User Tag List

First 5678917 Last

Results 61 to 70 of 195

  1. #61
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    enfp
    Enneagram
    8
    Posts
    13,878

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    It wasn't an ultimatum, not really anyway.
    I'm of a personal mindframe that if you have no intentions of being a friend to someone, you have little intentions for more than friendship to last. But that's neither here nor there. The fact you told him how it had to be was fine. That's good stuff. The part that makes it an ultimatum is the time. You mentioned he had less than a month to reply? eh? Like, if it's more than a month you just cannot be bothered for him? It makes him sound like he's only worth about 2-3 weeks of consideration. Not something I'd stick around for. Sure, a month of ignores is usually more than customary to write a short note back saying that you respect his decision and what not.. but throwing the timeline on him so hard and fast like that makes it an all-or-nothing thing. Like it's not even his decision, he's got to decide between your parameters. You're still trying to control the situation.

    Yes I messed up but at the time I didn't understand him.
    Also happens all the time. You live and learn. And yeah, some of that stuff? Is really creep. But did you ever bother just telling him it was creep without also judging him? Usually I find girls tend to be creeped out--but never say they are.. so the dude just keeps doing the creepy stuff unaware.. just as unaware as you were. Y'all sound both young and still learning.

    And since he isn't very verbal and direct unless I corner him, I'm sort of left assuming things.
    You know what they say about assumptions. Look, follow your instincts. The only difference between romantic acts and creep acts is if you find the guy attractive or not. There's little difference outside of that. He has no reason to be verbal and direct--he was on first. He was as direct as he knew how. And it made things worse. Of course his natural reaction is to pull back. Just like it was yours. It's okay to listen to instincts.. but following them to a T isn't always the best course. You never break out of your comfort zone and make more efficient things muscle memory that way.

    That being said I get what your saying. I messed up. I can't expect for him to come running back to me after I messed up as much as I did. And I'm okay with that but why not just say "no I don't want to be your bf" and leave it at that. I would respect and understand that more than plain ignoring it.
    Except you don't know if the issue is ignored just because he didn't talk to you about it yet. Or, maybe its eating him alive trying to figure it out. Or maybe some other nice girl is talking to him and he's conflicted. Orrr, here's a crazy one, you told him he could take his time without consequence and so he is... measuring his thoughts and actions perfectly before he reaches back out again either way. There's a hundred scenarios for plausible and understandable reasons why he'd delay responding. Nothing to be upset about though--especially if you literally told him it was cool.

    He could very well be ignoring you. Trying to block this whole thing out for a while, get his head straight, be vengeful.. whatever. You don't really know.. speculating doesn't help, and usually harbors resentment that could put a damper on if something positive does happen or is going on that you can't see.

    I'm generally good at reading people under normal circumstances, btw. But in this situation I plain sucked. But now I know if I do ever date an intj again how to approach it differently. It's a learning experience. I just learned a bit too late.
    it happens. You'll figure things out. And besides, not all INTJs are creep. Some are pretty in tune with things. Immaturity has a lot more to do with this than type.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

    In Search Of... ... Kiwi Sketch Art ... Dream Journal ... Kyuuei's Cook book ... Kyu's Tiny House Blog ... Minimalist Challenge ... Kyu's Savings Challenge

  2. #62
    Male johnnyyukon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Enneagram
    7w8 sx/sp
    Posts
    2,839

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    I find it amusing in a way but also am pissed off because all he had to say was "no I don't want to be your bf bitch your crazy lol" . Him ignoring it is a bruise to my ego and my feelz. Eventually I will get over it.
    I'm glad to hear some clear thinking there. Understanding that this all sucks but knowing that once you get whatever closure you need, and cry on your pillow (or whatever girls do, I punch walls) life will carry on.

    Your emotions have really taken over, and believe me, I know exactly what that feels like. At times it becomes such an obsession, you can't even think straight. I think you gotta just figure out how much more you can take, cuz at anytime you can CHOOSE to walk away (I think, haha).

    But I did have a question. Did you ever think about why you pushed him away in the first place?

    Sooooooo many times people break up, or don't get together for VERY good reasons. Then once they lose that person, they forget ALL of those reasons. And sometimes when/if they get back together all the same those reasons come back, all the stuff that made you hesitant and doubtful (after the initial euphoria is over, of course).

    Not saying this is your case, but it often is.

    I've had so many girlfriends that I've pushed away I lost count. Some, relationship never budded, some it was very easy, some it was very hard but knew it was right, and then a couple that I came crawling back, practically grovelling like a fucking beggar. Pretty pitiful, actually.

    Neither of the two I wanted back took me back, and one if them, it was a damn good thing, cuz really, she was just super hot, but that was about it (ok, she was a warm person, but other than physical, we weren't on the same frequency).

    I'd love to see some statistics on how often "getting back together" actually works. I'm sure it happens, but it's never happened for me. The last one, we kind of tried, but she was already dating this dude pretty seriously, and I wasn't ABOUT to try to keep making that work while she was still fucking him ESPECIALLY since I still had doubts. And I don't do friendzones.

    Lesson, don't fuck with people's shit, and don't take people for granted. Last part easier said than done. But doable.

    In the meantime, perhaps take up a hobby? Such as collecting stray, or homeless cats and taking your first steps towards becoming a crazy Cat Lady that don't need no man.



    edit: and a lot of the specific advice I've been hearing, it doesn't really matter. Sending him a birthday card exactly 15.5 days late, using a mostly teal color, and putting it in a yellow envelope, but making sure to use no more than 2 smiley faces isn't going to magically make him take you back.

    Sounds like you've done what you can, the most important is letting him know how you really feel. The rest is like flapping your arms, trying to fly (I heard this one guy did it, but he was on a lot of crystal meth).

    And I don't know what this guy is like, but I'd be eating things like birthday cards up, but not really doing anything about it, and thinking "Yeah that's right bitch, you put me through hell, and now it's your turn." Then again, I'm a rather warped individual.
    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

    Each thought's completely warped
    I'm like a walkin', talkin', ouija board.

  3. #63
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    686

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post

    Lesson, don't fuck with people's shit, and don't take people for granted. Last part easier said than done. But doable.

    In the meantime, perhaps take up a hobby? Such as collecting stray, or homeless cats and taking your first steps towards becoming a crazy Cat Lady that don't need no man.
    Hey! I resemble that comment. But I still like to fuck with peoples shit, just not when I actually want to fuck them, at least I wait until afterwards.


    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post
    edit: and a lot of the specific advice I've been hearing, it doesn't really matter. Sending him a birthday card exactly 15.5 days late, using a mostly teal color, and putting it in a yellow envelope, but making sure to use no more than 2 smiley faces isn't going to magically make him take you back.
    No. But putting a unicorn in it might. And if that doesn't work there's always facebook stalking.

  4. #64
    Male johnnyyukon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Enneagram
    7w8 sx/sp
    Posts
    2,839

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Chthonic View Post
    Hey! I resemble that comment. But I still like to fuck with peoples shit, just not when I actually want to fuck them, at least I wait until afterwards.
    So let me get this straight, you fuck with people's shit if you don't wanna fuck 'em, but if it's someone you wanna fuck, then you don't fuck with their shit, but after you fuck 'em, you then fuck with their shit?

    Seems reasonable.

    You have a lot of cats don't you?


    Quote Originally Posted by Chthonic View Post
    No. But putting a unicorn in it might. And if that doesn't work there's always facebook stalking.
    Nothing will mend the broken bond of Lost Love quicker than obsessively pouring over some guy's every picture, looking for girls he's with, trying to read too much into status updates, and generally making yourself go batshit crazy. Do this, and you will surely be united forever with your lost love.
    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

    Each thought's completely warped
    I'm like a walkin', talkin', ouija board.

  5. #65
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    686

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post
    So let me get this straight, you fuck with people's shit if you don't wanna fuck 'em, but if it's someone you wanna fuck, then you don't fuck with their shit, but after you fuck 'em, you then fuck with their shit?
    You see how simple this is?

    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post
    You have a lot of cats don't you?
    29 and counting. But 'technically' the one-eyed foster cat with a drooling problem isnt actually mine.

    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post
    Nothing will mend the broken bond of Lost Love quicker than obsessively pouring over some guy's every picture, looking for girls he's with, trying to read too much into status updates, and generally making yourself go batshit crazy. Do this, and you will surely be united forever with your lost love.
    Yes. In similar ways to how people are united with herpes or embarassing body hair. I really feel you and I have enormous energy synchronicity, its like destiny or something. Please PM me a link to your facebook page.

  6. #66
    Male johnnyyukon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Enneagram
    7w8 sx/sp
    Posts
    2,839

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Chthonic View Post
    You see how simple this is?



    29 and counting. But 'technically' the one-eyed foster cat with a drooling problem isnt actually mine.



    Yes. In similar ways to how people are united with herpes or embarassing body hair. I really feel you and I have enormous energy synchronicity, its like destiny or something. Please PM me a link to your facebook page.
    LOL

    errrr, yeah, um, could take me a minute to find the address. It's in my rolodex somewhere. I really wanna give it to you, but I'll have to look for it, could be a few months.
    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

    Each thought's completely warped
    I'm like a walkin', talkin', ouija board.

  7. #67
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    63

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I'm of a personal mindframe that if you have no intentions of being a friend to someone, you have little intentions for more than friendship to last. But that's neither here nor there. The fact you told him how it had to be was fine. That's good stuff. The part that makes it an ultimatum is the time. You mentioned he had less than a month to reply? eh? Like, if it's more than a month you just cannot be bothered for him? It makes him sound like he's only worth about 2-3 weeks of consideration. Not something I'd stick around for. Sure, a month of ignores is usually more than customary to write a short note back saying that you respect his decision and what not.. but throwing the timeline on him so hard and fast like that makes it an all-or-nothing thing. Like it's not even his decision, he's got to decide between your parameters. You're still trying to control the situation.



    Also happens all the time. You live and learn. And yeah, some of that stuff? Is really creep. But did you ever bother just telling him it was creep without also judging him? Usually I find girls tend to be creeped out--but never say they are.. so the dude just keeps doing the creepy stuff unaware.. just as unaware as you were. Y'all sound both young and still learning.



    You know what they say about assumptions. Look, follow your instincts. The only difference between romantic acts and creep acts is if you find the guy attractive or not. There's little difference outside of that. He has no reason to be verbal and direct--he was on first. He was as direct as he knew how. And it made things worse. Of course his natural reaction is to pull back. Just like it was yours. It's okay to listen to instincts.. but following them to a T isn't always the best course. You never break out of your comfort zone and make more efficient things muscle memory that way.



    Except you don't know if the issue is ignored just because he didn't talk to you about it yet. Or, maybe its eating him alive trying to figure it out. Or maybe some other nice girl is talking to him and he's conflicted. Orrr, here's a crazy one, you told him he could take his time without consequence and so he is... measuring his thoughts and actions perfectly before he reaches back out again either way. There's a hundred scenarios for plausible and understandable reasons why he'd delay responding. Nothing to be upset about though--especially if you literally told him it was cool.

    He could very well be ignoring you. Trying to block this whole thing out for a while, get his head straight, be vengeful.. whatever. You don't really know.. speculating doesn't help, and usually harbors resentment that could put a damper on if something positive does happen or is going on that you can't see.



    it happens. You'll figure things out. And besides, not all INTJs are creep. Some are pretty in tune with things. Immaturity has a lot more to do with this than type.
    Ok, I didn't think about the fact that placing a time limit on it was controlling... I was merely trying not to put myself in a position where I would be waiting a long period of time only to be told that he had no interest anyway--in other words, I wanted to give him space, but I also wanted to give myself an opportunity to move on as quickly as possible if he wasn't interested, and sitting around waiting for him to make a decision that might not be favorable would suck, because that time could be spent dating someone else with a clean slate. I also felt at the time, that it shouldn't take that long to decide whether you want to be with someone or not. He knows on some level what he wants--most people do--it shouldn't take months to come to that decision.

    But I get what your saying. For months, I've strung him along, changed my mind, changed the circumstances of our friendship/relationship several times, and he was patient with it. Perhaps I should have exercised more patience with him and given him more time.

    In regards to the creepiness... I mean yes I told him, indirectly that he was being too intense. I made comments to let him know, i.e. "you shouldn't be so obvious, keep me on my toes," or, "your stalking me, stop.", or "I can walk myself to my car" etc, or(after it became clear that everyone in our office thought we were dating because of him telling a few coworkers, and because of him frequently coming to my desk) "I don't want anyone in my business... I don't want them to think that we're dating. It's unprofessional and awkward" I mean these weren't the exact phrases, but something along the lines. I think it hurt his feelings though, because he frequently would send me messages saying, "are you going to be nice to me today?", etc, or "since you won't let me walk you to your car, I'm not going to talk to you today, etc" At the time I didn't know how to verbalize that his attention was scaring me, so I was a bit mean about it, but I had still liked him, I just wanted him to back off a bit.

    I don't know what his issue was--maybe it was immaturity... I don't know. He's had girlfriends before, but I got this distinct feeling that he didn't feel very experienced or secure with trying to date... I was immature too. Very. But I wasn't experienced with dating, and didn't know what I was doing. I don't know the etiquettes of most things. For instance, I didn't realize it was rude to leave right after you "hook up"(if it's more than a ONS and you like), or that it would be offensive to not want to spend the night if he asked you to, or that you should talk to guys on the weekends(I was always told not to). Just everything I was doing was not necessarily intentional but just inexperience.

    Your right, I am making a lot of assumptions. I don't truly know what's going on. He might respond, he might not... It may happen within the month period, it may not. I'm just preparing myself for the possibility that he won't. Oan, when I sent the letter, afterwards I realized that a part of me had wanted him to say "no", because then I would just move on right away, because I would know there is no hope. But not answering it all together just makes it feel unresolved at this point.

  8. #68
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Posts
    63

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post
    I'm glad to hear some clear thinking there. Understanding that this all sucks but knowing that once you get whatever closure you need, and cry on your pillow (or whatever girls do, I punch walls) life will carry on.

    Your emotions have really taken over, and believe me, I know exactly what that feels like. At times it becomes such an obsession, you can't even think straight. I think you gotta just figure out how much more you can take, cuz at anytime you can CHOOSE to walk away (I think, haha).

    But I did have a question. Did you ever think about why you pushed him away in the first place?

    Sooooooo many times people break up, or don't get together for VERY good reasons. Then once they lose that person, they forget ALL of those reasons. And sometimes when/if they get back together all the same those reasons come back, all the stuff that made you hesitant and doubtful (after the initial euphoria is over, of course).

    Not saying this is your case, but it often is.

    I've had so many girlfriends that I've pushed away I lost count. Some, relationship never budded, some it was very easy, some it was very hard but knew it was right, and then a couple that I came crawling back, practically grovelling like a fucking beggar. Pretty pitiful, actually.

    Neither of the two I wanted back took me back, and one if them, it was a damn good thing, cuz really, she was just super hot, but that was about it (ok, she was a warm person, but other than physical, we weren't on the same frequency).

    I'd love to see some statistics on how often "getting back together" actually works. I'm sure it happens, but it's never happened for me. The last one, we kind of tried, but she was already dating this dude pretty seriously, and I wasn't ABOUT to try to keep making that work while she was still fucking him ESPECIALLY since I still had doubts. And I don't do friendzones.

    Lesson, don't fuck with people's shit, and don't take people for granted. Last part easier said than done. But doable.

    In the meantime, perhaps take up a hobby? Such as collecting stray, or homeless cats and taking your first steps towards becoming a crazy Cat Lady that don't need no man.



    edit: and a lot of the specific advice I've been hearing, it doesn't really matter. Sending him a birthday card exactly 15.5 days late, using a mostly teal color, and putting it in a yellow envelope, but making sure to use no more than 2 smiley faces isn't going to magically make him take you back.

    Sounds like you've done what you can, the most important is letting him know how you really feel. The rest is like flapping your arms, trying to fly (I heard this one guy did it, but he was on a lot of crystal meth).

    And I don't know what this guy is like, but I'd be eating things like birthday cards up, but not really doing anything about it, and thinking "Yeah that's right bitch, you put me through hell, and now it's your turn." Then again, I'm a rather warped individual.
    Meh, I pushed him away because he was too intense and I wasn't use to it. Beyond that, I had just gotten out of an LTR with a guy who was abusive, and my mother had died less than a year earlier. I wasn't ready to be vulnerable or to get too into someone only to end up getting hurt in the process. It was never about him, persay, but I just wasn't ready yet.

    And honestly he knows I like him. We had talked about that before we even had sex, for the first time, back in August. So it was never a case of him not being certain of my feelings--he did need them to be validated more because he felt like I didn't do enough to show it, or that I would never say it to his face, but he knew I liked him. Just like I know that despite his weird behavior that he still likes me. The problem is that he knew I was being dishonest about what I really wanted with him, and rather than admitting it, I kept pretending that it wasn't--which in the end may have put him off. But I would be surprised if he was ignoring me deliberately to try to let me know how it feels to not be certain of feelings, since we both were pretty certain that we liked each other... The certainty issue is more about what's going to come of it. In any case, I get what your saying. I'm still not sending the bday card though. And I'm going to stop anonymously facebook stalking him lmao.

    I do have hobbies and things going on, besides him. I've cut him off before(that time for two months) and with time i stopped having as much feelz.

  9. #69
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    enfp
    Enneagram
    8
    Posts
    13,878

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    I don't truly know what's going on. He might respond, he might not... It may happen within the month period, it may not. I'm just preparing myself for the possibility that he won't. Oan, when I sent the letter, afterwards I realized that a part of me had wanted him to say "no", because then I would just move on right away, because I would know there is no hope. But not answering it all together just makes it feel unresolved at this point.
    I mean... Like I said, I don't know the guy at all--I can't really comment on what he's doing, he's not here to say his side of things. So I'm refraining from picking on him too much for a reason. With that said, I understand wanting resolution, and I hope you get it sooner rather than later. Just because I tell you putting that time stipulation looks like you're manipulating the situation doesn't mean it's necessarily wrong... If you want to be with him it might not be exactly right, but if you can't handle a month of ignoring that's still something you need to say. It's all a balance of things. It's not wrong to say things indirectly--he probably should have picked up on it. But a lack of directness means leaving room for interpretation and doubt.. And ENFPs are notorious for saying something serious, but in a lighthearted way in an attempt to spare the feelings of others (and more importantly, their own feelings about having to be direct at all) and so something that seems very direct and communicated well ends up in a message of "oh, it's okay, I'm not really upset and you don't need to change." It happens a lot..

    ... And then you have knuckleheads that'll ignore it even for a multitude of reasons. Wish you the best girl and I hope you get the answers you seek soon.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

    In Search Of... ... Kiwi Sketch Art ... Dream Journal ... Kyuuei's Cook book ... Kyu's Tiny House Blog ... Minimalist Challenge ... Kyu's Savings Challenge

  10. #70
    Male johnnyyukon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Enneagram
    7w8 sx/sp
    Posts
    2,839

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    Meh, I pushed him away because he was too intense and I wasn't use to it. Beyond that, I had just gotten out of an LTR with a guy who was abusive, and my mother had died less than a year earlier. I wasn't ready to be vulnerable or to get too into someone only to end up getting hurt in the process. It was never about him, persay, but I just wasn't ready yet.

    And honestly he knows I like him. We had talked about that before we even had sex, for the first time, back in August. So it was never a case of him not being certain of my feelings--he did need them to be validated more because he felt like I didn't do enough to show it, or that I would never say it to his face, but he knew I liked him. Just like I know that despite his weird behavior that he still likes me. The problem is that he knew I was being dishonest about what I really wanted with him, and rather than admitting it, I kept pretending that it wasn't--which in the end may have put him off. But I would be surprised if he was ignoring me deliberately to try to let me know how it feels to not be certain of feelings, since we both were pretty certain that we liked each other... The certainty issue is more about what's going to come of it. In any case, I get what your saying. I'm still not sending the bday card though. And I'm going to stop anonymously facebook stalking him lmao.

    I do have hobbies and things going on, besides him. I've cut him off before(that time for two months) and with time i stopped having as much feelz.
    So if, and that's a big "if", you were dating, back together, whatever, you're saying you now know how to handle his intensity? Or because of less drama and emotions elsewhere you would?

    Are you going to be able to show him, through actions, how you feel?

    He may not be ignoring you deliberately, but at the very least, is taking his sweet time. I don't know what he's thinking, but why then, is he ignoring you?

    I respect that you're willing to go through all this, because you really like the dude, I recently did something similar (doing things that were against my relationship principles for the first time ever) so I respect it. And hope you get some answers soon.

    Keep us updated. The suspense is killing me.


    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

    Each thought's completely warped
    I'm like a walkin', talkin', ouija board.

Similar Threads

  1. Not speaking my mind is going to kill me
    By CzeCze in forum The Bonfire
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 08-21-2010, 01:06 PM
  2. [INFP] Is anyone going to write a Common Issues INFP thread? Anyone?
    By Rebe in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 07-28-2010, 08:30 AM
  3. Socialism is never going to be as trendy as capitalism
    By Survive & Stay Free in forum Politics, History, and Current Events
    Replies: 80
    Last Post: 01-12-2010, 02:54 AM
  4. Is it going to kick off in London?
    By Kangirl in forum Politics, History, and Current Events
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 04-02-2009, 12:01 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO