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[NT] Tendency to cut people out? (Rationals)

DigitalMethod

Content. Content?
Joined
May 4, 2008
Messages
970
MBTI Type
INTJ
If I actively decide to never speak to someone again, I will tell him/her, and I will explain why. This has happened three or four times that I know of. (On a similar note, an ex of mine decided to do the same to me, because he was mad that I'd started dating quite soon after we'd broken up. Oy.)

DigitalMethod, how old are you? Also, is the friend in question male or female? Use special caution if she is female, because I've seen in my own life and in the lives of others how many girls take it, and it can be very psychologically damaging.

PMed. :)
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
MBTI Type
INFP
I've done this all my life, and I'm only beginning to realise that it's completely irrational and all the product of my own fears of being rejected by someone I've grown close to once we've hit a bump (which, of course, is a mountain, in my eyes).

It actually hurts me just as much, if not more, than the other person. My most recent "cut off" has been like an endlessly bleeding wound in my heart.

I'm learning how to recognise when my reflexes are triggered, and when I'm ready to end a relationship, and to talk myself out of being an idiot and to for once, be understanding, not adversarial.
 

DigitalMethod

Content. Content?
Joined
May 4, 2008
Messages
970
MBTI Type
INTJ
I've done this all my life, and I'm only beginning to realise that it's completely irrational and all the product of my own fears of being rejected by someone I've grown close to once we've hit a bump (which, of course, is a mountain, in my eyes).

It actually hurts me just as much, if not more, than the other person. My most recent "cut off" has been like an endlessly bleeding wound in my heart.

I'm learning how to recognise when my reflexes are triggered, and when I'm ready to end a relationship, and to talk myself out of being an idiot and to for once, be understanding, not adversarial.

Enlightening...
Thanks.
Would you say that you've completely ended that habit within yourself? Or at least come to spot it each time you start it?
 
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
76
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
5w4
Eek, I am not a NT but I do cut people and "door slammed" them, when they are too much for me, or they no longer serve any use (yes as superficial as it sounds) but most of the time, it's their "too-much-for-me" that makes me close and shut my door on them. And the worst thing is the person don't even know what's happening, only after a few months passed, then do they realized the friendship/relationship is no longer there. I did it to my ex-best friend.

I've done this all my life, and I'm only beginning to realize that it's completely irrational and all the product of my own fears of being rejected by someone I've grown close to once we've hit a bump (which, of course, is a mountain, in my eyes).

Dana, I can totally relate to you on this part. I too cut them off for fear of them rejecting me.
 
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SolitaryWalker

Tenured roisterer
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
3,504
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I notice that I cut people out of my life once they stop being "beneficial", or I guess you could say, when they stop being a positive influence in my life. Like literally cut them out. Avoid them in real life, and talk less online, with emails I just tend to write short replies back. I was wondering if other rationals find themselves doing this, or is it more of a INTJ thing? Or maybe it's just a jerk thing. I've really done it more than once. It's really sad I think. It's not something I'd prefer to do. I don't enjoy it. I just have to do it to keep my sanity. Sometimes I'll be on the acquaintance level with someone for a long time, and then after that period of time I start to either desire a deeper friendship or ta boot out of my life. Sorta weird I guess. So I'm just wondering if other rationals (INTJs maybe?) do this, or is it me just being a jerk? Oh and by "deeper" I don't mean "relationship", I just mean a better friend, something deeper than just acquaintances.

This is utilitarian thinking, what isnt useful must be dispensed with. Most distinctly emphasized by the Thinking mindset.
 

entropie

Permabanned
Joined
Apr 24, 2008
Messages
16,767
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entp
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783
Will give right arm for one real friend xD
 

Gabe

New member
Joined
Nov 17, 2007
Messages
590
MBTI Type
ENTP
This is utilitarian thinking, what isnt useful must be dispensed with. Most distinctly emphasized by the Thinking mindset.

They never said anything about 'useful', they said that when relationships were having a negative influence on them they quit. The thing is, that could have been written by all eight of the feeling-preffering types (except maybe people with auxiliary Fe, they can have a tendency to hang onto bad relationships), and yet, because it was written in the NT forum, you spun it as a 'utilitarian' attitude. I'm sure if it was written on a different forum, you would have ignored it ('cause it doesn't match with what you think you know) or you would have made up (and coincidently been right, for once :rolleyes:) how such an attitude could stem from either feeling function. I sometimes wonder how you manage to take yourself seriously.
 

thejames

New member
Joined
Jun 27, 2008
Messages
17
MBTI Type
INFP
DigitalMethod, I actually think this is a healthy tendency of INTJs.

My two best friends back in high school were an INTJ and an INTP. Being an INFP myself, I have learned much from the confidence, decisiveness, and individuality of the INTJ, as well as the importance and power of logical reasoning from the INTP.

That said, you probably already know that a natural tendency of the INFP is feeling insecure about themselves. In the past, I had always experienced difficulty in overlooking my feelings for others in order to follow through with the logical need to end an unhealthy relationship.

My INTJ friend once told me that he admired this quality about me, because all of our younger friends tended to be loyal to me in more of a "mutual" sense, rather than more of a "submissive" sense like they were to him. He told me he disliked coming across as being so cold, and sometimes wished he could be more caring and understanding of other's feelings like I was.

I replied explaining that in addition to being more submissive to him, those younger friends were also much quicker in attaining a natural respect for him; something that INFPs take longer to acquire of people (and even once attained, it is never at the same level of respect as it is for the INTJ).

Then my INTP friend conveniently concluded for us that we simply oppose eachother's strengths and weaknesses in these kinds of areas, and that's why we are eachother's "advisors".

Quite awesome indeed.
 
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,026
MBTI Type
ENTP
I've slammed the door, cut all ties... avoided phonecalls for months... sometimes, actually, without much cause... I think I often get very annoyed by the increasing dedication it takes, with some people... sometimes it's not even their fault... I feel bad not only because they're hurt, but because of my own embarrassment at acting like a jerk... some people have called me extremely loyal, but that's probably because they haven't gotten the unceremonious boot yet. Everyone, except my mother, brother, and father, is liable to get it...

BUT.... I have had stable friendships over many years... only not that many.
 

DigitalMethod

Content. Content?
Joined
May 4, 2008
Messages
970
MBTI Type
INTJ
DigitalMethod, I actually think this is a healthy tendency of INTJs.

I guess you see it easily this way because like you said, it's your weakness so you easily respect other's who have it. I think it can be healthy, but there is always an equally balanced negative effect to the positive effect.

My two best friends back in high school were an INTJ and an INTP. Being an INFP myself, I have learned much from the confidence, decisiveness, and individuality of the INTJ, as well as the importance and power of logical reasoning from the INTP.

Thanks, for those compliments, to the INTJ type anyway.
I wish I had friends like that in high school...

That said, you probably already know that a natural tendency of the INFP is feeling insecure about themselves. In the past, I had always experienced difficulty in overlooking my feelings for others in order to follow through with the logical need to end an unhealthy relationship.

Actually, the thought that it's insecurity never came to mind. Although, I guess that makes sense, now I feel dumb for not really realizing that.

My INTJ friend once told me that he admired this quality about me, because all of our younger friends tended to be loyal to me in more of a "mutual" sense, rather than more of a "submissive" sense like they were to him. He told me he disliked coming across as being so cold, and sometimes wished he could be more caring and understanding of other's feelings like I was.

I admire that too, I wish I was more balanced and able to understand other's feelings better, and my own feelings also.

I replied explaining that in addition to being more submissive to him, those younger friends were also much quicker in attaining a natural respect for him; something that INFPs take longer to acquire of people (and even once attained, it is never at the same level of respect as it is for the INTJ).

I'm curious if there are any more details to this fact, the fact that INFPs take longer to gain respect and to a lesser degree. I think I could figure it out, but I'm curious as to your insight about it.

Then my INTP friend conveniently concluded for us that we simply oppose eachother's strengths and weaknesses in these kinds of areas, and that's why we are eachother's "advisors".

Guess I'm to mean, and critical, when I advise my INFP friend, it's always taken the wrong way as an attack or insult. Sigh.
 

thejames

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Jun 27, 2008
Messages
17
MBTI Type
INFP
Well, I think the reason why INTJs tend to naturally gain more respect is because they come across as role-models, being so confident in themselves and rarely showing self-weakness.

INTJs have an uncanny ability to rise above stereotyping; thus it doesn't effect them. This is a distinct strength that makes you folk stand out. My INTJ friend wouldn't give a rat's ass what anyone thought about him unless HE valued them to begin with.

I think that is a natural-born wisdom you INTJs possess, making you the beacons that attract the rest of society.

Other types will constantly see you and ask, "Why is he so confident, even in the face of mass opposition? I wish I knew myself that well; believed in myself as much to display that kind of courage."

Therein lies the secret, I think. My INTJ friend was hilarious as hell whenever someone misjudged him. His favorite saying seemed to be,

"Whatever, dawg. I really don't give a shit." What made it so funny was the tone he carried while saying it. It always had a hint of laughter in it.

Now, whenever close friends would confront him with a problem, he would be the best of listeners, and always take what we said to heart.

INTJs know where to place their trust, which is perhaps another reason why they get so much respect.


Also, your straight-fowardness is probably just what your INFP friend needs, especially if he thinks you are trying to insult him. INFPs have a natural tendency to take criticism personally rather than objectively. They all need to overcome this, or their emotions will go crazy and become difficult to control.

I call it the classic case of INFP paranoia, due to insecurity and a skewed longing for peace and perfection in all things.

Applying logical interpretation to criticism will do tremendous wonders for your INFP friend.
 

DigitalMethod

Content. Content?
Joined
May 4, 2008
Messages
970
MBTI Type
INTJ
I don't think it's as much we know ourselves as it is us trusting our intuition. I really don't know my feelings all that well. I expressed that to my friend, I think it turned them off.
 

thejames

New member
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Jun 27, 2008
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17
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INFP
Interesting. What you said about trusting your intuition rather than simply knowing yourself makes sense. I guess it would be jumping to conclusions to assume that INTJs know themselves better than all other types.

Well, any kind of friend who is turned off by your simple honesty probably isn't too selfless (at least if they are the NF type, because NFs are suppost to be most in tune with other's feelings).

So if you were being honest about your feelings by trying to explain that you don't know them all that well, and an NF is turned off by it, I'd say they're not utilizing their tendencies properly.


This INFP finds admirable the man who chooses to express his lack of understanding, because it causes him to ask questions.

Seeking the right questions is a far more important task to me than seeking answers. This is because people looking for answers already have an idea of what they want to find.

True strength is in the unknown, and no one should feel ashamed for accepting this. Weakness is found only when men take pride in what they know. Wisdom is accepting that knowledge is not something tangible, but rather something limited to our human understanding of concepts and pattern-in-chaos.

Might be getting kinda random at this point, but hey, its nice to talk some philosophy on this kind of issue.
 

Firelie

Magical
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
836
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5
I've cut people out of my life before, sometimes ruthlessly. Most of the time I only do it with acquaintances that I've become bored of, though I've done it with friends before as well when they started becoming a negative influence in my life.

It used to be a lot easier to do when my family moved every few years. Now the people I don't really care to talk to anymore tend to hunt me down via email and/or myspace.

I have this one friend that I don't really want to cut out, but the only way she wants to communicate with me by phone and I can barely stand phone conversations with regular people, much less her....I don't know how to put that to her delicately, but she doesn't want to talk by email, so she's sorta halfway cut and I really don't like that state of being.
 

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
I've cut people out of my life before, sometimes ruthlessly. Most of the time I only do it with acquaintances that I've become bored of, though I've done it with friends before as well when they started becoming a negative influence in my life.

Me, too. I think a lot of it is knowing that I really only have a certain amount of energy, and none of that will be allotted to dealing with drama.

It used to be a lot easier to do when my family moved every few years. Now the people I don't really care to talk to anymore tend to hunt me down via email and/or myspace.

It really is very often "out of sight, out of mind," for me, a lot of times. For closer friends that I've moved away from, I might think of them often, but unless we email daily, I probably won't remain close to them. IM is even better, if you want to stay in touch with me.

I have this one friend that I don't really want to cut out, but the only way she wants to communicate with me by phone and I can barely stand phone conversations with regular people, much less her....I don't know how to put that to her delicately, but she doesn't want to talk by email, so she's sorta halfway cut and I really don't like that state of being.

I am so with you on that. I hate the phone a LOT. There are maybe two people in the world that I'll sit around and talk on the phone to. I'd much rather email or IM, but there are others that really feel like they're not talking to you unless it's by phone or in person. I just feel like the phone is such a time-suck. And I'm far more self-conscious on the phone.

I had a friend who ended up being cut who was a big phone person. I think she liked the phone b/c she was HIGHLY emo, and if she told you her problems over the phone, you could hear her voice break, etc, and then you were supposed to feel sorry for her and give her loads of attention. And then when she was done sucking you dry of your energy, she'd call another friend and tell the same story. I definitely do not have enough energy or patience to deal with that.
 

Firelie

Magical
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
836
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INTJ
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5
I just feel like the phone is such a time-suck. And I'm far more self-conscious on the phone.

I had a friend who ended up being cut who was a big phone person. I think she liked the phone b/c she was HIGHLY emo, and if she told you her problems over the phone, you could hear her voice break, etc, and then you were supposed to feel sorry for her and give her loads of attention. And then when she was done sucking you dry of your energy, she'd call another friend and tell the same story. I definitely do not have enough energy or patience to deal with that.

Definitely. This girl is like that, too, except she doesn't have drama, just inane everyday stuff that is so deadly boring that I could literally play video games while talking to her on the phone and end up with the same amount of information at the end of the 2-hour conversation. Plus she has a tendency to sit in the most occupied room of wherever she happens to be at the time and talk to both me and the other people in the room (also handing the phone off to them, at times, like I care to talk to strangers or something), so it's just annoyance all over...

Okay, that's enough ranting for one day. :steam:
 

phoenix13

New member
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Mar 31, 2008
Messages
1,293
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7w8
For what it's worth, I do exactly the same thing. For me, it's a matter of not wanting to waste energy tending to an unfulfilling relationship.

I also hate being someone's "friend" just because I tend to cheer them up, or because they find me amusing when I'm getting nothing out of it save boredom. I'm not a friggin' clown for their amusement!

I'm not bitter...
 

phoenix13

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Mar 31, 2008
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1,293
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7w8
I have this one friend that I don't really want to cut out, but the only way she wants to communicate with me by phone and I can barely stand phone conversations with regular people, much less her....

Oh god... I wish I could express just how much that resonates with me. I don't understand it, but people seem totally comfortable calling me with NOTHING to say. Yes, they just call to talk, but there's nothing to talk about, because we have nothing in common, and they're not my friend. I can't stand small talk, and small talk laced with awkward silences is perhaps the most painful, miserable waste of time in the entire solar system... YET THEY STILL CALL!!! ...and they wonder why I never answer my phone. I also stopped using IM a few years ago for that same reason.

I'm not bitter...

Oh yeah, and I apologize for posting on the rationals board. I just wanted you to know you're not alone... I'm here for you :tongue:
 

Firelie

Magical
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
836
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INTJ
Enneagram
5
phoenix13 - Very easy solution...don't give your number out. :D The only people that have mine are my immediate family, relatively close friends, and people I need to meet up with for some reason. For others, I make it very clear that I don't choose to communicate by phone and offer my email instead and/or add them on myspace.
 

Splittet

Wannabe genius
Joined
Jun 12, 2007
Messages
632
MBTI Type
INTJ
I do it. It doesn't really seem that uncommon though. But too much people stresses me, and when it's no longer enjoyable interacting with people and it becomes a chore, I tend to cut them out. I usually don't fully ignore them, I just don't show any initiative toward them, and answer anything shortly.
 
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