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  1. #31
    Lex Parsimoniae Xander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I don't know what the kids will think of him one day, when they have a better understanding of him putting his education and career dreams on hold so that they could have a better life, but I hope that he will get a little appreciation for it from them.
    Well it took me until I was in my early twenties to even realise his full character (it didn't help that he's so private but that's his choice). Hopefully your hubby is not the kind to give up too early as hopefully the pay off is well worth the wait.
    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    He certainly has it from me.
    That alone speaks volumes.
    (Ok wanted a nice smiley version of a pat on the head without being patronising... totally failed. Sorry.)

    Quote Originally Posted by terrencemcb View Post
    I don't want to take that first step until i'm sure my foot's on right.
    Now there's a problem I recognise

    That's the thing with trying to model mentally and predict what could happen to protect yourself.. plans, tactics and strategies don't survive first contact with the enemy (in this case the world). Try to cover your ass before you go on stage sure but don't forget that the aim is to get on stage and not to cover your ass (if you follow my drift).
    Isn't it time for a colourful metaphor?

  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xander View Post
    Ok let me be open with you (please don't take offence at any of this btw but it's concentrated experience).

    Your parents are individuals. They exists outside of the marriage. It would seem that neither is happy or that your father is being pecked for not conforming and your mother is stressed because life isn't all roses (that's part assumption, part intuition and partially what my parents were like). Basically the marriage has no effect at present. If you ask or confront they will probably evade (I'm not sure as I don't know them at all so forgive my inaccuracy). So to approach from the other end why not try to engage your parents as individuals? Watch a film with your father and then try to get him to open up about it. Ask him what film you should watch to experience "proper" scifi or something. Then do the same for and with your mother. Hopefully you'll get some positivity back into the household even if they do eventually break up.

    As for motivation, having happy parents is a wonderful thing to have through your life. Having parents who are depressed or miserable I'd think would have a conversely devastating effect on your life.

    Myself. I now have one living parent and I get on with him very well now. So well in fact that despite him being a private ENTJ kinda guy he told me that he thinks the marriage broke up cause they had kids too early (vicious or what!!!). Oh and he's a lot happier now... he's just on the prowl somedays which can be unnerving.
    oh jaja, i remember they're individuals. I've pondered about ways to re-bond and quickly realized that there's not much/ nothing we could all do together. So I've thought of ways to be with them each separately. I could kayak with my mother, and sculpt with my father.

    my dad evades the marriage subject, but my mom really likes to blow off steam about how dissatisfied she is. She wants the roses, yes, and to be treated like a fine lady, and my dad is a slap on the ass kind of guy, perhaps reservedly rowdy? no gentleman, and seemingly unwilling to make behavioral compromises.

    your guess was good. about the movies too. he's borderline connoisseur. he loves to discourse about films and there I can't accommodate because i inherited none of his eloquence (verbal) or quick-draw analysis skills.

    (vicious or what!!!)= haha mine had kids too early as well; i was almost a bastard.

    contraception failed their premarital escapades

  3. #33
    Lex Parsimoniae Xander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by terrencemcb View Post
    oh jaja, i remember they're individuals. I've pondered about ways to re-bond and quickly realized that there's not much/ nothing we could all do together. So I've thought of ways to be with them each separately. I could kayak with my mother, and sculpt with my father.
    Trust me start trying. I soo wish I'd pain more attention when I'd found out my mother was going on a thirty mile drive to take walks on the beach by herself (we're talking british coastline.. hardly likely to be sunbathing ). I wish I'd been at home then so that I could be a person she could take with her. I wish I'd paid more attention to my father's sporting hobbies so I was half cop with a bat and closer to him.

    Oh and plus if your trying already, should they object then you should feel more confident in yourself than if you hadn't because you are then trying to do the right thing. Of course if it goes right then hopefully everyone is a lot happier.
    Quote Originally Posted by terrencemcb View Post
    my dad evades the marriage subject, but my mom really likes to blow off steam about how dissatisfied she is. She wants the roses, yes, and to be treated like a fine lady, and my dad is a slap on the ass kind of guy, perhaps reservedly rowdy? no gentleman, and seemingly unwilling to make behavioral compromises.
    What is it they say? "A man marries the woman he fell in love with, a woman marries someone she hopes to mould into the person she loves" (Something like that anyhow).

    Sounds like they weren't really paying attention when they started the relationship or that somehow they've parted philosophies at some point. It's a shame but it's more of a shame if they allow it to make themselves miserable. That's the bit you can help with. Though tread softly, it a minefield and some f** keeps moving the things around!
    Quote Originally Posted by terrencemcb View Post
    your guess was good. about the movies too. he's borderline connoisseur. he loves to discourse about films and there I can't accommodate because i inherited none of his eloquence (verbal) or quick-draw analysis skills.
    It's not a competition, or at least it shouldn't be. If he becomes awkward in his speaking (esp if it's deliberate) then ask him to reiterate.

    My father was always far better at DIY than I was. He still has a hell of a lot to teach me but now I can pick up all those bad habits... he's stopped being so dogmatic with me
    Quote Originally Posted by terrencemcb View Post
    (vicious or what!!!)= haha mine had kids too early as well; i was almost a bastard.

    contraception failed their premarital escapades
    I always thought that'd be kinda cool. Xander the Bastard. See it even has a nice ring to it
    Isn't it time for a colourful metaphor?

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xander View Post
    Well it took me until I was in my early twenties to even realise his full character...
    how old were you exactly when you began to realize?

    Quote Originally Posted by terrencemcb View Post
    I don't want to take that first step until i'm sure my foot's on right.
    Quote Originally Posted by Xander View Post
    Now there's a problem I recognise

    That's the thing with trying to model mentally and predict what could happen to protect yourself.. plans, tactics and strategies don't survive first contact with the enemy (in this case the world). Try to cover your ass before you go on stage sure but don't forget that the aim is to get on stage and not to cover your ass (if you follow my drift).
    thank you very very much--i like that advice.

    are you a veteran?

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xander View Post
    I always thought that'd be kinda cool. Xander the Bastard. See it even has a nice ring to it
    ja ^^ i wanted to be Terrence the bastard. I was bummed when i checked and found that they would have had to be unmarried at my birth, not just conception.

  6. #36
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xander View Post
    I always thought that'd be kinda cool. Xander the Bastard. See it even has a nice ring to it
    Quote Originally Posted by terrencemcb View Post
    ja ^^ i wanted to be Terrence the bastard. I was bummed when i checked and found that they would have had to be unmarried at my birth, not just conception.
    Wow, I never thought that was something anyone would envy about me.

    Heather the Bastard at your service.

    My dad was not aware of my existence until I was a full nine months old. The surprise of it all caused him to question my paternity, and my mother reacted by huffing off and not contacting him again until I was 27 years old. If the two of them ever married, I would leave flee the country.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Wow, I never thought that was something anyone would envy about me.

    Heather the Bastard at your service.

    My dad was not aware of my existence until I was a full nine months old. The surprise of it all caused him to question my paternity, and my mother reacted by huffing off and not contacting him again until I was 27 years old. If the two of them ever married, I would leave flee the country.
    haha you are cooler now! men want to be real bastards because of that romantic eastwood persona--the man with no name. a dude out of nowhere, with nothing to lose = tough guy

    you should change your username to heather the bastard. that sounds so good : D

  8. #38
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by terrencemcb View Post
    haha you are cooler now! men want to be real bastards because of that romantic eastwood persona--the man with no name. a dude out of nowhere, with nothing to lose = tough guy

    you should change your username to heather the bastard. that sounds so good : D
    Yes, I can just see it now: I'm at parent-teacher conferences. The teacher addresses me as Mrs. ________ and I say, "Let's not be so formal. Please. Call me Heather the Bastard. What shall I call you?"

    :yim_rolling_on_the_
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #39
    Lex Parsimoniae Xander's Avatar
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    I always wondered who htb was. It's your alternate posting name isn't it Cafe
    Isn't it time for a colourful metaphor?

  10. #40
    Lex Parsimoniae Xander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by terrencemcb View Post
    how old were you exactly when you began to realize?
    Precision? Hi, I'm a P. I find it hard to remember last week.

    I'd guess it was early to mid teens when I started thinking that there was more than just the mask there. Mind you ENTJs are hardly the easiest people to penetrate the defences on. Esp if your another T!
    thank you very very much--i like that advice.

    are you a veteran?
    I still do it. It's in my nature. I plan and analyse soo much that by the time it comes around to doing something.. I've lost interest.

    I'm getting that bad that now even when I buy myself something new for my computer that when it comes time to assemble it I'm no longer excited. I've researched and thought the life out of it!

    Basically INTPs do well from learning a few of the positive aspects of ESFJs. So sometimes just grab the subject by the nuts and swing them a few times to see how well it goes rather than drawing a 3 dimensional model and using physics to predict it. It takes less time and usually is more fun
    Isn't it time for a colourful metaphor?

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