[INTP] guide to an intp mate t/f?

[raincheckx3]

the guide to the INTP mate.


"1. Lots of sex
I dont think it is just me as an INTP who finds this a very important part of a relationship and the most important physical expression of love in a relationship - it is NOT a selfish act for selfish physical satisfaction. but hell, it is damn pleasing, too

2. Moral support
It is a tough world out there for INTPs

3. An equal
INTPs have no wish to dominate, and are crushed by domination

4. Someone who is next to unoffendable.
INTPs tend to lack tact, but also want and need to be brutally honest with thier intimate partners - they want someone who they can playfully insult, who will then either laugh in thier face or give it right back.

5. Someone who can accept them for who they are and not try to change them.
INTPs appear erratic to the casual observer in a relationship, for example - they appear to demand solitude one moment, sex the next. Non-INTPs find this VERY hard to reconcile with their typical conception of "love"

6. Someone who accepts the peculiar WAYS they show thier love.
Be it really, really sappy hopless-romantic type drivel or passionate physical expression, or just a touch or a simple look. The INTP way is very hard to catch, if you blink, you miss it. Non-INTPs tend to want tokens and words, not a slow dance in a room with no radio, not a quiet cuddle in front of the TV at the end of the day, or the other strange and random expressions that INTPs tend to give. [This ties in with #5.]

7. SPACE [as in both physical and emotional space]
In case it was missed, I'll mention it again: SPACE!! INTP men need their free time to pursue intellectual pursuits, and CAN NOT be:
a.) disturbed
b.) told they dont love thier partner because they spend too much time "alone", etc.
INTP men disappear for a while, then come out swinging. this FORCES most non-INTPs to think that the INTP partner only wants them for sex. This is wrong, but if the non-INTP is not capable of #5 and #6, they are forced to believe it.

8. Comforting. [this goes along with #2.]
The world sucks, particularly for INTPs. They are capable of an utterly staggering amount of patience and responsibility, but in the long run, without #2 and #8, the relationship will ultimately die, or the INTP will DIE a very real death. With #2 and #8, an INTP can take a spectacular amount of abuse, responsibility, and patience in life, as long as his partner supplies #2 and #8 in sufficient quantities.

9. An intellect. a person who can hold their own in a debate.
The words "you always think you are right!!" are the LAST words an INTP wants to hear from their mate. The INTP wants debate! Wants intellectual stimulation! If they doesnt get it at home, #7 becomes very very very important. If their mate can not handle #7, there will be PROBLEMS. If the mate can supply #9, the INTP will be very happily occupied with their mate for a long, long time.

10. Someone to learn with. [This goes with #9]
Someone who is interested in learning and intellectual stimulation. The INTP needs someone who they can learn with and enjoy the mysteries and adventures of life with. Someone who can understand their interest in the esoteric, show appreciation for their interests, and even join them in these interests, or introduce them to new ones.

11. Someone capable of self reflection and self analysis.
Often the INTP finds that they are the only one "growing" in a relationship, the only one who can see the problems in the relationship. This usually forces the INTP to be the one to change, to be the one to compromise for their partner. Because many non-INTPs have no true ability to self reflect the non-INTP thinks they are ALWAYS right. The INTP spends their life examining themselves and their relationship to see what they need to do to make it work. So they spend all their time critically analyzing it, and the mate does nothing but demand that they change. This will eventually lead to the spiritual DEATH of the INTP, if not the actual PHYSICAL death of the INTP. To avoid this, the INTP person NEEDS a mate who can examine the relationship WITH them, so they can grow TOGETHER."





















i found this on an intp forum and was just curious over how accurate it is...

 

[Oso Mocoso]

i found this on an intp forum and was just curious over how accurate it is...

That's really, really, demanding. It kinda sounds like an INTP who is looking for someone to be their doormat. Nah, I kinda recognize where that's coming from but it strikes me as immature. I mean, as much as I desire a partner who will occasionally indulge my moodiness and whatnot, I don't expect someone to always cater to me. Any romantic partner is just as entitled to have their own needs and quirks. The only thing that's really not negotiable is if they want me to dominate them or if they want to dominate me. I never responded very well to any romantic relationship that wasn't based in equality. To me, that aspect of this is spot on. The rest is less so.

The bit about "accept that I show my love differently" and "don't try to change me" ... please. If you really care about someone you learn how they like to be shown love, and then try to make them happy. It doesn't work the other way around.

 

[Totenkindly]

Basically my angle is like Oso's. The list seems either a little presumptuous on the part of the INTP ("What about the OTHER person?") or things that everyone wants.

The equality thing is big for me, though, too. I do not like people who try to dominate me, nor do I like it when they expect me to dominate them.


1. Lots of sex

With great sex comes great responsibility.

INTPs are playful and like to explore/experiment with sex, but there's still a strong relational component to sex long-term... and a relationship is about more than sex.

2. Moral support. It is a tough world out there for INTPs

It's a tough world for anyone. What sort of successful LTR doesn't offer both partners some moral support??

3. An equal: INTPs have no wish to dominate, and are crushed by domination
If the relationship ventures into control of any sort, it's usually bad for an INTP. Generally, they don't like to control others (except usually just to be left alone); and they don't like it when the other person expects THEM to be in charge. Basically both partners are responsible adults who are supposed to take the initiative to bring something up if it's bothering them.

4. Someone who is next to unoffendable.
This can be helpful, since if the partner is easily offended, the INTP might feel stifled. But honestly, the INTP can afford to learn a LITTLE bit of tact, at least; they can't expect to just say and do whatever they want and that everyone else will suck it up for them.


5. Someone who can accept them for who they are and not try to change them.

Anyone wants this.


6. Someone who accepts the peculiar WAYS they show their love.
Anyone wants this. And the INTP needs to remember that other people show THEIR love differently than the INTP, perhaps, and so the INTP needs to accommodate THEM instead of demanding they accommodate the INTP all the time.


7. SPACE
Space is good, INTPs need it... but again, other types need more closeness than an INTP might desire. SO the INTP has to compromise.

INTP men need their free time to pursue intellectual pursuits, and CAN NOT be:
a.) disturbed
b.) told they dont love thier partner because they spend too much time "alone", etc.

An INTP man has to accept the fact that he is in an LTR and HAS put himself in a position where he has to allow himself, SOMETIMES, to (a) be disturbed, AND (b) expected to show his partner he loves her by spending more time with her than perhaps he feels like spending sometimes. If he consistently puts his projects above his partner, he can kiss this relationship goodbye.


8. Comforting --The world sucks, particularly for INTPs.

Oh, suck it UP. The world sucks for LOTS of people, in different ways. The INTP needs to be dishing out the comfort and also asking for it, if s/he wants it. The last thing s/he needs to be, however, is babied. Most partners, if they sense the INTP is committed and patient, will go out of their way to be there for them.

9. An intellect. a person who can hold their own in a debate.
This one is helpful and does help solidify the relationship but is not always necessary. INTPs can build a successful relationship on other principles, if they find someone else to "fill in" for things like this their partner might not excel in.

10. Someone to learn with.
Same here. Most people are willing to learn, but just not the same way or extent as the INTP. It's helpful but not necessary if other parts of the relationship are strong.

11. Someone capable of self reflection and self analysis.
Again, helpful. But the description makes me laugh.

Often the INTP finds that they are the only one "growing" in a relationship, the only one who can see the problems in the relationship. This usually forces the INTP to be the one to change, to be the one to compromise for their partner. Because many non-INTPs have no true ability to self reflect the non-INTP thinks they are ALWAYS right. The INTP spends their life examining themselves and their relationship to see what they need to do to make it work. So they spend all their time critically analyzing it, and the mate does nothing but demand that they change. This will eventually lead to the spiritual DEATH of the INTP, if not the actual PHYSICAL death of the INTP. To avoid this, the INTP person NEEDS a mate who can examine the relationship WITH them, so they can grow TOGETHER."

Do you know what I see? In some ways the INTP has clearer vision (when it comes to the impersonal analysis), but when it comes to knowing how to build a deep intimate relationship, the INTP has his/her head up his/her ass. They would do well to learn what they can from the OTHER person and ease up on demanding the other person contributes the same thing to the relationship as they do.

This # seems to be from a young INTP (teens or early/mid 20's) who has not yet figured out that there's more to life and relationships than the vaunted detached analysis.


Hopefully my bluntness does not offend. It shouldn't; after all, INTPs are almost unoffendable and expect their mates to be.

 

[entropie]

I think, if you are not in a relationship, it is the worst thing you can do, if you start to formulate rules for yourself, how your ideal partner has to treat yourself. Because of a relationship being about compromise.

If you are in a relationship and you would stick to that rules above, you would need a very rich partner, because from what I see, it is more about taking than giving.

I understand the fact that iNTp's may need to talk a lot about things, but I think such talking is best when done with your special one.

There are special ones out there, with whose you together can create something much much more larger than life. That makes talk about one's special demands utterly pointless.

 

[entropie]

I reply too slow

Jennifer summed my point of view up

 

[nozflubber]

Haha, I'm reminded of this.

Irrational Exuberance isn't just about economics.

 

[entropie]

*lol* that's quite a list xD

116. Puts pictures of me in his car and wallet [and in the toilet for darting]

xDD

 

[cafe]

I don't know what all INTPs want, but my INTP, I have a pretty good idea. I've devoted a decent portion of my adult life to learning him.

1. Sex is important of course. No one wants to feel undesirable or rejected. It was more of a big deal in our twenties than it is in our thirties. Maybe because his hormones were going stronger and because I was exhausted from caring for little kids all day, I don't know.

2. Moral support is something everybody needs. He doesn't need a lot of active moral support, though. Giving active moral support hasn't really seemed that helpful to him on very many occasions. Just not second-guessing him all the time, criticizing him, nagging him, or busting his balls seems to suffice.

3. Autonomy is important to my INTP, both for himself and as a principle. Playful domination is okay. Real attempts at domination do not so much crush him as turn him into an obstinate mule-head. Not fun.

4. I'm about as thin-skinned as a person can get and my husband rarely offends me. Maybe it's because his mother was volatile growing up, but he's very thoughtful and considerate with his words. At the same time, I know his kind heart and how much he loves me, so if something comes off as offensive, I give him a chance to explain, etc, before I fly off the handle. Most of the time. Sometimes I just tease him.

5. Not treating your partner like a fixer-upper is just a no-brainer regardless of type.

6. It's just as bad to make weird justifications about what all non-intps want as it is to not recognize the particular way in which an INTP might show love. INTPs are big boys and girls, they can learn how to show love in a way that makes their partners feel loved. Yes, it's important to recognize the way your partner expresses love and affection, but that is important for anyone who wants to have a successful relationship.

My INTP is an affectionate guy, both verbally and physically. The tokens, the traditional tokens, aren't a big deal to me. It's the meaning behind gifts, the feeling that he truly knows me or he's been paying attention to what I want, that is what means something to me, whether it's a candy bar, an anniversary card, or some spiffy electronic device. I don't know if that makes me weird or not.

7. All introverts need their space. Heck, even extroverts need space now and again. It's good for INTPs to get their time to recharge, but once again, they are big boys and girls. Everybody has to give a little. My guy spends the majority of his 12+ hour work days alone and that seems to be adequate for him most of the time. We are pretty content as long as we have our own computers. We can share a bathroom, but we can't share computers.

8. I don't think my husband's need for comforting is that much higher than the average person. Life is hard. We shelter and comfort one another.

9. The LAST thing my husband wants is a debate. Someone to talk about a variety of subjects, someone he can share what he's learned through his reading, etc, someone to toss around ideas and solve the world's problems with? Absolutely. But he does not desire debates with his lover. He wants a soft place to land.

10. More someone who values learning than someone to learn with. We tend to both pursue our own interests, and so have interesting things to talk about when we are together.

11. Um . . . not so much. I have never really noticed this desire to grow the relationship in my INTP. I tend to do most of the thought on improving the relationship and as much as it galls my somewhat feminist nature to admit it, I do most of the changing and adapting. He is a good, kind, loving man, but he is not one to change much. He just wants to be.

I have had to change a lot about the way I do things and the way I relate because he's pretty much how he is and I can either find ways to be happy around him as he is or I can be unhappy. I think I kind of enjoy the challenge because I'm a relationship troubleshooter by nature and I see myself as my own DIY project. I see change as evolution, not as being dismembered. Maybe it is different with other INTP pairings, but with an INFJ and many NFs really, it's all about growth and development and improvement.

That's not to say my INTP has not grown and matured a great deal over the course of our relationship. He really has and I'm beyond pleased with that, but it's just not the focus of his life like it is with me.

And I don't think all INTPs want the same thing in a relationship. Those really vary from person to person.

 

[mippus]

Does it scare you, Rain?
It should...
Notice the horrible paradox in the "leave me alone vs comfort me" thing...

 

[Totenkindly]

I reply too slow

Jennifer summed my point of view up

Actually, I probably beat it to death in gory detail.
You did the summation.

 

[PlumGarden]

I am also married to an INTP and so far your post (referring to Cafe's) has been the most positive and reassuring one I have read. Thank you! I will probably refer back to this many times.

As an F, I have found it extremely difficult to connect with my spouse on any kind of intimate level (not meaning sex per se) but just that F bonding. While we love each other and have a mutual intrigue with each other, we just don't seem to really "get" each other. Just curious as to how you've learned to overcome that, if you would feel free to share that info.

Otherwise, thanks again and it was good to see insight into the intp/ixfp relationship. I am an isfp but your comments also fit my experience as well.

 

[INTPatricia]

list of what an intp wants inside of a relationship

What would make me happy:


Although my personal list would be:

1. Space <--me

2. Unlimited Sex <--me

3. A Housekeeper <--me

:horor: <--expression of housekeepers

(this isn't much to ask when you think that you get to have an intp all to yourself)

(Since I am not anybody's wife...shocker, there...this is as yet, untested)


I found the following list online, and I think it is pretty good:

ice_angel's "What an INTP wife wants."


What an INTP Wants:

1. Moral support
We don't act as the conventional happy homemaker, but as the wife (our definition), parent, and informative supplier of knowledge and growth.

2. Someone who sees us as we see ourselves...
You have not only accept our persona, but also embrace the person who we see ourselves as.

3. SPACE!!!
This too is a much desired attribute in a mate (we love reflection time...its so calming and it energizes us. )

4. Understanding
If we are so lenient I think that we should deserve the same. If I don't want to do something at the exact moment they should try their best to understand as we have to do.

5. A Sweetheart
No I don't mean a cruise that cost a million dollars. Or even that perfect outfit in the window. We don't care about that. Sometimes we just want someone who will be creative and make the most of what they've got (i.e. The sexiest thing for me would be just spending time cuddling or talking about something or someone who wants me to hold his head and comfort him..followed with a little sex though.)

6. Lots of Sex
This one INTP men should love a lot (SEX). Something that I'm sure most INTP women really enjoy maybe almost as much as the men if not more. Usually we don't express our feelings so sex is one way to let you men know that we appericate you!

7. Intelligence
An intelligent man (no I don't mean someone with an impressive IQ). Just someone we can have a civilized and intelligent theoretical or real conversation with. You just can't have good sex with a person as dumb as a crashdummie.

8. Eccentricity
Someone a little eccentric (quirky, kinky)This one is mainly my perception...Its very comforting to have someone as weird as you are.

 

[mortabunt]

Actually, I probably beat it to death in gory detail.
You did the summation.

I thought that you more accurately chainsawed it. I cut it to fleshy strings with the machette of INTP brutality.

 

[Spamtar]

I first read the list and said. Dang that is a reasonable list and it would be great if the other partner just substantially abided by this list. Even thought of printing out the list as my potential partners obligation to our social compact (maybe even incorporate them into our wedding vows ;-) )
Then I read Jennifer's amusing and poignant rebuttal.
Afterward I just said to myself...I guess its too much to ask another person. Think I will stay out of LTRs.
No wonder INTP males are statistically the most dissatisfying relationships for women, we think these conditions are not only reasonable but also satisfying to the partner.

 

[Blank]

I just thought it would be a badass relationship.

Eh, I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm tired, so I'm going to take a shower and go to sleeeeeeep. G'night.

 

[Blank]

I just thought it would be a badass relationship.

Eh, I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm tired, so I'm going to take a shower and go to sleeeeeeep. G'night.

 

[SerengetiBetty]

this list sounds like something from someone very immature regardless of type who hasn't been in many relationships. It's basically I want what I want when I want it,so there. I think they make blow up dolls for that? That person could even record affirmative messages and attach the mp3 player to said blowup doll.

 

[Shimmy]

the guide to the INTP mate.


"1. Lots of sex
I dont think it is just me as an INTP who finds this a very important part of a relationship and the most important physical expression of love in a relationship - it is NOT a selfish act for selfish physical satisfaction. but hell, it is damn pleasing, too

2. Moral support
It is a tough world out there for INTPs

3. An equal
INTPs have no wish to dominate, and are crushed by domination

4. Someone who is next to unoffendable.
INTPs tend to lack tact, but also want and need to be brutally honest with thier intimate partners - they want someone who they can playfully insult, who will then either laugh in thier face or give it right back.

5. Someone who can accept them for who they are and not try to change them.
INTPs appear erratic to the casual observer in a relationship, for example - they appear to demand solitude one moment, sex the next. Non-INTPs find this VERY hard to reconcile with their typical conception of "love"

6. Someone who accepts the peculiar WAYS they show thier love.
Be it really, really sappy hopless-romantic type drivel or passionate physical expression, or just a touch or a simple look. The INTP way is very hard to catch, if you blink, you miss it. Non-INTPs tend to want tokens and words, not a slow dance in a room with no radio, not a quiet cuddle in front of the TV at the end of the day, or the other strange and random expressions that INTPs tend to give. [This ties in with #5.]

7. SPACE [as in both physical and emotional space]
In case it was missed, I'll mention it again: SPACE!! INTP men need their free time to pursue intellectual pursuits, and CAN NOT be:
a.) disturbed
b.) told they dont love thier partner because they spend too much time "alone", etc.
INTP men disappear for a while, then come out swinging. this FORCES most non-INTPs to think that the INTP partner only wants them for sex. This is wrong, but if the non-INTP is not capable of #5 and #6, they are forced to believe it.

8. Comforting. [this goes along with #2.]
The world sucks, particularly for INTPs. They are capable of an utterly staggering amount of patience and responsibility, but in the long run, without #2 and #8, the relationship will ultimately die, or the INTP will DIE a very real death. With #2 and #8, an INTP can take a spectacular amount of abuse, responsibility, and patience in life, as long as his partner supplies #2 and #8 in sufficient quantities.

9. An intellect. a person who can hold their own in a debate.
The words "you always think you are right!!" are the LAST words an INTP wants to hear from their mate. The INTP wants debate! Wants intellectual stimulation! If they doesnt get it at home, #7 becomes very very very important. If their mate can not handle #7, there will be PROBLEMS. If the mate can supply #9, the INTP will be very happily occupied with their mate for a long, long time.

10. Someone to learn with. [This goes with #9]
Someone who is interested in learning and intellectual stimulation. The INTP needs someone who they can learn with and enjoy the mysteries and adventures of life with. Someone who can understand their interest in the esoteric, show appreciation for their interests, and even join them in these interests, or introduce them to new ones.

11. Someone capable of self reflection and self analysis.
Often the INTP finds that they are the only one "growing" in a relationship, the only one who can see the problems in the relationship. This usually forces the INTP to be the one to change, to be the one to compromise for their partner. Because many non-INTPs have no true ability to self reflect the non-INTP thinks they are ALWAYS right. The INTP spends their life examining themselves and their relationship to see what they need to do to make it work. So they spend all their time critically analyzing it, and the mate does nothing but demand that they change. This will eventually lead to the spiritual DEATH of the INTP, if not the actual PHYSICAL death of the INTP. To avoid this, the INTP person NEEDS a mate who can examine the relationship WITH them, so they can grow TOGETHER."





















i found this on an intp forum and was just curious over how accurate it is...

Sure these are all things I want in a relationship. But I don't go keep it as a check list every time I meet a potential mate. I think people have a couple of subconscious filters in place when meeting new people. If two people meet each other and pass each others filters then they can become friends/mates. Of your list only 3, 5 (basically the same thing) and 11 are really important to me. And I've never even talked to anyone who doesn't agree that these things are important in any relationship. And what isn't even on your list, but is way more important to me is that me and a girlfriend are compatible emotionally. I'm not one to let my guard down easily, but if I come home I want either to be alone or find someone I can share not only my thoughts, but more importantly, my feelings with.

But yeah, if you want a cold hard list on what INTP's might consider important in relationships this is a rather good one.

Afterward I just said to myself...I guess its too much to ask another person. Think I will stay out of LTRs.
No wonder INTP males are statistically the most dissatisfying relationships for women, we think these conditions are not only reasonable but also satisfying to the partner.

There's a Dutch saying: "On every jar fits a lid." Meaning that there's always someone out there who is compatible with you.

 

[Fluffywolf]

1. Lots of sex
I'm not against sex with someone I love. But lots would probably just get in the way. I suppose it depends on the definition of lots. I'd prefer making love with someone for an entire day a week as opposed to an hour here and there during the week.

2. Moral support
This was true for when I was younger, but it isn't much of an issue for me anymore. The only thing I do require regarding this is that my view is at the least respected. It does not need to be supported. And I expect the same in return. (There is no way I will support someone with something I don't agree with or find important.)

3. An equal
Probably most important. General wise. I don't mind playing games in the bedroom here and there however.

4. Someone who is next to unoffendable.
Generally yes, I agree. Someone being/feeling offended is unnatural for me. I myself am very hard to offend and when I am I will have a very good reason. I don't mind other people being offended for good reasons, but I would hate people to be offended for things that should not matter.

5. Someone who can accept them for who they are and not try to change them.
Very important. I quickly loose interest in anyone trying to change me persistantly. People are allowed to try and persuade me however, but no is no.

6. Someone who accepts the peculiar WAYS they show thier love.
Not that important. Accepting me for who I am is more important than accepting my peculiar ways. I don't feel threatened at all if someone doesn't find my ways appropiate or normal. It was important for me when I was younger however.

7. SPACE [as in both physical and emotional space]
Space is a bit of a subjective thing for me now. When I was younger I really needed alone time now and then. Nowadays I can be alone with someone else perfectly fine as well. It's like brain multitasking. As long as people don't feel offended if I may appear a little bit 'out there' now and again.

8. Comforting. [this goes along with #2.]
True for when I was younger, but I function perfectly fine now without comfort. I also don't actively seek comfort. If something very heavy happens and I do want comfort, I will seek it. But this is rare nowadays.

9. An intellect. a person who can hold their own in a debate.
This is pretty important to keep up my interest in someone. I'm always up there (brainpicking) in order to reach a better understanding in all kinds of things. It's my drive in life, which will exist until the day I die. Someone that can keep up with me will definatly remain interesting to me throughout my life. Someone who can't I'll probably grow away from.

10. Someone to learn with. [This goes with #9]
See 9 indeed.

11. Someone capable of self reflection and self analysis.
Also see 9. It's important in order to reach better understanding without falling to false understanding, and thus important for me.




It is very accurate for me for when I was < 21 years old (The main points that is, some odd descriptions here and there aside). But only partially now, I'm pretty stubborn nowadays..

 

[jellyfish]

Wow, this INTP does seem pretty young, be it mentally or in actual years. And that's coming from someone not yet out of high school...

Let's see...
1. Doesn't really matter to me.
2. Who doesn't want it?
3.Yes. I don't want to take care of someone else, or be taken care of.
4. Well, I hope this person wouldn't look for ways to be offended. Otherwise, I can contain myself...
5. This should pretty much be the base of every healthy relationship...
6. Hm. I probably wouldn't work well with someone who demanded lots of cuddling in order to feel loved. Low-maintenance is good.
7. Space is good.
8. Not beyond the average person's needs. Perhaps even less than the average person's need for it.
9. I'd like someone who's intelligent, but debates aren't much my thing.
10. This would be nice, but if we have completely different interests I wouldn't mind not going through it together.
11. Yes.