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  1. #1
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    Default INTp & ESTp questions???

    Im involved with an INTp (male) i'm an ESTp (female). I sometimes think he has issues that he doesn't quite open up about completely, he hasnt talked about things in much detail...but he drinks a lot. He has told me about certain events in his life which have been extreemly tragic...but very matter of factly. I think they affect him deeply, and I really want to help him. I dont want to change him, but I want to shed some positivity in his life. I really care about this person. He has a tendancy of telling me how he feels about shit through music a lot.

  2. #2
    seor member colmena's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what to say, but I really like your attitude. He sounds lucky to have you.

    How long have been with him?

    You say he tries to communicate by referencing music. You've probably made good inferences about this already, and it's probably as simple as it sounds.

    If he doesn't hold much value in language, I'm not sure what you can do (assuming he's not so interested in the lyrics).

    Otherwise, he needs help with his insecurities in expressing himself and interpersonal skills. I don't know how to help, because I'm a bit rubbish, myself, on the fly.

    --
    Best advice:

    Join a band together. Communicate that way
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    Ti Ne Fi Ni

    -How beautiful, this pale Endymion hour.
    -What are you talking about?
    -Endymion, my dear. A beautiful youth possessed by the moon.
    -Well, forget about him and get to bed.
    -Yes, my dear.

  3. #3
    Junior Member LowEnd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ESTP View Post
    I sometimes think he has issues that he doesn't quite open up about completely, he hasnt talked about things in much detail
    Get used to it.
    His mind is no doubt a messy web of ifs, buts and maybes. Putting all that into a coherent format, I'd imagine, wouldn't be too easy for him. I've noticed about myself that unless the right questions are asked, I won't answer. For instance, if I've got a hundred things buzzing round my brain and someone asks "Whats up?", they'll get no more than glare and a sigh. How can a starting point be found in so much mess? Cut out the delicate approach and ask specific questions. Being an INTP means theres a good chance hes evaluated everything relevant already. So a specific question will already have a specific answer. Delivering a preexisting conclusion is much easier to him than wading through the acres of loose thought trying to fashion a 'useless' generalisation.

    All this is fiercely subjective, but who knows, it might help.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by colmena View Post

    How long have been with him?
    Well thats the thing...we're not together. I've only known him for 2 months, but it feels like 2 years or more. I feel like about 90% of the time we are on the same wavelenght.

    We had a discussion previously, about our "relationship" or lack there of. We started out as friends, who quickly within a week became friends with benefits. But he was really sweet, really behaving like there was more to it. We text from first thing in the morning, to last thing at night, if were not on msn, or together, were sleeping. Lol....its very interesting. But the conversation we had, was that he was confusing me with being very affectionate, and lovey-dovey. I didnt say it in those terms..but thats the basics. I asked him where he think this is going, because i didnt want to assume and then get hurt if i was wrong in the end. His explanation was that a month before he met me ...so three months all together, he had ended a 5 yr relationship and didnt want to jump into another one. He asked me what i wanted from him, i said didnt know and that i wanted to ask him the same. He said "i want nothing from you but friendship" and then i went on to tell him thats fine, and i was just looking for an answer so i could be sure, and then he INSITSTED that i asnwer the same question, and i said, no thats not what i want at this point....so in order to not get hurt i told him that we will no longer be sleeping with each other and not doing anything that friends dont do. We hardly talked for a about a week, and we were pretty indifferent towards each other, about a week ago, we started talking again like we did before, and the next day we were back to the way we use to talk. If anything, infact it was even better. Then, we slept together again and that night (sunday) i found him a little more withdrawn than usual, so im thinking this is his "annalyzing mode"...i dont know what to make of it, i think perhaps he is confused? I dont know anymore really.

  5. #5
    seor member colmena's Avatar
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    I'd be confused if you said you don't want to sleep together so that you don't get hurt, and then you sleep with him.

    --------
    *and breathe, and detach*
    --------

    The 'withdrawn' could be him worrying about your future together. i.e. he may be sympathetic that sleeping with you again has hurt you.

    I may have misread, but it sounds like he's somewhat taking advantage of your romantic desires.

    I do think there's a communication breakdown and personality clash, though. I would have a hard time dissociating your tactile, affectionate nature with sexual intimacy and inclination. To him, agreeing you're OK being friends and then being 'lovey-dovey' is likely read as mixed signals

    I would explain to him how much stronger you feel about making love than a cuddle, and the potential for emotional damage the former can cause when not backed up with a sincere romantic commitment.

    You may have to wait it out, but I suspect he will be willing to go back into another long-term relationship, given time.

    He should also respect you more and know that you're serious when you follow up on your ultimatum. So long as you've made it clear that it's for substantial emotional reasons rather than social expectation/immature game-playing (I'm not saying he does think it's for superficial reasons, but certainly don't give him the option to. And be sincere in your own intentions; if you find yourself playing hard-to-get, for sex, just leave him alone; he wont understand and will become paranoid/insecure).

    I don't think either of you are in the wrong, or that it couldn't work; there's just a lack of clarity and understanding. Natural desires and inclinations may have to be suppressed until you're both on the same page.
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    Ti Ne Fi Ni

    -How beautiful, this pale Endymion hour.
    -What are you talking about?
    -Endymion, my dear. A beautiful youth possessed by the moon.
    -Well, forget about him and get to bed.
    -Yes, my dear.

  6. #6
    now! in shell form INA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by colmena View Post
    I'd be confused if you said you don't want to sleep together so that you don't get hurt, and then you sleep with him.
    Seriously. He told you he wants nothing more than friendship. Let him sort out himself before you get dragged into the mess.

  7. #7
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    We have an intense mental/physpical attraction.
    The sex is amazing. It's very hard for us not to, honestly, there's a major physical attraction which is based on common intellect. We share a deep passion for photography, and other media like music and movies. We have very parallel interests where JUST about everything is concerned, and just about the same opinion on all topics.


    On a side note...
    I think he may have hit my PoLR.

  8. #8
    now! in shell form INA's Avatar
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    hoarding time and space
    A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.
    — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

  9. #9
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Being TP certainly creates that fun issue where you can plan out the best strategy and think you know what you want and don't want... then end up both of you going with the flow and responding to events in the moment.

    So it's understandable both of you impersonally might want different things, but when you get together, it's very easy for you to both to fly against your theoretical values and react to the situation instead.

    PoLR = Point of Least Resistance?
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #10
    seor member colmena's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ESTP View Post
    On a side note...
    I think he may have hit my PoLR.
    Hopefully someone with some experience of a similar situation will respond, but I think you'll just have to be responsible for your own behaviour and put up with the consequences. I don't think there's a magic answer that will solve this.
    http://badges.mypersonality.info/badge/0/6/68764.png
    Ti Ne Fi Ni

    -How beautiful, this pale Endymion hour.
    -What are you talking about?
    -Endymion, my dear. A beautiful youth possessed by the moon.
    -Well, forget about him and get to bed.
    -Yes, my dear.

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