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[NT] Tendency to cut people out? (Rationals)

DigitalMethod

Content. Content?
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May 4, 2008
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970
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INTJ
I notice that I cut people out of my life once they stop being "beneficial", or I guess you could say, when they stop being a positive influence in my life. Like literally cut them out. Avoid them in real life, and talk less online, with emails I just tend to write short replies back. I was wondering if other rationals find themselves doing this, or is it more of a INTJ thing? Or maybe it's just a jerk thing. I've really done it more than once. It's really sad I think. It's not something I'd prefer to do. I don't enjoy it. I just have to do it to keep my sanity. Sometimes I'll be on the acquaintance level with someone for a long time, and then after that period of time I start to either desire a deeper friendship or ta boot out of my life. Sorta weird I guess. So I'm just wondering if other rationals (INTJs maybe?) do this, or is it me just being a jerk? Oh and by "deeper" I don't mean "relationship", I just mean a better friend, something deeper than just acquaintances.
 

helen

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Nov 20, 2007
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241
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INFJ
I'm an INFJ and I've cut people out before too. Based on observations here and IRL, I sometimes think that NTs have a tendency to perceive themselves as excessively cold or hard hearted and are more severe on themselves about things that may actually be considered normal behavior by all types. Which is why I decided to crash this NT only thread to offer some NF-ian perspective. ;)

If a relationship (not as in romantic, but as in two people relating to eachother in any capacity) is harmful, or simply not beneficial or interesting enough to pursue, then people tend to drift apart, obviously. I don't usually fight this process, and sometimes I will do things to hasten the drifting. All relationships require time and some degree of emotional investment, and I have to set limits to this kind of thing because otherwise I feel very drained and am a worse friend to all my friends in consequence. Well, that said it is true I am very much of an introvert!

One important exception, I've never dropped a friend, only acquaintances. Basically, if a person is close enough to me that they'd feel hurt by the rejection, they have no reason to fear it because it is unlikely ever to come.
 

karenk

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Not NT but decided to reply anyway. I do the same thing. Maybe I'm a jerk. However, I don't really worry about it. The recent people I've done this to were superficial imo and became so tedious talking about things that not only became boring but actually really irritating. I think it's ok. I don't think they were sincere. You probably have good reasons. If you kept in contact with everyone out of a sense of obligation I think it would be so draining-especially for an introvert.
 

DigitalMethod

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Which is why I decided to crash this NT only thread to offer some NF-ian perspective. ;)

Oh, I didn't mean it to only be NTs, and thanks for your input.

One important exception, I've never dropped a friend, only acquaintances. Basically, if a person is close enough to me that they'd feel hurt by the rejection, they have no reason to fear it because it is unlikely ever to come.

Except I will. :doh:

But this is hard to reason with, because half the time I can't tell what they think of me as. So I might be dropping an acquaintance while they would be losing a friend. I really have a hard time figuring out where I stand in other's books.

The main reason I bring this up is because I'm seriously wondering if I should drop a friend (maybe defined as an acquaintance?) or not, and I wonder if I am being a heartless jerk or perhaps I am being reasonable. But I guess that is more of a thing for private... I don't really feel like explaining my friend and I and our friendship.

So yeah I'd just prefer other people's experiences in the "cutting friends/acquaintances/whatevers off". Which is what you gave, so thanks again. :)
 

DigitalMethod

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Not NT but decided to reply anyway. I do the same thing. Maybe I'm a jerk. However, I don't really worry about it. The recent people I've done this to were superficial imo and became so tedious talking about things that not only became boring but actually really irritating. I think it's ok. I don't think they were sincere. You probably have good reasons. If you kept in contact with everyone out of a sense of obligation I think it would be so draining-especially for an introvert.

Thanks that helped.. :)
 

nemo

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Jan 21, 2008
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So I'm assuming that when you said you tend to cut out people who "stop being a positive influence" on your life you mean they're either a negative or neutral influence.

If someone is a negative influence on my life, I have no remorse in cutting them out. I basically have no sense of obligation to people in that regards.

The one huuuge exception is anything in a romantic context. It's so hard to develop an emotional connection with anyone that severing it can be traumatic. But that's a different story.

If they're a neutral influence on my life, I tend to ignore them for the most part, but interact with them when it seems fun for both of us.

Honestly, I'd rather have many interesting albeit superficial acquaintances with low emotional investment that I can interact with on my terms than a few "deeper" relationships with friends that have all the annoying obligations that sort of thing entails. Are you like that? I think that may be why I wouldn't boot "neutral" people out of my life, but it sounds like you do (correct me if I misinterpreted here).
 

DigitalMethod

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Honestly, I'd rather have many interesting albeit superficial acquaintances with low emotional investment that I can interact with on my terms than a few "deeper" relationships with friends that have all the annoying obligations that sort of thing entails. Are you like that? I think that may be why I wouldn't boot "neutral" people out of my life, but it sounds like you do (correct me if I misinterpreted here).

Regarding neutral people, I have a few of those. I guess you could technically call them acquaintances, and they are the same for me as they are for you, talk to them when it's a subject we both have fun with mainly games, or anything geeky. But out side of school and such there is no contact with them.

Then I have a few friends who go to my school and who live near me. We have LAN parties a lot :nerd:. We sometimes but rarely talk about anything besides our common interests, I know they'd be there for me if I needed them, but they wouldn't be my first choice and honestly it would be really awkward.

So, all in all I guess I don't have any neutral people in my life if I don't see them on a required basis (i.e. school). I think I can assume I don't have any neutrals because I subconsciously ignore them and "kick" them out. Lol, I'm a jerk.

And I am not like you, I'd prefer a few "deep" friendships over numerous lighter friendships. Course I don't really have any deep friends.. maybe one.. I'm not sure.. but it's all cool, I score 100% introverted on every test for a reason.

Obligations aren't annoying to me. I'm very committed once I make up my complex ol' head. I think my issue here is, I want a few deep friends but I don't have the patience to deal with people who have to adjust themselves to be deep with me, so I snip them off. So, I guess I wait for people who just click with me then make deep friendships. But it gets lonely sometimes ya know? :(

Although I could be entirely wrong due to the fact that I lack experience in the friendship field.

Man, this was really complex, I didn't put it down very well, I guess I shouldn't listen to Bob Marley while I post. Oh, and nemo, your avatar is awesome.
 

Thursday

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Mar 14, 2008
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I'm an INFJ and I've cut people out before too. Based on observations here and IRL, I sometimes think that NTs have a tendency to perceive themselves as excessively cold or hard hearted and are more severe on themselves about things that may actually be considered normal behavior by all types. Which is why I decided to crash this NT only thread to offer some NF-ian perspective. ;)

If a relationship (not as in romantic, but as in two people relating to eachother in any capacity) is harmful, or simply not beneficial or interesting enough to pursue, then people tend to drift apart, obviously. I don't usually fight this process, and sometimes I will do things to hasten the drifting. All relationships require time and some degree of emotional investment, and I have to set limits to this kind of thing because otherwise I feel very drained and am a worse friend to all my friends in consequence. Well, that said it is true I am very much of an introvert!

One important exception, I've never dropped a friend, only acquaintances. Basically, if a person is close enough to me that they'd feel hurt by the rejection, they have no reason to fear it because it is unlikely ever to come.

See the thread -INFJ Doorslam-
 

helen

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Nov 20, 2007
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See the thread -INFJ Doorslam-

I've looked at the thread, but I can't say I relate. I've never "slammed the door" on someone close to me yet, but of course maybe that's just because nobody has given me a reason to yet. :)
 

Tallulah

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I will put up with a LOT of crap before I cut someone out, but basically, when 1) you're a jerk and don't seem to care how it affects others, or 2) are so draining that you're sucking up all my energy and don't seem to care or notice, then I might decide that you are not worth the time and energy.
 

DigitalMethod

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I will put up with a LOT of crap before I cut someone out, but basically, when 1) you're a jerk and don't seem to care how it affects others, or 2) are so draining that you're sucking up all my energy and don't seem to care or notice, then I might decide that you are not worth the time and energy.

I agree.
But, my issue with this is, I really expect for the people to criticize me and tell me I have been a jerk, and then tell me why. I really won't pick up on it otherwise unless they comment on it to me, or give me huge hints. Same goes with the sucking energy thing. I'd change if I cared for the person, they'd just have to tell me.
 

01011010

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I agree.
But, my issue with this is, I really expect for the people to criticize me and tell me I have been a jerk, and then tell me why. I really won't pick up on it otherwise unless they comment on it to me, or give me huge hints. Same goes with the sucking energy thing. I'd change if I cared for the person, they'd just have to tell me.

People aren't generally very logical. If you really want to know, you have to ask in a direct and clear manner. I personally could care less if people I'm not close to think I'm a jerk.
 

Abhaya

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Jun 10, 2008
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97
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I don't really cut people out unless they really cross a line. This has happened a couple of times. I think it was a way of avoiding conflict. I just realized these people couldn't be trusted and haven't spoken to them since. I have tried to change this somewhat though. One of these instances I didn't talk to a close friend for years, but then one day we hung out and actually talked about the issues I had with them from the past. It seems there was a big misunderstanding between us. We are good friends again. If I had expressed myself earlier it might not have been 2 years until we spoke again.

As far as acquaintances go. If I run into them I will be cordial, but they will have a very difficult time getting me to hang out or answer the telephone. Usually they will loose interest. I know I sound like an "a" hole, but I can only handle having a few very close friends and I (very) often do not like to be disturbed.
 

DigitalMethod

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People aren't generally very logical. If you really want to know, you have to ask in a direct and clear manner. I personally could care less if people I'm not close to think I'm a jerk.

But then sometimes people will not answer truthfully even if you ask directly. Because they'd prefer to not hurt feelings and such. Which I respect... but honestly my feelings would be hurt more from having a friendship where we aren't on the same level.

I think my preferred method would be for others to point out if I am being a jerk, I'd prefer that over having to ask, and I'd prefer having to ask over ignoring the situation all together.
 

01011010

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But then sometimes people will not answer truthfully even if you ask directly.
Ah, then it can't be helped. That type of situation is out of your control. Just put that sort of thing out of your mind instead of fixating on it, since it can't be changed.

I think my preferred method would be for others to point out if I am being a jerk, I'd prefer that over having to ask, and I'd prefer having to ask over ignoring the situation all together.
You have figured out your solution. As long as you tell people in a clear manner about wanting to be told when your being a jerk, things should work according to the sequence of events you prefer.
 

Tallulah

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I agree.
But, my issue with this is, I really expect for the people to criticize me and tell me I have been a jerk, and then tell me why. I really won't pick up on it otherwise unless they comment on it to me, or give me huge hints. Same goes with the sucking energy thing. I'd change if I cared for the person, they'd just have to tell me.

Generally, before I cut someone out, I have discussed certain problematic issues with them before. It's come up in some way, and I've tried to deal with it, but ultimately, their own unwillingness to not be a jerk or manipulative or what have you wins out. I don't cut you off until it's really getting to the point where being your friend is stressing me out and making me feel bad. At that point, it's a relief to have you gone.
 

Cypocalypse

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Not really wanting to be sarcastic but....

SJ - narrow minded peeps that think they're always right, or are compelled to show most of the time that they're right (the archetype that I may be tempted to cut ties with if things go unhealthy).

SP - narrow minded peeps who, unlike SJ's, will probably listen to an intuitive, but still they probably still won't get what the intuitive would say if it's insight related. Lack of N perhaps. But they could be the better people to hang out with because even if they don't see insights the way an intuitive does it, at least their P function diminishes their prejudice.

NxJ = the archetypes of peeps who may wanna hang out with an xNxP, but the difference is, unlike the sensors who hardly get a clue, the NJs know where an xNxP's perspective is coming from (N thing). Still, they still have the urge of proving that they're right (J thing).

Eventually, this may boil down to an intuitive staying in the company of another intuitive. Sensors are not as driven to have a sense of personal growth as much an an intuitive (which makes me think that growth is actually an N thing), so eventually, if things get unhealthy, the temptation to leave the person would be there.
 

Kristiana

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Dec 28, 2007
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INTJ
If I actively decide to never speak to someone again, I will tell him/her, and I will explain why. This has happened three or four times that I know of. (On a similar note, an ex of mine decided to do the same to me, because he was mad that I'd started dating quite soon after we'd broken up. Oy.)

DigitalMethod, how old are you? Also, is the friend in question male or female? Use special caution if she is female, because I've seen in my own life and in the lives of others how many girls take it, and it can be very psychologically damaging.
 
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