[ENTP] Asked out by ENTP - unsure of my reply

[JAVO]

As an eNTP male, I think what Amargith described is a great approach.

 

[lingerer]

We met up and chatted yesterday for a couple of hours. I brought up the lack of emotional connection and friend vibes sense I had. He admitted that showing emotion and processing it is something that doesn't come so easily to him, saying that it's not that emotion isn't there, it's just that it takes him a long time to process it and figure out what it is. He did say that he thought there was something emotional going on there for him, because he's had 'intellectual' connections with girls before and never felt the need to ask them out.

Where we left it was that we'd keep hanging out and talking and see how it goes. He said that there was no pressure and that the ball is in my court... The thing is I am genuinely unsure, and do want to hang out more and see what it's like, but I'm worried about keeping him in a limbo state.

 

[JAVO]

...I'm worried about keeping him in a limbo state.

Why? That is the NTP's native state.

 

[lingerer]

Why? That is the NTP's native state.

Touche

Well I was thinking about how he said he's effectively been in lockdown for the last few weeks trying to understand what's up and what he should do about it, and sort of half-joked that I'd caused him a lot of stress recently.

Then again I was trying to tell him that I didn't really want to cause him so much stress, and he replied that it's fine and he prefers it to being bored. Although it sounds like it's been a pretty intense period of time for him he seems to get something out of the brainwork. So maybe the limbo is okay....... I suppose I wonder if there's a point at which it becomes less of the "interesting mindfood" and more of the "toying with feelings". I should trust him to work out his own limits I suppose.

 

[Amargith]

Sounds good. At least you were upfront and honest with him. Dont worry about him, he has agreed to be in limbo. Focus on you, and figure out how you feel. Actually, scratch that, focus on you two. Go do stuff together, talk to him. See if there is something there. And not just friendship, or a fix for loneliness, either.

Put that Ni to work, girl, and envision your future...either with, or without him

 

[Betty Blue]

Oh Lingerer, you helped him be more interested. He will now be working out how to establish that connection or how to decieve you into thinking he has

He could be doing some genuine soul searching too, what ever the case, i'd say it is clear he is into you.

 

[lingerer]

I love how both you ENFPs used the pink-haired face

That's a good suggestion Amargith. I think the Ni has been somewhat suppressed this last while as life has been pretty stressful. I always find it weird how one's dominant, most naturally expressed function is also the first to go walkabout when things get stressful. That doesn't seem helpful. Anyway, back on track.

I can see what you're saying HelenOfTroy, it definitely seems like there is a lot of potential for that. But I'm pretty confident that he's not looking to contrive a relationship, and that he's been straight-up with me so far.

Yeah I have to come to the conclusion that he is into me, but it's not something that I can read or feel from him. It's such a strange position to be in... to have someone confess their interest, treat you really well and make themselves open to you.... but still feel like you don't have any sense of their feelings or what they're actually experiencing inside themselves. I'm pretty bad at reading INTPs too so maybe this is something between me and xNTPs.

 

[lingerer]

Update.

We've hung out a bit more since then.

I've been confused about something I don't think I should feel confused about.

He's been very considerate and helpful. There are events and organising things that I'm involved in, he comes to them and offers to help out. When we hang out he seems happy to stay around until I say I need to go, unless he has a clear commitment on at scheduled time. He remembers things I've said and will bring them up. I've talked to him a couple of times about how close I am to my cat (he's the only family I have here at the moment), when he came around to my place for a gathering he seemed to make a deliberate effort to spend time with my cat and offered to take care of him when I'd be away at a certain time. He seems to watch for my reactions to things during group conversations, because he'll bring up a facial expression I'm making or start laughing because of something I'm doing.

This is all very confusing to me because I've never experienced this before - this level of attentiveness, support and interest in me as a person. I'm also confused because while it would all seem to indicate he likes me quite a lot, I don't feel attraction coming from him. I get that he definitely enjoys my company. With guys who have wanted me in the past I have been able to feel it, with him it's just like he's a preternaturally helpful and friendly guy. We have had a few little chats about the difference between friend and more-than, I've told him him that the physical side to things is pretty important to me. He's said that that's not something he thinks about or focuses on much, but that he'd be happy for it to come and thinks it's something that develops naturally with time. I guess it confuses me to see someone behave in such a motivated way without sensing the physical attraction.

As for how I feel... I have had moments of feeling attracted to him and a bit nervous around him. He's really easy to be around and there's this nice, restful feeling that comes from that. It also seems like we can talk about practically anything, taboo stuff included, and we're both relaxed about it and can be lighthearted about it. I still find it hard to envision a future because I'm still not sure if there's a romantic element there and because we're at different stages of life. And of course there's the question of whether he is less sex-inclined than I am or if this impression is related to his lack of experience.

Anyway this has been quite an interesting, eye-opening and pleasant experience so far. I feel quite lucky to have gotten to experience being treated well by a good guy.

 

[Il Morto Che Parla]

A few days ago an ENTP guy asked me out. We've known each other as acquaintances in graduate school for 2 years, but a month ago ended up hanging out and chatting as part of a small group of friends quite intensively over the course of a week. I could feel some sort of special interest from him in that week, and in the way he communicated with me afterwards. Thought I'd wait and see if anything happened.

We've both been variously sick and busy in the last month, and have only caught up briefly the last couple of weeks.

So this last time we hung out he told me he liked me, that he thinks I'm a very strong and interesting person, that we have a surprising amount in common and that he thinks that it'd be good to be together because we'd let each other be individuals and do our own thing while encouraging each other. He said he hadn't been aware of his feelings during that week of increased interaction but that in the month since then it's been all he can think about, it'd been eating away at him.

He made it clear that he had been quite happy being single and that the fact that he couldn't stop thinking about his interest and couldn't find ways to shoot it down meant that it was a genuine, "not silly" interest and that he had to let me know. So essentially he asked if there was a possibility that this could be more than friends. He said he'd just like to get to know me better and see how things go. He cast it all in a very open-ended light and said that he only had the one stipulation of exclusivity.

I asked him some questions. Went on a bit of a ramble. Then asked him if I could have some time to think about it - he replied very positively, saying that he'd prefer that I take time to think about it.

So, what's the problem? I'm unsure of my reply. We do have a surprising amount in common when it comes to things we've spent time thinking about and where our thinking leads us.

But I've never felt anything other than friend vibes between us. In the past what has motivated me to get closer to someone, in the direction of coupleness, is a sense of some underlying emotional connection. Even when he asked me out it was all very interesting to talk about and we made it easy for each other to speak quite openly and straightforwardly, which helped reduce the awkwardness, but it was almost too civilised and rational?

I'm curious about what he's been experiencing too because while I've felt a sort of increased friendliness from him, I haven't really felt longing or a palpable sense of physical attraction from him. I haven't felt desire, whether it comes from emotional closeness or physical arousal. I've only felt excitement and happiness over the chats that we have.

This leaves me wondering.... couldn't we simply continue as friends having good chats? I'm not quite seeing how the romantic/sexual ( and or /emotional/spiritual) side comes into play here. Then again, perhaps it's early days. But this is a new thing for me, being asked out by someone who I can tell likes me a lot as a person but from whom I can't feel any desire. And I'm not sure if there is room for my own feelings to grow, as I haven't yet caught a glimpse of any emotionality. My dating past has only been with IxTx types, but even though they weren't particularly outwardly emotional I could sense what was beneath (and time bore this out.)

To sum it up, I'm sort of curious but not compelled, so I'm not sure how to reply. I'm happy to have friends and to have sex with people I like, but for me going out with someone is about having a supportive emotional connection - closeness and cuddliness and freedom to be vulnerable. However I would say that my past relationships probably lacked a firm foundation of friendship first, and went forward on the power of emotional interest - physical attraction at first. They did grow into friendships eventually, but I still think it is better to really be friends before getting deep in with the hormones.

Classic friendzoning! I feel bad for this guy...but we've all been there...if you say no, he will eventually get over it.

And the thing of asking for exclusivity just like that, before even going on a date...is very strange to me. It sounds like you say, he stated everything very rationally, rather than actually "winnining" you over through his actions and attitudes, he instead just asked for an exclusive GF out of the blue...which is not the behavior of a man, I am sad to say.

Personally I would not date someone I'm not attracted to. Also he deserves better than to date someone who is not realy attracted to him. If you reject him now, it will hurt him initially, then he will ask himself "what did I do wrong", then he will learn. If you accept his request now, he will not get the chance to learn that his "asking out" method sucks, and worse he will be wasting time with a girl who isn't attracted to him.

 

[lingerer]

Hmmm. That makes me feel bad. I don't want to string him along or build up to a bigger hurt. I don't doubt that if I turn him down now that he'll eventually get over it, he has said that himself as well.

I guess I like to try give things I don't understand a chance. Does everything need to start the same way, with the same sequence or set of feelings?

 

[UniqueMixture]

sounds like you're lonely but don't think he's hot just my 2c

 

[Il Morto Che Parla]

IDK...if you want to give it a try then do so...I would...I just thought you weren't attracted to him.

It just seems strange to me, the way he asked you out. Actually, scratch that...I did that kind of thing many years ago, before I learnt better...but I guess I find it strange that you weren't more freaked out by his full-on proposal of exclusivity...I mean normally you would go on a date, and one thing leads to another.

But yeah, maybe I am a bad person...or maybe I'm just an immature 25 y/o who still acts like a teenager...but my view is, if you want to try something, do it, and don't feel the need to "show all your cards" at once.

One thing though where you should be honest IMO is regarding the exclusivity...I mean are you really prepared for that when you haven't even dated him yet? I think you should at least tell him, "let's take it easy, go on a date, see what happens"....no need to tell all oyur feelings, just set your boundaries...IMO

Just my opinion

 

[Il Morto Che Parla]

IDK...if you want to give it a try then do so...I would...I just thought you weren't attracted to him.

It just seems strange to me, the way he asked you out. Actually, scratch that...I did that kind of thing many years ago, before I learnt better...but I guess I find it strange that you weren't more freaked out by his full-on proposal of exclusivity...I mean normally you would go on a date, and one thing leads to another.

But yeah, maybe I am a bad person...or maybe I'm just an immature 25 y/o who still acts like a teenager...but my view is, if you want to try something, do it, and don't feel the need to "show all your cards" at once.

One thing though where you should be honest IMO is regarding the exclusivity...I mean are you really prepared for that when you haven't even dated him yet? I think you should at least tell him, "let's take it easy, go on a date, see what happens"....no need to tell all oyur feelings, just set your boundaries...IMO

Just my opinion

 

[1487610420]

Update.

We've hung out a bit more since then.

I've been confused about something I don't think I should feel confused about.

He's been very considerate and helpful. There are events and organising things that I'm involved in, he comes to them and offers to help out. When we hang out he seems happy to stay around until I say I need to go, unless he has a clear commitment on at scheduled time. He remembers things I've said and will bring them up. I've talked to him a couple of times about how close I am to my cat (he's the only family I have here at the moment), when he came around to my place for a gathering he seemed to make a deliberate effort to spend time with my cat and offered to take care of him when I'd be away at a certain time. He seems to watch for my reactions to things during group conversations, because he'll bring up a facial expression I'm making or start laughing because of something I'm doing.

This is all very confusing to me because I've never experienced this before - this level of attentiveness, support and interest in me as a person. I'm also confused because while it would all seem to indicate he likes me quite a lot, I don't feel attraction coming from him. I get that he definitely enjoys my company. With guys who have wanted me in the past I have been able to feel it, with him it's just like he's a preternaturally helpful and friendly guy. We have had a few little chats about the difference between friend and more-than, I've told him him that the physical side to things is pretty important to me. He's said that that's not something he thinks about or focuses on much, but that he'd be happy for it to come and thinks it's something that develops naturally with time. I guess it confuses me to see someone behave in such a motivated way without sensing the physical attraction.

As for how I feel... I have had moments of feeling attracted to him and a bit nervous around him. He's really easy to be around and there's this nice, restful feeling that comes from that. It also seems like we can talk about practically anything, taboo stuff included, and we're both relaxed about it and can be lighthearted about it. I still find it hard to envision a future because I'm still not sure if there's a romantic element there and because we're at different stages of life. And of course there's the question of whether he is less sex-inclined than I am or if this impression is related to his lack of experience.

Anyway this has been quite an interesting, eye-opening and pleasant experience so far. I feel quite lucky to have gotten to experience being treated well by a good guy.

Are you damaged goods?

 

[lingerer]

Well I've been completely honest with him the whole time. I did say no to the going out exclusively thing, which is not because I love being wide open to date because I don't really date in general. Mainly because I didn't want to agree to a commitment when I wasn't sure if I believed we would make sense as a couple.

I wasn't freaked out by anything he said because he's a nice, reasonable person and I appreciated that. I actually quite like that he was honest and respectful and took the time to explain things to the best of his ability. I typically haven't been that receptive to "normal" guy advances, I don't like pushiness.

Probably a lot of this is revealing his naivete. I think that's awesome though. I hope he doesn't become another generic male hunter type... whatever will be will be I guess.

Yeah I would agree that I'm lonely. There is more than one reason why I've been cautious about this. But he did say he still definitely wants to be friends and hang out still if I say no, so that makes the loneliness a bit less of a motivator.

 

[lingerer]

Are you damaged goods?

Probably

 

[1487610420]

Probably

You read that way, no offense. That might be more relevant to deal with first.

 

[lingerer]

You read that way, no offense. That might be more relevant to deal with first.

What does one do if one feels like they have always been damaged goods though? Do I need to prevent myself from participating in society?

 

[Il Morto Che Parla]

Probably a lot of this is revealing his naivete. I think that's awesome though. I hope he doesn't become another generic male hunter type... whatever will be will be I guess.

Hmmm...but at least then he won't end up getting friend zoned like you will do to him

Sorry I just couldn't resist saying that...it's just that this is why girls advice on forums like this is often no good...it's like you are sayimg he should be a certain way, yet you won't date that kind of guy...it's kind of hypocritical if you think about it. I don't mean you do it on purpose, I'm just sayin'...I think you have good intentions though.

 

[1487610420]

What does one do if one feels like they have always been damaged goods though? Do I need to prevent myself from participating in society?

Seek professional help.