[INTP] INTP - married, infidelity, cheating, emo. affair

[treeleaning]

What I have read about INTPs is that they are not prone to affairs. However, I met one who flirted heavily with me, would gappingly, almost open-mouth *stare* at me, get nervous around me, and even sent me shocking FU eyes. I was intrigued... flirted back only to find out this guy is married. I think he is a 5w4. Is this typical?

I have read that men sometimes are just looking for an ego boost through flirting. This was not just lite "play flirting", but a bit more intense, and I think he ended up falling for me a bit. Is this just a male thing --- do INTPs just go around seeking attention from women like this?

Any insight related to the above example or general viewpoints into the matter of married INTPs "searching elsewhere" is welcome. Afterthought - do you think INTPs can actively be in love with multiple people at the same time?

 

[heart]

Well, sounds like there's plenty of trouble and drama available there, if you're up for it!

 

[treeleaning]

Do you mean that he isn't just passively trying to boost his ego, (or is everything all wrapped into that...)? I doubt he would ever leave his wife - but he does seem a bit sad - he has children too. I am just intrigued - b/c the furnance between us was/is hot. Damn him being married....

 

[Totenkindly]

Passing men who feel trapped in their life will often behave as you describe. The flirting, the sadness, knowing they're not willing to risk things nor wanting to be unfaithful... but wishing for something more anyway despite feeling guilty over it.

(hmmm... wow, what a sad story.)

Without knowing him or watching him, though, I couldn't say anything for sure. Just saying it's a possibility.

And something that happens here, they're sort of "flashing their availability" but looking for you to be the proactive one so they don't have to make the hard decision to cheat or be as culpable (in their minds) if it actually happens. So I would just be careful and keep the boundaries in place. Don't be the one who crosses the line.

As far him being in love with more than one person? Sure. Anyone can do that, can't they? The thing that is unique is the commitment that is made to one of those people, if there's a marriage.

 

[treeleaning]

When he is near me he tends to beam, but I can see his frustration and being an NF I can also see his angst and sadness... He intially dropped very subtle hints for me to come to him so-to-speak and did all these attentive things... - but learning he was married I didn't go there.

I would imagine he loves his wife, (don't know to what degree), but why would he remain in a "trapped" state if he did not? I guess tons of people remain in marriages for the sake of the children - this can arguably be good and bad - but you have the rest of you life to live....

I guess I am a bit angry as he really "shouldn't have gone there" if he knew he ultimately was not available....

 

[anii]

Afterthought - do you think INTPs can actively be in love with multiple people at the same time?

Any type can experience this. It's called polyamory - Amazon.com: The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities: Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt: Books

 

[Totenkindly]

When he is near me he tends to beam, but I can see his frustration and being an NF I can also see his angst and sadness... He intially dropped very subtle hints for me to come to him so-to-speak and did all these attentive things... - but learning he was married I didn't go there.

I think that's wise. When I think of myself in that situation, I know it's not where I would want to be... I wouldn't want to contribute to him hurting his wife and family, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who was that passive anyway, because he would be that passive with ME if we ever got involved and perhaps move onto someone else while stringing me along, etc.

I would imagine he loves his wife, (don't know to what degree), but why would he remain in a "trapped" state if he did not? I guess tons of people remain in marriages for the sake of the children - this can arguably be good and bad - but you have the rest of you life to live....

It is very very hard for passive people (and I think INTP men, because they live a lot in their heads, can be externally passive and relationally/emotionally inept) to take the risk and change their lives. They would rather flex as much as possible, so as to not hurt others and ALSO to avoid risk/change/damage, and instead hope the situation resolves positively on its own.

Some people never get past that. Eventually he will get so miserable either he will end things or he will choose to work on the relationship and be happy there. Meanwhile, he's going to be in this limbo, where he's unhappy but unwilling to make changes in either direction. I would stay away.

I guess I am a bit angry as he really "shouldn't have gone there" if he knew he ultimately was not available....

That's not a bad reaction. Sigh.

 

[cafe]

It's not an INTP thing, though it could be kind of a P thing, I suppose.

He could be in an open marriage, though I wouldn't give that much credibility unless his wife confirmed that that was the case.

If not, this guy is doing both you (and anyone else he's doing the high-powered flirting with) and his wife dirty, IMO. He is not taking responsibility for himself and his decisions. Maybe he consciously or subconsciously hopes that an outside relationship will be a catalyst for ending an unhappy relationship with his wife, either because she finds out and kicks him out or his lover insists that he leave his wife. Or maybe he's just a philandering jerk, who knows? Doesn't seem like good LTR material to me.

 

[heart]

He could be in an open marriage, though I wouldn't give that much credibility unless his wife confirmed that that was the case.

I doubt he is in open marriage with sad, longing look. I am not prepared to call him a jerk. I don't know his situation in his marriage and he hasn't crossed the line far enough yet. jmo.

 

[treeleaning]

I do know that he is a workaholic and from subtle phrases he doesn't have that mental bond with his wife.

He is a bonifide INTP - hiding in office/socially awkward at times - amazing brain - the whole bit. I would agree with Jennifer that he is emmotionally passive - always waiting for someone else to make the move, but wanting "more" - and practices Eastern religion - so tends to let things just *happen* - just *be*.

I also think he kind of got licked - in that he fell for someone and probably didn't know he could feel like that again?? And I kind of got licked too But to not do anything about it with either I or his wife, I agree is a bit cowardly or similar to the INTP - afraid of the unpredictability of future vs. the known.

 

[heart]

Break for serious question here: Do INTP become workaholics?

 

[treeleaning]

Ok - maybe not workaholic , but avoidance... being at the office on the weekend e.g. Maybe not working but not at home.

 

[Poser]

Break for serious question here: Do INTP become workaholics?

Just lurking here but to keep the conversation going....

Yes. I will get lost in thought all the time at the office (but not always with work stuff ) and end up coming home late.

 

[treeleaning]

BryNT - love the jack handy quote Right. Spacing out on the computer... People ask, "So did you get a lot of work done"? I think, "Um..a lot of "mind processing" work.

Any input to the other question?

 

[heart]

Ok - maybe not workaholic , but avoidance... being at the office on the weekend e.g. Maybe not working but not at home.

If it isn't required by the job, then that tells a lot. I cannot picture a NP being excited by the prospect of spending all day Sat working, when they could spend it elsewhere Ne-ing. I just cannot.

 

[Poser]

Well, I won't say he is a jerk but it is still not anything you would want to get involved in. He knows it and I am sure you do too. I can't say that cheating or emotional affairs would be isolated to or not possible with any particular personality type.

 

[treeleaning]

It is very very hard for passive people (and I think INTP men, because they live a lot in their heads, can be externally passive and relationally/emotionally inept) to take the risk and change their lives. They would rather flex as much as possible, so as to not hurt others and ALSO to avoid risk/change/damage, and instead hope the situation resolves positively on its own.

Some people never get past that. Eventually he will get so miserable either he will end things or he will choose to work on the relationship and be happy there. Meanwhile, he's going to be in this limbo, where he's unhappy but unwilling to make changes in either direction. I would stay away.

My understanding is that when an INTP decides a relationship is over it is definitely over, period, with very few exceptions. So I guess this is also a part of the passitivity - the limbo, as you say, of not wanting to make the hard decisions. // I guess this indecisive state would thus push you farther into your head, work and thinking and away from your relationship - and ultimately be a state of depression - unless you can learn to really detach.

 

[spartan26]

Break for serious question here: Do INTP become workaholics?

If we find something we either love to do or can get lost in our own heads while doing it, then most definitely yes.

Back to OP, I can't say anything for certain but I would mention that my demeanor changes around women I am "comfortable" with but still don't want a romantic relation w/them. Also, I'll be more energetic and responsive, even more outgoing by those I appreciate, which has been mistaken as me having a romantic interest when that wasn't the case. Also, the open mouth staring thing...that can happen in front of beer cooler at 7-11. Not to say that he may very well want to do you but most INTP males are horrible at flirting and wouldn't want to communicate w/women that way. If he gets all emo w/u and offers to show you his miniture civil war collection after a wine tasting expo, you know, something totally planned out, then I'd send up the red flag.

 

[FFF]

What I have read about INTPs is that they are not prone to affairs. However, I met one who flirted heavily with me, would gappingly, almost open-mouth *stare* at me, get nervous around me, and even sent me shocking FU eyes. I was intrigued... flirted back only to find out this guy is married. I think he is a 5w4. Is this typical?

I have read that men sometimes are just looking for an ego boost through flirting. This was not just lite "play flirting", but a bit more intense, and I think he ended up falling for me a bit. Is this just a male thing --- do INTPs just go around seeking attention from women like this?

Any insight related to the above example or general viewpoints into the matter of married INTPs "searching elsewhere" is welcome. Afterthought - do you think INTPs can actively be in love with multiple people at the same time?

As a single INTP, I can tell you that I've flirted before with no real intentions of anything more than that happening.

 

[Totenkindly]

My understanding is that when an INTP decides a relationship is over it is definitely over, period, with very few exceptions.

That definitely happens before marriage. Once they're done, they just drift away... and shove you away if you force yourself back in.

But after marriage? Now they're stuck.

So I guess this is also a part of the passitivity - the limbo, as you say, of not wanting to make the hard decisions.

Yes, that's just it. Ending a marriage is a lot different than breaking up with a date. Especially with the intensity of emotion involved (which they hate) as well as the prolonged energy expenditure and fighting and negotiating over every little thing.... and then having the kids involved.

// I guess this indecisive state would thus push you farther into your head, work and thinking and away from your relationship - and ultimately be a state of depression - unless you can learn to really detach.

I think the depression is the "easiest solution" ... far easier than navigating a divorce. I see them pouring themselves into their hobbies/work to avoid the bad relationship. Unless somehow the spouse can be indirectly driven to instigate the divorce and thus take charge of making it happen.