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  1. #1
    Senior Member autumnandtherain's Avatar
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    Default INTJs and relationship pace

    I know that INTJs typically don't move very fast in relationships... But are there "stages" of a new relationship for them? And how fast do you (INTJs) typically take in getting into a new relationship?

    I've known this INTJ for over a year now, and we were just friends for quite a while. I started being interested in him about five months in. After about 11 months is when I think he started to actually "notice" me as more than a friend. He lives a little far from me, but we started video calling each other a couple times a week, and that continued until last month, when we started talking a lot more and he started coming to visit me at least once a week and we've gone on a few dates. He made it very clear that he's interested in me, but that we are not a couple right now... He says he wants to know more about me before he makes that decision, so he's been asking me a lot of questions about myself, but seems very interested in what I have to say, and remembers everything.

    Just curious about the time he's investing into this relationship, but his being hesitant to call us a couple. I have a feeling he's being sincere, but I was wondering if all INTJs go through this stage of "I like you but I must know everything about you before entering a serious relationship with you" type of thing.

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    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    I think he is being sincere and honest. I also think we look at relationships and the decision to pursue them exactly as we would approach any other decision. Gather as much information as possible and go from there.
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    failed poetry slam career chubber's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by autumnandtherain View Post
    Just curious about the time he's investing into this relationship, but his being hesitant to call us a couple. I have a feeling he's being sincere, but I was wondering if all INTJs go through this stage of "I like you but I must know everything about you before entering a serious relationship with you" type of thing.
    Yes, at least for me. I want to know everything, from multiple angles. No surprises after that.

  4. #4
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Mine took a year. Once he did decide though, there was no if,but or wait. Logistally, he picked the worst timing and i even offered to wait till that period was over but he wouldnt hear it. Once they are ready, things start moving very quickly and there is no turning back. As hesitant and practical as they were before, thats how decisive and unphased they get by any practical issue once the target has been identified and vetted. The switch was kind of disorienting and sudden, in a good way, as i remember it.
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  5. #5
    Senior Member BlackDog's Avatar
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    This is kind of strange, reading this. I approach this topic exactly like that guy, but I thought it was mainly only me who did. Apparently it is broader, and applies to most INTJs?

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    I can kind of relate to the way he's going at it.

    I won't really shy away when it comes to beginning a relationship if I've really taken a liking to a particular girl, but I also prefer to make it clear that it's not serious. What I mean by that, is that I keep my investment low until I feel more confident in the relationship, and I encourage her to do the same; it's almost more a trial relationship. If this isn't an option, then I'd tend to prefer to observe and learn about her before I'd make any emotional investment.

    If he's investing time and effort into you, that's a very good sign. For me anyways, escalation of investment is a big sign that says, "I'm really into you." Most INTJs wouldn't invest in anything that they werent confident would pay off; that means at minimum, he probably sees a lot of potential in you.

  7. #7
    WhoCares
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    Personally I wouldnt bother with any guy as painful as this. Find someone willing to risk his precious heart without needing to know your every motivation and family tree before proceeding. Its a relationship not a binding contract or job interview. I would have lost interest the instant he said he didn't want to call us a couple...yet. Do you enjoy being interviewed for a position?

  8. #8
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhoCares View Post
    Personally I wouldnt bother with any guy as painful as this. Find someone willing to risk his precious heart without needing to know your every motivation and family tree before proceeding. Its a relationship not a binding contract or job interview. I would have lost interest the instant he said he didn't want to call us a couple...yet. Do you enjoy being interviewed for a position?
    I would seriously question someone who gave me a job - or embarked with me on a serious relationship - without careful consideration and thought. I actually find interviews rather useful. They give me the opportunity to check out the "employer" as the employer is checking out me.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  9. #9
    Senior Member autumnandtherain's Avatar
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    It's really interesting and comforting to me to see that this kind of thing seems to apply to most INTJs. Thanks for the input everyone!

    Quote Originally Posted by WhoCares View Post
    Personally I wouldnt bother with any guy as painful as this. Find someone willing to risk his precious heart without needing to know your every motivation and family tree before proceeding. Its a relationship not a binding contract or job interview. I would have lost interest the instant he said he didn't want to call us a couple...yet. Do you enjoy being interviewed for a position?

    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    I would seriously question someone who gave me a job - or embarked with me on a serious relationship - without careful consideration and thought. I actually find interviews rather useful. They give me the opportunity to check out the "employer" as the employer is checking out me.
    I see where you're coming from, Who Cares, and at first I was sort of thinking that way as well... But I think Coriolis has a good point as well. The two of us have discussed a lot about what we want from a relationship, and neither of us is interested in a fling or a casual sort of dating relationship. So if we're going to do this, it's going to be a serious relationship. And the more I think about it, I think he just really wants to be sure that the two of us are on the same page on everything, and that we're not just jumping into this simply because we are both attracted to each other... I don't think he's making me wait just to wait, so that's why I'm still "bothering" with this guy, so to speak. And I'm not the only one risking my heart, either. I've been learning quite a lot about him over the past few weeks as well.

  10. #10
    The Typing Tabby grey_beard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by autumnandtherain View Post
    I know that INTJs typically don't move very fast in relationships... But are there "stages" of a new relationship for them? And how fast do you (INTJs) typically take in getting into a new relationship?

    I've known this INTJ for over a year now, and we were just friends for quite a while. I started being interested in him about five months in. After about 11 months is when I think he started to actually "notice" me as more than a friend. He lives a little far from me, but we started video calling each other a couple times a week, and that continued until last month, when we started talking a lot more and he started coming to visit me at least once a week and we've gone on a few dates. He made it very clear that he's interested in me, but that we are not a couple right now... He says he wants to know more about me before he makes that decision, so he's been asking me a lot of questions about myself, but seems very interested in what I have to say, and remembers everything.

    Just curious about the time he's investing into this relationship, but his being hesitant to call us a couple. I have a feeling he's being sincere, but I was wondering if all INTJs go through this stage of "I like you but I must know everything about you before entering a serious relationship with you" type of thing.
    Given the pace of the relationship, I hope this two-weeks-later answer isn't amiss.
    You should feel *flattered*. Most INTJs who are interested in someone do all of the research-intensively-until-you-know-the-target-better-than-the-NSA stuff, *before* much substantive contact.
    If he is letting you *see* his investigating you, either he is *tremendously* interested, or feels unusually secure around you. And those are both very good signs.
    If he pulls back suddenly, either he needs time to recharge, or he is mulling it over prior to deciding, or he may have run into something...problematic. A potential deal-breaker.
    If he does that, and you ask him, he'll likely tell you which it is: unless he is leaning towards "Abort mission!" in which case he will attempt to deflect the question.
    "Love never needs time. But friendship always needs time. More and more and more time, up to long past midnight." -- The Crime of Captain Gahagan

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