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  1. #1
    Content. Content? DigitalMethod's Avatar
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    Unhappy Tendency to cut people out? (Rationals)

    I notice that I cut people out of my life once they stop being "beneficial", or I guess you could say, when they stop being a positive influence in my life. Like literally cut them out. Avoid them in real life, and talk less online, with emails I just tend to write short replies back. I was wondering if other rationals find themselves doing this, or is it more of a INTJ thing? Or maybe it's just a jerk thing. I've really done it more than once. It's really sad I think. It's not something I'd prefer to do. I don't enjoy it. I just have to do it to keep my sanity. Sometimes I'll be on the acquaintance level with someone for a long time, and then after that period of time I start to either desire a deeper friendship or ta boot out of my life. Sorta weird I guess. So I'm just wondering if other rationals (INTJs maybe?) do this, or is it me just being a jerk? Oh and by "deeper" I don't mean "relationship", I just mean a better friend, something deeper than just acquaintances.
    "The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful."
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  2. #2
    Senior Member helen's Avatar
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    I'm an INFJ and I've cut people out before too. Based on observations here and IRL, I sometimes think that NTs have a tendency to perceive themselves as excessively cold or hard hearted and are more severe on themselves about things that may actually be considered normal behavior by all types. Which is why I decided to crash this NT only thread to offer some NF-ian perspective.

    If a relationship (not as in romantic, but as in two people relating to eachother in any capacity) is harmful, or simply not beneficial or interesting enough to pursue, then people tend to drift apart, obviously. I don't usually fight this process, and sometimes I will do things to hasten the drifting. All relationships require time and some degree of emotional investment, and I have to set limits to this kind of thing because otherwise I feel very drained and am a worse friend to all my friends in consequence. Well, that said it is true I am very much of an introvert!

    One important exception, I've never dropped a friend, only acquaintances. Basically, if a person is close enough to me that they'd feel hurt by the rejection, they have no reason to fear it because it is unlikely ever to come.

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    Not NT but decided to reply anyway. I do the same thing. Maybe I'm a jerk. However, I don't really worry about it. The recent people I've done this to were superficial imo and became so tedious talking about things that not only became boring but actually really irritating. I think it's ok. I don't think they were sincere. You probably have good reasons. If you kept in contact with everyone out of a sense of obligation I think it would be so draining-especially for an introvert.

  4. #4
    Content. Content? DigitalMethod's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by helen View Post
    Which is why I decided to crash this NT only thread to offer some NF-ian perspective.
    Oh, I didn't mean it to only be NTs, and thanks for your input.

    Quote Originally Posted by helen View Post
    One important exception, I've never dropped a friend, only acquaintances. Basically, if a person is close enough to me that they'd feel hurt by the rejection, they have no reason to fear it because it is unlikely ever to come.
    Except I will.

    But this is hard to reason with, because half the time I can't tell what they think of me as. So I might be dropping an acquaintance while they would be losing a friend. I really have a hard time figuring out where I stand in other's books.

    The main reason I bring this up is because I'm seriously wondering if I should drop a friend (maybe defined as an acquaintance?) or not, and I wonder if I am being a heartless jerk or perhaps I am being reasonable. But I guess that is more of a thing for private... I don't really feel like explaining my friend and I and our friendship.

    So yeah I'd just prefer other people's experiences in the "cutting friends/acquaintances/whatevers off". Which is what you gave, so thanks again.
    "The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful."
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  5. #5
    Content. Content? DigitalMethod's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by karenk View Post
    Not NT but decided to reply anyway. I do the same thing. Maybe I'm a jerk. However, I don't really worry about it. The recent people I've done this to were superficial imo and became so tedious talking about things that not only became boring but actually really irritating. I think it's ok. I don't think they were sincere. You probably have good reasons. If you kept in contact with everyone out of a sense of obligation I think it would be so draining-especially for an introvert.
    Thanks that helped..
    "The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful."
    - Albert Einstein

  6. #6
    Senior Member nemo's Avatar
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    So I'm assuming that when you said you tend to cut out people who "stop being a positive influence" on your life you mean they're either a negative or neutral influence.

    If someone is a negative influence on my life, I have no remorse in cutting them out. I basically have no sense of obligation to people in that regards.

    The one huuuge exception is anything in a romantic context. It's so hard to develop an emotional connection with anyone that severing it can be traumatic. But that's a different story.

    If they're a neutral influence on my life, I tend to ignore them for the most part, but interact with them when it seems fun for both of us.

    Honestly, I'd rather have many interesting albeit superficial acquaintances with low emotional investment that I can interact with on my terms than a few "deeper" relationships with friends that have all the annoying obligations that sort of thing entails. Are you like that? I think that may be why I wouldn't boot "neutral" people out of my life, but it sounds like you do (correct me if I misinterpreted here).
    You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. - Jack London

  7. #7
    Content. Content? DigitalMethod's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nemo View Post
    Honestly, I'd rather have many interesting albeit superficial acquaintances with low emotional investment that I can interact with on my terms than a few "deeper" relationships with friends that have all the annoying obligations that sort of thing entails. Are you like that? I think that may be why I wouldn't boot "neutral" people out of my life, but it sounds like you do (correct me if I misinterpreted here).
    Regarding neutral people, I have a few of those. I guess you could technically call them acquaintances, and they are the same for me as they are for you, talk to them when it's a subject we both have fun with mainly games, or anything geeky. But out side of school and such there is no contact with them.

    Then I have a few friends who go to my school and who live near me. We have LAN parties a lot . We sometimes but rarely talk about anything besides our common interests, I know they'd be there for me if I needed them, but they wouldn't be my first choice and honestly it would be really awkward.

    So, all in all I guess I don't have any neutral people in my life if I don't see them on a required basis (i.e. school). I think I can assume I don't have any neutrals because I subconsciously ignore them and "kick" them out. Lol, I'm a jerk.

    And I am not like you, I'd prefer a few "deep" friendships over numerous lighter friendships. Course I don't really have any deep friends.. maybe one.. I'm not sure.. but it's all cool, I score 100&#37; introverted on every test for a reason.

    Obligations aren't annoying to me. I'm very committed once I make up my complex ol' head. I think my issue here is, I want a few deep friends but I don't have the patience to deal with people who have to adjust themselves to be deep with me, so I snip them off. So, I guess I wait for people who just click with me then make deep friendships. But it gets lonely sometimes ya know?

    Although I could be entirely wrong due to the fact that I lack experience in the friendship field.

    Man, this was really complex, I didn't put it down very well, I guess I shouldn't listen to Bob Marley while I post. Oh, and nemo, your avatar is awesome.
    "The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful."
    - Albert Einstein

  8. #8
    Earth Exalted Thursday's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by helen View Post
    I'm an INFJ and I've cut people out before too. Based on observations here and IRL, I sometimes think that NTs have a tendency to perceive themselves as excessively cold or hard hearted and are more severe on themselves about things that may actually be considered normal behavior by all types. Which is why I decided to crash this NT only thread to offer some NF-ian perspective.

    If a relationship (not as in romantic, but as in two people relating to eachother in any capacity) is harmful, or simply not beneficial or interesting enough to pursue, then people tend to drift apart, obviously. I don't usually fight this process, and sometimes I will do things to hasten the drifting. All relationships require time and some degree of emotional investment, and I have to set limits to this kind of thing because otherwise I feel very drained and am a worse friend to all my friends in consequence. Well, that said it is true I am very much of an introvert!

    One important exception, I've never dropped a friend, only acquaintances. Basically, if a person is close enough to me that they'd feel hurt by the rejection, they have no reason to fear it because it is unlikely ever to come.
    See the thread -INFJ Doorslam-
    I N V I C T U S

  9. #9
    Senior Member helen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AvereX View Post
    See the thread -INFJ Doorslam-
    I've looked at the thread, but I can't say I relate. I've never "slammed the door" on someone close to me yet, but of course maybe that's just because nobody has given me a reason to yet.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Cypocalypse's Avatar
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    It's also an INTP thing.

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