[NT] Me and the (Semi-)Creepy Dude Connection

[ZiL]

Okay man, I don't know what it is, but I am a magnet for creepy dudes. And I'm ready to revolt.

It's partially my own fault I guess. I treat girls and guys the same when I first meet them - I blanket them with an even layer of friendliness (charm to disarm) - and then adapt according to their personalities as they unfold. Unfortnately, this blanket friendly approach manages to suck in those passive-aggressive, socially wonkered (nothing wrong with that in and of itself but imagine it in combination with the other traits), woman-pedestaling, covertly misogynistic types like the master vortex of hell. Like I said, I know it's partially my fault. If a person is nice to me when I first meet them, I'm more likely to try to get closer to them than I would be otherwise, so I shouldn't be surprised when my approach results in some reciprocation. But dude. Why is it that the only guys that reciprocate tend to fit this general profile?

The latest suspect was introduced to me through a friend who apparently is trying to hook us up (why why why why). Now, I tried to be very casual, hoping this set-up situation wasn't what it appeared to be. I talked mostly to my friend, because the dude was really quiet anyway, and I asked him a couple questions but they were very generalized, just for the sake of establishing some sort of rapport since it's sort of wierd just leaving someone out like that. As the hang-out session continued on, we wandered up to the library because my friend needed to get some books. As I helped her find her stuff (the decimal system is nutz!), I observed as the dude proceeded to take her bag from her and hold some books. Now, I mean, that's a nice thing to do, right? Heck, if he hadn't done it for her, I probably would have. But let's do a background check. My friend is married. When I found out that her and this dude hang out regularly, I asked if he had a crush on her. "Yes," indeed he did. Mmmkay. I hope this isn't one of those doormat things. Well, anyhow...

Walking towards our cars, we continued to talk (we being me and my friend). During brief periods of silence in between subjects, I saw my friend out of the corner of my eye nudging at this dude - surely provoking him to talk to me (or god forbid ask me out). Fortunately he didn't respond to her encouragement. She went her own way and me and the dude were left together.

Not wanting to be an asshole, I asked him where he was parked and we began walking. I asked him a bunch of general get-to-know-you questions since he obviously wasn't going to say much. I found out that he was an electrical engineering major, and he left school in the 7th grade because he was rully smart. Right before parting he says, "You know your friend was trying to set us up, right?" I was like, "Yeah, I sort of suspected it, but I'm the kind of person who needs to get to know a guy a bit before I get set up." He then continues to stand around, and then asks me if I was going to go swimming with him and my friend sometime (they do that regularly on campus). I thought, "Oh, great, you'd get to see me in a bikini, wouldn't you....do I have any giant shirts...?" Trying to move on, I said, "Yeah, I'm sure we'll see each other soon," and we left to our respective parking places. I wish I could properly convey the awkwardness.

ANYHOW, after past experiences I've had with other dudes, I'm extremely wary, as this kind of personality pattern is looking very familiar. Some might tell me, "give it a chance, don't judge." Last time I went against my gut feeling and took that advice, I almost got stuck with a suicidal emotional manipulator who, though he was a very intelligent guy, couldn't wait to get "intimate" with me after like two short meetups (/VOMIT). I mean he actually told me that. You might think it, but you never tell it.

...I have no problems simply getting to know the guy as I would anyone else, but I can't stand it when I think a guy may have "expectations." And if my friend's encouragement is the only reason he may be interested, I guess I need to go after my friend. Hopefully I'm just being paranoid. But after past instances, I think I have reason to be suspicious.


Ahhh...just wanted to put that into words.

 

[Firelie]

Oh, that's funny stuff. Sounds like most of the guys that are attracted to me. I've always thought smiling at people too much might be what is causing it, but your description makes it seem more certain....it's so hard to be the perfect amount of friendly without either giving people the wrong impression or coming off as a cold-hearted bitch. Bleh.

 

[Jeffster]

I say y'all embrace your cold-hearted bitchiness and go with it!

 

[cafe]

One of my friends once told me that guys like that are so used to women treating them like garbage that if you treat them like human beings they read stuff into it that you don't mean. I think she was right. Start out civil, but not warm and if they turn out to be okay, then be nice. Not that I've perfected this.

 

[Firelie]

One of my friends once told me that guys like that are so used to women treating them like garbage that if you treat them like human beings they read stuff into it that you don't mean. I think she was right.

There could be something to that.

 

[Synarch]

The power of the female is the veto. You must lead with this until the men know the score. This is why I am so glad I am not a female. I would much rather deal with considering when to make the move than waiting for some creep to make a move. Luckily, when women like you they are pretty good at making you think it was your idea all along.

 

[Tallulah]

I can very much relate, ZiL. I usually treat all strangers the same way, guy or girl, and it definitely gets me into trouble. If you figure it out, please let me know!

 

[Bella]

I think your friend is the problem this time. I would be insulted.

 

[ajblaise]

Maybe you can search for a possible way to turn down your charm, at least until you can decipher if the type of guy you are interacting with is the kind that will misinterpret it?

 

[Kasper]

Yup totally relate, I tend to treat everyone the same and that has been taken the wrong way on more than a few occasions. Trust your gut.

 

[Kollin]

One of my friends once told me that guys like that are so used to women treating them like garbage that if you treat them like human beings they read stuff into it that you don't mean. I think she was right. Start out civil, but not warm and if they turn out to be okay, then be nice. Not that I've perfected this.

this is soooo true...I've experienced this first hand...

guys like us need to trust that the social graces are genuine and not meant to be manipulative...which yeah,it takes some work to get past those defenses...

 

[runvardh]

I'm used to women just ignoring me, though I've been catching glimpses of stares these past few months while on the train. I don't want to read anything into it, but when it happens repeatedly from the same girl questions start. Then again, I'm making the assumption that I come across as creepy.

 

[Kollin]

know exactly what u mean...I do the same thing...

 

[G-Virus]

I just hope that I am not one of the creepy dudes you speak of.

To put a positive spin on things and to satisfy my curiousity; what are you attracted to in a guy then?

 

[Oberon]

And I'm ready to revolt.

So... are you revolting yet?

 

[ZiL]

Wow, look at all these responses. I thought this thread had vanished into the ether . To Oberon, no I haven't had to revolt yet, as I've managed to avoid getting into these situations for a few months at least. But the revolt. An unknown date in the near future. ;D

G-Virus, based off of what I've seen on this forum, I doubt you're one of the dudes I speak of. I get the impression that the responses I get from these guys is due to a lack of confidence, and I can't really blame them for that, if all they've ever had is bad luck from girls. For some reason they all find me though, and I am never sure how to react. When I feel uncomfortable, my habit is to start joking, and that probably sends the wrong message, lol.

Honestly, I'm not sure what kind of guy I'm attracted to. I can be attracted to a lot of things, as long as I feel a connection and that the guy has enough confidence to ensure that I won't become THE building block of their self-esteem (I get the impression with some that they'll take ANY girl as their girlfriend, just to make themselves feel better).

Humorously enough, I ran into another one of these dudes a few months ago at a sheesha cafe. My friends and I sat down, and shortly thereafter two guys came over to us, one of them who knew us from high school, and another who was a stranger. He was tall, had blond hair and glasses, and was pretty cute, but I could tell immediately from his body language that he was one of the DUDES. He honed in on me and started talking about...something. Not wanting to appear rude, I continued the conversation, but I didn't joke to much or flirt or anything. He ended up asking for my AIM, lol. But I rarely get on AIM anyway. Haven't talked to him since. Seriously though, I think I found out all I needed to know, and based off how eager he was acting, I think I only would have led him on by talking with him further.

Man, check out all the NT ladies in this thread who can relate, lol.

 

[ZiL]

I say y'all embrace your cold-hearted bitchiness and go with it!

Sometimes there is no alternative....some of 'em can be pretty damn persistent.