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  1. #21
    Junior Member moonnx's Avatar
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    lol i just realized- that I defend my self because it's my excuse for me feeling umconfortable with people liking me in general. I feel like they're making fun of me or it's a joke that I haven't gotten. I'm really nervous and uneasy with guys by myself- esp. if they like me and I haven't barred them away yet. =/

  2. #22
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by moonnx View Post
    And the reason why I keep repeating myself is that I think I phrased it wrong and that people aren't understanding me. Also, I want to make sure that people believe me. I have a hard time being concise b/c I think people will interpret it wrong.
    Gotta learn to let that go. You'll drive yourself crazy after awhile. Used to do it all the time, can't do it anymore... my energy is best spent elsewhere. And the over-explanations don't help as much as you think; a suspicious/stupid person will still be suspicious/stupid no matter how well you explain yoruself.

    Basically it involves giving up a little control and trusting that the people who are worth relating to actually will give you the benefit of a doubt and ask, if they're confused/mistaken. And they do.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  3. #23
    philosopher wood nymph greenfairy's Avatar
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    Wow, we're seeming more similar all the time. And I've also been told I might have Asperger's.

    We're different in that I really want to be two different people at the same time- I really want to be a girly flirty girl, but at the same time there's a totally opposite part of me. That part is pretty androgynous and is much more like a guy and wants to just talk about philosophy and logic.

    So I have an ENFP self
    images.jpg
    And an INTP self
    images.jpg

    I was kind of unattractive growing up, and was completely unconfidant until a few years ago. I always thought I was ugly, but I knew there was a pretty person inside waiting to come out. I too had no prom date and had my first kiss/hookup at 19. I had no luck with guys whatsoever aside from occasional hookups until a couple of years ago, and I felt like there was something wrong with me because of it. I've always had guy friends; the difference is that I was ok with the fact that they wanted to do me because I like attention. If you don't, I guess it's hard. I too felt really different from the feeling girls, and I thought no one really understood me. I'm pretty weird. But now guys seem to like me anyway, and I think it's because I have confidence and like myself. I constantly pushed myself to be more social, even though I wasn't good at it and was always making blunders and looking like a fool. I've worked really hard at learning proper social behavior and being able to blend in with normal people. (I still make big mistakes occasionally, but such is life.)

    So I can understand where you are coming from. I can understand not liking attention because you don't really know what to do with it, and maybe you don't like that kind of forced social interaction. I can totally understand lacking the ability to form meaningful connections with people, and feeling insecure because you don't have a boyfriend. Hopefully you'll be luckier than I was and get one before you are 26.

    Anyway, this has been my experience, since the OP asked for it. I constantly tried to improve myself and do everything within my power to change my situation, and so I worked a lot on confidence issues and intimacy issues (I think you also mentioned intimacy issues in the opening post, and I have a theory that INTP girls tend to have these). I notice looking back that my luck with people was directly related to my relationship with myself, my level of confidence, and my level of comfort with intimacy. I used to think I was confident, but I wasn't really. It can be a hard thing to really know. Finally, at 26 I got a boyfriend, I have cool friends who understand me, and I have fantastic luck with people. And somewhere along the line I decided I was in fact very attractive and other people started thinking so as well. (In your case it'll probably look like you enjoying being attractive and attracting the right kind of attention.)

    Edit: one more thing, it's totally ok for you to think you are attractive and like it; telling people about it is another thing, but I assume you only mention it irl when it's relevant to the conversation. You're right, it's kind of true that it's best to just not mention it unless it's like "we're both so pretty" so people don't think you are implying that they are not attractive and stuff. Or compliment other people a lot. I dunno. Somehow I've been able to do it and people don't get a conceited vibe from me, unless people on here have and they're just too polite to say so. My feeling is that it's best to just think about it like everyone is beautiful in their own way, like an artist views the world. (And there is objective and subjective beauty, and subjective beauty has more to do with whether someone is attracted to you rather than thinking you are attractive my objective standards.) I'm rambling, but I wanted to attempt to clarify the situation.

  4. #24
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    The best way to combat what you are going through is to move forward and actually speak to guys you actually like. I don't know what stimulates you, but what stimulates you should be the reason you like this person and other qualities. I like intelligent women who understand abstract thinking and feeler ideas and can grasp and understand. You'll learn how to make your own path soon enough as long as you know the weaknesses and just do the "DO" part you'll be making progress even if you fail a bit but you are making progress to "ideally" getting your desired results.

  5. #25
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    I can relate to where the OP is coming from. I'm also 20 and have never been in a real relationship.

    I've never really been into looks, I mean I can tell when someone's attractive but I never really thought of myself the same way. It's not that I have a low self-esteem or something, I just never really paid attention to that stuff. When I leave the house, I dress for comfort. In high school, I wore the same 7-8 outfits in a cycle and never really cared, and I'm starting to do it again in college. I like fashion but don't have the energy to put into it.

    I also grew up being one of 5 blacks in my high school in a town of 95% caucasians. I was comfortable, never felt discriminated against (or if I was, I didn't notice). So when I would go to a different environment like Atlanta (college) I felt awkward. I would be walking and feel stares, or get honked at. Once when I was walking down the street, this car made a u-turn to my side of the street to ask me if I needed a ride. It shocked me and left me feeling self-conscious and confused.

    I think because I went from an environment where I didn't receive a lot of attention to somewhere where it seemed to be everywhere has impaired my relationship skills (if they weren't impaired already). Now whenever a guy tells me I'm pretty, I immediately back off. It's not that I don't know I'm pretty but I associate the compliment with an unwanted request. It sucks because I've taken to keeping my head down whenever I see a guy approach (usually black guys since they're the ones who seem to STARE without caring how uncomfortable it makes girls) and pretend they don't exist. Some still try to catch my attention and sometimes I talk to them but it never goes anywhere because they inevitably ask if I'm a virgin and that completely turns me off. Also I have have large Also I've been 'blessed' with big boobs with a small waist (bra-shopping is the worst) so that already gets me strange looks and when a guy seems interested, I think it's just for my looks. I have had someone who I was able to connect with and he seemed to like me for me, but then the virgin question came and then the unnecessary compliments, and the 'you need to be more open and emotional so you can tell me how you feel about me and compliment me and always make me feel good about myself' crap started. I ran as fast as I could from that.

    I guess that's the real issue, I can meet a guy that likes me for my looks and my intelligence but in the end, it's about molding me to be the kind of person they want.

  6. #26
    Senior Member UniqueMixture's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by moonnx View Post
    ok...I'm a great dancer (I love dancing-to any kind of music!)- but once I start dancing I get people trying to grind on me =/ Also, I do act nerdy and what not but sometimes guys are like-umm it would be so much better if you weren't weird. Also, when I act like myself I get along with people and everything and I do find guys but they don't approach me. When I don't party, no one tries to talk to me. I'm was in marching band for 4 years, and the guys that like me start talking to me and then get nervous and stop talking to me.

    I like to dress more in sweat pants and whatever- my sisters get mad at me because "I don't do anything with myself". My family is like you're pretty you'll find a guy- you gotta talk to them- frustrating.

    I know when people are not genuine- it seems like all the guys that actually talk to me are. One of my sisters claims I have aspergers so I interpret things very differently. Like I don't know how to accept compliments or even have a conversation- just my stream of consciousness going on and on (that's how I talk- very fast and continous) =/

    And the reason why I keep repeating myself is that I think I phrased it wrong and that people aren't understanding me. Also, I want to make sure that people believe me. I have a hard time being concise b/c I think people will interpret it wrong.
    Yeah, wear skirts. Also, stop hanging out in ghetto places.
    For all that we have done, as a civilization, as individuals, the universe is not stable, and nor is any single thing within it. Stars consume themselves, the universe itself rushes apart, and we ourselves are composed of matter in constant flux. Colonies of cells in temporary alliance, replicating and decaying and housed within, an incandescent cloud of electrical impulses. This is reality, this is self knowledge, and the perception of it will, of course, make you dizzy.

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by BeBe View Post
    I can relate to where the OP is coming from. I'm also 20 and have never been in a real relationship.

    I've never really been into looks, I mean I can tell when someone's attractive but I never really thought of myself the same way. It's not that I have a low self-esteem or something, I just never really paid attention to that stuff. When I leave the house, I dress for comfort. In high school, I wore the same 7-8 outfits in a cycle and never really cared, and I'm starting to do it again in college. I like fashion but don't have the energy to put into it.

    I also grew up being one of 5 blacks in my high school in a town of 95% caucasians. I was comfortable, never felt discriminated against (or if I was, I didn't notice). So when I would go to a different environment like Atlanta (college) I felt awkward. I would be walking and feel stares, or get honked at. Once when I was walking down the street, this car made a u-turn to my side of the street to ask me if I needed a ride. It shocked me and left me feeling self-conscious and confused.

    I think because I went from an environment where I didn't receive a lot of attention to somewhere where it seemed to be everywhere has impaired my relationship skills (if they weren't impaired already). Now whenever a guy tells me I'm pretty, I immediately back off. It's not that I don't know I'm pretty but I associate the compliment with an unwanted request. It sucks because I've taken to keeping my head down whenever I see a guy approach (usually black guys since they're the ones who seem to STARE without caring how uncomfortable it makes girls) and pretend they don't exist. Some still try to catch my attention and sometimes I talk to them but it never goes anywhere because they inevitably ask if I'm a virgin and that completely turns me off. Also I have have large Also I've been 'blessed' with big boobs with a small waist (bra-shopping is the worst) so that already gets me strange looks and when a guy seems interested, I think it's just for my looks. I have had someone who I was able to connect with and he seemed to like me for me, but then the virgin question came and then the unnecessary compliments, and the 'you need to be more open and emotional so you can tell me how you feel about me and compliment me and always make me feel good about myself' crap started. I ran as fast as I could from that.

    I guess that's the real issue, I can meet a guy that likes me for my looks and my intelligence but in the end, it's about molding me to be the kind of person they want.
    So you would feel more comfortable if a guy would ask some questions about your beliefs, thoughts/opinions or certain issues or scientific knowledge?

  8. #28
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    I've seen straight men catcall at other men. It's the real-world form of trolling. Don't take it seriously.

  9. #29
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BeBe View Post
    I guess that's the real issue, I can meet a guy that likes me for my looks and my intelligence but in the end, it's about molding me to be the kind of person they want.
    If that turns out to be the case, run, don't walk to the nearest exit. You don't need a puppet-master. A guy who likes you for yourself will support you in becoming who you want to be, not what he wants.

    Quote Originally Posted by ajackson17 View Post
    So you would feel more comfortable if a guy would ask some questions about your beliefs, thoughts/opinions or certain issues or scientific knowledge?
    That's what I would want to discuss. Anything else is either smalltalk, or logistics. Many women don't seem interested in these topics, though.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    If that turns out to be the case, run, don't walk to the nearest exit. You don't need a puppet-master. A guy who likes you for yourself will support you in becoming who you want to be, not what he wants.


    That's what I would want to discuss. Anything else is either smalltalk, or logistics. Many women don't seem interested in these topics, though.
    Make it known that those are the topics you do love and insert them and make them known best way to determine if someone thinks like you in my opinion in which women most part are puzzled and do not have answer or along the lines "people do what they do". Nothing really objective or just don't right "I don't know and that bores me." So I feel your pain, but more than likely NT and NF women can force deeper conversation from men in a subtle way more so than me doing that. Women would probably force me to look at the mundane things as fun and dropped all the big talk and just talk the small talk and than they will recognized me as boring or too difficult or different and walk away.

    But on a side note I'm glad I'm never was born a woman that I wouldn't have guys going bonkers over me and especially black men and yes I'm a black man so I know how they do it, when most couldn't even tell me what branch of government the president is in.

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