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Thread: In love with an INTP friend

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array
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    Oct 2013

    Default In love with an INTP friend

    Hello everyone,

    Firstly, I posted this on another INTP forum and got great advice, just seeking further feedback.

    I have quite a long story that I *NEED* to share and it seems the feedback and advice given on this forum is quite considered.

    I am in love with an INTP. But the story is long and very complicated.

    Firstly we are both male. I am bisexual and realised this in my teenage years. I am 25 and an ENFP. I am currently teaching English in Cambodia in a small rural town. My 'friend' we shall call him 'Rob' is also 25 and from the UK. He is an INTP and for all outward appearances both of us are straight.

    We met 6 months ago. At first I didnt really understand him. I found him cold, distant and hard to get to know. It was like the exposure of time created new depth to the friendship. As it was just the two of us to begin with in this small town who spoke english I felt the need to establish some form of connection. We both work together, live together and in that moment of starting out in a foreign land very much needed each other for a social life too.

    I asked him one day to take the personality test. He did - INTP. Once I read into the type I became less irratated at his 'coldness' and actually paid attention to him in a way that made him respond. I discussed ideas, theories, I discovered we had the same eccentric sense of humour and we both shared an indulgence for alcohol. Within a week we were on solid ground. We laughed alot. We spoke alot about all sorts of topics - a magnetic connection had been formed.

    He told me I was an interesting person. He stared at me all the time. This is what triggered my initial crush. Anytime I would turn around in the office he would be starting at me in an almost child-like admiration manner. At times it led me to think if his body was doing one thing and his mind another. He would put his arm around me, pull me close when we were out socialising and stare deeply into my eyes but never ever even acknowledged that we were even friends. It was like an unspoken agreement. I called him my best friend as the months set in - nothing. Gave him compliments - nothing returned however anytime I said something nice to him such as his incredible intelligence and hilarious humour his eyes would glaze over in deepness. There is far too many moments to mention but we shared a bed, cuddled, watched movies, went for walks, enjoyed each others talking (me) and silences (him). It was a bond ive never felt with anyone before and I felt it so intensly and so strongly. I cannot express in words.

    Eventually he began to open up to me. He told me about his childhood. His friends. He told me I made him realise who he was. That he didnt want to be so cold. He said he loved me and that he has never told anyone all of these details about himself before. He trusted me. At this point others who had become friends with us began to suspect we were actually together based on the staring, the closeness etc.

    He has never had a girlfriend and expresses no interest in girls. The one last taboo which we never discussed was sex. Whenever the group discussed girls, sex etc. he went to the toilet. He avoided these conversations all the time. Alot of his mannerisms are very camp and me being me I began to suspect he may be gay. Wishful thinking? Possibly but it didnt make sense.

    So I told him I had feelings for him. He stayed silent. He said nothing. I said I would give him time and leave him be. I did. We continued on where we left off, the same closeness the same affection the same as before. Except with this elephant in the room which I felt I at least deserved an explanation for.

    One night we both got extremely drunk and I lost my head. I argued with him about it and wanted to know he didn't reject me outright. He said he wasnt gay but that he wasnt attracted to women cant have sex and doesnt feel any erection whilst having sex. He then told me he is suicidal, hates himself and his life and wishes he was dead.

    Needless to say I was taken aback. I spent four days discussing this with him, trying to help him. He listened alot and gave me a hug and told me he appreciated me.

    So on it rolls... back to being friends I was aware not to push him too hard, to allow him to open up whenever he felt the need. I would just keep things calm and steady and told him whenever he needed me I would be there to offer advice and support.

    Term ended. We were suppossed to go our seperate ways and although that wpuld have broken my heart he wouldnt commit to a holiay together even though we were both going to the same place (he is notoriously independant). I decided to leave and on the day I left he knocked on my door with his bags packed...I guess we're going together then...

    We had an amazing holiday, we travelled all over Cambodia. On the holiday we shared a bed, he stared at me so intensly that it took me aback. He is obsessed with music and told me once that what he plays in music is what he feels he cant say. Love songs, love songs love songs....songs so relevant to our situation it was almost terrifying. Was I going mad? Imagining this?

    Long story short we were drinking one night on the holiday and a common friend we met up with was encouraging me to go out, I was tired "but it's robs last night"....


    He was leaving the next day to go somewhere else without me and never even told me.

    I felt shocked. Heartbroken in fact.
    I invested alot in this person and he couldn't even tell me he was leaving?

    I confronted him and told him how I felt, we argued quite passionately and I walked away and booked another room wishing him all the best.

    Next morning he knocked on my door crying. I have never seen him cry before like that know it must have been difficult given how little emotions he expresses. He told me he respected me. I forgave him and later that night he left. He hugged me and said he might meet me again in the capital before he flies back to the UK (He was always going to go home at some point) however he hasnt even booked his flight and we are talking about three days....

    My question is this:

    Why did he just up and leave and not care? Is this an INTP detached thing?
    Why did he stare at me so much all that time if I was just a friend?
    Should I write him a letter explaining how I feel?

    I am absolutely heartbroken. I feel I have not even communicated the intensity of this relationship properly because I am so down and out typing is hard to do. I know in my heart he is gay. I know this. He has no interest in women and always checks out men. He is quite child-like and obvious in his expressions when he does them so it isnt hard to see but why the denial? isnt it a very UN-INTP thing not to seek the truth??

    Should I just leave it be and move on?

    I'd like to add a few things about him to help:
    -He said he's manic depressive since 16
    -He said he feels nothing, no happiness or sadness for anything in life
    -He says he hates how cold he is
    -He loves music and food
    -He has few friends
    -He has no relationship with his family
    -He is suicidal

    Obviously I have conflicting emotions. As his friend I am worried. As someone who is in love with him I am I am really unsure what action to take here???

    Many thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and reply. My life is a mess right now because of this

  2. #2
    ISFJophile Array zelo1954's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    4w5 sp


    Your INTP has no idea how he feels about you, nor has any idea of his own sexuality. He's trying to work it out logically which is the exact opposite of your own way. Remember that his inferior function is Fe (extroverted feeling). Small wonder that Ti is coming to the fore. I think you are a potentially good match. You're both flexible types who can talk at an intellectual level. You can drag him out of his shell and he can make sense of all the ideas that are floating around.

    I think you have to leave him to his own devices and let him work things out in his own way. Just BE there but not in his face. He needs time & space. Whilst that puts a lot of strain on you, you can at least console yourself with the knowledge that you are the best chance he has for sorting himself out.

    There is however one thing I will tell you about myself. When I was very much younger (17ish) I moved schools [to a single-sex (male) school]. Where I'd been I had virtually no friends. I suddenly started making a few at the new school and I noted my feelings towards one or two of them were very different from those one would normally associate with just friends. I was pretty certain I was not bisexual - and that's been confirmed in my later life. But this INTP has found someone with whom he can finally communicate. It's entirely possible he's going through with you what I went through all those years ago.

    You aren't going to get quick answers to all this. My feeling however is don't scare him off. Let him work out things via his own Ti/Ne. Above all, make sure that he knows he won't be judged, browbeaten, smothered. Maybe what I'm really saying is try to establish friends first and then see what happens?
    Cognitive functions:
    Fi (95%); Ti (90%); Ne (75%); Fe (60%); Ni (50%); Si (50%); Te (15%); Se (5%)

    "INFP values but INTP skills" describes me best of all

  3. #3
    So tired... Array Amargith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    4dw sx/so
    IEx None


    It'll be a while before he is datable. You clearly had an immense impact on his life, on his views on life and that must be wildly disorienting in a good way to him. He has a *lot* to sort through.

    It is up to you whether or not you invest more of yourself in this. Only you know if you can emotionally handle being just his friend and actually gaining satisfaction from such a relationship with him. Coz that's what he needs, right now. A friend. Someone to tell him to go and address those suicidal tendencies in counselling, someone to show him that he is in fact very much worth the space he takes up in this world. What he needs is a cheerleader and a confidante - something we ENFPs are utterly suitable to.

    But the question isn't what he needs. It is what *you* need.

    This guy will be a mess for the foreseeable future. As much as he might be a diamond in the rough, chances are it'll take a serious long term investment with no guarantees as to how it will pan out, romantically. He has project written all over him, and he won't be renovated for at the very least a year, and that is being extremely optimistic.

    He is not in a position to give you what you need in a relationship right now. Know this, as you make your decision.

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