[INTP] INTP - married, infidelity, cheating, emo. affair

[Cypocalypse]

Would you say most INTPs then are/or end up with an ISFJ partner? This INTP is very goal driven, (but is not a J) - maybe he leads with an sp factor - stability and need to provide for his children (yes, he has those too) ... - maybe he is an sp/sx.

I am starting to gain a real sense that men, no matter what their type, may periodically "test the waters." However, a lot of men to know when/how to curb down more *serious* flirting if they have no intentions to go farther - maybe I am wrong here - but I've been around the block a bit and could "have gone there" with some who were definitely putting it out there and I chose not to - for same said reasons.

My take is that people who allow themselves to *fall* for something deeper than casual flirting and move it to the "next stage" are vulnerable themselves in some sense.

INTP men want to marry stable woman. Basically the archetypal damsel-in-distress, does the household, strong moral fiber archetype. But I guess it's the same for quite a number of men.

The difference here would be the reason for the INTP cheating, if he ever pulls off such act. It's less sexual in nature than the reason of men of other types. I'm theorizing "sense of growth" as the culprit, though I'm not sure if I speak for other INTPs. Definitely the urge for sex is not the primary motivation.

 

[treeleaning]

NO THEY DON'T!

My ENTP used to sit across from me, turn his chair so his back was to the wall and give me dirty looks while I was trying to fix engines. Freak. (*fanning myself*)

Yes, some of his looks sent *shock waves* through me, BUT then on other days he would just look at me longingly or sad or often just stare - and if I'd say something he would just *stare* w/ a much, much delayed response and it was like I dumbfounded him?? I think he is an emotional mess, if you ask me - but God, I still like him - I think probably more than like

Yes, I guess I'll run, but not forget. I hate/love him. Guys - a bit of advice - don't lead people on like this - fun turns to love and then it's just cruel...

 

[Totenkindly]

Would you say most INTPs then are/or end up with an ISFJ partner?

It's actually a very stable relationship... depending on the desires of the ISFJ. If she is willing to put up with the distance and typical lack of emotional reciprocation and operate in typical "maintain things / be dutiful" mode, the relationship will steadily plug on. After all, he is basically getting what he wants -- a spouse who is very geared towards keeping the household stable, raising the kids, taking care of minutia and life details (bill paying, etc.)

(If she was an ESFJ, the E would lead her to pry into the INTPs space and business; the ISFJ will usually, if upset about the way of things, sulk or react in a passive-aggressive way, not making nearly as many overt waves.)

I don't know if it's as good for the ISFJ as for the INTP, though.

EDIT: Note that ISFJ/INTP is an interesting dynamic. They share all their main functions and are sort of the "doubles" of the other.

INTP = Ti + Ne + Si + Fe
ISFJ = Si + Fe + Ti + Ne

See? They each sort of "complete" the other and can help each other mature their 3rd and 4th functions. if they survive.

 

[Domino]

Yes, some of his looks sent *shock waves* through me, BUT then on other days he would just look at me longingly or sad or often just stare - and if I'd say something he would just *stare* w/ a much, much delayed response and it was like I dumbfounded him?? I think he is an emotional mess, if you ask me - but God, I still like him - I think probably more than like

I know. I know. It's like turning down a hot fudge sundae. For someone like me who's incredibly picky, that "sundae" feeling doesn't happen often, so believe me, I get what you're saying in Technicolor.

But listen to me - the dude is MARRIED. He walked down an aisle with ONE WOMAN and made a promise before God and family to be there for HER, not you. He's an emotional minefield. I guarantee it would be molten lava for a little while, then the guilt would catch up and ruin everything. Temptation is a part of life. It proves you're still animal, still alive. But don't give it any power. Just think about the trusting soul he has at home (whether she's a bitch or a saint is irrelevant) and let that throw water on the fire. Or just avoid him and reward yourself with something else - ANYTHING AT ALL!- until you can be rational. I mean shoes! I mean FOOD. I mean dressing trashy and going out with girlfriends. I mean blowing dandelions into a neighbors yard. ANYTHING.

Yes, I guess I'll run, but not forget. I hate/love him. Guys - a bit of advice - don't lead people on like this - fun turns to love and then it's just cruel...

Listen to this woman, please! She's right.

 

[JAVO]

The difference here would be the reason for the INTP cheating, if he ever pulls off such act. It's less sexual in nature than the reason of men of other types. I'm theorizing "sense of growth" as the culprit, though I'm not sure if I speak for other INTPs. Definitely the urge for sex is not the primary motivation.

I think the "sense of growth" is a likely motivating factor--the challenge and understanding a new experience brings. If the INTP engages more T and less *ahem* "Pness," the desire for challenge and understanding can be directed at a healthy friendship instead of a detrimental-to-all physical relationship.

 

[treeleaning]

INTP men want to marry stable woman. Basically the archetypal damsel-in-distress, does the household, strong moral fiber archetype. But I guess it's the same for quite a number of men.

The difference here would be the reason for the INTP cheating, if he ever pulls off such act. It's less sexual in nature than the reason of men of other types. I'm theorizing "sense of growth" as the culprit, though I'm not sure if I speak for other INTPs. Definitely the urge for sex is not the primary motivation.

Isn't the Damsel in Distress archetype a bit "needy" - maybe not always so stable? (Sorry, saw your post after-the-fact Jennifer - Are INFP just a disaster waiting to happen then with an INTP - even a mature INFP?)

I sensed it wasn't just about the sexual pull - we met each other first on a mental/work level. What exactly do you mean "sense of growth"? Someone who believes in you and pushes you forward or is there emotionally - Is seems there is this push/pull between stability and predictability in a mate, and then a sense of longing for a soulmate perhaps?

 

[Domino]

Is seems there is this push/pull between stability and predictability in a mate, and then a sense of longing for a soulmate perhaps?

Don't even get me and Philo started on THAT. :-\

 

[Totenkindly]

Isn't the Damsel in Distress archetype a bit "needy" - maybe not always so stable? (Sorry, saw your post after-the-fact Jennifer - Are INFP just a disaster waiting to happen then with an INTP - even a mature INFP?)

np...

I'm not sure about INFP/INTP pairings. They tend to be very decent friends because they operate similarly externally (they love to bounce Ne ideas off each other -- the NF offers sympathy and gives emotional affirmation, the NT is forthright and blunt and offers clarity)... but the Ti can clash with the Fi badly depending on the situation and specific beliefs.

INTPs unfortunately aren't continual "white knights," because of their desire for personal space and individual autonomy. When the situation demands it and they perceive a problem, they can leap in and save the day... again, IF they think it's important enough. Good at resolving catastrophes, bad at little daily things.

They're more apt to look at a damsel in distress, if she's in a long-term distress, and say, "Well, can't you save yourself?" Just not very good originally at maintenance activities...

ISFJ women, on the other hand, excel at maintenance but feel slighted if nothing is ever really returned.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I know. I know. It's like turning down a hot fudge sundae. For someone like me who's incredibly picky, that "sundae" feeling doesn't happen often, so believe me, I get what you're saying in Technicolor.

But listen to me - the dude is MARRIED. He walked down an aisle with ONE WOMAN and made a promise before God and family to be there for HER, not you. He's an emotional minefield. I guarantee it would be molten lava for a little while, then the guilt would catch up and ruin everything. Temptation is a part of life. It proves you're still animal, still alive. But don't give it any power. Just think about the trusting soul he has at home (whether she's a bitch or a saint is irrelevant) and let that throw water on the fire. Or just avoid him and reward yourself with something else - ANYTHING AT ALL!- until you can be rational. I mean shoes! I mean FOOD. I mean dressing trashy and going out with girlfriends. I mean blowing dandelions into a neighbors yard. ANYTHING.

Listen to the woman here. I agree that extramarital affairs are emotional minefields. There is some difference whether she is a bitch or a saint in regards to the guilt factor imo. The problem is that if he is with her presently, it means he is in some way attached to her. This could be financial or social obligations, or an emotional dependency. Even really twisted marriages can be held together by iron bonds of emotional dependency. Unless a decision has been made to end the marriage, until that relationship has resolved itself, getting involved with such a man will likely result in him maintaining his bonds to that woman. If she is a saint, then you and he break her tender, innocent heart. If she is a bitch, then her sick hold on him will now extend to you. More likely it is something inbetween, but simply put, it is unlikely he is emotionally available until he makes a choice of his own accord to leave her.

 

[Cypocalypse]

Isn't the Damsel in Distress archetype a bit "needy" - maybe not always so stable? (Sorry, saw your post after-the-fact Jennifer - Are INFP just a disaster waiting to happen then with an INTP - even a mature INFP?)

I sensed it wasn't just about the sexual pull - we met each other first on a mental/work level. What exactly do you mean "sense of growth"? Someone who believes in you and pushes you forward or is there emotionally - Is seems there is this push/pull between stability and predictability in a mate, and then a sense of longing for a soulmate perhaps?

Definitely not the "needy" aspect of the damsel in distress type. I'm thinking more of an introverted woman who has a sense of independence. Independent enough for self sufficiency but not extraverted enough to ruin the harmony of the relationship.

______________

Anyway, I think I have a sort of a FETISH for healthy INFPs. My ISFJ girlfriend , not to demean her in any way, doesn't have the intellectual competence to analyze or read through me as much as I am self-critical. She's just to busy in her personal life (work, etc.)

On the other hand, a really intuitive INFP woman (an example would be an INFP acquiantance of mine), who hardly knows me but knows exactly where my point of view is coming (must be her Ne in the works). And she always have an F to show the opposite side to my T. And when I think about it, I would just say to myself....."how the heck can she know me just like that"? O_O

______________

Anyway, speaking of growth, it's about enlightenment -- an INTP's ultimate journey. An INTP always needs intellectual stimulation.

 

[Domino]

Anyway, I think I have a sort of a FETISH for healthy INFPs. My ISFJ girlfriend , not to demean her in any way, doesn't have the intellectual competence to analyze or read through me as much as I am self-critical. She's just to busy in her personal life (work, etc.)

Ok, dude, was THAT helpful?? Seriously. Listen what you just said. You backseated your ISFJ.

 

[Cypocalypse]

np...

I'm not sure about INFP/INTP pairings. They tend to be very decent friends because they operate similarly externally (they love to bounce Ne ideas off each other -- the NF offers sympathy and gives emotional affirmation, the NT is forthright and blunt and offers clarity)... but the Ti can clash with the Fi badly depending on the situation and specific beliefs.

INTPs unfortunately aren't continual "white knights," because of their desire for personal space and individual autonomy. When the situation demands it and they perceive a problem, they can leap in and save the day... again, IF they think it's important enough. Good at resolving catastrophes, bad at little daily things.

They're more apt to look at a damsel in distress, if she's in a long-term distress, and say, "Well, can't you save yourself?" Just not very good originally at maintenance activities...

ISFJ women, on the other hand, excel at maintenance but feel slighted if nothing is ever really returned.

Do we share a soul or something? You're extracting my sentiments with 100% accuracy. LOL!

 

[Cypocalypse]

Ok, dude, was THAT helpful?? Seriously. Listen what you just said. You backseated your ISFJ.

On the other hand, her other merits outweigh that, that's just the single issue that I can think of that can potentially affect the relationship in the long run. In every other aspect, the relationship is essentially solid.

Ever since I wanted to have a good relationship, my primary consideration is stability and she provided that really damn well. That alone is pretty much sufficient in keeping the relationship, in my opinion. I was just being honest about some of the minor drawbacks.

 

[Domino]

On the other hand, her other merits outweigh that, that's just the single issue that I can think of that can potentially affect the relationship in the long run. In every other aspect, the relationship is essentially solid.

Ever since I wanted to have a good relationship, my primary consideration is stability and she provided that really damn well. That alone is pretty much sufficient in keeping the relationship, in my opinion. I was just being honest about some of the minor drawbacks.

I find that debatable. Saying you have a fetish for INFPs in a thread where an INFP chick is grappling with not doing the wrong thing with an INTP??

Come on.

Then saying your ISFJ isn't your mental equal/depth? I gotta problem with INTPs on that count. A huge one. ISFJs don't deserve that kind of half-way treatment. Giving tippy INTPs training wheels hardly capitalizes on the ISFJs best traits. Nothing I like better than seeing an un-utilized ISFJ wise up and get herself an ESTP/ISTP boyfriend who gives her the magic she needs and doesn't "weigh her merits".

 

[Totenkindly]

Do we share a soul or something? You're extracting my sentiments with 100% accuracy. LOL!

Bwa ha ha... Yes, I found your secret diary.

Gee, first the X-Men, now this... Freaky, huh?

Then saying your ISFJ isn't your mental equal/depth? I gotta problem with INTPs on that count. A huge one. ISFJs don't deserve that kind of half-way treatment. Giving tippy INTPs training wheels hardly capitalizes on the ISFJs best traits. Nothing I like better than seeing an un-utilized ISFJ wise up and get herself an ESTP/ISTP boyfriend who gives her the magic she needs and doesn't "weigh her merits".

Well... I did understand what he meant, and I see both your points.

(ISFJs and INTPs can both have the same IQ. But ISFJs usually don't care to go where the INTP wants to, or perceiving the intuitive nuances. They tend to be literal.

If you'd like, you could balance it by saying the INTP is clueless or apathetic towards more linear math/logic that the ISFJ finds relevant.

INTPs = strong in abstract thought, ISFJs = strong in relevant relationship)

Where I agree with you is that he was writing off Miss ISFJ rather than including her anyway in his thought process... even if the chances are good she wouldn't care to delve too far into them. In a relationship, you still make the offer rather than excluding the other person by default. So she did get backseated.

I'll move this part of the conversation if people want to continue it...it's getting a little bit away from the INTP/INFP flirting.

 

[treeleaning]

np...

I'm not sure about INFP/INTP pairings. They tend to be very decent friends because they operate similarly externally (they love to bounce Ne ideas off each other -- the NF offers sympathy and gives emotional affirmation, the NT is forthright and blunt and offers clarity)... but the Ti can clash with the Fi badly depending on the situation and specific beliefs.

INTPs unfortunately aren't continual "white knights," because of their desire for personal space and individual autonomy. When the situation demands it and they perceive a problem, they can leap in and save the day... again, IF they think it's important enough. Good at resolving catastrophes, bad at little daily things.

They're more apt to look at a damsel in distress, if she's in a long-term distress, and say, "Well, can't you save yourself?" Just not very good originally at maintenance activities...

ISFJ women, on the other hand, excel at maintenance but feel slighted if nothing is ever really returned.

So... if an INTP is looking for emotional/mental/NF on the outside, then it is possibly a lacking from the "stability" at home? It sounds to me therefore, that INTPs like to be taken care of - by someone who depends on them - but who still can operate within their own worlds as well providing the thus needed autonomy. Guys/girls searching on the outside are then looking for their cake and eating it to n'est pas?

So I hear from these sentiments here that the NF/NT pairings are not so ideal for the INTP? -

 

[Cypocalypse]

Sometimes, I just play the devil's advocate here--devil's advocate to my beliefs. Ne thing basically.

To some readers here it may appear overblown, so I'm sorry for that if I've created the wrong impression. I don't want to create the impression that my girlfriend is dumb whatsoever, but I'm just not in the mood right now to double check everything I write to make it appear politically correct in every sense.

Truth is, I can empathize a bit with the disposition of the creator of this thread, so that's probably one of the reasons why I don't double check what I write for the meantime and I just explain the other facets of the possible truth, but I sincerely don't have any intentions of overblowing anything. Really.

 

[Cypocalypse]

So... if an INTP is looking for emotional/mental/NF on the outside, then it is possibly a lacking from the "stability" at home? It sounds to me therefore, that INTPs like to be taken care of - by someone who depends on them - but who still can operate within their own worlds as well providing the thus needed autonomy. Guys/girls searching on the outside are then looking for their cake and eating it to n'est pas?

So I hear from these sentiments here that the NF/NT pairings are not so ideal for the INTP? -

I don't know for sure yet how an INTP/INFP relationship would pan out since I never had an INFP girlfriend, but quite a few friends.

Though for one, by default, I like an ISFJ's household know-how since I'm pathetic with regard to that. LOL!

It's just that there's something near-divine in some INFPs and the way they extract something from my subconscious that I thought the Ti already eradicated. LOL!

Jennifer is right. They make excellent friends. That's something i can confirm.

 

[Domino]

I'm just not in the mood right now to double check everything I write to make it appear politically correct in every sense.

Thanks for basement-ing the critical thinking skills of the thread posters. 'Preciate it.

 

[Totenkindly]

So... if an INTP is looking for emotional/mental/NF on the outside, then it is possibly a lacking from the "stability" at home? It sounds to me therefore, that INTPs like to be taken care of - by someone who depends on them - but who still can operate within their own worlds as well providing the thus needed autonomy. Guys/girls searching on the outside are then looking for their cake and eating it to n'est pas?

No, I didn't mean that at all... depending on how we define "stability."

(And please note that while I am describing tendencies in types... and the probable syncs/pitfalls... I can't speak for a particular individual like your friend, this is all just theoretical framing.)

His homelife can be stable in the sense the bills are paid, the clothes are washed, the meals are cooked, there is a schedule, he has a safe room all to himself, etc. And his wife could be very consistent in their interactions. Everything is predictable.

However, in a situation like that, I can imagine he would still be... bored. Because she's so interested in the tangibles that he can't share anything about the abstractions. There's also not a lot of mystery, usually. Or "ambiguous space" where the unexpected could happen. He doesn't really want the unexpected to happen in the daily routine, he just wants it to happen in the INTANGIBLE parts of the relationship.

But ISFJs tend to focus on roles and expectations, as defining the relationship. She usually wants everything spelled out. She wants to know what to do in a particular situation. He's probably not really resonating with that or happy with that as the pinnacle.

So when some woman comes along who seems imaginative, and slightly quirky/unpredictable/mysterious, and able to follow what he's saying and even push him a bit ahead of himself....well, there is a zap or connection there, he gets a jolt off it.

So I hear from these sentiments here that the NF/NT pairings are not so ideal for the INTP? -

I wouldn't make such a broad statement. It depends on the people in question and the specific type makeup. N's tend to do well with N's, and S's with S's. (I think it's the most significant pairing.) although obviously N's and S's can pair up and still build a happy life together. It's just easier when people share their PERCEPTION of the world, even if they process it differently.

(And ultimately in this case, I still go with PP's assessment.... get out of there. Even if you are attracted to him. He has to resolve his marriage, either way, before anything else happens. If he can't take the responsibility to do that, getting involved with him is only going to get you hurt in the long run, along with the others who are involved; the character flaw will persist and bite you in the tushie, believe me.)