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Thread: Time to move out? Is it time to give up?

  1. #1

    Default Time to move out? Is it time to give up?

    I finished community college, and I'm in the process of applying to four-year universities. Like many of my closest friends, I'm living with my parents to save money. The living costs in this city are HIGH, so it's a logical and financially prudent choice, and my friends' parents are all happy to invest in their children's future by helping out at least with housing.

    I don't know where to begin. I worked part-time jobs to pay for tuition & minor expenses, like books and personal allowance (community college); rent was free. My living situation is not ideal though. Parents have been ashamed of me and frequently tell me how embarrassed and disappointed they are in me, and tell me of others who went to Ivy leagues. One of the parents also has depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and bipolar disorder (untreated, but many people have asked them to seek treatment). There is also a lot in our family past I won't get to on here, but I wanted to try and make things work, and bond as a family. I thought the extra time we spend together would make us closer, and also give us newer memories to replace the old.

    During my last year of community college, my grandparents cut my parents off. My parents have been financially irresponsible for a long time, but they've never taken responsibility and have always been blaming others; so whenever they had unexpected bills or needed a little extra, they turned to my grandparents, who basically now told my parents not to expect anymore help after this last time. My parents have financial stability, just no longer that "allowance" or personal bank to turn to whenever things come up. Since then, the parent with untreated disorders has been exploding in anger, about me living for free and being selfish for not sharing my paycheck. I used ~95% of my money for tuition, books, gas, groceries; and 5% of it for personal items like eating out or renting a movie. At that time, I literally had no way to pay the rent they were asking with the job I had while finishing my units, and since then, they have been getting more explosive and angry.

    When I finished classes in May, I was trying to find a full-time job, for the year I take off while applying to four year universities. I had a hard time finding a job at first, so I thought I could work something entry-level like retail/fastfood until I get a "real job", but when they heard this idea, they had a nervous breakdown and said I was bringing shame to the family and went crazy with screaming for hours. After a while, I finally got a job, but it didn't work out and I was fired after two months. The same parent had another nervous breakdown and an explosive anger episode about how I was bringing shame to the family, because they told everyone I got a job, and now everyone would find out I was fired. When I started the job, I told them my concerns about the job and it potentially not working out (even though I took it for the income), so I was surprised they had told so many people. Then they started screaming at me to pay rent, this is once I got fired, and I'm falling behind on bills for my car/phone/credit card. Both parents are disappointed in me for not stepping up financially; they expect me to be the adult and provide for them by buying them things. They have financial stability right now, so if I pay rent to them, it would be spend on luxury items or non-necessities they say they deserve. I feel like they are asking me to buy their love.

    I feel stuck. I don't know what to do. I have nowhere else to go. My closest friends live with their parents, and we all come from similar immigrant backgrounds so I know their parents wouldn't feel comfortable letting me stay there. My friends are also astonished at being asked to pay rent, since we are all from similar immigrant backgrounds and their parents aren't like this/actually WANT them to be there. I think I need to move out. I've been applying to jobs everywhere, especially ones out of state. I just want to get far. I think I need to put my 4 yr college plans on hold and focus on securing financial stability for myself first. I suppose I could stay with my parents and pay rent, but if I'm paying rent, I might as well pay rent to a landlord that doesn't have explosive anger bouts that last hours, and breakdowns for every small thing. I'd like to move out immediately, but currently have no money, no PLAN. Usually I'm good with planning, but I feel frozen right now. Advice...... please.

  2. #2
    RETIRED Array CzeCze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007


    Are you east Asian? Cause yes, that is unusual. I was wondering how old you are? Did you have issues with responsivility in the past? You said you didnt want to go into family stuff but trying to plac your parents expectations of you in proper context. I guess it is showing how desperate your parents financial situation is. Then again, their parents cut them off (even more unusual considering how late in adulthood and 3rd generation of family it's gone) so they are probably passing the buck to you.

    If I were you, I would leave ASAP. If you've messed up in the past, make good on your own and time will bring your parents around. Your parents can make up a good lie about your absence. Move to a cheaper location or crash with relatives until you get a solid savings and and live on your own. Your family is heading towards deeper dysfunction and you getting a good paying job now are not just slim, they won't solve the root issues. Crash with friends who aren't in your community, get away from your family and that sphere.

    If that is not possible, grit your teeth, placate your parents as much as possible, get whqtever income you can, and save. Put off school for now. Once you have enough to rent a cheap room for 3 months move out. If you have no expenses now, even with a crap hourly job you can save up in a couple months.

    After you get away from the immediate probem, tackle practical questions. Do you know what you want to do for a living? What you're good at?

    If youre Christian, churches also offer rooms for cheap.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux


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