Hello everyone,
Firstly, I posted this on another INTP forum and got great advice, just seeking further feedback.
I have quite a long story that I *NEED* to share and it seems the feedback and advice given on this forum is quite considered.
I am in love with an INTP. But the story is long and very complicated.
Firstly we are both male. I am bisexual and realised this in my teenage years. I am 25 and an ENFP. I am currently teaching English in Cambodia in a small rural town. My 'friend' we shall call him 'Rob' is also 25 and from the UK. He is an INTP and for all outward appearances both of us are straight.
We met 6 months ago. At first I didnt really understand him. I found him cold, distant and hard to get to know. It was like the exposure of time created new depth to the friendship. As it was just the two of us to begin with in this small town who spoke english I felt the need to establish some form of connection. We both work together, live together and in that moment of starting out in a foreign land very much needed each other for a social life too.
I asked him one day to take the personality test. He did - INTP. Once I read into the type I became less irratated at his 'coldness' and actually paid attention to him in a way that made him respond. I discussed ideas, theories, I discovered we had the same eccentric sense of humour and we both shared an indulgence for alcohol. Within a week we were on solid ground. We laughed alot. We spoke alot about all sorts of topics - a magnetic connection had been formed.
He told me I was an interesting person. He stared at me all the time. This is what triggered my initial crush. Anytime I would turn around in the office he would be starting at me in an almost child-like admiration manner. At times it led me to think if his body was doing one thing and his mind another. He would put his arm around me, pull me close when we were out socialising and stare deeply into my eyes but never ever even acknowledged that we were even friends. It was like an unspoken agreement. I called him my best friend as the months set in - nothing. Gave him compliments - nothing returned however anytime I said something nice to him such as his incredible intelligence and hilarious humour his eyes would glaze over in deepness. There is far too many moments to mention but we shared a bed, cuddled, watched movies, went for walks, enjoyed each others talking (me) and silences (him). It was a bond ive never felt with anyone before and I felt it so intensly and so strongly. I cannot express in words.
Eventually he began to open up to me. He told me about his childhood. His friends. He told me I made him realise who he was. That he didnt want to be so cold. He said he loved me and that he has never told anyone all of these details about himself before. He trusted me. At this point others who had become friends with us began to suspect we were actually together based on the staring, the closeness etc.
He has never had a girlfriend and expresses no interest in girls. The one last taboo which we never discussed was sex. Whenever the group discussed girls, sex etc. he went to the toilet. He avoided these conversations all the time. Alot of his mannerisms are very camp and me being me I began to suspect he may be gay. Wishful thinking? Possibly but it didnt make sense.
So I told him I had feelings for him. He stayed silent. He said nothing. I said I would give him time and leave him be. I did. We continued on where we left off, the same closeness the same affection the same as before. Except with this elephant in the room which I felt I at least deserved an explanation for.
One night we both got extremely drunk and I lost my head. I argued with him about it and wanted to know he didn't reject me outright. He said he wasnt gay but that he wasnt attracted to women cant have sex and doesnt feel any erection whilst having sex. He then told me he is suicidal, hates himself and his life and wishes he was dead.
Needless to say I was taken aback. I spent four days discussing this with him, trying to help him. He listened alot and gave me a hug and told me he appreciated me.
So on it rolls... back to being friends I was aware not to push him too hard, to allow him to open up whenever he felt the need. I would just keep things calm and steady and told him whenever he needed me I would be there to offer advice and support.
Term ended. We were suppossed to go our seperate ways and although that wpuld have broken my heart he wouldnt commit to a holiay together even though we were both going to the same place (he is notoriously independant). I decided to leave and on the day I left he knocked on my door with his bags packed...I guess we're going together then...
We had an amazing holiday, we travelled all over Cambodia. On the holiday we shared a bed, he stared at me so intensly that it took me aback. He is obsessed with music and told me once that what he plays in music is what he feels he cant say. Love songs, love songs love songs....songs so relevant to our situation it was almost terrifying. Was I going mad? Imagining this?
Long story short we were drinking one night on the holiday and a common friend we met up with was encouraging me to go out, I was tired "but it's robs last night"....
...........
He was leaving the next day to go somewhere else without me and never even told me.
I felt shocked. Heartbroken in fact.
I invested alot in this person and he couldn't even tell me he was leaving?
I confronted him and told him how I felt, we argued quite passionately and I walked away and booked another room wishing him all the best.
Next morning he knocked on my door crying. I have never seen him cry before like that know it must have been difficult given how little emotions he expresses. He told me he respected me. I forgave him and later that night he left. He hugged me and said he might meet me again in the capital before he flies back to the UK (He was always going to go home at some point) however he hasnt even booked his flight and we are talking about three days....
My question is this:
Why did he just up and leave and not care? Is this an INTP detached thing?
Why did he stare at me so much all that time if I was just a friend?
Should I write him a letter explaining how I feel?
I am absolutely heartbroken. I feel I have not even communicated the intensity of this relationship properly because I am so down and out typing is hard to do. I know in my heart he is gay. I know this. He has no interest in women and always checks out men. He is quite child-like and obvious in his expressions when he does them so it isnt hard to see but why the denial? isnt it a very UN-INTP thing not to seek the truth??
Should I just leave it be and move on?
I'd like to add a few things about him to help:
-He said he's manic depressive since 16
-He said he feels nothing, no happiness or sadness for anything in life
-He says he hates how cold he is
-He loves music and food
-He has few friends
-He has no relationship with his family
-He is suicidal
Obviously I have conflicting emotions. As his friend I am worried. As someone who is in love with him I am hurt...so I am really unsure what action to take here???
Many thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and reply. My life is a mess right now because of this
Firstly, I posted this on another INTP forum and got great advice, just seeking further feedback.
I have quite a long story that I *NEED* to share and it seems the feedback and advice given on this forum is quite considered.
I am in love with an INTP. But the story is long and very complicated.
Firstly we are both male. I am bisexual and realised this in my teenage years. I am 25 and an ENFP. I am currently teaching English in Cambodia in a small rural town. My 'friend' we shall call him 'Rob' is also 25 and from the UK. He is an INTP and for all outward appearances both of us are straight.
We met 6 months ago. At first I didnt really understand him. I found him cold, distant and hard to get to know. It was like the exposure of time created new depth to the friendship. As it was just the two of us to begin with in this small town who spoke english I felt the need to establish some form of connection. We both work together, live together and in that moment of starting out in a foreign land very much needed each other for a social life too.
I asked him one day to take the personality test. He did - INTP. Once I read into the type I became less irratated at his 'coldness' and actually paid attention to him in a way that made him respond. I discussed ideas, theories, I discovered we had the same eccentric sense of humour and we both shared an indulgence for alcohol. Within a week we were on solid ground. We laughed alot. We spoke alot about all sorts of topics - a magnetic connection had been formed.
He told me I was an interesting person. He stared at me all the time. This is what triggered my initial crush. Anytime I would turn around in the office he would be starting at me in an almost child-like admiration manner. At times it led me to think if his body was doing one thing and his mind another. He would put his arm around me, pull me close when we were out socialising and stare deeply into my eyes but never ever even acknowledged that we were even friends. It was like an unspoken agreement. I called him my best friend as the months set in - nothing. Gave him compliments - nothing returned however anytime I said something nice to him such as his incredible intelligence and hilarious humour his eyes would glaze over in deepness. There is far too many moments to mention but we shared a bed, cuddled, watched movies, went for walks, enjoyed each others talking (me) and silences (him). It was a bond ive never felt with anyone before and I felt it so intensly and so strongly. I cannot express in words.
Eventually he began to open up to me. He told me about his childhood. His friends. He told me I made him realise who he was. That he didnt want to be so cold. He said he loved me and that he has never told anyone all of these details about himself before. He trusted me. At this point others who had become friends with us began to suspect we were actually together based on the staring, the closeness etc.
He has never had a girlfriend and expresses no interest in girls. The one last taboo which we never discussed was sex. Whenever the group discussed girls, sex etc. he went to the toilet. He avoided these conversations all the time. Alot of his mannerisms are very camp and me being me I began to suspect he may be gay. Wishful thinking? Possibly but it didnt make sense.
So I told him I had feelings for him. He stayed silent. He said nothing. I said I would give him time and leave him be. I did. We continued on where we left off, the same closeness the same affection the same as before. Except with this elephant in the room which I felt I at least deserved an explanation for.
One night we both got extremely drunk and I lost my head. I argued with him about it and wanted to know he didn't reject me outright. He said he wasnt gay but that he wasnt attracted to women cant have sex and doesnt feel any erection whilst having sex. He then told me he is suicidal, hates himself and his life and wishes he was dead.
Needless to say I was taken aback. I spent four days discussing this with him, trying to help him. He listened alot and gave me a hug and told me he appreciated me.
So on it rolls... back to being friends I was aware not to push him too hard, to allow him to open up whenever he felt the need. I would just keep things calm and steady and told him whenever he needed me I would be there to offer advice and support.
Term ended. We were suppossed to go our seperate ways and although that wpuld have broken my heart he wouldnt commit to a holiay together even though we were both going to the same place (he is notoriously independant). I decided to leave and on the day I left he knocked on my door with his bags packed...I guess we're going together then...
We had an amazing holiday, we travelled all over Cambodia. On the holiday we shared a bed, he stared at me so intensly that it took me aback. He is obsessed with music and told me once that what he plays in music is what he feels he cant say. Love songs, love songs love songs....songs so relevant to our situation it was almost terrifying. Was I going mad? Imagining this?
Long story short we were drinking one night on the holiday and a common friend we met up with was encouraging me to go out, I was tired "but it's robs last night"....
...........
He was leaving the next day to go somewhere else without me and never even told me.
I felt shocked. Heartbroken in fact.
I invested alot in this person and he couldn't even tell me he was leaving?
I confronted him and told him how I felt, we argued quite passionately and I walked away and booked another room wishing him all the best.
Next morning he knocked on my door crying. I have never seen him cry before like that know it must have been difficult given how little emotions he expresses. He told me he respected me. I forgave him and later that night he left. He hugged me and said he might meet me again in the capital before he flies back to the UK (He was always going to go home at some point) however he hasnt even booked his flight and we are talking about three days....
My question is this:
Why did he just up and leave and not care? Is this an INTP detached thing?
Why did he stare at me so much all that time if I was just a friend?
Should I write him a letter explaining how I feel?
I am absolutely heartbroken. I feel I have not even communicated the intensity of this relationship properly because I am so down and out typing is hard to do. I know in my heart he is gay. I know this. He has no interest in women and always checks out men. He is quite child-like and obvious in his expressions when he does them so it isnt hard to see but why the denial? isnt it a very UN-INTP thing not to seek the truth??
Should I just leave it be and move on?
I'd like to add a few things about him to help:
-He said he's manic depressive since 16
-He said he feels nothing, no happiness or sadness for anything in life
-He says he hates how cold he is
-He loves music and food
-He has few friends
-He has no relationship with his family
-He is suicidal
Obviously I have conflicting emotions. As his friend I am worried. As someone who is in love with him I am hurt...so I am really unsure what action to take here???
Many thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and reply. My life is a mess right now because of this
