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Thread: Ask an INTJ

  1. #271
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    OK, here's an INTJ question. I think one of my boys is an INTJ and he sees absolutely no value in being "nice" to people, (although he can't stand to see animals mistreated). Is there any way to get him to value being nice to people, or is this a lost cause?

    Also, do I ignore the eye rolling, "I'm smarter than you," attitudes, or do I have consequences for it? I generally go with the consequences, teaching him not to be rude, but I am wondering if ignoring it would be the better tactic.

  2. #272
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    OK, here's an INTJ question. I think one of my boys is an INTJ and he sees absolutely no value in being "nice" to people, (although he can't stand to see animals mistreated). Is there any way to get him to value being nice to people, or is this a lost cause?

    Also, do I ignore the eye rolling, "I'm smarter than you," attitudes, or do I have consequences for it? I generally go with the consequences, teaching him not to be rude, but I am wondering if ignoring it would be the better tactic.
    If it's a teenager, I don't know what you can do about the eye rolling. They need to figure out themselves they don't know everything which just takes time. It's asserting their independence or something.

    What do you mean by "nice" exactly?

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  3. #273
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    OK, here's an INTJ question. I think one of my boys is an INTJ and he sees absolutely no value in being "nice" to people, (although he can't stand to see animals mistreated). Is there any way to get him to value being nice to people, or is this a lost cause?
    Tell him that the less people know how much he detests them, the less likely they are to wish him ill. One can despise people in silence until it becomes necessary to voice one's true opinions; in the meantime, it is preferable to be thought of as kind.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    Also, do I ignore the eye rolling, "I'm smarter than you," attitudes, or do I have consequences for it? I generally go with the consequences, teaching him not to be rude, but I am wondering if ignoring it would be the better tactic.
    Ask for its meaning, aks for his reasoning. If he has an earnest complaint, take it seriously; if not, do whatever mothers do to misbehaving children.

  4. #274
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalach View Post
    I can't beat this answer.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    OK, here's an INTJ question. I think one of my boys is an INTJ and he sees absolutely no value in being "nice" to people, (although he can't stand to see animals mistreated). Is there any way to get him to value being nice to people, or is this a lost cause?
    I can suggest taking passive method...just wait until something really awful/world shattering/difficult happens to him and he finally realizes that he actually needs other people. When he realizes that he needs the support of other human beings it will suddenly become very clear why he should be nice to em. I think young INTJs operate under a special kind of "I can do anything and I do not need anyone's help with anything ever ever" self confidence. Which is pretty cool, but also unrealistic and insufferable.

    Or, just remind him that humans are furry little animals that he should try to treat well. Because much like Spot, they will eventually die. Spot needs food and cuddles, humans need you to consider their feelings. Same thing basically.

    Also, do I ignore the eye rolling, "I'm smarter than you," attitudes, or do I have consequences for it? I generally go with the consequences, teaching him not to be rude, but I am wondering if ignoring it would be the better tactic.
    Hm. This one is tough because I'm not sure how I learned to not come off that way. My mother used to say things and I'd react with "I know" because a lot of the time, I did know, in part, what she was talking about and listening to her tell me something I knew was tedious. But the thing is, the reason it was tedious was not just because I was a jerk, it was because I desperately needed to hear something new, something further. I'd say if he starts reacting that way, let him know it's okay to actually converse. If he gets what you're saying, he should reiterate and confirm, because that's what people do when they converse right? And always encourage him to ask questions about the topic at hand, because what he really craves is new information. Little INTJ brains are like massive amazing sponges that need lots of stimulation to keep them engaged. And an INTJ in a state of engagement, of asking questions and satisfying curiosity, won't be able to be rude (fascination=humility).

    Also, keep pushing consequences. My mom was kind of a pushover, and she really should have gat my ass in line when I made dumb statements about things I didn't understand. I could have taken it.
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

  5. #275
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    To Lily, a "not all" effort would be a better tactic. If he is forcing his understanding on the majority of people, he will need to first learn he is not the only one seeing things his way.

    You don't have to be stern, just respectful and understanding. If you want to get through to him, show him better qualities than he already is aware of. Those being one sided perspectives and irrational it is just because.

    You probably can't discipline him, cause that wont work. Just get to know him, and then show him something better.

  6. #276
    Senior Member Thisica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 01011010 View Post
    Let's see, we could duel with pipettes filled with red kool-aid instead. Yes, it sounds absurd, but I'm positive you have longer arms than me which means you have a better chance of striking first. The winner would be decided by first stain. That evens the field.
    Pipettes, huh? What about a full-blown chemical lab equipment war? Just imagine...

    Have a random group of people [well-protected, of course!], and get each one of them a lovely chemical tool to fight/throw with: burettes, chromatography column, retort stand, boss heads...you name it. Get half of the group at one end of the lab, and half at the other end, and on the whistle, they run to battle!

    To be frank though, I don't see why you'll need to But I can seriously imagine [oxymoronic, all right...] such a badly-fought conflict
    “To explain all nature is too difficult a task for any one man or even for any one age. 'Tis much better to do a little with certainty, & leave the rest for others that come after you, than to explain all things by conjecture without making sure of any thing.”—Statement from unpublished notes for the Preface to the Opticks (1704) by Newton.

    What do you think about me? And for the darker side, here.

  7. #277
    Senior Member Wanderer's Avatar
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    Hmm. Apologies if these questions have been asked before - I read half the thread, I do plan on reading the rest. There's a lot of data to be mined here though, so I'm inclined to take my time.

    Right. So I find myself in friendships with an extraordinary number of INTJ's - 2 out of my 3 closest/longtime friends are INTJ's, and several of my casual friends here at college are also INTJ's. Is there one personality type that INTJ's tend to get along with best? I'm trying to figure out why I would have a disproportionate number of such a statistically small portion of the personality spectrum as friends. Not that it's a bad thing. Just curious

    Also; Would a pairing of an INTJ female and an ISTJ male work out?

  8. #278
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    I have a question.

    I have lots of INTJ friends, and I interact with lots of INTJs on this forum, but I can sometimes get annoyed with them because of this communication style difference: When I'm explaining something, or I want to make something clear, or if I want to convince someone of something, I put a lot of care into what I say, and I tend to say a lot. Not "wall of text" style, but enough to explain all the details of what I think about something. I have a reputation among some of my friends for giving paragraph-long answers to basic questions like "Do you like hummus or tahini better?", because I don't feel like it's a full enough answer unless I explain WHY I feel the way I do. I also, for that reason, am always the last to finish the teacher evaluation on the last day of class, because I, from my perspective, care enough to say everything I think about it, for constructive purposes.

    Now, the communication difference I was talking about is: with many of the INTJs I know (both in real life and on the forum), I can sometimes have this style of interaction:

    Me: I really like this thing. Do you?
    INTJ: Oh god no. I HATE it.
    *pause as I wait for elaboration*
    Me: ... why do you hate it?
    INTJ: I just do.
    Me: *wanting to understand and completely unable to* But seriously. Why?

    And it ALWAYS takes that much effort to get them to elaborate. It seems like INTJs are often in that spot, especially in arguments, where someone's argument will be thoughtful and detailed and the INTJ will just respond "No. That's dumb." and then not say anything else, as if that's the end of the story.

    Again, not insulting INTJs, because I really like my INTJ friends. But what's the motivation behind that? The reason why it always frustrates me is that it seems dismissive and rude, and as if INTJs don't care enough to explain things - but I KNOW that's not the case, because INTJs aren't inconsiderate, and the INTJs I know are kind and intelligent people. But I'm left completely baffled by this - and especially with one of my INTJ friends, sometimes those interactions leave me wanting to yell at them "Would you stop being so dismissive and RESPECT me for once! I respect you, so why can't you respect me in return?!?"

    Please don't take this post the wrong way - I really want it to be clear that I'm not dissing INTJs, and I'm not trying to insult them. I'm just incredibly confused by this seeming lack of communication, and I'd like to know the INTJ side.
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  9. #279
    Member ultimawepun's Avatar
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    @EJCC

    Not all INTJ's, or introverts for that matter, are articulate. Not to mention that INTJ's are Ni dominant which makes it more difficult for them to express their thoughts. Even if they are able to express themselves, it does not necessarily mean that they'll be understood, which is why personally, I do not bother explaining to most of my acquaintances.

    EDIT: This also may be partly the reason why INTJ's seem close-minded. I can't speak for the behalf of all INTJ's, but I really am open-minded, but people seem to think otherwise because even if I understand their opinion, they can't understand mine.

  10. #280
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    But what's the motivation behind that?
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=1#post1407027

    To arrive at a conclusion is more important and much easier than to remember the steps one has taken to get there.

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