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  1. #21
    shadow boxer strawberries's Avatar
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    you're very kind to be supportive despite the relationship ending.

    he's going to have to find it in himself to pull himself out of it. if he's as resilient as you say the ennui will lift.

  2. #22
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by johnnyyukon View Post
    That is really solid advice, bro.
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  3. #23
    Senior Member tinkerbell's Avatar
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    Couple of tought...


    lack of work and income isnt great for anyone. Once thats sorted a bit he may feel better.

    Take him away somewhere. Not expensive but a day trip ona train or a bus to see something very different. He needs to fall back in love with posdibilities.

    ultimately when something changes he will snap out of it.

  4. #24
    Senior Member statuesquechica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by digesthisickness View Post
    What makes you think he resents it? What does he say, do, etc. that makes you think this?
    Thanks for this question because it really makes me examine if my interpretation of his actions are correct. And I have definitely been off the mark in the past, lol.

    As mentioned before, he has unknown/unverified medical diagnosis that may/may not need to be addressed. I panicked and started looking for any and all resources to get some medical services (with no insurance, not an easy task) but when I would bring him ideas (or even paperwork to enroll) he would postpone, or put me off every time I asked. He would act interested, then tell me it wasn't my worry. Which is like stabbing me in my heart because I am connected to him, no matter our relationship status. This totally freaked me out because I can literally feel time ticking by, and it caused a great deal of frustration/anger between us.

    He eventually told me he wasn't going to get treatment which I can understand, ultimately it is his decision. My mom died from cancer when I was young and I know the treatment was hell for her to go through so I can respect his decision, but it still hurts like hell. And it is still unknown if he does/doesn't need it. There is a tremendous amount of uncertainty and unanswered question that is driving me nuts, while I think it provides him some sense of comfort...he is ok with that.

    I know my Fe has to be kept in check because I can care so deeply, it has no bounds, but I have to respect his wishes. My work as civil rights advocate has shown me the necessity to trust people in finding their own path and solution but it is so damn hard when it is someone I love.

    All of the other comments on here from ENTPs have pointed to him being his own catalyst, and I would definitely agree with that. And I take all of the helpful comments to heart. It is all very much appreciated and means a great deal to me; it shows a path for me to take.
    I've looked at life from both sides now
    From up and down and still somehow
    It's life's illusions I recall
    I really don't know life at all

    Joni Mitchell

  5. #25
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    i am an INFJ male that dated an ENFP woman for almost a year. Her mojo has flaws, i knew what she valued in a relationship was not as deep as i wanted it to be. A serious issue she tried to ignore for the sake of saving the relationship. So i agree with u sometimes it is best to be friends. She has to find herself and who she is (identity). She would def try to find happiness in men too much, as if she relied on men to be satisfied. I have seen growth in her as she has been single and i believe it has helped her but she is in love with me still (which makes me think she has a ways to go)

    Your ex bf def needs some time to get that mojo back and be himself. He might need a total reality check. I wouldnt hang around him because it would make him gravitate towards u again. INFJs can get over relationships but ENFPs have a harder time. He was probably hurt by the relationship and doesnt know how to handle the break up and singleness (my ex has done some pretty stupid things since we broke up making her look immature but she has apologized).

    He is still hurt by the break up and might be trying to spark things by just talking to u when u go out. He thinks about u constantly, believe me. You will know he has his mojo back when he truly gets over u. Dont mess with his feelings and i recommend not living with eachother because u are constantly giving him hope to make it work.

  6. #26
    ✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿ digesthisickness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by statuesquechica View Post
    Thanks for this question because it really makes me examine if my interpretation of his actions are correct. And I have definitely been off the mark in the past, lol.

    As mentioned before, he has unknown/unverified medical diagnosis that may/may not need to be addressed. I panicked and started looking for any and all resources to get some medical services (with no insurance, not an easy task) but when I would bring him ideas (or even paperwork to enroll) he would postpone, or put me off every time I asked. He would act interested, then tell me it wasn't my worry. Which is like stabbing me in my heart because I am connected to him, no matter our relationship status. This totally freaked me out because I can literally feel time ticking by, and it caused a great deal of frustration/anger between us.

    He eventually told me he wasn't going to get treatment which I can understand, ultimately it is his decision. My mom died from cancer when I was young and I know the treatment was hell for her to go through so I can respect his decision, but it still hurts like hell. And it is still unknown if he does/doesn't need it. There is a tremendous amount of uncertainty and unanswered question that is driving me nuts, while I think it provides him some sense of comfort...he is ok with that.

    I know my Fe has to be kept in check because I can care so deeply, it has no bounds, but I have to respect his wishes. My work as civil rights advocate has shown me the necessity to trust people in finding their own path and solution but it is so damn hard when it is someone I love.

    All of the other comments on here from ENTPs have pointed to him being his own catalyst, and I would definitely agree with that. And I take all of the helpful comments to heart. It is all very much appreciated and means a great deal to me; it shows a path for me to take.
    Sounds like he tried to drop the issue by saying it wasn't your worry. Or, more accurately, tried to get you to drop it. Then when that didn't work, he eventually came out and said he's not interested in getting help right now.

    If it's any comfort, he's probably the same with other things too. His thinking is probably similar when it comes to other problems and solving them. Meaning that he'll deal with his life the way it is until he can't anymore, THEN he'll make a change.

    I'm pretty confident that it's a mixture of appreciating you and how much you care and being annoyed with your "nagging". ENTPs are very autonomous and we don't like being pressured into anything. From doing dishes to seeking emergency treatment for a tractor accident. From my own perspective as a huge ENTP, at least a part of the reason I wouldn't go for help at someone else's urging is because I'd dread the possibility that I may hear them, even ONCE, say outright or imply that they get credit for it.

    Even if you have wonderful intentions, it's possible to recognize that on the surface, but still resent the idea that any positive change is due to someone else's intervention. And, that thought would be even more grating if we thought they'd even think it was due to them and not us.

    It's possible, as odd as it sounds, that if you back off for a few months, and never speak of it again so his line of thought can reboot, he'll do it himself. If this is a part of it, he has to feel you've given up, so it's clear that getting help is his own decision. And, also, that line of thought reboot will open up his N so that he can see the positives of help ON HIS OWN.

    We're weird sometimes.
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  7. #27
    Senior Member statuesquechica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinkerbell View Post
    Couple of tought...


    lack of work and income isnt great for anyone. Once thats sorted a bit he may feel better.

    Take him away somewhere. Not expensive but a day trip ona train or a bus to see something very different. He needs to fall back in love with posdibilities.
    ultimately when something changes he will snap out of it.
    I love how you put this...so succinct and true.

    I do see where changing his environment will be a catalyst for him to start generating possibilities. I also think by just being receptive and not taking control of the problem he can feel safe to bounce ideas off of me, which is what he is starting to do.

    Question: When he brings up ideas and upon further reflection I see barriers or limits (lack of funds/resources, etc.) do I bring them up, or do I just listen and let him continue to brainstorm? These limits/barriers do exist in reality (believe me, I have gone around and around to reduce them or eliminate them but they do exist) but I don't want to interrupt his process.

    Truly, with his dominant functions he is able to accomplish things I wouldn't be able, (and I am in awe of that) so my perception of some barriers may be completely off...
    I've looked at life from both sides now
    From up and down and still somehow
    It's life's illusions I recall
    I really don't know life at all

    Joni Mitchell

  8. #28
    Male johnnyyukon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinkerbell View Post
    Couple of tought...


    lack of work and income isnt great for anyone. Once thats sorted a bit he may feel better.

    Take him away somewhere. Not expensive but a day trip ona train or a bus to see something very different. He needs to fall back in love with posdibilities.

    ultimately when something changes he will snap out of it.
    I must agree, whether it's by you or not, a fresh new perspective (maybe the beach? i like beaches) can be magic happy pills for an ENTP.
    I've had this ice cream bar, since I was a child!

    Each thought's completely warped
    I'm like a walkin', talkin', ouija board.

  9. #29
    Senior Member statuesquechica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by digesthisickness View Post
    Sounds like he tried to drop the issue by saying it wasn't your worry. Or, more accurately, tried to get you to drop it. Then when that didn't work, he eventually came out and said he's not interested in getting help right now.

    If it's any comfort, he's probably the same with other things too. His thinking is probably similar when it comes to other problems and solving them. Meaning that he'll deal with his life the way it is until he can't anymore, THEN he'll make a change.

    I'm pretty confident that it's a mixture of appreciating you and how much you care and being annoyed with your "nagging". ENTPs are very autonomous and we don't like being pressured into anything. From doing dishes to seeking emergency treatment for a tractor accident. From my own perspective as a huge ENTP, at least a part of the reason I wouldn't go for help at someone else's urging is because I'd dread the possibility that I may hear them, even ONCE, say outright or imply that they get credit for it.

    Even if you have wonderful intentions, it's possible to recognize that on the surface, but still resent the idea that any positive change is due to someone else's intervention. And, that thought would be even more grating if we thought they'd even think it was due to them and not us.

    It's possible, as odd as it sounds, that if you back off for a few months, and never speak of it again so his line of thought can reboot, he'll do it himself. If this is a part of it, he has to feel you've given up, so it's clear that getting help is his own decision. And, also, that line of thought reboot will open up his N so that he can see the positives of help ON HIS OWN.
    We're weird sometimes.
    Thanks for this...I was guilty about "nagging" about getting treatment but I know I had to deal with my own fears/anxiety about my mom's death so that I wouldn't impose them on his medical diagnosis which may/may not be as bad. The thing is I can understand his position, completely, but my emotions were really overwhelming at the time. He was talking about facing his own mortality and I just wanted to "fix" it and protect him from any pain...which isn't possible, I know. I really don't care about getting any credit, I just wanted to be there for him.

    I had to laugh about "seeking emergency treatment for a tractor accident" and not being pressured into it...you have no idea how close that is to the truth.

    So, your comments have been such a gift to me (not to sound too cheesy, lol) at a really difficult time because I see the wisdom in what you say. Letting go is the kindest thing I can do, which I am doing. I hadn't brought up any discussion about getting treatment for a while now and last night he said he wasn't going to, and I said that I completely understood his decision. And I do, and I can find some peace in that and still be there for him, no matter his path.
    I've looked at life from both sides now
    From up and down and still somehow
    It's life's illusions I recall
    I really don't know life at all

    Joni Mitchell

  10. #30
    Senior Member statuesquechica's Avatar
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    ^
    How funny! He brought up returning to the Oregon coast when we talked last night... the beach is a magical happy pill.
    I've looked at life from both sides now
    From up and down and still somehow
    It's life's illusions I recall
    I really don't know life at all

    Joni Mitchell

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