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  1. #1
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Default Can I get any insight from an INTP on this?

    Just to give a little background. This INTP is an 8w9 so/sx

    He seems bitter and jaded because he is constantly giving, and making plans with his sons, and none of them want to hangout with him. In my eyes they're ungrateful, and I can understand why he would have this look on his face all the time.

    A look that he is just not content.

    He looks like he's on the defense all the time.. (hard face to describe)

    Sort of acts like he's pouting or something...

    Either way the guy seems unhappy.

    An example of this INTP.

    I was out in the sun with my friend (ISFP) and his father(INTP)

    I forgot my sunscreen. I was roasting.

    The INTP gave me his hat while we went on a boat ride (ISFP was driving)

    Got to the destination. Sat and talked for 2 hours pretty much about survival skills. INTP didn't say much...maybe asked me one question as usual. And talked a little about soccer with ISFP.

    On the way back the sun was set and I wasn't being burnt by it anymore.

    I asked him if he wanted his hat back

    He replied "Well, I don't need it now..." (This is kind of a key sentence here, because I sincerely cannot tell if he is joking, when I see it written, it clearly looks like a joke, but the intonation in the INTP's voice sounded more like resentment)

    I laughed, but he didn't...then it made me second guess if he was just being a jerk.

    I guess you'd have to hear what I heard...because his tone of voice was just serious.

    Do INTP's laugh at thier own jokes?




    I guess my question is, am I looking too much into it?

    Even if I am, all three of his son's agree with me that he is bitter and pouting about something.

    Is there something one of them can do to "snap" him out of it?

    Does this seem like a normal INTP interaction?

    I'm just curious, because he used to be a bit more stoic (I guess would be the word?) than described here.

    His mannerisms didn't seem to equate to....well to be frank... teenage drama

    Does this sound like I'm nit picking or something? Or when INTP's are stressed do they act like this?
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
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  2. #2
    Senior Member Evil Otter's Avatar
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    Sadly yes we do get like this. When we lose control of our emotions they are generally extremely overpowering for us and are expressed in a child-like or teenage manner which means our emotional highs look like giddy school children. And our emotional lows can look like a pouting kid, a manic depressant, or even roid rage. From my experience I have to be extremely cautious when I feel rejected (or under-appreciated) and watch my own behavior or these expressions will come out in full force.

    As for what can be done about it, that's the hard part. Usually the best thing to do is simply remove the cause of the emotions from my life. In this case however, I doubt he wants to abandon his sons, so that is out of the question. So my thought is to simply call him out on it in a way that also expresses understanding for his reaction.

    Though you might just want to ask what's up, because to some degree it may not just be verbal gratitude he is seeking. Personally very little pisses me off like people that think they are entitled to me or my abilities. And verbal gratitude is often nothing more than meaningless words and in this case that is probably how they'll come across. So maybe the best way to handle it is realize that he doesn't even have to give any of you (to include his sons) his presence and act accordingly

  3. #3
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lucky13 View Post
    Sadly yes we do get like this. When we lose control of our emotions they are generally extremely overpowering for us and are expressed in a child-like or teenage manner which means our emotional highs look like giddy school children. And our emotional lows can look like a pouting kid, a manic depressant, or even roid rage. From my experience I have to be extremely cautious when I feel rejected (or under-appreciated) and watch my own behavior or these expressions will come out in full force.

    As for what can be done about it, that's the hard part. Usually the best thing to do is simply remove the cause of the emotions from my life. In this case however, I doubt he wants to abandon his sons, so that is out of the question. So my thought is to simply call him out on it in a way that also expresses understanding for his reaction.

    Though you might just want to ask what's up, because to some degree it may not just be verbal gratitude he is seeking. Personally very little pisses me off like people that think they are entitled to me or my abilities. And verbal gratitude is often nothing more than meaningless words and in this case that is probably how they'll come across. So maybe the best way to handle it is realize that he doesn't even have to give any of you (to include his sons) his presence and act accordingly
    Yea i find this to be very different from a healthy state that an INTP should be in..

    The problem is that this "mood" has now become just his way of being. For at least a year.

    I think hes very hurt that he plans all these thing for his children an they dont want to go...or he feels like he is putting in all of the work...cause if he didnt make the plans no one else would.

    I have asked him if there was anything wrong. We didnt go very far with that. :/

    i have told his sons to just take the initiative with him once in a while and make a plan. Instead of him always doing it.

    They have yet to do that.

    I guess its not really my place to do anything anyways...but i still feel bad.

    Also i think he is less happy cause he cant be in charge like he was when they were younger..
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
    Unapologetically bonding in an uninhibited, propelled manner
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  4. #4
    Senior Member Evil Otter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Urarienev View Post
    Yea i find this to be very different from a healthy state that an INTP should be in..

    The problem is that this "mood" has now become just his way of being. For at least a year.
    Not to be discomforting but yeah that's not healthy. Sounds like he needs a vacation from his kids, and it might be even better is if his sons (assuming that there is an adult or two in the bunch) plans it for him and surprises him with it (even if they have to use mom's/dad's bank account). The more it shows appreciation for him the better. And you might be surprised just what a profound affect a single stress free weekend can have on the countenance of an INTP.

  5. #5
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lucky13 View Post
    Not to be discomforting but yeah that's not healthy. Sounds like he needs a vacation from his kids, and it might be even better is if his sons (assuming that there is an adult or two in the bunch) plans it for him and surprises him with it (even if they have to use mom's/dad's bank account). The more it shows appreciation for him the better. And you might be surprised just what a profound affect a single stress free weekend can have on the countenance of an INTP.
    Yea I think the underlying problem is that the relationship he has with all three sons...isn't optimal.

    They just wont do something like that...even though...that's a very good idea.

    He wants to spend more time with them...so I think the best option would be they plan a trip that includes them going with him and having some bonding time.

    idk
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
    Unapologetically bonding in an uninhibited, propelled manner
    10w12

  6. #6
    Senior Member Evil Otter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Urarienev View Post
    Yea I think the underlying problem is that the relationship he has with all three sons...isn't optimal.

    They just wont do something like that...even though...that's a very good idea.

    He wants to spend more time with them...so I think the best option would be they plan a trip that includes them going with him and having some bonding time.

    idk
    That might work to be honest though, at least how the sons are coming across they do sound like a couple of ingrate d-bags. It might just be bad luck for the dad unless they can be convinced to recognize what they have (stop and smell the roses type thing).

  7. #7
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lucky13 View Post
    That might work to be honest though, at least how the sons are coming across they do sound like a couple of ingrate d-bags. It might just be bad luck for the dad unless they can be convinced to recognize what they have (stop and smell the roses type thing).
    Yea, I wish they would.

    That's exactly what I try to tell them...all the time actually.

    In a sense they're lucky they have a dad that takes that initiative.

    I guess in a sense they may have maybe been suffocated by his eagerness to hangout though...Idk..

    But thanks on you ur feedback

    I was starting to think we were all typing him wrong cause he was showing a little bit of Fi or something.

    He's the only INTP I've met that's more than an acquaintance irl too.

    I also find it difficult to get close to INTP's

    maybe they've tried and didn't succeed?

    I'm lost when it comes to INTP's, our functions are so opposite lol
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
    Unapologetically bonding in an uninhibited, propelled manner
    10w12

  8. #8
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    To me, his strategy would be like if someone kept giving me gifts of something I didn't like, even after I told them I did not like that gift, then getting angry with me for not appreciating the gift because they went to a lot of trouble to get it.

    Doing something nice for someone and getting all pissy when it doesn't go exactly the way you think it should is not a good way to bond.

    He'd be better off ordering a pizza and watching lame kung fu movies with them or something like that. Anything the sons would actually enjoy and wouldn't require so much effort that he was going to be disappointed and sulky if things weren't as perfect as he envisioned.

    That, IME, is what I've run into with my INTP in the rare times when he's made plans: the plans tend to be elaborate and he gets very invested in them and they usually do not live up to expectations. The first little thing that goes wrong throws him for a loop and then he is cranky for a half hour at least *if* nothing else goes wrong. Doing anything outside of his comfort zone is a crap shoot, so I generally do routine stuff with him, which is pleasant for both of us, and non-routine adventurey stuff without him because he's just not a very good sport. He's happy at home doing his thing. I'm happy out and about doing mine.

    But anyway, has this INTP always done these kinds of things with his sons or did he suddenly feel like he was missing out on something with them and try to change a long-established dynamic after more or less ignoring them for years?

    FWIW, I have four kids: two daughters 20 and 18, and two sons 16 and 14. When they were younger I used to do outdoorsy things with them like walking trails, camping, fishing and swimming at the lake. Not constantly, but a couple of times in the nice weather at least. When they got older, one of my daughters and one of my sons decided that the great outdoors was not their cup of tea. I was disappointed, but I didn't make the ones that didn't want to go with me go anymore. You can't make someone have fun doing something they don't like to do. I mean, I don't go out and make myself do stuff I don't like to do when I'm trying to have fun. Why would I do that to my kids? And past a certain age, a lot of kids don't really get excited about doing activities with their parents. They have their own interests and friends, etc. That's just normal, IMO.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #9
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    To me, his strategy would be like if someone kept giving me gifts of something I didn't like, even after I told them I did not like that gift, then getting angry with me for not appreciating the gift because they went to a lot of trouble to get it.

    Doing something nice for someone and getting all pissy when it doesn't go exactly the way you think it should is not a good way to bond.

    He'd be better off ordering a pizza and watching lame kung fu movies with them or something like that. Anything the sons would actually enjoy and wouldn't require so much effort that he was going to be disappointed and sulky if things weren't as perfect as he envisioned.

    That, IME, is what I've run into with my INTP in the rare times when he's made plans: the plans tend to be elaborate and he gets very invested in them and they usually do not live up to expectations. The first little thing that goes wrong throws him for a loop and then he is cranky for a half hour at least *if* nothing else goes wrong. Doing anything outside of his comfort zone is a crap shoot, so I generally do routine stuff with him, which is pleasant for both of us, and non-routine adventurey stuff without him because he's just not a very good sport. He's happy at home doing his thing. I'm happy out and about doing mine.

    But anyway, has this INTP always done these kinds of things with his sons or did he suddenly feel like he was missing out on something with them and try to change a long-established dynamic after more or less ignoring them for years?

    FWIW, I have four kids: two daughters 20 and 18, and two sons 16 and 14. When they were younger I used to do outdoorsy things with them like walking trails, camping, fishing and swimming at the lake. Not constantly, but a couple of times in the nice weather at least. When they got older, one of my daughters and one of my sons decided that the great outdoors was not their cup of tea. I was disappointed, but I didn't make the ones that didn't want to go with me go anymore. You can't make someone have fun doing something they don't like to do. I mean, I don't go out and make myself do stuff I don't like to do when I'm trying to have fun. Why would I do that to my kids? And past a certain age, a lot of kids don't really get excited about doing activities with their parents. They have their own interests and friends, etc. That's just normal, IMO.
    WOW

    This is really interesting.

    I didn't think it was an INTP thing that they get kinda invested then upset when it doesn't go through...

    I thought it was just cause he's an 8

    You really have good insight here because that's exactly what's going on. The father has done this stuff with them all their lives...not necessarily outdoors stuff, or boating, or anything. He has actually tried to do a VARIETY of things to get them interested in going.

    I think they just want to do their own thing as your last sentence implies.

    The problem about them being ungrateful actually goes more into the subject of him giving them thousands of dollars each year and ...then it's like they can't even hang with the guy?

    Kinda rude...not that there should be strings attached to money or anything, but still seems ungrateful

    Also this is just my opinion cause my dad has never offered to do stuff with me and I've always wanted him to...Also he doesn't have thousands of dollars to give to me either...

    I just think they should be grateful they have such an active father in their lives.

    At least he's trying?

    In reference to the bold...that Is the best thing they do together where he doesn't get upset...but it still sucks for the sons cause they're not all into movies like he is. lol

    I don't think I'm going to suggest anything to them anymore though. Don't think it's helping.

    The kids are all in their 20's if that makes any difference...maybe they'll grow.
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
    Unapologetically bonding in an uninhibited, propelled manner
    10w12

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