Hello, everyone. I feel very desperate so I am asking INTP's help to see if my marriage can be saved, or even it is worth of any efforts.
I am an ISFJ, and my husband is an INTP. We dated for three years before getting married, and our marriage is a little over two years. When we were dating, we were living in the seperate cities which are less two hours by driving. We saw each other during weekends and holidays. We have many common interests, like hiking, camping, and travelling. I loved him very much because he was very intellegent, sincere and very highly educated. Before we got married, my husband got a job in a country on the other side of the world. I asked him that there were many temptations and how he could stay with me since we were not going to see each other often. He said he would be very busy with work and he wouldn't have time to persue other women. I knew he loved me when he asked me to marry him because when I worked around the house his eyes always followed me with the affection. I treat commitment very seriously and I thought he would do the same.
During the two years of marrige, we saw each other when traveling. Addition to that, I went to visit him three times and he came back once. Later on, he decided to move back. He also rejected a very good job opportunity because he thought he wanted to move back and stay with me.
Before he moved back, we decided to go on a long trip about a month. We planned this adventure for a few months. When I saw him in that trip, he was happy to see me, but he checked his emails a lot on his iPhone, and I wasn't happy for that. Of course, as an ISFJ, I didn't tell him how I feel when he was so obsessed with his phone. I just put up with it.
We had a great time in the trip. After he moved back, he went back to his old job and planned to live in his old city which is two hours away from me. He had to stay at my place for three weeks so he drove two hours to go to work. Sometimes he didn't need to go to work and he just stayed at home. Since he came back, he was still obsessed with his iPhone and totally ignored me. I didn't understand he needed space so I followed him whereever he was. I hugged him and kissed him. I told him I wanted some attentions. When I didn't receive any, I was emotional. I thought he finally moved back and would move again soon, there should be some emotions like needing each other, appreciating the time we were together. No. he wasn't like that. He was on his laptop a lot. If not laptop, he would be sleeping or on the iPhone.
I was too curious about what he was doing on his iPhone, so I checked his phone and laptop. I am not proud of this and I hated it when I had to do it.
It turned out that he communicated with a girl at his old job (the job in the faraway country). They were trading emails a lot. Even though none of them were about relationship, I still felt being cheated. They were talking on Skype for four hours when it was day time here and night time for the girl. The girl sent him many photos of herself. I questioned him. He said she was just a student and he was helping her with her project. It looked like he sent her emails when taking on a plane, landed somewhere, saw some interesting things during our last vacation. He didn't send me emails like that since we went our vacation from different area. I would have loved to know where he was.
I questioned him, so he knew I checked his emails. He wasn't mad, he said he wouldn't do that again. A few days later, I found he created another email account to chat with her.
He finally found a place to stay in the other city. On the day he left, I was emotional and questioning why he didn't give me any attentions and where our relationship were at. He told me that he never loved me. He was mad about losing the job opportunity because of me. He never told me he was mad about that before. He said he had to think about our marriage over. When we got married, he didn't think enough about career, family..
After he left, I experienced very difficult time. I sent him email and said it was marriage convenience when I sponsored him to come back and he left me right after that. (I truely believe he doesn't need to use me to come back because he is highly educated and can come back by himself.) I also ask him to discuss procedures and processes of divorce. He called me and asked to see me the following weekend. He came back and looked like he was the person I knew before. He said he couldn't focus on career these days because of the unstable private life, so he closed that email account and felt sorry about what he did to me. He said he wouldn't chat with her personally and they will just meet with a group for some work they are doing. I believed him. Before he left, we said love to each other. He said he liked my personality because I was nice to everyone. I am also the best choice as a mate because I am relaxed and can take care of people. He said he was attracted to career woman that was why he chatted with her, but two carreer poeple wouldn't have chance to stay together. They were in similar situation when both of them are changing career and they have many common interests. He said he was attracted to her and he thought she was attracted to him too. He loved me as a boyfriend and he still loved me as a husband.
However, I still feel he has feelings towards that woman. He asked me what love is. He said that I talked about love a lot. He also said "you feel the love when you lost someone". I think he meant by that woman. He was sad about losing her. Also, at night, when he was sleeping, I hear him saying her name. However, he said to me "you know nothing is going to happen before me and her, right?".
After he left, I found on the day he came back and apologized to me, he created another email account with Soul Mate as the name. I feel deeply hurt. I don't know if I should trust this guy anymore.
I do love him very much. I think during our seperation, we didn't have time to chat online that much or talk in person. I think I ignored him a little because of my busy schedule and since I knew he would move back. I want to save my marriage, but don't know how, or even it is worthy. I read that INTP are not cheaters but I am still afraid of being cheated if we ever get back together. Maybe I am not looking into the situation clearly. Any thoughts? Has he drifted away from me for too far?