User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 45

  1. #1
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Enneagram
    9w8
    Posts
    3,545

    Default INTJ friend going through a personal crisis

    My INTJ friend tells me he is leaving his wife. He tells me that she likes to sleep with other guys and shows no signs of changing and that he just can't deal with that anymore. He says that every time he thinks she is seriously going to change, she does it again. I know it is a tough decision he is making. I know that he didn't want to leave her because he kept giving her chance after chance. So, I think this constitutes a bit of a personal crisis in his life. So, INTJs what would you expect from your friends during such a time? What can I do to be supportive? I know the age old answer is just listen, but beyond that...any suggestions from INTJs on this forum?
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

  2. #2
    failed poetry slam career chubber's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    5w4 sp/sx
    Socionics
    ILI Te
    Posts
    4,221

    Default

    set him up on dates. I would have liked it, since I am INTJ and left my wife. Get someone to help clean his place. Make sure he eats, take him to places where he enjoys eating. Listen to his dreams of what he wants to achieve.

  3. #3
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    Enfp
    Enneagram
    497 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEE Fi
    Posts
    14,656

    Default

    Tell him he is doing the right thing. That, as much as he clearly loves/loved her, he needs to think of himself right now. And that she is undeserving of him atm. Then give him time to grieve. He probably won't show much of it, as they tend to internalize this stuff. Taking him out to do stuff, and engaging that baby SFP inside them is not a bad idea, nor is being there to just listen, without any attempt to fix the situation or invalidate what he shares, even if it is...filled with anger, resentment and unreasonable judgement.

    The biggest issue he faces for the future, imho, is the lack of trust. He needs to see that there are women out there who are in fact worthy of his affections, who can love him for who he is and who won't be that callous with his heart. So be an example of that, even if you re just his platonic friend. And help him in the future in identifying an acceptable risk wrt mates. It is my experience that INTJs who have been burned -truly burned and have gone all out, as he has, in giving their heart to someone who stomped on it - tend to doubt their ability to ever pick the right mate, and they often end up cynical, demanding certainty which no mate can live up to and often decide in the end that it is no longer worth it, which means they lock their heart away an become the very person that hurt them in the first place, to protect themselves.

    If you can at all show him that it is absolutely worth it to not lock his heart away, you'll be doing him a great service.
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  4. #4
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Enneagram
    9w8
    Posts
    3,545

    Default

    @chubber & @ Thank you both so very much. You have given me some great insight and advice and I plan on referring back to it as he goes through this thing. He's been asking me about how to "cook" things lately and I gave him a microwave; this weekend he talked to me about a job he was considering. I told him that I didn't think he woudl be happy in that job and he said he didn't think he would be either so he told them to find another guy.


    Maybe I will give him some things for his barren apartment. He is giving me a wooden dummy. I could call it a swap.

    set him up on dates. I would have liked it, since I am INTJ and left my wife.
    I'm glad you told me this. Thank you.

    Get someone to help clean his place. Make sure he eats, take him to places where he enjoys eating. Listen to his dreams of what he wants to achieve.
    These are all such practical and wonderful suggestions. He likes to try new foods so I can use that as a spring board to making sure he's eating.

    Tell him he is doing the right thing.
    Thank you. It's funny but that's the "feeling" I got from him on the phone the other day. It was like he just wanted someone to say, "You're doing the right thing." So, I will make sure that he knows I think that he's making the right call and doing the right thing.

    That, as much as he clearly loves/loved her, he needs to think of himself right now. And that she is undeserving of him atm. Then give him time to grieve. He probably won't show much of it, as they tend to internalize this stuff. Taking him out to do stuff, and engaging that baby SFP inside them is not a bad idea, nor is being there to just listen, without any attempt to fix the situation or invalidate what he shares, even if it is...filled with anger, resentment and unreasonable judgement.
    Thank you. I will do all of those things!

    The biggest issue he faces for the future, imho, is the lack of trust.
    I had wondered about this.

    He needs to see that there are women out there who are in fact worthy of his affections, who can love him for who he is and who won't be that callous with his heart. So be an example of that, even if you re just his platonic friend
    .

    I will be. And I think it is good for him that I am a platonic friend.

    Wow, thank you. I will just be real with him.

    you can at all show him that it is absolutely worth it to not lock his heart away, you'll be doing him a great service.
    I will try very hard to do this. He is my mentor and has been nothing but kind to me and I want to be nothing less for him.
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

  5. #5
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    intp
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx
    Posts
    7,823

    Default

    Tell him that someone on the internets said this; He should had just said her "fuck off BIATCH!!" the first time she cheated on him.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

    Read

  6. #6
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Enneagram
    9w8
    Posts
    3,545

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    Tell him that someone on the internets said this; He should had just said her "fuck off BIATCH!!" the first time she cheated on him.
    Thanks, @INTP, but he isn't used to hearing me talk like that; so I think I'll paraphrase it and say something more like, "I think you're doing the right thing. You would have been justified in leaving her long ago."
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

  7. #7
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    intp
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx
    Posts
    7,823

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ene View Post
    Thanks, @INTP, but he isn't used to hearing me talk like that; so I think I'll paraphrase it and say something more like, "I think you're doing the right thing. You would have been justified in leaving her long ago."
    But how i said it makes the bad decision of him not leaving her earlier come off stronger, so it being the reason for current bad situation puts more focus on him not doing the right thing earlier and this makes it easier to get over it now, because all the other shit kinda gets in the shadow of the past mistake. Sure he might cry about it, but if he focuses more on the mistake of not leaving her earlier its much easier to be strict now and sort of just rip the bandage off fast and not focus on irrelevant shit so much(like "isnt my penis big enough?" or other self doubt for reasons).
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

    Read

  8. #8
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Enneagram
    9w8
    Posts
    3,545

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    But how i said it makes the bad decision of him not leaving her earlier come off stronger, so it being the reason for current bad situation puts more focus on him not doing the right thing earlier and this makes it easier to get over it now, because all the other shit kinda gets in the shadow of the past mistake. Sure he might cry about it, but if he focuses more on the mistake of not leaving her earlier its much easier to be strict now and sort of just rip the bandage off fast and not focus on irrelevant shit so much(like "isnt my penis big enough?" or other self doubt for reasons).
    LOL...okay, okay...I get your point.
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

  9. #9
    On The blessblessblessblesster
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    MBTI
    xNtJ
    Enneagram
    5w6 sx
    Posts
    452

    Default

    Depends on where he's at in his personal development. Depends on your relationship with him. I do not think you can use MBTI to generalize the optimal response.

  10. #10
    Member Triforce's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    70

    Default

    Settle the score, revenge is sweet!



    I do not regret one bit giving it back to those who deserved it. I hope they learned from it.

    To be fair im not sure you can do much but to keep him busy with other things/people.

Similar Threads

  1. [INTJ] INTJ friend confused about feelings
    By mills in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 04-15-2015, 04:55 PM
  2. [INTJ] Bizarre behavior of my INTJ friend
    By SolitaryWalker in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: 01-28-2013, 11:03 AM
  3. Personality Types better equipped to go through physical and psychological torture?
    By curiousel in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 54
    Last Post: 11-08-2011, 09:33 PM
  4. Obama is going to face international crisis PROMISES Biden
    By Risen in forum Politics, History, and Current Events
    Replies: 42
    Last Post: 10-22-2008, 04:11 PM
  5. What made my INTJ friend to start marathon training..
    By UnitOfPopulation in forum Health and Fitness
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: 01-02-2008, 10:28 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO