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  1. #1
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    Default Trouble Understanding this NT Lady

    I guess I had this in the wrong subforum.

    So, there is this ENTP 3w4 lady.

    From December 2012-February 2013, we talked all the time via FB message and text messaging.

    Beginning of February 2013, I went to her dorm room (I graduated), we almost have sex, but I feel like a one night stand, and I think she likes someone else. She was naked on top of me, I refused sex, we still cuddle, I spend the night.

    Three days later, I go abroad for a 4 months. She messages me the instant I get on FB abroad. Things happen, after about a month abroad, she messages me telling me she doesn't want a relationship with me, not to read into it, it was a blunt declaration, we weren't compatible. I disagree. There is a STRONG connection when she and I are together. I'd leave a room, come back, and pretty much say what she said when I left the room. It is eerie.

    We don't talk for 5 months.

    I come back home, go and visit friends at my college towards the end of August. See, her, she's drunk, I approach her, she acts like a bitch to me. Next day, she sends me an apology message. We start talking again.

    I want to hang out, she says no, but after talking for a bit, she wants to hang out. I was going to take her to a haunted house, but a day before, she gets a concussion. She insist I go visit her.

    We talk, have a pretty decent time, but no real sexual flare. She brought up some sexual jokes, but I didnt' really read into it. We reschedule the haunted house.

    Last Tuesday, we planned for me to go to her room, go for a drive, and I teach her some yoga (she has a bad back). I get there, we go for the drive, she refuses the yoga because her best friend "heard male voices." She's obnoxiously private about her life. During the drive, she calls me "friend," "bro," and doesn't take well to my physical advances (she didn't appreciate nor back down when I did the previous time we hung out). We talk about the night in February, she basically tells me I read too much into it, and she apologizes for "using me." She also claims to have attachment issues and can't do relationships (she continuously tells me that even her best friends at school piss her off and she doesn't plan on keeping contact with anyone after her graduation. This was in response to me telling her she's the only one I like talking to).

    I continuously try to push this "you and I are very similar" card (it is true, she doesn't see it).

    She has been rejected from this INFJ guy she has been friends with for years, and I think she's rather frustrated about it, but is trying to get over it.

    We were supposed to go to the haunted house (again, just me and her) yesterday, but I messaged her telling her I wasn't taking her because I couldn't possibly ever see her as "just friends," and if she ever wanted to hang out in a context of a date (and told her informal dates, but dates nonetheless, are preferable) to contact me. We decide to have a strictly intellectual relationship. She responded to this proposal with "aww, that is the most genuine, nicest thing anyone has ever told me. I completely understand, don't worry, I'll leave you alone."

    Last night, she messages me at about 1:30AM telling me how she doesn't think it's possible for an ENTP to be happy at her school (I'm assuming she was drunk). At 1PM I messaged her back asking "and why is that?" She looked at my question, didn't respond.

    She tells me she doesn't trust anybody, but always tells me her feelings, and then corrects herself saying "hmmm.....I wonder why I always go to you with my feelings? Sorry, I'm being so self-centered."

    My best friend (who doesn't know her) thinks she either subconsciously or unconsciously likes me. I don't know what to do. I am not readily accessible to her (which could be a good thing), but I strongly think that there is something here. She knows that I like her, so I acted correctly there.

    She is knowledgeable about MBTI. She tossed around different types for me in the past (called me ENTJ, ESTJ, ISTJ, and ESFJ), but in the car ride, I sort of opened up to her a little bit, and she admitted that I was an INJ (I know myself to be an INxJ, most probably an INFJ). My Enneagram is 3w2.

    Today we went back and forth talking in very large passages. Mostly about her night. She told me she got very drunk, cried, blacked out, and that's when she messaged me. She then told me she didn't want to talk about it anymore after a while because she felt like she was coming off as "self-centered" and "whiny" and it made her uncomfortable. I basically told her I love listening to her talk, and I like the mental images her Ne brings to me (she told me she's completely unaware that she jumps from topic to topic so quickly in conversation. I told her I liked that). She didn't respond to that.

    At this point, I'm just going to see when she starts the next conversation.

    What is my move with this girl?

  2. #2
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    I don't see this working out well for you. She's not into you. Sorry.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  3. #3
    ✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿ digesthisickness's Avatar
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    I'd need to know how long it's been since she was into the other guy and it ended. If she's still thinking of someone else, it could mean you have to give her a bit of time. Sounds like she's keeping a barrier up for some reason. Could be lack of romantic interest in you or a lingering interest in another.
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  4. #4
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Either way, she isn't treating him very well... I think he should expect more from a potential partner.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  5. #5
    ✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿ digesthisickness's Avatar
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    I'll just go on the assumption that he knows what he wants and try to help him understand her point of view.
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  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by digesthisickness View Post
    I'll just go on the assumption that he knows what he wants and try to help him understand her point of view.
    This "other guy" is an INFJ, and I think (perhaps because she is an NT type) she chased him BECAUSE she knows her type is compatible with the INFJ, and he is in the same major as her. Also, they studied abroad together a couple of years ago. A friend of mine (who is also, ironically, an INFJ) told me that he's in an on and off relationship with another woman.

    The girl told me she got "rejected" about 2 months ago, and she got EXTREMELY emotional (crying, hating life, etc.) This guy REALLY got her bad. Now she tells me that she's doing mindful exercises and has recognized she needs to move on from this guy. I think, in the past, she may have found an ESTJ to "get under" to help her forget (I think she may have done this with me for another guy in the past), but she's matured past that.

    She also identifies with the Fearful-Avoidant Attachment. She wants emotional closeness in a romantic relationship, but she's also uncomfortable in a relationship. That's why she told me "relationships aren't for her." Her studying of attachment types was due to this guy. I don't know where the correlation is, but it's, apparently there.

    I don't really care that she has this issue. I am willing to help her around it. I REALLY REALLY REALLY like her. Maybe I'm in love. I don't know. I fear that she may have intellectualized love so much that she really DOES like me, but she has all the symptoms and won't diagnose it as "well damn....I do like this guy."

    She has brought this INFJ guy up to me several times. NEVER in a context of "I like him" but always in the context of "I liked him." They still hang out. I told her "look, I'm not into giving advice to a girl I like about other guys, but you are frustrated and confused, and that bothers me. He doesn't know what he's missing out on. You're a wonderful girl. Forget him. He's obviously blind and stupid. Save yourself from emotional anguish."

    She didn't respond directly to this, but we spoke a couple of days later. I know, as an ENTP with attachment issues, I can't be too "mushy-gushy," but I HAVE told her "I know you are an ENTP, so I'm just going to go against all my own rules and be 100% straightforward with you." She really appreciated this.

  7. #7
    ✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿ digesthisickness's Avatar
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    Oh, yeah. Keeping in mind this is just how it appears to me (but I can relate to what she's doing), sounds like:

    She's still into him and she's only sharing with you a fraction of what's really going on emotionally. Confused, hurt, rejected, analyzing, the works. This stuff has to play itself out. Sorry, but it could be a while. Then logic will win the day and she won't ever talk about him again because he won't even come to mind. Unless as an object in some conversation.
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by digesthisickness View Post
    Oh, yeah. Keeping in mind this is just how it appears to me (but I can relate to what she's doing), sounds like:

    She's still into him and she's only sharing with you a fraction of what's really going on emotionally. Confused, hurt, rejected, analyzing, the works. This stuff has to play itself out. Sorry, but it could be a while. Then logic will win the day and she won't ever talk about him again because he won't even come to mind. Unless as an object in some conversation.
    So, in other words, I should go look at other women....

  9. #9
    ✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿ digesthisickness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by idkman24 View Post
    So, in other words, I should go look at other women....
    It seems like the wisest thing to do right now. Nothing saying you can't keep in touch in a distant way though, so that you'll know if she's open to dating again (seriously) and can dive in before some other guy does if you still want her.
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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by digesthisickness View Post
    It seems like the wisest thing to do right now. Nothing saying you can't keep in touch in a distant way though, so that you'll know if she's open to dating again (seriously) and can dive in before some other guy does if you still want her.
    Yeah, you're right.

    I mean, she knows my intentions. I told her I liked her, so it's not a matter of uncertainty.

    If she does end up with another guy, I think that's the signal for me to drop her completely.

    I've dated quite a few girls before. I don't think she's seriously dated anyone (except when she was 19, she dated a German INTJ guy in her study abroad -- she still puts a lot of weight into this saying he's "the only guy that understood her." She was 19. I think she was just a young girl looking for love on a study abroad).

    Anyway, I didn't actually date this girl, but I never felt more compatible to a girl in terms of similar values, world views, morals, and ambitions. We even like similar things. To me, it just makes sense, but she doesn't see it. Once I described to her what I want out of a relationship, and she replied "you just described my perfect relationship."

    The idealist in me would love for her to come around, but, perhaps it's because she's only 21, I don't think that's going to happen. She constantly has many guys crushing on her (typical of an ENTP). I think she'll always have a sense of "I can do better," but I honestly think there isn't a guy better for her than I am.

    Ah well. There's this ESFP girl who has been trying to hang out with me for quite some time now. Maybe I should give her a call...

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