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  1. #1
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    Default Best way to approach "feeeeelings" talks with INTJs

    Say that someone needs to address particular emotions with an INTJ. It could be for any reason - the INTJ hurt someone's feelings, someone has feelings for the INTJ, whatever. Assuming that this really is something that needs to be discussed, what is the best way to approach this type of conversation with an INTJ?
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    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  2. #2
    More human than human MetalWounds's Avatar
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    Well...for starters, as straight forward as possible. Try not to create any ambiguity. If you're going to talk about how they hurt someone's feelings you should include as much detail as possible, be specific about actions. Be prepared to hear a justification as to why they did that but don't be swayed from your point, tell us what exactly we did wrong and how it affected that person.

    Maturity level is going to be a huge factor here, perhaps you could be a bit more specific?
    I'm doing science and I'm still alive

  3. #3
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    Nah, I'm really looking for generalities. But assume that the INTJ is of a moderate maturity level.
    INFJ

    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  4. #4
    Member Jughead's Avatar
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    I've had a couple of "feelings" talks with an INTJ friend of mine, they appreciate directness. This particular specimen wasn't used to "feelings" talks, but he handled them all pretty well. I think they like having time to think over it, and not have to think of an instantaneous response, so e-mails or letters could be better, but then again, that could just be a personal quirk. Logical explanations work better.

    Good luck!

  5. #5
    Senior Membrane spirilis's Avatar
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    On the other side of the table, *hearing* an INTJ talk about his feelings, I can say the one incident I'm recalling involved a lot of specifics. He was just blurting out a lot of little things his ex "tended to" do, and spoke it under the implication (could tell based on his voice) that I was supposed to understand how and why those things annoyed him.
    intp | type 9w1 sp/sx/so

  6. #6
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Before I became aware that I have a tendency to disregard peoples feelings, I would have been very defensive and argued the 'why' of what I did until hell froze over.

    As I've gotten better at recognizing that I DO have a tendency to hurt peoples feelings without knowing it, I feel extremely sorry when I do it and apologize profusely. For me, that would mean a shame faced, head hung, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, I didn't mean to." (That is profuse in my opinion... ) and then I move on.

    The problem would arise if I hurt their feelings by DISAGREEING with them about something. If they cannot handle that I have a different opinion from them and get their feelings hurt because I won't agree... we'll have problems, because it will simply start the discussion all over again as to why I believe I'm right. (Duh!) But... if I said something that attacked THEM rather than arguing my point, then I would feel bad and apologize.

    For me, any disagreement should stick to the facts at hand, and if I overstep the boundaries by making it personal, that is my bad... and extremely poor logic if I have to resort to insults to make my point. Before it got to that point I'd probably start quietly reconsidering my position for a few minutes before calling a halt to the disagreement without having to actually admit I was wrong "Ok, lets just agree to disagree" I might say... while I am secretly thinking "Shoot... what if I'm wrong? I need to ponder this..."


  7. #7
    Senior Member Ilah's Avatar
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    I think be as clear as possible. No hinting or implying. No making the person guess what your feelings are.

    If it is negative feelings, some clear "instructions" should be given. For example if there are specific things that hurt you feelings, make you angry, make you feel disrespected, etc. let the person know exactly what it is you don't like. Focus on specific actions you want the person to stop. Don't just say things like be more conciderate and expect them to figure out what specifically they are supposed to do.

    With positive feeling, you often need to ask directly. Say something like, "You mean a lot to me and I would like to know if you feel the same way about me." If you declare your feelings, it is not necessarily obvious to the INTJ that you expect them to respond by declare their feeling for you.

    Also, expressing feeling is difficult and the words sometimes come out wrong. So be patient and non critical when we try to express our feelings.

    Ilah

  8. #8
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    This topic depends entirely upon the maturity of said INTJ and I don’t really know what average maturity would be.

    If it's not good news it may be a conversation that meets with resistance and they may need to go away to properly digest what you've said, hopefully they are open enough to listen in the first place but that is an assumption I can’t make.

    Personally this is something I would be quite receptive to as long as the person was being respectful and wasn't attacking me. An emotional conversation is fine but objectivity with specific and clear details would work better particularly coming from those I’m not close to. I would also debate what was being said and probably do so without realising it so try not to create the opportunity to turn the conversation into an argument.

    I'm quite concerned with not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings unintentionally (not that I do it intentionally) so I'd be concerned and want to immediately 'fix' whatever you told me and may look too far in the future as to what can be done as opposed to simply apologise for anything I’d done wrong.

    Honestly INTJs have feelings and most (I believe) are concerned about the feelings of those around them and would not want to be the cause of some ones distress, we just don’t show ours often, so don’t expect an emotive response.

    If it's good news, simple, just tell it straight

  9. #9
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    1. Explicitly, calmly, presented in a logical way (x behaviour caused y feelings for z person).


    2. Wait a few days for Ni to reorganize self-perception.


    3. INTJ will approach you or you re-approach INTJ and have the real, in-depth conversation.


    My personal experience has been that, because I'm a reasonably mature person, when I've genuinely had an issue to sort through that was a repeated issue re: how I treat others, it was a blind spot for me. Telling me in depth why it was an issue is not going to filter through. As soon as you give the #1 instruction (see above) our brains instantly branch off into a tree of infinite implications of cause and effect (one dimension for past memories, one dimension for current interactions, one dimension for our future interactions i.e. if I keep this behaviour up, in a decade, this will affect my marriage/kids in ways A, B, C, D...) Then we have to reorganize the way we understood reality in past, present and future. Then we xxTxs have to sort through our feelings because we've hurt someone else's feelings, if we're mature enough.


    It's simply too much to give all at once. Let the Ni reorganize the brain then go for it.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  10. #10
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Maturity level is going to be a huge factor here
    Seconded.

    2. Wait a few days for Ni to reorganize self-perception.
    Seconded...allow the initial - often dismissive - reaction to ripen.

    It might help when the other person opens up first and takes up a vulnerable stance. I doubt the INTJ will take advantage of it, but it should help him opening up in turn. When you prod us about feelings a bit and are able to deal with the silences and the stammering and whatnot, you actually might get more out of us than you'd ever imagined.

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