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  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    If he really is INTJ (how sure are you of this?), don't be surprised if he takes most of the month you have given him to reply. Were I to receive this kind of message from someone with whom I had had any kind of relationship, or desire for one, I would be second-guessing myself every which way. Can she be believed? Does this explanation account for everything that has passed between us? Can I trust her in future? Can I trust my own judgment here? How should I respond? Should I respond? How do I even really feel about everything? What kind of commitment or involvement am I ready to make? Is this more bother than it's worth? Would I regret breaking it off for good. Etc.

    If given a month, I would spend at least half of it mulling over these questions and framing a reply, then most of the remaining two weeks reading it over and rewriting, so it says exactly what I want. Unless, of course, I had absolutely no interest. Then I would reply immediately to say so.

    Bottom line: no news may be good news, but prepare for the worst as others have said.
    He took the test. And prior to that showed all the INTJ quirks. I am preparing for the worse, honestly. But I suppose that I sort of want the worst--if he tells me no, I can finally move on. I've been trying to find a way out, which is why a few weeks ago, I asked him if he wanted me to stop contacting him. Because I desperately wanted to stop loving him and move on to a healthier relationship where I can start over again. I really thought that because he had been so distant that he was going to shut me out and say "no" or worse just ignore my question, but when he responded and told me not to leave him alone, it sort of put me back into the same trap. Part of the reason I wrote the letter, was to get closure--to hear him say in finality that there was no chance for anything. If he said that, then I would finally move on. If he said yes, then I would get what I wanted. but either way I would have closure. If he says nothing, it's worse, because it's up in the air and then I have to ask him, if he got it, what he thought, etc. And then it's like the same thing, where I'm wondering where we stand. So while I'll be disappointed if he says no, if he does it will finally nudge me over him.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Thank you everyone, I appreciate your responses. I've decided, that since his birthday is on the 15th, I'll just send him a text through facebook, etc saying happy bday and then say, btw did you get the email I sent you a few weeks ago, and see what he says.
    I'll notify you guys at how this pans out.

  2. #42
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    I'm going to give him time, the full month, and then take it from there.
    My feeling is that you really need to stick with this. Don't be wishy-washy about it, don't waffle, don't text him on his birthday, do exactly what you said you would do.

    The unfortunate thing for you is you have no way of knowing for certain whether he received your e-mail, but the probability he did see it is likely over 98% because you sent it to linkedin. You now have to live with that small uncertainty, because otherwise again, you will not be doing exactly what you said you would do. Contacting him on his birthday is breaking the "rule" you made for yourself and will have high potential to look like you are talking to him just because you covertly want to find out if he received your message. (Which is all about being concerned with you btw, and not him, since I sense you perhaps hoped he would rush to be with you once you sent that message).

    Stick with the month, no matter how difficult. Just move on with your days and do your regular things.
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  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    He took the test. And prior to that showed all the INTJ quirks. I am preparing for the worse, honestly. But I suppose that I sort of want the worst--if he tells me no, I can finally move on. I've been trying to find a way out, which is why a few weeks ago, I asked him if he wanted me to stop contacting him. Because I desperately wanted to stop loving him and move on to a healthier relationship where I can start over again. I really thought that because he had been so distant that he was going to shut me out and say "no" or worse just ignore my question, but when he responded and told me not to leave him alone, it sort of put me back into the same trap. Part of the reason I wrote the letter, was to get closure--to hear him say in finality that there was no chance for anything. If he said that, then I would finally move on. If he said yes, then I would get what I wanted. but either way I would have closure. If he says nothing, it's worse, because it's up in the air and then I have to ask him, if he got it, what he thought, etc. And then it's like the same thing, where I'm wondering where we stand. So while I'll be disappointed if he says no, if he does it will finally nudge me over him.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Thank you everyone, I appreciate your responses. I've decided, that since his birthday is on the 15th, I'll just send him a text through facebook, etc saying happy bday and then say, btw did you get the email I sent you a few weeks ago, and see what he says.
    I'll notify you guys at how this pans out.
    I do hope this works out for you, but either way, it would be great to hear from you about what happened and how you're doing. Take care.
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  4. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    My feeling is that you really need to stick with this. Don't be wishy-washy about it, don't waffle, don't text him on his birthday, do exactly what you said you would do.

    The unfortunate thing for you is you have no way of knowing for certain whether he received your e-mail, but the probability he did see it is likely over 98% because you sent it to linkedin. You now have to live with that small uncertainty, because otherwise again, you will not be doing exactly what you said you would do. Contacting him on his birthday is breaking the "rule" you made for yourself and will have high potential to look like you are talking to him just because you covertly want to find out if he received your message. (Which is all about being concerned with you btw, and not him, since I sense you perhaps hoped he would rush to be with you once you sent that message).

    Stick with the month, no matter how difficult. Just move on with your days and do your regular things.
    I didnt send it through linkedin. I just copied the email account off his linkedin and emailed him. But your right. I just felt like it is rude to not acknowledge his bday, but I need to wait it out.

  5. #45
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    Would it be okay for me to send him a bday card. No message inside beyond my signature. His bday is sort of significant, last year on his birthday was the first time we ever spent time together. I also don't know how important this is but in the letter I did not tell him I loved him. I just said "deeply care" because I was afraid it would scare him off. Should I have told him that I loved him?

  6. #46
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    @rayna I agree that you need to honor your time commitment to wait for his response. It's really another opportunity for you to flake on your word, or not, and I'm sure he sees that.

    About the allotted time though, I want to revisit your words (an INTJ would surely take them verbatim). A month is not the time you agreed to.

    ...I would prefer that you take your time, if you need it, before you answer me… Just don’t leave me hanging--don't let a month go by for instance without saying anything... I can wait a few weeks, but please get back to me..."
    Note the bolded:
    1) You ask him to not let a month go by before he responds, and say clearly that your limit is a few weeks. I would honor this literally and only wait three weeks.
    2) You said that you would prefer that he take his time in responding, so clearly he will do that if he values you-- don't fret that he's taking his time, you asked him to!

    Just my take.

    The birthday thing is tricky, I'm sure you didn't realize his birthday was within the time frame when you sent the email. You could always send something anonymously, balloons? If you do send a snail mail card (a much better idea than FB because it requires effort), keep it simple.
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  7. #47
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    Omg didnt realize that, technically he has like a week and a half left. I think snail mail is a good idea. But I will make it simple. I honestly didn't think it would take long for him to say yes or no. So I guess I am surprised by the length of time it is taking.

  8. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    Would it be okay for me to send him a bday card. No message inside beyond my signature. His bday is sort of significant, last year on his birthday was the first time we ever spent time together. I also don't know how important this is but in the letter I did not tell him I loved him. I just said "deeply care" because I was afraid it would scare him off. Should I have told him that I loved him?
    No. His birthday is only significant to you, you don't have any clue if it's significant to him. You shouldn't have told him you loved him, you should just let it be. The more you push and push, I guarantee, it's going to drive him away. It's smothering and that will trump every other feeling he may or may not have for you.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  9. #49
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    I didn't tell him I loved him. I haven't contacted him since I sent the email. I was going to send him a bday card just to acknowledge that it is his bday. I do this for everyone in my life. I felt like it's almost bordering rude to not say happy birthday to someone on their birthday when you know it is, and you've known them long enough where you should know when the bday is. And his bday is significant to him. In fact he's going to Florida for his bday. Last year he went to New York and DC. He likes to do it big for his bday, so I think it is significant. A simple card seemed small in the scheme of things, but you think it's a bad idea?

  10. #50
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    I didn't tell him I loved him. I haven't contacted him since I sent the email. I was going to send him a bday card just to acknowledge that it is his bday. I do this for everyone in my life. I felt like it's almost bordering rude to not say happy birthday to someone on their birthday when you know it is, and you've known them long enough where you should know when the bday is. And his bday is significant to him. In fact he's going to Florida for his bday. Last year he went to New York and DC. He likes to do it big for his bday, so I think it is significant. A simple card seemed small in the scheme of things, but you think it's a bad idea?
    Send him a belated birthday wish on the 3-week mark, or whatever you are considering your time limit. Make it brief. Ask him if he has reached his decision. If he doesn't reply, move on and do not contact him again.
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