[NT] Embarrassed by Displays of Emotion?

[SillySapienne]

Well embarrassing actions and statements seem to frequently accompany embarrassing displays of emotion.

When people say fucked up, stupid shit, I kind of feel embarrassed for them, especially when they do so in an audience consisting of people who are cognizant of the fact that they are saying fucked up, stupid shit.

I feel embarrassed by one's apparent ignorance and, or blatant stupidity, more so than I would ever feel about one's "inappropriate" display of emotion.

 

[Orangey]

When people say fucked up, stupid shit, I kind of feel embarrassed for them, especially when they do so in an audience consisting of people who are cognizant of the fact that they are saying fucked up, stupid shit.

I feel embarrassed by one's apparent ignorance and or blatant stupidity, more so than I would ever feel about one's "inappropriate" display of emotion.

Yeah, but when someone is all bent out of shape about something, they are more likely to say some fucked up stupid shit . It's not a requirement though, you're right, but I would definitely be more annoyed than embarrassed by a person just saying stupid things without an emotional reaction. Then there would be no excuse for them.

 

[SillySapienne]

Yeah, but when someone is all bent out of shape about something, they are more likely to say some fucked up stupid shit .

This is absolutely true. And this is why we know, regarding human beings in general, that while in a heated argument, sometimes we happen to say stupid and hurtful things that we shouldn't have. This is probably due to the fact that people become defensive and reactionary when all riled up in a heated dispute.

I have always been quite good at keeping my cool during heated debate, lol, true story, and have rarely put myself in a position of needing to feel regretful or guilty for either having falsely accused someone of something they hadn't done or said, or for having reduced myself to berating the person I happened to have been arguing with.

I have, however, been on the receiving end of some pretty mean and low flings during an argument, but because I understand that this is a common tendency, or "side-effect" of emotionally heated, human exchange, I have been relatively forgiving of these slip-ups.

The point, however, is this, one can still be angry while keeping their intellectual cool, and one can also be emotionally detached while being an unintelligent fool. I admire the former trait in people and absolutely disdain the latter.

I view emotions as unconscious human reactions/instincts. One can't control how they feel, though one can control how they behave. I view emotional responses to be authentic, and sincere displays of one's self/character.

I dunno, I just totally lost my train of thought.

 

[Orangey]

The point, however, is this, one can still be angry while keeping their intellectual cool, and one can also be emotionally detached while being an unintelligent fool. I admire the former trait in people and absolutely disdain the latter.

This is a pretty detestable trait in general.

 

[CzeCze]

I view emotional responses to be authentic, and sincere displays of one's self/character.

Spoken like a true ENFP.

I just wanted to chime in that most of the responses so far have not just been NT, but INTX. And except for CaptainC, respondants all introverted.

Since this is a cross-type forum, just wanted to point out the obvious disclaimer that it's good to have other POVs to shake things up.

I can understand why an NT and especially INT would be suspicious, bewildered, or even look down on an emotional response. Because it's not how you naturally re/act and you're honestly at a loss for how to respond.

But I think regardless of type, your comfort level with other's emotional displays is directly and proportionally related to your comfort level with your own emotions.

So if you feel out of touch, uncomfortable, disdainful, etc. of your own emotions or displays thereof, of course this is reflected in what you think of other people's emotions and emotional displays.

And I know this was not the intent of some posters and I'm not trying to start some F/T 'black or white' diatribe (before it's been done before) but it does alarm me when I see a lot of INTX jump on the 'people who cry are weak/ emotional displays are manipulation! / superior people should be able to deal with things completely detached and without emotion etc.

Particularly b/c real life doesn't work like that and the more discomfort you have with emotions, the more discomfort you and rough patches you are going to have in your relationships and lives in general. Human beings are throughly emotional and irrational but they are also comfortingly predictable that way. There's method to the madness!

And since forums (including this) have a large concentration of INTXs --- yeah, just trying to give some other flava.

Emotional displays are reminders of that wild human unknown factor, the 'sea inside'. It reminds you that you can 'know' people and never know them. That's why you have protocols in business and school, basically any large gathering place of people to separate their 'real selves' from their roles.

And so yeah, if I saw a person in a leadership role with social standing -- say a principal of a school get psycho angry and curse at another teacher or student, yeah I'd be embarassed for them. But more for the loss of face and 'failure' on their part to uphold their role. It's not because of the emotional display itself per sae.

Anyhow, sharing a bit of your humanity in the form of emotions DOES place an expectation on other people. What that expectation is depends largely on the perception of the one observing and yeah, you may be annoyed by feeling a burden has been placed on you. Especially if you feel the emotional display implies or necessitates a moment of intimacy that you do NOT want to share with the other person.

Anywhoo, I'm similar to CaptainC. Emotional displays in themselves don't embarass me.

Grief makes me uncomfortable, but only because I'm not sure what my role is supposed to be and what the boundaries should be.

 

[SillySapienne]

But I think regardless of type, your comfort level with other's emotional displays is directly and proportionally related to your comfort level with your own emotions..

QFTizzle!!!

 

[Thursday]

As long as its genuine, I love it when someone is raw and wears their heart-on-their-sleeve

 

[Orangey]

Anyhow, sharing a bit of your humanity in the form of emotions DOES place an expectation on other people. What that expectation is depends largely on the perception of the one observing and yeah, you may be annoyed by feeling a burden has been placed on you. Especially if you feel the emotional display implies or necessitates a moment of intimacy that you do NOT want to share with the other person.

I absolutely feel imposed upon in situations that demand any sort of emotional intimacy in public (and often in private). I once made the mistake of taking an elective course on gender and media studies (prof was recommended by a friend), and it turned out to be my perfect idea of a nightmare. We had to sit in a big circle and basically listen to and share personal stories, and on one particular occasion, the topic of the day was about "how we felt about society's perception of our bodies". Needless to say, I had to endure some very personal stories (with all the attendant nodding, tearing up, and hugging/reassuring that this entails), and the level of emotional intimacy that it forced upon me was oppressive. I left class early that day out of pure irritation. Unfortunately it was too late to drop the class and I just had to learn to deal with it for the rest of the semester. It would have been helpful if, like you and CaptainChick, I could properly deal with people's emotional displays.

Let it be noted that this was the first and last gender studies course that I would ever take (not that they're all that way, but I wasn't about to take any chances).

 

[01011010]

Well I find that these sorts of things are in general distracting, especially if you are in a class situation where you have nothing else to occupy yourself.

In this scenario, I'd be annoyed because it's an inappropriate environment to hash out emotions. I carry a book and psp everywhere though. If I really want to detach, I don't have a problem doing so. In fact, if people are downright arguing, I'm highly likely to do so.

 

[01011010]

I once made the mistake of taking an elective course on gender and media studies (prof was recommended by a friend), and it turned out to be my perfect idea of a nightmare. We had to sit in a big circle and basically listen to and share personal stories, and on one particular occasion, the topic of the day was about "how we felt about society's perception of our bodies". Needless to say, I had to endure some very personal stories (with all the attendant nodding, tearing up, and hugging/reassuring that this entails), and the level of emotional intimacy that it forced upon me was oppressive.

Oh dear. That's a train wreck. I would've walked out too.

 

[cafe]

I'm going to sort of pull ideas from what dissonance and CzeCze have said here and combine/play with them.

As an introvert, I consider the inner workings of my psyche, whether they be thoughts or feelings, my personal, mostly private, property. Going around with them all hanging out would be something like the equivalent of walking into a department store buck naked and maybe disemboweled. So when someone else is hanging out all over like that, I feel a kind of empathic embarrassment. I think I'm fairly comfortable with my emotions, but they are my emotions and not for public/general consumption the majority of the time.

Human beings are hardwired as social animals to have at least a minimal level of empathy and when someone goes around emoting all over the place, they impose on the emotional state of those around them. Some people are more okay with both sides of the equation than others. I, like heart, don't mind so much when it's someone close to me, because the relationship merits that level of disclosure and investment of emotional energy.

OTOH, I'm probably not going to get very close to someone who is constantly exploding emotions everywhere because it is too much of an intrusion on my own inner calm. In order to not have my own equilibrium upended, I have to mentally block that person and you can't have a very close relationship with someone you've empathically blocked.

 

[strawberryfields]

Hmm interesting topic. I don't think I am embarrassed by displays of emotion in others. People quite frequently display quite intense emotion in front of me and I'm pretty much always comfortable with it. Perhaps I might feel embarrassed if I knew that the person themselves felt embarrassed or subsequently would, but that would be through empathy rather than me thinking the display of emotion was inherently embarrassing. I think release of emotions can be beneficial and cathartic, so I probably see emotional displays as a positive thing if they are a release of pent up feelings. Whereas I am comfortable with the feelings of others, I probably have a tendency to feel a bit embarrassed when I personally display emotions. I appreciate that's a bit of hypocrisy on my part though, and have been told that more than once

I agree with a lot of what CzeCze said. I wonder if perhaps some of the reason the NT feels uncomfortable with emotional displays is a lack of comfort with their own emotions, which they project into other situations. NT's are often fairly used to being competent and proficient at things, yet when they encounter emotions, a lot of NT's I know feel paralysed. I was hurt recently by an NT who basically didn't respond to something I'd said when I was upset, and I presumed that he just didn't care. Then another piece of his behaviour demonstrated he definitely must care, and I challenged him on it, and he apologised and said that he'd not known what to say. That NT helplessness sometimes seems to be characterised by a belief that they somehow have to solve the situation, whereas actually when people display emotions often they just one someone to listen and sympathise. [Disclaimer - incase that sounds overly patronising, NT's are probably who I feel most comfortable speaking to when upset, so I am not saying you're all rubbish at dealing with displays of emotion!]

 

[MacGuffin]

I am pretty sure this topic has come up before, but as I am lazy and the forum search tool gives me the same results when I type in "shit" as when I type in "emotion", I think it is safe for me to go ahead and post this.

Are you embarrassed by open displays of emotion?

Yes, esp. in public.

I remember once there were these women I was supervising at work and they started hugging and crying over something. I was so disturbed that they were going to involve me I went out for coffee.

I don't drink coffee.

 

[Orangey]

In this scenario, I'd be annoyed because it's an inappropriate environment to hash out emotions. I carry a book and psp everywhere though. If I really want to detach, I don't have a problem doing so. In fact, if people are downright arguing, I'm highly likely to do so.

That's a good idea.

Oh dear. That's a train wreck. I would've walked out too.

Oh it was certainly a train wreck. I was actually pretty angry afterwards because I felt like the class was a huge waste of time that I couldn't escape. Who structures an academic class that way? Whatever pedagogical style it was that they were going for wasn't working for me at all.

I, like heart, don't mind so much when it's someone close to me, because the relationship merits that level of disclosure and investment of emotional energy.

Yes, having to deal with emotional outpourings is unavoidable in intimate relationships. I still try to avoid it if I can, though, at least for my part.

I agree with a lot of what CzeCze said. I wonder if perhaps some of the reason the NT feels uncomfortable with emotional displays is a lack of comfort with their own emotions, which they project into other situations. NT's are often fairly used to being competent and proficient at things, yet when they encounter emotions, a lot of NT's I know feel paralysed. I was hurt recently by an NT who basically didn't respond to something I'd said when I was upset, and I presumed that he just didn't care. Then another piece of his behaviour demonstrated he definitely must care, and I challenged him on it, and he apologised and said that he'd not known what to say. That NT helplessness sometimes seems to be characterised by a belief that they somehow have to solve the situation, whereas actually when people display emotions often they just one someone to listen and sympathise. [Disclaimer - incase that sounds overly patronising, NT's are probably who I feel most comfortable speaking to when upset, so I am not saying you're all rubbish at dealing with displays of emotion!]

I have offended people this way in the past. I'm not sure, however, that this is only an NT thing. I think it's safer to generalize to most introverts.

Yes, esp. in public.

I remember once there were these women I was supervising at work and they started hugging and crying over something. I was so disturbed that they were going to involve me I went out for coffee.

I don't drink coffee.

LOL. I would've left too.

 

[strawberryfields]

I have offended people this way in the past. I'm not sure, however, that this is only an NT thing. I think it's safer to generalize to most introverts.

Hmm I'd have to disagree. The person I was referring to is a polar extrovert. Perhaps it's universal to most T's, not just NT's, but I would suspect ST's might attempt to say something whereas NT's would be liable to say nothing if they felt they had nothing helpful to offer. NT's are perhaps most reserved in externally expressing emotion too, so even if they did empathise with someone they might not show it visibly, which could be read as indifference too. I don't think there's much differentiation between introverts and extroverts I know in their ability to comfortably handle the emotions of others. In fact if anything, I think the introverts I know are maybe better at it, in general.

 

[Orangey]

Hmm I'd have to disagree. The person I was referring to is a polar extrovert. Perhaps it's universal to most T's, not just NT's, but I would suspect ST's might attempt to say something whereas NT's would be liable to say nothing if they felt they had nothing helpful to offer. NT's are perhaps most reserved in externally expressing emotion too, so even if they did empathise with someone they might not show it visibly, which could be read as indifference too. I don't think there's much differentiation between introverts and extroverts I know in their ability to comfortably handle the emotions of others. In fact if anything, I think the introverts I know are maybe better at it, in general.

You may be right. I was trying to account for all the NF's who expressed having had similar feelings towards the emotional displays of others as I.

 

[01011010]

That's a good idea.

It works. Even if your really not reading or playing the psp, looking as if you are keeps people away.

 

[Salomé]

Interesting thread. Especially CzeCze's comments. I think she is right, it is the 'burden of expectation' that creates the problem for NTs.
This is why we need ENFPs: to explain us to us!

I am conflicted on this topic.
On the one hand, I admire people who can be open and honest about how they feel, because I am a bit of a coward in such matters and I recognize it as a failing on my part. I also find enthusiasm and passion in others appealing.

On the other, it can really creep me out and disgust me - if it goes too far. I'm not sure where that invisible dividing line is, at what point it stops being charming and starts being mawkish and barf-inducing. Or whether this is a subconscious reaction to perceived disingenuousness? I can usually handle anger/aggression better than soppy/teary. Perhaps I just see hostile emotions as being more sincere.....because I am so in touch with my own hostility....

I can't be around people given to emotional displays for very long, I find it draining. But equally being around people who are too cool and detached can be frustrating and demotivating.

Basically, I think I'm trying to say being around people mostly sucks.

 

[Amargith]

I find this a very interesting thread, as I never understood why people were so against emotion in public. Very enlightening.

I'm sure it's no surprise that I'm with Cze Cze and CC on this one.

I was also wondering if this is also linked to intimate subject matter. I have no problem talking about personal stuff in order to share experiences and get different perspectives, but I know plenty of people who consider that taboo or private.

edit: I do feel uncomfortable when it is me displaying an emotion I know others are awkward with and I cannot stop.

 

[Salomé]

^ yes. NTs are basically all just 11yr-old boys at heart.