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  1. #31
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    The general consensus was to leave it alone and that it was futile because he was done with me. And not that I necessarily listened to it, but I guess I started to think more about the situation a bit more clearly and realized that perhaps the best thing to do is just to give him space for a bit. When I saw him three weeks ago, he had mentioned that he hadn't been doing much lately--since May him and his closest friends have been drinking a ton, and hanging out a lot--to the point where about 90% of the time he was wasted. He said that he hadn't been going out lately, just working and keeping to himself. I suspect that he might be in a withdrawal or turn down phase(i.e. retreat) and trying to continue to make myself known to him, probably won't do much. Honestly, when we had spoke a few weeks ago(after I saw him last) he had seemed fine and we even talked twice after that. But then when I sent him a message a few days later, he did not respond, and when I sent him another message the next day he didn't respond. And that's when I gave up and sent the email. It was too difficult for me to tell if the distance is because he was through with me, or because he had been drained from how social he had been with partying for the last 3-4 months. In addition, this pattern isn't completely off with him. Last year I thought he disliked me, when he did the same thing(all the sudden seemed distant and cold), only to find out that he had liked me that entire time, and that he wanted me to *fight* for him, and when I hadn't, it was disappointing. Which was why I was going to try to fight...

    Communication has always been sporadic with him. There's not a real way for me to know whether he's done or whether he's thinking, or if he even got the email. But at this point, I figure that I should at the least give him the month or so, I said I would, before attempting anything else(that is if I do decide to reach back out). originially I was going to ask him if we could meet face to face, so that I could talk with him(have a heart-to heart) and spill my heart out in person, but like I said, after I thought about it, I realized that perhaps I should at least wait to see what happens, over the next couple of weeks(if he gets back to me or not).

    What I don't get, is even if he was completely done, why not just send me an email or text back saying "No I'm not interested" and then leave it alone. Why leave it up in the air?

    OAN, last year when I had stopped talking to him for a couple of months, I had asked him to be my friend on linkein(sent him the request), he responded and roughly critisized my linkedin profile picture and did not accept the friend request(I figured it was because he didn't like the picture, was upset that I had cut him off, or forgot, etc). A month or so went by(no contact) and then all of the sudden he finally accepts the friend request(I got the email saying he did)--even though I know he was an active linkein user(after all the same day I sent him the request he responded making fun of the picture) and could have accepted him within the first few days I sent in. My point? That it's really difficult to assess that his nonresponse at this point means he completely ruled out the possibility of anything with me. He could be thinking it out, stressed, isolating himself, calling my bluff(I've done things similar to this before with him only to halfway through retract what I said, or do what I said I wouldn't and not give him the space, etc he might not believe the letter at this point) or uncertain. The last time(last year) when I listened to a forum board that gave me advice about him, I took it, and cut him off, only to find out that their assesment was not true. So while I'm obviously listening to what you guys have said(which is why I have not contacted him since the email and plan not to for the rest of the month) I don't know if the situation is as futile as some have said, or not. I also know that a few weeks ago when he was very distant and I asked him if he wanted us to stop communicating orand sent him several messages about it, he responded with "I'm at work... I'll get back to you", and the next day he told me "No, I don't want you to leave me alone" the phrase "I don't want you to leave me alone" indicated to me, at the very least, that as much as I might drive him crazy, play games, etc, that he still couldn't be done with me.

    I also don't believe he would have been so weird the last time we saw each other, if he was already inching out--him being physically affectionate with me, when he's never been before, him letting me into his "space", him telling me that he didn't want me to leave that night even when he seemed to be falling asleep, heck even him telling me I could spend the night, to me indicates that there are feelings there... His friends even notice how he acts differently when I'm around(one of them hinted that I should go on a "date" with him to the city)-it was as if this friend was trying to encourage me to do it(as in they knew that he liked me).

    So, I'm not ruling out completely, and still have hope, but I'm also not going to reach out or try anything at this point, and am just going to try to put it to the back of my mind. Perhaps I'm being stupid. And it is correct that I don't have time to waste, but at the same time, I do believe I love him, and because of that, I am willing to wait a bit longer to see what happens.

  2. #32
    noʎ ɟo ǝʇnɔ ʍoH Mademoiselle's Avatar
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    I can make you have him, have you even read what I said?
    Anyway, your relation ship won’t last so long, every step is harder than the other, do you really think it worthies it?
    He’s not the only guy on the planet as I said.
    But again as I said, if you truly loved him,.. you can’t truly love again.

    Up to your heart.

    Want to keep it?
    Imagine this is the best thing you've ever read.

  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post


    There's really nothing I can do to fix this?
    I'm an ENFP with an INTJ man.
    If INTJ really wants you, he would make sure he can catch you and make you his.
    However, understand how their thinking process, they would make sure they really really wanted you before decide to pursue you.

  4. #34
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    I agree that if a man really wants a woman he will pursue it. Especially being that I made myself vulnerable. However, unfortunately this is not the first time. Throughout our relationship at different points I've made myself vulnerable and revealed tidbits of feelings and he would typically respond back and reveal his vulnerability as well, but each time, I unintentionally hurt him. The most recent time, I was vulnerable, he responded back and I flaked. Ever since then he seems to be tight lipped about revealing anything to me at all. The only reason I had somewhat thought he might still like me, is that nonverbally he was still showing signs-but verbally he wont' do it anymore. I think I hurt him a lot the last time, because I flaked on him in front of his friends, after i knew he had been wanting to go on this date with me. In any case, that's the issue. Normally, when I reveal a vulnerability, he will too, or if he doesn't he'll at least respond with action(i.e. asking me on a date, coming around more often, inviting me over) but because of how I've been, lately he doesn't respond to it. He even said that I'm all talk, so I don't think he takes me seriously, he probably believes I say the things that I perhaps think he wants to hear, but that I'm not being genuine and what's worse is that he might feel that if he is vulnerable again with me, I'll just hurt him, like I did the last time. In that situation, what does one do? I realize that recently I've hurt him a lot, and that when I had the chance(when he did reach out to me), instead of embracing him, I rejected him.

    I'm going to give him time, the full month, and then take it from there.

    Madimoselle, I get what your saying. But I no longer work with him, and I do not see him anymore at all, the only way I see him, is if he personally invites me over to his place. There is no way to get in front of him--he lives 35 minutes away. There isn't a way to be indirectly beating him at anything. The only thing I can do, is do something differently that I've done in the past--which is stick to my word. I told him I would give him a month to think it over, and typically I used to say "ish" like that all the time, and then retract or demand answers right away, this time, I'm going to stick with it. It's his birthday in a week and a half, I won't even text him. I'm just backing away completely.
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  5. #35
    ✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿ digesthisickness's Avatar
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    I forget @rayna, did you say in the email that if he doesn't respond, you'll assume he's done and move on?

    And, what day is the last day of this month you've given him?
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  6. #36
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    I didn't say I would move on if he didn't respond. I said to either tell me that he's open to dating me and being in a relationship, OR that he isn't open to dating me so that I can move on. But I didn't say that his lack of response would mean I would move on. I told him to please not leave me hanging though, that I would give him a month to think it over and to only respond once he's really had a chance to. But that's it. I sent him that email September 21st, so he technically has until October 21st to respond... But I really didn't think it would take him a month to process it. It was a 4 page letter, and I did let someone read it, and they said they thought it really cut through the butter, and would at the very least explain my actions, but I didn't think he would take this long to respond.

    I do have a feeling he won't respond at all. Like I said this isn't the first time this happened, and usually I'll confront him, and sort of push him in the corner, like "Look dude, do you want me to stop contacting you, your ignoring me." and then I'll swamp him with angry texts and he'll respond right away. Never have I ever done something like this, where I actually gave him space. The reason I did it though, was because I didn't want it to be forced. His last gf forced him into a relationship, and it seems like he likes being forced into things(i.e. with the FWB, even after he agreed, it took weeks of me being persistant and continuing to express interest in it, before we actually slept together and made out--etc, before that time, when I had stopped talking to him for a while, I told him I wanted to be friends again, and it took weeks of me continuing to text him with no response, before he started to warm up). But I'm not going to force him here, so that is why I didn't try to make it an ultimatimum, but I thought out of respect that he'd at least not leave me hanging, and respond. I told him that it won't hurt me if he tells me no. I tell him this all the time, and he still won't completely open up to me. It's very frustrating, but I know that it's partly my fault, I don't think he trusts me with his heart and I don't blame him. I think he also thinks I might change my mind again--like how I went from "let's be friends", to "let's be fwbs" to now a month later, "let's be boyfriend and girlfriend", it's easy for that to lead to, "yeah let's break up." I get it, I do, and that's why I'm giving him space. I would honestly rather him tell me no, so I know there's no chance, then for him to ignore it. I didn't think he would honestly...

  7. #37
    ✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿ digesthisickness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    I didn't say I would move on if he didn't respond. I said to either tell me that he's open to dating me and being in a relationship, OR that he isn't open to dating me so that I can move on. But I didn't say that his lack of response would mean I would move on. I told him to please not leave me hanging though, that I would give him a month to think it over and to only respond once he's really had a chance to. But that's it. I sent him that email September 21st, so he technically has until October 21st to respond... But I really didn't think it would take him a month to process it. It was a 4 page letter, and I did let someone read it, and they said they thought it really cut through the butter, and would at the very least explain my actions, but I didn't think he would take this long to respond.
    Ahh. Thanks for the date. It's easier to put it in perspective with a date. Hmm. Wish you'd have added a, "if you don't respond, I'll take it as a 'move on' so you don't have to talk to me in order for me to get the message." That way, you'd have a definite answer even without an answer, and it isn't pushy or anything, but too late for that now. Now, it's all in his court with an unfortunate Damocles Sword hanging over you. A very possible lack of response at all. Maybe, mentally prepare yourself for that to happen so you'll have closure? Meaning, tell yourself that if he doesn't answer in that time frame, you'll take it as a 'no' because if the answer was yes, he'd have 'fought for you' (as he once said about you). I agree about waiting for the entire month. Frankly, you're in love, and doing anything less would make it too hard to move on if you have to do it.

    Hopefully, he'll respond. It looks like you both have had feelings strong enough to give one another the benefit of the doubt at points. When we're first falling for someone and we ignore their faults a lot and make excuses for them. He did it with you at points and now, you're doing it with him. If he still has feelings for you, I hope you both have a good long sit-down and do all you can to avoid future push-pull's that hurt so much and cause so much confusion.
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  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by digesthisickness View Post
    Ahh. Thanks for the date. It's easier to put it in perspective with a date. Hmm. Wish you'd have added a, "if you don't respond, I'll take it as a 'move on' so you don't have to talk to me in order for me to get the message." That way, you'd have a definite answer even without an answer, and it isn't pushy or anything, but too late for that now. Now, it's all in his court with an unfortunate Damocles Sword hanging over you. A very possible lack of response at all. Maybe, mentally prepare yourself for that to happen so you'll have closure? Meaning, tell yourself that if he doesn't answer in that time frame, you'll take it as a 'no' because if the answer was yes, he'd have 'fought for you' (as he once said about you). I agree about waiting for the entire month. Frankly, you're in love, and doing anything less would make it too hard to move on if you have to do it.

    Hopefully, he'll respond. It looks like you both have had feelings strong enough to give one another the benefit of the doubt at points. When we're first falling for someone and we ignore their faults a lot and make excuses for them. He did it with you at points and now, you're doing it with him. If he still has feelings for you, I hope you both have a good long sit-down and do all you can to avoid future push-pull's that hurt so much and cause so much confusion.
    I wish, I would have too. I also wish I would have tracked the email, to make sure it was read, and that he got it(since I sent it to the email off his linked in)I noticed that he comments on peoples facebook profiles,(for instance he did 12 hours ago), and it's irritating that he seems to be so responsive to everyone else but me(he doesn't know I'm on facebook since I have a false profile lol) anyway I'm starting to accept the fact that perhaps I am delusional and he might not have ever felt very much for me. He might have just wanted sex, and since he got that, he might be done with it, or over it. What I don't get, is why he isn't able to be direct(as an INTJ), like even if he doesn't want a relationship, how difficult is it to just say "no." and be done with it. And just seems silly to leave up in the air and ignore it. Funny thing is, this is just like him. If I don't respond to him right away he'll call me on it, immediately, but when he takes his time, or ignores me, I don't even say much at first. I don't think he really cares, and seeing his facebook activity confirms that. Oh well, I guess.
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  9. #39
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    I do have a feeling he won't respond at all. Like I said this isn't the first time this happened, and usually I'll confront him, and sort of push him in the corner, like "Look dude, do you want me to stop contacting you, your ignoring me." and then I'll swamp him with angry texts and he'll respond right away. Never have I ever done something like this, where I actually gave him space.
    If he really is INTJ (how sure are you of this?), don't be surprised if he takes most of the month you have given him to reply. Were I to receive this kind of message from someone with whom I had had any kind of relationship, or desire for one, I would be second-guessing myself every which way. Can she be believed? Does this explanation account for everything that has passed between us? Can I trust her in future? Can I trust my own judgment here? How should I respond? Should I respond? How do I even really feel about everything? What kind of commitment or involvement am I ready to make? Is this more bother than it's worth? Would I regret breaking it off for good. Etc.

    If given a month, I would spend at least half of it mulling over these questions and framing a reply, then most of the remaining two weeks reading it over and rewriting, so it says exactly what I want. Unless, of course, I had absolutely no interest. Then I would reply immediately to say so.

    Bottom line: no news may be good news, but prepare for the worst as others have said.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...
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  10. #40
    ✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿ digesthisickness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    I wish, I would have too. I also wish I would have tracked the email, to make sure it was read, and that he got it(since I sent it to the email off his linked in)I noticed that he comments on peoples facebook profiles,(for instance he did 12 hours ago), and it's irritating that he seems to be so responsive to everyone else but me(he doesn't know I'm on facebook since I have a false profile lol) anyway I'm starting to accept the fact that perhaps I am delusional and he might not have ever felt very much for me. He might have just wanted sex, and since he got that, he might be done with it, or over it. What I don't get, is why he isn't able to be direct(as an INTJ), like even if he doesn't want a relationship, how difficult is it to just say "no." and be done with it. And just seems silly to leave up in the air and ignore it. Funny thing is, this is just like him. If I don't respond to him right away he'll call me on it, immediately, but when he takes his time, or ignores me, I don't even say much at first. I don't think he really cares, and seeing his facebook activity confirms that. Oh well, I guess.
    Hmmm. Well, @Coriolis (the post above this one) had good advice. And, if you're worried about the email not reaching him, you could always friend him on facebook under a profile you're okay using. Let him know it's you and friend him. Then, if he accepts your friend request, wait a couple days and then tell him you'd like to know if he got it because it's important. It's honest. Then if he says he did, you know, and can simply begin again with the waiting.
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