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  1. #21
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Millis View Post
    Thanks, that was a useful peace of advice
    I only can speak for myself, I think I can.
    I wish you luck. My prior relationship was with an ENTP. It didn't last for very long since his mercurial nature didn't fit well with my need for consistency which you'll find is an ENTJ thing. One second, we were in synch with no interest in cohabitation, the next second cohabitation was his most important need. Just ensure that you mean what you say and remain consistent to it.

  2. #22
    Junior Member Millis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by andante View Post
    I wish you luck. My prior relationship was with an ENTP. It didn't last for very long since his mercurial nature didn't fit well with my need for consistency which you'll find is an ENTJ thing. One second, we were in synch with no interest in cohabitation, the next second cohabitation was his most important need. Just ensure that you mean what you say and remain consistent to it.
    Jah, I think I'll need it...

    Ironically, it wasn't me that was inconsistent. I was aware of the potential ENTP/ENTJ problems, but I chose to believe that we can make things work, got 100% in and was counting on having long term future with him. It is actually my ENTJ that has been inconsistent in the sense that he now twice was SPONTANEOUSLY trying to break up (without thinking it through first) and changing his mind shortly after. In my world, you first try to resolve issues with your partner, if that doesn't work you think things through and either try another approach or choose the exit. When I make a decision to break up I don't change my mind. And I can't really understand why a person with ENTJ personality would be doing it twice, really weird. And as I got 100 % invested in this relationship I got really hurt.

  3. #23
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you've been having relationship issues.

    One thing I do know about NJs is they always have a "Vision" of what they want for the future - sort of an invisible set of criteria - and if you stray too far from the boundaries of that Vision, they won't be interested in you anymore. My guess is what may have happened when he broke up with you "spontaneously" was that it wasn't really spontaneous at all in his head, and that it was probably the point at which he decided you weren't meeting his criteria to an extent that being with you didn't make sense for him anymore, but then maybe your willingness to change and his fondness for you convinced him to try again. For a relationship with an NJ to work, you have to make sure that his Vision includes allowing you room to make mistakes and grow while still being a good partner for him. He will need to clarify what he must have from you at all times and what can be more negotiable, and he will need to make room to allow you to be who you are and grow in the directions you want to grow. It's possible that who you are is simply incompatible with his relationship needs - that's happened to myself and an NJ before, and it's painful, but it would have been more painful to stay in the relationship and always confine myself.

  4. #24
    my floof is luxury Wind Up Rex's Avatar
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    @Millis,

    Without being too morbid about it, I'm curious what exactly were the issues that precipitated these break ups. ENTJs take commitment fairly seriously, and are fairly all or nothing about those we make. For me to want to break it off with someone, it's probably because somewhere along the way that person has violated some boundary of mine enough times that I feel I can no longer tolerate them. I'm guessing that your ENTJ has taken exception to some pattern in your behavior, and that he hasn't adequately articulated what that pattern is or you haven't listened to him when he's told you what's wrong. The upshot in all this is that he clearly does care for you, or he wouldn't have come back to you.

    Another thing is that ENTJs typically don't shy from conflict. This idea you've picked up that he either can't accept that you guys fight or can't accept the "imperfections" in your relationship is probably not exactly the case. Unless he's stated as much to you explicitly, or is actually an ENFJ. We don't really seek for people to be perfect, and while we can be demanding in certain spheres, in our relationships there are few who are more accepting. What we don't tend to accept are behaviors we know to be beneath the person we care about (i.e., self-destructiveness, wasted potential, ect).

    All this being said, I'd recommend that rather than speculating with strangers, talk to your ENTJ directly and ask him what does he need from you in order to be happy in your relationship. If what he requests is reasonable, then you guys can begin working on it together. If you don't think you can give him what he needs, then move on.



    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    One thing I do know about NJs is they always have a "Vision" of what they want for the future - sort of an invisible set of criteria - and if you stray too far from the boundaries of that Vision, they won't be interested in you anymore. My guess is what may have happened when he broke up with you "spontaneously" was that it wasn't really spontaneous at all in his head, and that it was probably the point at which he decided you weren't meeting his criteria. For a relationship with an NJ to work, you have to make sure that his Vision includes allowing you room to make mistakes and grow while still being a good partner for him. He will need to clarify what he must have from you at all times and what can be more negotiable, and he will need to make room to allow you to be who you are and grow in the directions you want to grow. It's possible that who you are is simply incompatible with his relationship needs - that's happened to myself and an NJ before, and it's painful, but it would have been more painful to stay in the relationship and always confine myself.
    I initially quoted your post to disagree with your point, Sky, only to contribute something of a variation on a theme. All the same, I think this notion of "vision" doesn't apply so much to ENTJs. We're more "planners" than "visionaries" per se. Whatever grand designs Ni cranks out are essentially working documents that can change on a dime depending on the feedback absorbed via Se. That contrasts sharply with an INTJ, for instance, whose Ni is anchored in Fi instead. Those visions are an expression of their being, and going against that is tantamount to rejection in their minds. That ain't our hang up, though.

    Where you can go wrong with an ENTJ as an Ne-dom is by undermining Te's need to say that something is. Even on an abstract level, we like to be able to pin something down as being one way or another. Ne-ing something excessively can be misinterpreted as dishonesty, and taken very personally. We can learn to accept that, however, as we begin to understand the rules of the game. My assumption in my response is that the OP has committed an Fi violation rather than an Ni one simply because her SO's behavior is clearly less methodical and more emotionally-driven than if she was simply derailing his plans.
    And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,
    you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth

  5. #25
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    I am not sure how useful this would be, given the wildly different context, but with an ENTJ friend back in HS I noticed he is always trying to set the rules of the game, so to speak... And i always lawyered around them. Hed express a sense of disorientation with my way of thinking that he refered to as "pulling a [my rl name]", which I loved but he seemed to be genuinely frustrated...

    @Millis Is it possible your entj is reacting to the way you argue in a way which disorients him? Maybe he is frustrated because he doesnt know wtf is going on?

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