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  1. #11
    F CK all I need is U ilikeitlikethat's Avatar
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    I'm sure your INTP loves you if you're the one you INTP wants to be with, question is, do you want to be with your INTP? @Hopeless ISFJ

  2. #12
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    i'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you two have had much togetherness through all of this.

    i don't think his heart is where it needs to be to make it work.

    my advice would be to say everything you need/want/feel and if he can't provide it then leave...without regret.

    i would personally not even give him the opportunity but it sounds like you want to.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #13
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    @op everything others said

    Quote Originally Posted by Tigerlily View Post
    Truth! MBTI is an indicator!
    its an indicator because the assessment indicates towards jungian type, doesent determine your type(and results are written in simplistic way, so that everyone can understand it). the word indicator has nothing to do with indication of behavior.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

    Read

  4. #14
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mad Hatter View Post
    In regards to b), I agree with what others have said. Honestly, I don't think that something happened (physically) between the INTP and that woman, if he told you it didn't, and I'd agree that INTPs in general are not cheaters. I have nothing to back that up, just my gut feeling. However, and this is more important relationship-wise: There definitely is an emotional connection between that woman. Again, this would not be problematic in itself. But you said yourself that you're uncomfortable with it, and you told him - and he obviously didn't change his behavior, and I think that this is what speaks most strongly against him. It's not indifelity, but apparent lack of commitment and willingness to compromise and adapt - maybe not in general, but a) on issues that matter to you and b) not to the degree with which you'll be satisfied.
    Yes, that was my perception too, if it matters.

    He said he liked my personality because I was nice to everyone. I am also the best choice as a mate because I am relaxed and can take care of people. He said he was attracted to career woman that was why he chatted with her, but two carreer poeple wouldn't have chance to stay together. They were in similar situation when both of them are changing career and they have many common interests. He said he was attracted to her and he thought she was attracted to him too. He loved me as a boyfriend and he still loved me as a husband.
    See, he seems to do a lot of rationalization and "sensible choices" at this point in his life. I think this is why he is vascilating. he sounds like a relationally young INTP to me. His brain is trying to rationalize whether a relationship is good for him and he tries to keep emotions out of that rationalization, but of course he can't; so then shortly after, he gets whomped by emotional intensity and desire for someone and gives the OTHER response, then his rational brain kicks back in and tries to get a hold of the situation and put emotions back in their place. He's going to need time to work through that mess and understand that relationships aren't really a "rational" brain process in terms of objectifying them and rationally having clear cause-effect in place. There's a strong emotional and personal/subjective desire part too, that he is susceptible to just from being human; I don't think he has embraced that yet and so his marriage is suffering this fallout until he figures it out.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #15
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by violaine View Post
    If it were me and I wanted to get to the heart of things, I would get marriage counseling with him. If he refuses, that's a good indication of unwillingness to work at your relationship. After these things happen in a relationship, a person needs to examine if the other person is still worthy of their love - rather than continuing to have feelings out of habit.

    Are you two planning on living together? I think it's very hard to maintain a relationship at a distance. And especially when the trust has already been broken. I personally couldn't be with someone I didn't trust. Also, I'd be very wary as to if he is telling you the full truth about the woman he is talking to.
    I completely agree with all of that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    In all honesty, it doesn't matter if he is an INTP or a fork.
    Right. Type has nothing to do with this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hopeless ISFJ View Post
    Thanks all for your reply. It is difficult to see your comments, but I kind of knew that is where we are going. I had the sixth sense that I should leave him, but can't make up my mind. I don't think the marrige was solely because he wanted to move back since he had a better future in that country and much better pay. And it is not difficult for him to move back by himself. We discussed to move back because I wanted him to be back.

    I didn't want to leave him because maybe we were separated for too long or maybe there is something missing in our marrige so he is seeking it from the other woman. I thought we should reconnect each other first and find out if we are indeed hopeless. However, maintaining a marrige is two people's job. He has to make an effort for it. I sent him an email two days ago and told him I won't get him deported, but just want to point out what he did to me is wrong. I hope he would tell me the truth after that. He said he was going to call me this weekend. Maybe the truth will come out. Maybe he will ask for divorce or maybe won't. He was still vey caring when he had full attention to me, and he was generally a very honest person. marriage counseling is a good idea. I will suggest that first. I waited him for so long and don't mind to have another months or two. I won't get my hope up and won't trust him so easily either.

    Thank you all for your kindness.
    He's not showing any interest in your marriage. He's not showing any respect for you. What makes this all the more bizarre is that you just got married. 2 years is not a very long time. There have been a lot of good suggestions here - give him a time limit, get a counselor, tell him what you need and if he can't give it to you then end it. I would do all three of those things and I would not wait for him to initiate. You need to take control of the situation.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

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  6. #16
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    First, I agree with highlander - time limit, counselor, and letting him know your needs.

    Secondly, have you asked him what he thinks the iPhone woman is giving him that you are not? What is it about a "career woman" that attracts him? That is what I'd be curious about. What I have found is that sometimes in my relationships when I feel like I am missing something, I will turn elsewhere and focus on something that provides me with it. That has been another person before, but I have never longed for that other person in a romantic sense - maybe I just was getting deep theoretical conversation from them. It seems like he feels "disconnected" from you.

  7. #17
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    First, I agree with highlander - time limit, counselor, and letting him know your needs.

    Secondly, have you asked him what he thinks the iPhone woman is giving him that you are not? What is it about a "career woman" that attracts him? That is what I'd be curious about. What I have found is that sometimes in my relationships when I feel like I am missing something, I will turn elsewhere and focus on something that provides me with it. That has been another person before, but I have never longed for that other person in a romantic sense - maybe I just was getting deep theoretical conversation from them. It seems like he feels "disconnected" from you.

    I'm sorry you're having to go through this and I hope things work out for you both - even if not, you sound like a very sincere and sweet person, and I am sure you will thrive regardless.

  8. #18
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    In all honesty, it doesn't matter if he is an INTP or a fork... he sucks.

    After reading through all of this, I don't understand why you would want to make this work. You deserve so much better than this behavior. He sounds incredibly immature and selfish.

    I suggest you get a therapist, and a divorce. Stop overanalyzing everything you have done in an effort to find out where YOU went wrong. It isn't going to help your self esteem at all.

    I wish I could give you the advice you are looking for... the magical key to make all of these wrongs right and stil have him. But that is not based on reality.

    You really WILL be better off, even if right now you are in a sad place.


    P.S. @Mods... My forum idea sounds pretty good doesn't it?
    I have to agree here. INTP's in general are not cheaters. But this INTP is clearly struggling with how he should prioritize his life, unlike a healthy INTP that has his shit in order. Marriage is not something you can just put aside, it is something you are in together.

    I don't doubt he is sincere in that he loves you. Him coming back all those times pretty much makes that a fact. But he is also misusing you. He is using you as his crutch.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  9. #19
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    @Hopeless ISFJ I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I echo some of the same sentiments other have said. Except I'm not so charitable. I know you are commited to this man and this marriage but with this new information and in light of his recent behavior, I would just cut to the chase and end it sooner than later. It seems clear to me that this man could only ever hurt you and leave you with, at best, a superficially acceptable marriage.

    Do you really want to go through all the intense emotional work of counseling and relationship mending only to be left to wonder through the coming years about his commitment and REAL feelings for you? To be left with doubts about his actual motivations and if he is eventually going to meet another "more compatible woman"? To wonder when and with which "equally educated and career focused" female coworker he's going to have his next fantasy relationship with?

    OMG, it sounds absolutely awful to me and I feel so much for you. If you were my friend, I would absolutely tell you to leave this man and not agonize over the "whys" and wonder what you could have done better or differently. I would really want you far away from this man. This is really about him and his issues and inability to have a functional relationship with a person that he's supposed to love.

    Just leave him be.

    An INFJ woman I dated told me this, and I think it is true across the board, "Once you tell someone they are not the one, you can NEVER go back". Your husband basically told you that you are NOT the one, in multiple ways, including telling you that he never loved you (which I think is one of the most selfish, bastardly things anyone can do), by asking for divorce, by cheating on you with an emotional affair and fantasizing about another woman, by physically leaving, etc. Just terrible, terrible, terrible.

    You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this and you WILL find better. I think perhaps 5 years with a man you sincerely thought you would be sharing the rest of you life with seems like too much of an investment to just "throw away". Particularly for an ISFJ. But, you did not throw this away. He did. Don't pick up the pieces at his request and try to put something back together from scraps. No matter how much your love or sense of duty to the relationship seems to tell you otherwise, do what's best for yourself. Not that I'm sympathetic to him, but this will also be much better for him in the long run and force him to grow up rather than blame you or use your relationship as a crutch.

    I am also thinking with the great distance that has been a part of your relationship from the start that neither of you had a chance to see what "the long haul" was going to be like and were in a more idealized and prolonged "honeymoon phase". Your husband did you a favor by finally showing his true colors, and they are not pretty. He obviously bit off more than he could chew amongst other things and when faced with the spectre of a real relationship, living together 24/7, he freaked out and realized his feelings and commitment are no where near where even he thought they were.

    So please, give him the divorce. This is NOT a man who is going to make you happy.

    And, you deserve to be happy.

    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

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  10. #20
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    I don't have a CLUE how you put up with any of that. He's an idiot, and you need to move on. I agree with everyone, you deserve to be happy.

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