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Thread: Ask an INTJ

  1. #471
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    What do you INTJ's most appreciate/need in times when you are really really down and upset about things, feel you've screwed something up, and have reached a point of near-apathy as a result? (after having gone through frustration/extreme anger?) What don't you appreciate/what does not help? (this is specifically work related for him, but you can take this and apply it to your life in general, because for him, it all ties together anyway).

    I know what I have done in similar situations in the past, I am just wondering if it actually IS what you most need so would like to hear your thoughts.
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  2. #472
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    What do you INTJ's most appreciate/need in times when you are really really down and upset about things, feel you've screwed something up, and have reached a point of near-apathy as a result? (after having gone through frustration/extreme anger?) What don't you appreciate/what does not help? (this is specifically work related for him, but you can take this and apply it to your life in general, because for him, it all ties together anyway).

    I know what I have done in similar situations in the past, I am just wondering if it actually IS what you most need so would like to hear your thoughts.
    For me, the best help in such a situation is help to take my thoughts away from what is troubling me. And now that INTJs think quite a lot and are somewhat stubborn about that, I need it to be very intensive and also somewhat addictive. It has to give something to concentrate on and it needs to be interesting enough to keep me in.

    Sometimes an action thriller does the job, sometimes a discussion about something, sometimes it can be outdoor activities that make me use my senses intensively enough not to have time to think anything but things at hand.

    Another thing that helps me quite often is help in figuring out a plan b. I mean, if I am really upset, I have not failed only a single task but I also believe that failing that one task has taken me significantly farther away from some greater goal of mine. In that case, telling me about all the other things I have been successful at doesn't help at all, but if you can help me see a light at the end of the tunnel regarding the particular goal that has upset me, you will most probably manage to help me.

    As for what doesn't help, I have no answer right now.

  3. #473
    Senior Member Uytuun's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    What do you INTJ's most appreciate/need in times when you are really really down and upset about things, feel you've screwed something up, and have reached a point of near-apathy as a result? (after having gone through frustration/extreme anger?) What don't you appreciate/what does not help? (this is specifically work related for him, but you can take this and apply it to your life in general, because for him, it all ties together anyway).

    I know what I have done in similar situations in the past, I am just wondering if it actually IS what you most need so would like to hear your thoughts.
    A combined approach of listening to the problem, giving me some time to process, affirming me by doing small nice things that mean something (he would have to be extremely upset not to snap out of it by something that's real, vulnerable, loving and considerate from your side...that really comes from within you and celebrates your connection), taking my mind off the problem (by tapping into things that speak to me apart from work), relativising the problem through humour (this is not the same as making light of the feewungs), strategising to find a solution.

    Vaguely in that order.

    What doesn't work is "making light of the feewungs" or judging me.

  4. #474
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    What do you INTJ's most appreciate/need in times when you are really really down and upset about things, feel you've screwed something up, and have reached a point of near-apathy as a result? (after having gone through frustration/extreme anger?) What don't you appreciate/what does not help? (this is specifically work related for him, but you can take this and apply it to your life in general, because for him, it all ties together anyway).

    I know what I have done in similar situations in the past, I am just wondering if it actually IS what you most need so would like to hear your thoughts.
    I don't want hugs and I don't want "I'm sorry". They don't help at all. Hear me out and if you have a real suggestion for the problem/issue, I will listen. Taking my mind off things usually doesn't help either but a quiet activity like a nap with someone close to me does help.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  5. #475
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    How does an INTJ break out of a Ni-Fi loop?

  6. #476
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    What do you INTJ's most appreciate/need in times when you are really really down and upset about things, feel you've screwed something up, and have reached a point of near-apathy as a result? (after having gone through frustration/extreme anger?) What don't you appreciate/what does not help? (this is specifically work related for him, but you can take this and apply it to your life in general, because for him, it all ties together anyway).

    I know what I have done in similar situations in the past, I am just wondering if it actually IS what you most need so would like to hear your thoughts.
    What I do for myself:
    "What the [expletive] do you think you're doing, moping around about some [expletive] [expletive] of a [problem]? This does not matter to you! You're [expletive] better than this, and you're not going to let this [expletive] [problem] get you down. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go do something productive, you [expletive] [expletive] [expletive]."

    What I like from others (female, close):
    "There, there." [hug] "Let's sit down and talk about this, and I'll suggest a few solutions tentatively while you lean on my shoulder, both physically and figuratively. You don't have to be my rock all the time. I'm here for you."

    (male, close):
    Let's go blow some [expletive] up! Eat, drink and be merry because tonight we don't care about our problems! We'll get your mind off of it."

    (male/female, acquaintance):
    Jack Squat. Leave me alone, unless I asked for your suggestion or could actually make use of your advice (i.e., you've had more experience in a situation, or are older, etc)

    So, it boils down to this: get my mind off of it, whether that be through talking it over with me and providing some suggestions and sympathy or by partying or doing other stuff that'd be better than letting me think more on the problem. From girls, hugs are always, always, always helpful. From girlfriends, cuddling is excellent. From guys, being bros really helps, but after I've had time to box things up and do some damage control in the situation.

    I also love advice (from the right people, and from multiple trusted sources) so I can get a good picture of what my response should be, if other than my default personal one.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenaphor View Post
    How does an INTJ break out of a Ni-Fi loop?
    Generally by talking myself out of it. I'll become aware that I'm in a downward feedback spiral, and then just tell myself to stop and gradually psych myself up and away from it, a-la method one above.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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  7. #477
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Engineer View Post
    Generally by talking myself out of it. I'll become aware that I'm in a downward feedback spiral, and then just tell myself to stop and gradually psych myself up and away from it, a-la method one above.
    To summarise, you leverage off Te, right?

  8. #478
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenaphor View Post
    To summarise, you leverage off Te, right?
    Pretty much, yes. Like using your momentum on a swingset to fly off of the swing.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Ego Reparate; Ob Me Non Deficiat.
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    "Yeah, wisdom always chooses/These black eyes and these bruises"
    "Over the heartache that they say/Never completely goes away..."

  9. #479
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Engineer View Post
    Pretty much, yes. Like using your momentum on a swingset to fly off of the swing.
    Have you ever found yourself acting out with Se or misdirected Te?

  10. #480
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenaphor View Post
    Have you ever found yourself acting out with Se or misdirected Te?
    Yeah... Sometimes in my leveraging, I can turn that self-frustration on somebody else via weapons-grade sarcasm and cutting remarks. Generally I'll just be an ass if I do that, and I'm not ever proud of what happens when I do. It's not their fault I'm feeling this way, I have to remind myself.
    And, of course, I'll start to get paranoid and project bad motives onto people that don't really feel hostile towards me... Though I'm not sure if that's just me being a 6 that affects that particular (mis)usage of Se.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Ego Reparate; Ob Me Non Deficiat.
    INTJ - RCOEI - sx/sp/so - Tritype: 683 (6w5-8w9-3w4) - True Neutral
    "Yeah, wisdom always chooses/These black eyes and these bruises"
    "Over the heartache that they say/Never completely goes away..."

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