email about my actions.

    Still, I don't know if he believed me... He hasn't responded, and on top of that, I noticed he was active on facebook this week, which means he got it and obviously did not take it seriously enough to respond, hence why I feel a bit stupid. I'm going to back away for a month, and give him his space, unless he contacts me.

    Do you guys think my chances with him are pretty slim at this point?

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post

    Do you guys think my chances with him are pretty slim at this point?
    Pretty difficult to answer that question but YES.

    Cut your losses, learn some lessons, let GO and move on.

    If he contacts you later down the line, then so be it. But don't expect it.
    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

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