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  1. #1
    Junior Member Aggieb's Avatar
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    Default What is this INTJ really thinking?

    I am currently seeing an INTJ. I would somehow define our situation as NOT dating but going on dates.
    Bearing in mind he's in his late 30s and hence have dated many people and is quite used to putting himself out there (dating websites and services) even though he's still reserved when it comes to approaching women.

    He has told me that he's ready to settle down and start a family and definitely looking for THE ONE.
    Like all INTJs, I suspect that he probably has some ridiculously high standards for THE ONE.

    I feel that he has kinda ruled me out of the running. His reason being that I am not available (when we first met, I was discussing separation) but I have assured him many times that this is the least of our problem. Being intuitive, I am guessing there might be other reasons he's not willing to openly admit (I have a kid) or I don't match up to his standards, even to himself.

    What I don't get is this. Why does he still want to hang out with me? Didn't most if not all of the NTs here say that they would not waste their time pursuing something they think is not what they want?

    The aspects of our relationships has changed a few times over the last couple of months. Most recently, he said that he wants to pursue a meaningful ongoing r/s with me and cares deeply for me and has said a few times that he wants to make me happy. He also said that he has never had such deep, intelligent, emotional chats with anyone before and basically has never opened himself up this much to anyone before. He has also said that I am an amazing woman and that I would probably find someone before he does. He also made a long distanced call to me over NEW YEAR to have a quick chat. Needless to say, I was floored.

    He knows that I have romantic feelings for him and he is worried that I would get hurt. That's quite plain to me that he's not seeing me in that way. But he is attracted to me and we have darn good sexual chemistry together.

    He's very fond of asking me how I feel despite him not talking about how he feels. He's always the one to bring up discussing and re-defining our relationship and I'm going to have one of that again soon. I find it frankly exhausting. Because I am the one who talks more and I end up not knowing what he wants.

    Some friends have told me that this is a typical selfish user that's just keeping me around for his pleasure. What do you all think?

  2. #2
    royal member Rasofy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aggieb View Post
    I am currently seeing an INTJ. I would somehow define our situation as NOT dating but going on dates.
    Bearing in mind he's in his late 30s and hence have dated many people and is quite used to putting himself out there (dating websites and services) even though he's still reserved when it comes to approaching women.

    He has told me that he's ready to settle down and start a family and definitely looking for THE ONE.
    Like all INTJs, I suspect that he probably has some ridiculously high standards for THE ONE.

    I feel that he has kinda ruled me out of the running. His reason being that I am not available (when we first met, I was discussing separation) but I have assured him many times that this is the least of our problem. Being intuitive, I am guessing there might be other reasons he's not willing to openly admit (I have a kid) or I don't match up to his standards, even to himself.

    What I don't get is this. Why does he still want to hang out with me? Didn't most if not all of the NTs here say that they would not waste their time pursuing something they think is not what they want?

    The aspects of our relationships has changed a few times over the last couple of months. Most recently, he said that he wants to pursue a meaningful ongoing r/s with me and cares deeply for me and has said a few times that he wants to make me happy. He also said that he has never had such deep, intelligent, emotional chats with anyone before and basically has never opened himself up this much to anyone before. He has also said that I am an amazing woman and that I would probably find someone before he does. He also made a long distanced call to me over NEW YEAR to have a quick chat. Needless to say, I was floored.

    He knows that I have romantic feelings for him and he is worried that I would get hurt. That's quite plain to me that he's not seeing me in that way. But he is attracted to me and we have darn good sexual chemistry together.

    He's very fond of asking me how I feel despite him not talking about how he feels. He's always the one to bring up discussing and re-defining our relationship and I'm going to have one of that again soon. I find it frankly exhausting. Because I am the one who talks more and I end up not knowing what he wants.

    Some friends have told me that this is a typical selfish user that's just keeping me around for his pleasure. What do you all think?
    Sounds like he's just interested in sex.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Tough situation. He sounds like he really does love you for your mind. Sucks, doesn't it? and for whatever sexual chemistry you have. But if he can't stop talking to you, it's because he likes how the inside of your head feels to him.

    I would be dating other people if I were you, and maybe shutting down the candy store to him unless it's what YOU want at any given moment. Focus on how you feel, not on how he feels, and do what you feel in the moment.

    I hesitate to attribute bad motive. He probably doesn't see himself as a typical selfish user and might be surprised to find he appears that way. If it helps you separate from him to be angry and name call, then by all means, he's a rat bastard selfish user. But a guy who's worried you'll get hurt is going to hurt you. So just be aware. Only do what feels good to you and only if it really feels all the way good (in your head, heart, and mind) at the moment.

  4. #4
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    Isn't it just weird you tell him how you feel about him openly and often when he asks, yet he just couldn't figure out he is being a selfish user?
    Maybe add some other details which you share with your friends so that he gets a complete picture of himself in your mind.

    one's are not The One most of the time and they should learn to live with it.

  5. #5
    Senior Member pv255's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aggieb View Post
    Some friends have told me that this is a typical selfish user that's just keeping me around for his pleasure. What do you all think?
    I wouldn't say "typical", but you're spot on with the selfish part. My experience with INTJ's is either they worship you or they are indifferent about you, at which point they are just using you for their own needs. This doesnt mean they dont have a conscious. In exchange for fulfilling their needs, they will perform the acts they feel is an adequate trade off. i.e. you give love and affection in exchange for love and affection. an INTJ will go through the motions loving and affectionate people do, but will he truly love you?... maybe...

    An example of my sister (an INTJ). We got in a big fight a few Christmas's ago over something stupid. Later that day she came up to me to apologize. It was an empty apology to me, so I shrugged it off. Towards the end of the weekend she gets mad at me for something unrelated, and she reference that past incident as an example of my bad attitude and blamed me for everything. Her apology was a formality. Deep down she is still very righteous about her behavior, which is fine, so am I, but I wont fake it for the sake of faking it, she would. After she dishes out some verbal abuse, he husband intervenes and tells her she is being unreasonable. Her attitude completely changes. She reveres his opinion much much more than her family's. Shrug... In my opinion, if he hasnt taken meaningful steps to develop the relationship, he is just bidding time.

  6. #6
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    Tough situation. He sounds like he really does love you for your mind. Sucks, doesn't it? and for whatever sexual chemistry you have. But if he can't stop talking to you, it's because he likes how the inside of your head feels to him.

    I would be dating other people if I were you, and maybe shutting down the candy store to him unless it's what YOU want at any given moment. Focus on how you feel, not on how he feels, and do what you feel in the moment.

    I hesitate to attribute bad motive. He probably doesn't see himself as a typical selfish user and might be surprised to find he appears that way. If it helps you separate from him to be angry and name call, then by all means, he's a rat bastard selfish user. But a guy who's worried you'll get hurt is going to hurt you. So just be aware. Only do what feels good to you and only if it really feels all the way good (in your head, heart, and mind) at the moment.
    This is pretty good advice for your situation, I think. And @pv255 is spot on about why he's behaving the way he is. I have an INTJ friend that has a bad habit of stringing along girls because it suits his purpose for that time... I doubt he thinks he's doing anything wrong (who does?), and I couldn't really say how he justifies his behavior (e.g., he gave them warning that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he's not sharing too much about himself, he's actually doing the girl a favor by giving her a lot of praise, etc., etc.), but it doesn't change the fact that my friend is not in the relationship despite how much his behavior says he is. I wish I could tell you what the difference between when an INTJ is taking someone seriously or not, but I don't think there is any big rule of thumb. Follow your intuition here... sounds like it's telling you your answer.

    P.S. pv255 may be hinting at what that difference is though -- whether or not they take what you say seriously or not. And as with everyone, actual steps taken to show you're taking a relationship seriously is a good sign
    I have an inner monologue that sounds strikingly similar to something off Animal Planet.

  7. #7
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    hmm, never dated an INTJ, or a man for that matter, but... is it really that implausible that he ruled her out on paper initially and got attached as time went by?

  8. #8
    Senior Member pv255's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    hmm, never dated an INTJ, or a man for that matter, but... is it really that implausible that he ruled her out on paper initially and got attached as time went by?
    Completely plausible, but im probable in my opinion. When it comes to INTJ's, I'd judge their actions over their words. If they wanted to be closer to you, they would simply be closer.

  9. #9
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    ^ what he said.
    I have an inner monologue that sounds strikingly similar to something off Animal Planet.

  10. #10
    Senior Member pv255's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StephMC View Post
    ^ what he said.
    when did you become so agreeable?

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