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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post
    Pretty difficult to answer that question but YES.

    Cut your losses, learn some lessons, let GO and move on.

    If he contacts you later down the line, then so be it. But don't expect it.


    There's really nothing I can do to fix this?

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post


    There's really nothing I can do to fix this?
    Man, I don't know.

    But I do think that that the more you try, the less successful you'll be. You may very well "fix" it by simply letting it go, but again, it's not about refusing to speak to him and ignoring him EXPECTING him to contact you, it's about truly moving on. Live your life. It really sounds like he has no reason to trust you at this point.

    Listen to the Beatles, "Let it Be."
    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

    Each thought's completely warped
    I'm like a walkin', talkin', ouija board.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post
    Man, I don't know.

    But I do think that that the more you try, the less successful you'll be. You may very well "fix" it by simply letting it go, but again, it's not about refusing to speak to him and ignoring him EXPECTING him to contact you, it's about truly moving on. Live your life. It really sounds like he has no reason to trust you at this point.

    Listen to the Beatles, "Let it Be."
    I've been thinking that as well--that perhaps I need to just cut my losses. It just sucks because I really did like him and I hate that I might have hurt him. I was hoping that even if he didnt feel the same that he would eventually respond and tell me "no I can't be your boyfriend" because in the past whenever I've asked him direct questions(such as the one in the email, except with far more urgency) he always answered, and never ignored me, even if he took a while to respond, and he answered honestly(or so I thought). When I asked him two weeks ago if he wanted me to stop contacting him, and he told me "no I don't want you to to leave me alone"--was he just trying to be nice, knowing deep down that he was already done? I had told him then, that I would move on, if he wanted me to leave him alone. So I've given him that option(other times I told him the same thing, that if I was bothering him or if he needed me to stop that I would, and he always try to stop from it--the only difference in this situation is that I wasn't as urgent or confrontational as I was in the other situations so I suppose he doesn't feel backed in the corner and might not even believe me).

    On another note, the ironic thing is that I'm usually never like this. I'm a very loving person and will express that to the guys I date. I don't usually act the way I did with him. It was partly because of his aloofness and "coldness" that I thought meant he didn't want me, but also unfortunately at the time we met, I had lost my mother only 8 months before, in a very traumatic way, so I just wasn't ready to be vulnerable and open with anyone the way I knew he probably had wanted and once I came to terms with her death and did realize that I wanted to be with him, it's too late.

    I'm going to try to just move on.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post

    I'm going to try to just move on.
    Good decision. And it's possible he wanted you to keep texting to reaffirm to him that you felt bad. But that DOESN'T mean he's going to want to try again.

    So yes, move one, sister.
    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

    Each thought's completely warped
    I'm like a walkin', talkin', ouija board.

  5. #15
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    When I was texting him, I didn't talk about how bad I felt, I typically just told him what was going on in my day, or sent him small talk messages.

    The one time I did try to express that I was sorry for doing things the way I did, he cut me off and said "no need to explain yourself I already know how you are(in terms of my fickleness and constantly downplaying my feelings for him lol). You think I don't like what you say or that I'm turned off and I'm not." In actuality I thought that he was turned off and didnt like what I said because he doesn't always respond(duh lol). In any case it might have been about ego--wanting
    Me to continue reaching out to him that is, but guess I will never know.
    Learned my lesson and next time will be my normal loving self. Also I guess as a feeler maybe I need to stick with other feelers since I'm just not able to gauge coldness and aloofness the right way. Lol.

  6. #16
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    Thank you everyone for the advice! While it made me sad, it gave me a brutal reality check that I need to let this go... I had hope and was living in the clouds thinking I still had a shot. Sucks but sometimes just hearing "there's no chance in hell " is the only way to snap out of it lol.

    As silly as it is, a part of me knows that I should let this go, because I know I've messed up too much, but another "deeper" part thinks that perhaps I should at least attempt a fight. Back in August, he had talked to me, and talked about how last December, I just gave up on him and didn't fight for him, and he asked me, "Why weren't you willing to fight for me? you were so downtrodden, and just gave up. You don't fight for the guys you like?" It was weird to me at the time--the notion of fighting for someone that I like, but that isn't mine, but to him, it seemed really important--that he felt like I didn't like him as much because I didn't fight.

    I sometimes, wonder if that is what it would take... I'm going to give him his space--the month of it, and let the letter penetrate his mind, but if he doesn't get back to me(which he honestly has never left me hanging) I will call him to see if we could possibly meet up and talk face to face, and perhaps spill my heart to his face, as opposed to the indirect method. I never call him, so maybe if the letter didn't reach him, me calling him and letting him know how I feel face to face, will let him know I'm serious? It could all be moot, but it doesn't hurt to try. My instincts based on what I know of him thus far(after finally understanding how he works) is that he hasn't completely given up on me, but that it's close, and that I have a slim chance. I'm going to try.

    I'll give you guys updates...

  7. #17
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    I want to tear my hair out when reading this.
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  8. #18
    Senior Member Opal's Avatar
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    It sounds like a lot of baggage has accumulated already. It may be difficult for him to arrange and orient his perspective for a relationship after having come to terms with rejection and emotional inconsistency. He probably read your letter, though applying warmth in person might work through barriers that text would not, and possibly prompt an earnest conversation.

    Quote Originally Posted by chubber View Post
    I want to tear my hair out when reading this.
    Yeah... mystery INTJ must be patient.

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opal View Post
    It sounds like a lot of baggage has accumulated already. It may be difficult for him to arrange and orient his perspective for a relationship after having come to terms with rejection and emotional inconsistency. He probably read your letter, though applying warmth in person might work through barriers that text would not, and possibly prompt an earnest conversation.



    Yeah... mystery INTJ must be patient.
    Thank you for the response. I know I've been emotional inconsistent, and unsure of what I wanted, and played far too many emotional games(unintentionally). I don't know if it's too late or not, but I am willing to try. Earlier back in May, when he had finally told me liked me, it was after weeks of sometimes ignoring my text messages(in other words what he is doing now). In other words, I would have NEVER known he still had feelings for me based on how infrequently he responded and how little we had seen each other. So I did not believe him. But then a week after, when we hung out, and he attempted to ask me out, in a casual manner, I thought that perhaps he did like me, but had been playing games. Now I know that he was just being an INTJ, but still his actions(not always being responsive to messages, not initiating much contact, etc) had led me to believe he did not like me in that way. He is doing the same thing now, and has done this periodically throughout the year, even during timeframes where he claims to have liked me, so it's too hard for me to tell if he still likes me now but is just being weird again about communication. I never know with him, which is why I've been trying hard not to assume he's completely over it and move on.

    He also really knows me well, so he KNOWS that I do a lot of talking and that I'm flakey, and has addressed this plenty of times, even during, after, and before he admitted to liking me. So I don't know if it's as much a dealbreaker as I believe it to be, since he already knows this about me(he literally did study me like a book and is very accurate whenever he describes my behavior). I think he knows how I feel, but also at the same time, is a bit uncertain the extent since he knows I've kept him at a distance--I had hoped that at the least the email would have let him know that, but now I know that it might have been blows of smoke in his eyes.

    Finally, I want to address something, he has been inconsistent as well. For instance, nothing in his behaviors up until the few occasions where he was very HOT acting(and very persistant) would have led me to believe he liked me at all, since he has always been unresponsive, beyond the times where he was very "hot" acting toward me, and did not often initiate contact or hanging out as often either. I used to just continue to text or reach out despite his unresponsiveness, and eventually, he would be responsive, and then it would be like a switch had flipped and he would start talking to me regularly and wanting to hang out. But it's as if I have to overlook his sporadic communication and just continue to communicate with him regardless, that he seems to finally come around and start communicating back just as frequently. Otherwise, he stays withdrawn.

    And it is that behavior that caused me to distance myself, or to act inconsistent because I did not know if he really had liked me. I had always thought if a man likes me, he'll frequently want to communicate, be responsive, and initiate. While he has initiated at times, and is responsive at times, he is unresponsive a lot of the time, and this gives me the feeling that he isn't interested. His behavior right now(the two days where he was unresponsive last week) is not anything new... I'm just tired of it. And I have talked about it with him and he has said that he does not like texting, that it bores him, and that when he's at work that it was he is focused on. But then he got a smirk and said, "But then I see like 9 messages from you and I know how you get... You think I'm playing games or ignoring you and I'm not. I don't respond to 98% of the messages I get".

    That was a month ago when he said that. But I still feel stupid, because I just feel like if he really liked me, wouldn't he at least respond sometimes to my messages, or at least want to talk? It's like some weeks, he'll be "hot" and really responsive to my texts and to me. And it will occur for a couple of weeks, until all of the sudden he is cold, like was a week and a half ago...

    Finally, I should have mentioned this, but back in August right after we were intimate and right after he had agreed to be my sex "Buddy", I had asked him if he we were still going to be "sex buddies". And he had responded, "Well they never work out right...So I don't think we should." And in my head I was like: "WTF, why did you agree to it, then change your mind so quickly?"

    i couldn't believe he had changed his mind. I asked him to elaborate what he meant, and he had said, "Well let me put it this way, I never date the girls I do FWBS with." And he just sort of looked at me, with a look that said, "If you want to date me, FWB would not be the way". So I said, "Ok..." And he went on to say that I could control the status of things, in terms of our relationship, if I wanted, all I needed to do was put conditions on things(like say we can't have sex unless we're in a relationship, etc). But that FWBS never end well, and someone always gets hurt, so he doesn't like them(which again, I felt like it shouldn't have been said BEFORE we had sex, since he knows that he is only the second guy I've second with, and the only one I slept with, without being in a relationship).

    And he then said that we should just hang out and see where it goes, instead of doing the FWB thing. He had said other things that night, but he was indirectly hinting or pushing at me(I got the feeling) to say that I wanted a relationship, but I could not, because I needed him to say it first, instead of beating around the bushes. Weeks later when I tried to just make it about sex, since I felt like he was being too vague, he got mad and gave me the silent treatment, and was only responsive when I told him my feelings were deeper than sex when it came to him. And that is when he asked me on a date. But up until that point, based on his vagueness I had no clue what he really wanted, or how to proceed, and that is what made me act so weird.

    ^^ and it's these things he does often. He is very cryptic or vague about what he really wants. He'll give hints every and now and then, but sort of leans back on me to take the initiative and do certain things. The only times where I have truly gotten direct answers from him, is when I've been confrontational(like I was two weeks ago when I told him to either tell me if he would like me to stop contacting him, or that I was going to stop regardless since he was ignoring me) and he had responded and told me "not to leave him alone". When backed in a corner, he will responded quickly and reveal how he feels, but if I give him too much "space" he won't, and it's always up to me, to bring things out of him, or to be confrontational.

    Finally, everytime we see each other, he needs a lot of validation--i.e. he will constantly try to get me to tell him how I feel, or get a reaction out of me, to see how I feel, but he on the other hand, never truly admits to how he feels, he only hints around it--so he too has never actually came out directly to my face and told me how he felt. It's sort of two way thing here. Which is partially another reason why I have behaved as I have. I'm very uncertain of his feelings, and at the moments where I've felt most uncertain, are the moments when I would later find that he had liked me a lot. It just makes no sense at all. And yet I still have deep *feels* for this person.

    I know he's got my email. But I believe he's calling my bluff--I don't think he believes it's genuine right now, but the longest we've ever went without communication, has been 9 days. I do believe that once a month passes by and he realizes that we have not spoken, that he'll connect the dots with the letter, and understand that I was being serious.

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by rayna View Post
    Thank you for the response. I know I've been emotional inconsistent, and unsure of what I wanted, and played far too many emotional games(unintentionally). I don't know if it's too late or not, but I am willing to try. Earlier back in May, when he had finally told me liked me, it was after weeks of sometimes ignoring my text messages(in other words what he is doing now). In other words, I would have NEVER known he still had feelings for me based on how infrequently he responded and how little we had seen each other. So I did not believe him. But then a week after, when we hung out, and he attempted to ask me out, in a casual manner, I thought that perhaps he did like me, but had been playing games. Now I know that he was just being an INTJ, but still his actions(not always being responsive to messages, not initiating much contact, etc) had led me to believe he did not like me in that way. He is doing the same thing now, and has done this periodically throughout the year, even during timeframes where he claims to have liked me, so it's too hard for me to tell if he still likes me now but is just being weird again about communication. I never know with him, which is why I've been trying hard not to assume he's completely over it and move on.

    He also really knows me well, so he KNOWS that I do a lot of talking and that I'm flakey, and has addressed this plenty of times, even during, after, and before he admitted to liking me. So I don't know if it's as much a dealbreaker as I believe it to be, since he already knows this about me(he literally did study me like a book and is very accurate whenever he describes my behavior). I think he knows how I feel, but also at the same time, is a bit uncertain the extent since he knows I've kept him at a distance--I had hoped that at the least the email would have let him know that, but now I know that it might have been blows of smoke in his eyes.

    Finally, I want to address something, he has been inconsistent as well. For instance, nothing in his behaviors up until the few occasions where he was very HOT acting(and very persistant) would have led me to believe he liked me at all, since he has always been unresponsive, beyond the times where he was very "hot" acting toward me, and did not often initiate contact or hanging out as often either. I used to just continue to text or reach out despite his unresponsiveness, and eventually, he would be responsive, and then it would be like a switch had flipped and he would start talking to me regularly and wanting to hang out. But it's as if I have to overlook his sporadic communication and just continue to communicate with him regardless, that he seems to finally come around and start communicating back just as frequently. Otherwise, he stays withdrawn.

    And it is that behavior that caused me to distance myself, or to act inconsistent because I did not know if he really had liked me. I had always thought if a man likes me, he'll frequently want to communicate, be responsive, and initiate. While he has initiated at times, and is responsive at times, he is unresponsive a lot of the time, and this gives me the feeling that he isn't interested. His behavior right now(the two days where he was unresponsive last week) is not anything new... I'm just tired of it. And I have talked about it with him and he has said that he does not like texting, that it bores him, and that when he's at work that it was he is focused on. But then he got a smirk and said, "But then I see like 9 messages from you and I know how you get... You think I'm playing games or ignoring you and I'm not. I don't respond to 98% of the messages I get".

    That was a month ago when he said that. But I still feel stupid, because I just feel like if he really liked me, wouldn't he at least respond sometimes to my messages, or at least want to talk? It's like some weeks, he'll be "hot" and really responsive to my texts and to me. And it will occur for a couple of weeks, until all of the sudden he is cold, like was a week and a half ago...

    Finally, I should have mentioned this, but back in August right after we were intimate and right after he had agreed to be my sex "Buddy", I had asked him if he we were still going to be "sex buddies". And he had responded, "Well they never work out right...So I don't think we should." And in my head I was like: "WTF, why did you agree to it, then change your mind so quickly?"

    i couldn't believe he had changed his mind. I asked him to elaborate what he meant, and he had said, "Well let me put it this way, I never date the girls I do FWBS with." And he just sort of looked at me, with a look that said, "If you want to date me, FWB would not be the way". So I said, "Ok..." And he went on to say that I could control the status of things, in terms of our relationship, if I wanted, all I needed to do was put conditions on things(like say we can't have sex unless we're in a relationship, etc). But that FWBS never end well, and someone always gets hurt, so he doesn't like them(which again, I felt like it shouldn't have been said BEFORE we had sex, since he knows that he is only the second guy I've second with, and the only one I slept with, without being in a relationship).

    And he then said that we should just hang out and see where it goes, instead of doing the FWB thing. He had said other things that night, but he was indirectly hinting or pushing at me(I got the feeling) to say that I wanted a relationship, but I could not, because I needed him to say it first, instead of beating around the bushes. Weeks later when I tried to just make it about sex, since I felt like he was being too vague, he got mad and gave me the silent treatment, and was only responsive when I told him my feelings were deeper than sex when it came to him. And that is when he asked me on a date. But up until that point, based on his vagueness I had no clue what he really wanted, or how to proceed, and that is what made me act so weird.

    ^^ and it's these things he does often. He is very cryptic or vague about what he really wants. He'll give hints every and now and then, but sort of leans back on me to take the initiative and do certain things. The only times where I have truly gotten direct answers from him, is when I've been confrontational(like I was two weeks ago when I told him to either tell me if he would like me to stop contacting him, or that I was going to stop regardless since he was ignoring me) and he had responded and told me "not to leave him alone". When backed in a corner, he will responded quickly and reveal how he feels, but if I give him too much "space" he won't, and it's always up to me, to bring things out of him, or to be confrontational.

    Finally, everytime we see each other, he needs a lot of validation--i.e. he will constantly try to get me to tell him how I feel, or get a reaction out of me, to see how I feel, but he on the other hand, never truly admits to how he feels, he only hints around it--so he too has never actually came out directly to my face and told me how he felt. It's sort of two way thing here. Which is partially another reason why I have behaved as I have. I'm very uncertain of his feelings, and at the moments where I've felt most uncertain, are the moments when I would later find that he had liked me a lot. It just makes no sense at all. And yet I still have deep *feels* for this person.

    I know he's got my email. But I believe he's calling my bluff--I don't think he believes it's genuine right now, but the longest we've ever went without communication, has been 9 days. I do believe that once a month passes by and he realizes that we have not spoken, that he'll connect the dots with the letter, and understand that I was being serious.
    I thought you were letting it go?
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.
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