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  1. #21
    Senior Member pv255's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aggieb View Post
    I wish I had come to this forum sooner. Before my feelings for him had developed this much.

    Well, no more games. It's over.
    Last night he said that we have developed into platonic friends. He's met someone that's a better fit for him-sexually. He seems smittened with her. This is all AFTER we had sex and he said it (was a test) and it has validated his feelings that we are not sexually compatible. That really screwed me up. I had failed a test I didn't know I was sitting and had proven to him the invalidation of his feelings about us. This really hit me hard. He didn't even understand why I took it so badly.

    On hindsight, I had chosen not to see what a selfish user he was. I tried my best to please him but not once had he shown his appreciation. Alot of words (texts) yes...but I didn't see any actions with his words. Now he wants to be bff and me to be someone he can confide in! Maybe he thinks it's a gentler way of letting me down. But you generally treat your bff or a good friend far better than how he treated me.

    He is an INTJ. He thought and tested INTP years ago but I recently showed him INTJ description which I think described him 99.99% and he agreed.
    Subscribe him to ever embarrassing advertisement genre. e.g. STDs, plan parenthood, some weird fetish, etc. Unless you're above revenge... sigh* what an asshat.

  2. #22
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aggieb View Post
    Last night he said that we have developed into platonic friends. He's met someone that's a better fit for him-sexually. He seems smittened with her. This is all AFTER we had sex and he said it (was a test) and it has validated his feelings that we are not sexually compatible. That really screwed me up. I had failed a test I didn't know I was sitting and had proven to him the invalidation of his feelings about us. This really hit me hard. He didn't even understand why I took it so badly.
    As someone on the INTJ side of relationships, I can tell you this behavior is not unusual. We test people all the time, generally without telling them, and sometimes without even doing it deliberately. I broke up with someone who failed such a test, though I didn't explain it in that way, and I certainly didn't expect to carry on any sort of relationship afterwards. I agree with others that you are well rid of this guy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aggieb View Post
    On hindsight, I had chosen not to see what a selfish user he was. I tried my best to please him but not once had he shown his appreciation. Alot of words (texts) yes...but I didn't see any actions with his words. Now he wants to be bff and me to be someone he can confide in! Maybe he thinks it's a gentler way of letting me down. But you generally treat your bff or a good friend far better than how he treated me.
    I have had (and still have) platonic male friends, people who confide in me even about relationships, and treat me more as a sister. The difference is that these relationships have always been of this nature, and have never had a romatic or sexual component. To me, it would be hard to go from the second to the first, though the opposite seems to work fine with the right person.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  3. #23
    Member Triforce's Avatar
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    Tests happen i guess. But you still treat the person as a person.

    When i broke up with my ex i cried. I felt like a traitor. SO not my idea about how to be as a person.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aggieb View Post
    I wish I had come to this forum sooner. Before my feelings for him had developed this much.

    Well, no more games. It's over.
    Last night he said that we have developed into platonic friends. He's met someone that's a better fit for him-sexually. He seems smittened with her. This is all AFTER we had sex and he said it (was a test) and it has validated his feelings that we are not sexually compatible. That really screwed me up. I had failed a test I didn't know I was sitting and had proven to him the invalidation of his feelings about us. This really hit me hard. He didn't even understand why I took it so badly.

    On hindsight, I had chosen not to see what a selfish user he was. I tried my best to please him but not once had he shown his appreciation. Alot of words (texts) yes...but I didn't see any actions with his words. Now he wants to be bff and me to be someone he can confide in! Maybe he thinks it's a gentler way of letting me down. But you generally treat your bff or a good friend far better than how he treated me.

    He is an INTJ. He thought and tested INTP years ago but I recently showed him INTJ description which I think described him 99.99% and he agreed.
    (With INTJs always assume you are being tested... It adds such a lovely veneer of paranoia to any friend/relationship. )

    I am sorry to hear about this development. It sounds very painful to be going through right now. However, I do think it is far better to face the pain now rather than have been left to hang on for more days/weeks/months.

    I find that with people one of my faults/gifts is that I tend to see the potential in other people and often that clouds out the reality of who they are right now. So I meet people that right here/right now.... aren't in the best of places, but I see such a future for them, and that's what I fixate on. It's something difficult and strange to reset the gaze onto the present moment of who this person is.

    Make sure to do some nice things for yourself - watch a movie that makes you cry - listen to Muse - take a bubble bath - read a dirty novel - go out with girlfriends - buy a small treat for yourself - etc.

  5. #25
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aggieb View Post

    The aspects of our relationships has changed a few times over the last couple of months. Most recently, he said that he wants to pursue a meaningful ongoing r/s with me and cares deeply for me and has said a few times that he wants to make me happy. He also said that he has never had such deep, intelligent, emotional chats with anyone before and basically has never opened himself up this much to anyone before. He has also said that I am an amazing woman and that I would probably find someone before he does. He also made a long distanced call to me over NEW YEAR to have a quick chat. Needless to say, I was floored.

    He knows that I have romantic feelings for him and he is worried that I would get hurt. That's quite plain to me that he's not seeing me in that way. But he is attracted to me and we have darn good sexual chemistry together.
    I'm sorry how things worked out. However, the statements above are thoroughly confusing to me given the end result you have described. I do not imagine an INTJ would say those things lightly and those are really important things. It's possible he will realize that he screwed up somewhere down the line. Maybe there is a reason he's in his late 30s and hasn't found any ONE.

    On the "tests" - I wouldn't get hung up on those words. It's obviously a very hurtful and stupid thing to say but I doubt he meant for it to be hurtful. He probably does have a list of things he is looking for with some kind of importance attached to each and he described some of them to you in some of what you said above. It's not just an emotional decision - it's a rational decision and there are a set of criteria - things you're looking for which I suppose would need to be validated in some way. I'm sure that sounds horribly unromantic but it's kind of how it works for an INTJ in a decision like this. It's possible he is doing his best to make what he feels is the best decision for both him and you. I wouldn't jump to some of the earlier stated negative conclusions on his motivations.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

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  6. #26
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    Sounds like he knew exactly what he wanted, and knew exactly how to get it. J for jerkface.

  7. #27
    Junior Member Aggieb's Avatar
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    Awwww.....Thank you guys sooo much! BIG HUGS to everyone. I feel so much better and comforted here, feels really good

    So to update, I am feeling okay. I have stopped beating myself up on my inadequacy...I am not what he's looking for, he's not what I want either.
    He's an arse for the way he handled things and me (sad thing is he doesn't get it at all).

    But I am not mad nor upset at him anymore because that would mean i am holding a grudge and frankly....that's a waste of time and energy.

    He's tried to talk to me and I have been civil....but NO WAY we are gonna be BFFs.....he has shown that he's a taker and not a giver. Unless he proves that he can give back too, which he won't and I know this from the things he's said. He's so egotistical that he thinks that by spending time talking to me, opening up and sharing, he's meeting my needs and giving back. LOL.... He's so out of this world.
    Also, in the past, when he said things like "I've never had such long, intellectual, emotional chats with anyone", "you've made me opened up like no one else has" I had thought that he was saying thank you but no. He would get mad at me for failing to recognize that he's actually paying me a compliment! Haha...did someone mention "personality deficit"? (edited to add: Oops...I remember that this IS in fact an INTJ trait. They think just by spending their time on you, texting, talking, they are doing you a favor...even though most of the time we were going through his shit.)

  8. #28
    Junior Member Aggieb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    (With INTJs always assume you are being tested... It adds such a lovely veneer of paranoia to any friend/relationship. )

    I am sorry to hear about this development. It sounds very painful to be going through right now. However, I do think it is far better to face the pain now rather than have been left to hang on for more days/weeks/months.

    I find that with people one of my faults/gifts is that I tend to see the potential in other people and often that clouds out the reality of who they are right now. So I meet people that right here/right now.... aren't in the best of places, but I see such a future for them, and that's what I fixate on. It's something difficult and strange to reset the gaze onto the present moment of who this person is.

    Make sure to do some nice things for yourself - watch a movie that makes you cry - listen to Muse - take a bubble bath - read a dirty novel - go out with girlfriends - buy a small treat for yourself - etc.
    You are so right. I think I am more INFP and NFPs tend to put people on a pedestal? We know the flaws and issues are there but we focus on the good things. We accept people as they are and look for the good qualities in them so that they stay on the pedestal.

    I drove back that night, put on Adele but I didn't cry. I tried to make myself cry but failed. I almost did when she sang "Someone like you" lol...but seriously...I DO NOT WANT another like him.

  9. #29
    WALMART
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    I am glad you have found closure on the subject. I advise taking the forever-wise @Saturned's words into consideration.


    Edit: Oh, you have. You must be wise as well.

  10. #30
    Junior Member Aggieb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    I'm sorry how things worked out. However, the statements above are thoroughly confusing to me given the end result you have described. I do not imagine an INTJ would say those things lightly and those are really important things. It's possible he will realize that he screwed up somewhere down the line. Maybe there is a reason he's in his late 30s and hasn't found any ONE.

    On the "tests" - I wouldn't get hung up on those words. It's obviously a very hurtful and stupid thing to say but I doubt he meant for it to be hurtful. He probably does have a list of things he is looking for with some kind of importance attached to each and he described some of them to you in some of what you said above. It's not just an emotional decision - it's a rational decision and there are a set of criteria - things you're looking for which I suppose would need to be validated in some way. I'm sure that sounds horribly unromantic but it's kind of how it works for an INTJ in a decision like this. It's possible he is doing his best to make what he feels is the best decision for both him and you. I wouldn't jump to some of the earlier stated negative conclusions on his motivations.
    I understand what you're saying and I totally agree this is what he's thinking.

    I think he truly meant what he said at that time. But I also think that these things have little value to him on the whole scheme of things in his life.

    But it doesn't change the fact that I felt used. He had to use my body to validate that he has no feelings for me. How does that make me feel? I am the cause of my own inadequacy to fulfill his needs and it had to be proven by "me".

    I don't want to go into explicit details....but what he did that night showed he had no respect for women. I knew he had gotten his answer halfway and he could have stopped. But he went on, did things (actions censored) purely for his own pleasure.

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