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  1. #21
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Please please seek marriage counseling.

    I hope that he goes with you.

    I know someone who is the counselor to a couple just like you and the husband in this couple started out acting exactly like your husband and now they are both making huge strides (especially him) and things are getting better between them. It's miraculous but I think they needed that 3rd party to mediate and to help them dispel any stubborn delusions they have, individually.

    Also, please try your best to live in the same place. Long-distance is a relationship killer.

  2. #22
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Ew, how the hell did you manage to stand all that? I'd say, given that you don't have children and/or a mortgage, you should completely cut contact with him and let a lawyer deal with the divorce papers. 5 years are a long time, just imagine wasting 5 more years with this relationship - that's a good way to make someone's life a complete disaster.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  3. #23
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    Ew, how the hell did you manage to stand all that? I'd say, given that you don't have children and/or a mortgage, you should completely cut contact with him and let a lawyer deal with the divorce papers. 5 years are a long time, just imagine wasting 5 more years with this relationship - that's a good way to make someone's life a complete disaster.
    Kind of a good point. If things don't get better soon, then don't let another 5 years go by.

  4. #24
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hopeless ISFJ View Post
    (I truely believe he doesn't need to use me to come back because he is highly educated and can come back by himself.)

    However, I still feel he has feelings towards that woman. He asked me what love is. He said that I talked about love a lot. He also said "you feel the love when you lost someone". I think he meant by that woman. He was sad about losing her. Also, at night, when he was sleeping, I hear him saying her name. However, he said to me "you know nothing is going to happen before me and her, right?".

    After he left, I found on the day he came back and apologized to me, he created another email account with Soul Mate as the name. I feel deeply hurt. I don't know if I should trust this guy anymore.

    I do love him very much. I think during our seperation, we didn't have time to chat online that much or talk in person. I think I ignored him a little because of my busy schedule and since I knew he would move back. I want to save my marriage, but don't know how, or even it is worthy.
    He is using you. You are his fluffy ISFJ cushion. She is his fantasy. Fantasy usually has more power for INTPs than home comforts do.
    I read that INTP are not cheaters
    Don't believe everything you read.
    Has he drifted away from me for too far?
    Yes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mad Hatter View Post
    I'd agree that INTPs in general are not cheaters. I have nothing to back that up,
    Quite.


    He is a supremely selfish fuck. Stop accommodating/enabling him. Of course, this will probably mean he will want you back. Resist that. Value yourself a little.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salomé View Post
    He is using you. You are his fluffy ISFJ cushion. She is his fantasy. Fantasy usually has more power for INTPs than home comfort.
    I think this is very true and I while I do not know if this one cheated, I know from my own life that while INTPs tend to be generally honest they can and do cheat and often are really good at covering it up.

  6. #26
    Senior Member Circle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ten View Post
    I think this is very true and I while I do not know if this one cheated, I know from my own life that while INTPs tend to be generally honest they can and do cheat and often are really good at covering it up.
    This seems like one of those cases where if it's not working, it's not working. If a man fantasizes about other women to the degree that he has dropped out of intimacy and connection with his wife, then that is a big problem. I would stake out what I needed and if he could not come through I would try my best to move on.

    The marriage counseling advice seems really good and fair. Get a professional third party involved. If he is unwilling, that is an important sign of his commitment to the marriage project.

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Circle View Post
    This seems like one of those cases where if it's not working, it's not working. If a man fantasizes about other women to the degree that he has dropped out of intimacy and connection with his wife, then that is a big problem. I would stake out what I needed and if he could not come through I would try my best to move on.

    The marriage counseling advice seems really good and fair. Get a professional third party involved. If he is unwilling, that is an important sign of his commitment to the marriage project.
    I agree with what you have said here except for the marriage counseling part. I am not sure that counseling even works, couples who have had it IME, just seem to be people who are trying to fit a square into a round hole. My own thinking on the matter is that if your relationship is so much hard work and you even now need to get a third party involved then that is a sign that the relationship is just not meant to be.

  8. #28
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    First of all, I don't think you should invest more into this INTP, he seems to have issues that even I don't understand. But marriage counseling is a good last resort if you want to see if your marriage can be saved nonetheless. If that wouldn't work out, you really tried everything and should cut your losses.

    Hmm, I wouldn't be someone who would be accepting counceling with open arms, as the concept of having someone else than me in charge of my thoughts is one I would want to rebel against, but for the sake of a relationship I would want to try it. Still, having said that, if you go to your INTP and tell him you should get marriage counseling together while being all angry and fussy about it, it's probably not going to have him consider it.

    If you sit down, explain you want to improve things and work things out and want to go to marriage counseling because you care about him and don't want to lose him, it should be enough to persuade him into seriously considering and being open to it. If he is still not, then yeah, I don't think your marriage could (or should) be saved.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  9. #29
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    He IS cheating. It's called an emotional affair.

    You need to set boundaries with him & let him know he needs to meet you half way. If he wants this marriage to work, then he needs to stop communicating with that other woman outside of business (which should be as impersonal & brief as possible, especially private emails).

    You don't have to & probably shouldn't make ultimatums or demands, but do state clear needs & expectations without making them into "guilt trips". Remember that INTPs tend to tune out such expressions as emotional noise, so be as clear & concise as possible so he accepts it as reasonable. Ask him what you can do to meet his needs better also. Resist making it about who is right/wrong & more about finding solutions.

    I would try & set up a time period for some of these changes, especially in regards to re-earning trust & him making a firm decision about he wants. Let him know there is no revolving door - he's in or out & he needs to decide soon.

    You need to work out the distance situation also. It's hard to make a marriage work when you're apart a lot. People often fall into emotional affairs in such situations.

    I agree with those who suggest marriage counseling, if possible. I've seen it work for lots of people. Many people never learned good skills, and they will fail in future relationships too because they'll keep bringing the same problems into them. The counseling helps you learn better skills & manage normal incompatibilities that any two people will have.

    How real is the possibility that he married you for citizenship or legal right to work/live where you are? Was this just something you threw out in emotion?
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  10. #30

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    Hi, I want to thank each one of you giving me the valuable advices and support. In these few weeks, I kept my schedule really busy and avoided any possible contacts with him just to detach my feelings towards him and can finally face him again. I came back to this site to read your comments and they helped me stay strong. Can't say enough thank you for this.

    I finally thought through and called him to discuss our divorce. However, he disagree with me. He said he gave up so many things to come back here. It didn't make sense for him to give up the marrige. I asked him to think about it and we will discuss again later this week. If he insisted to keep the marrige, I will ask for marrige counselling and cut the ties with the other woman. However, I think we will still have problems in the long run. I looked up to him because i saw how he interacted with other people, but I don't respect him anymore. He is way too immature for me and our marrige.

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