[INTP] INTP and Fear of Rejection

[greenfairy]

Haha yeah, greenfairy does indeed refer to a female.

I have not had periods of depression, and the only real stress i have had comes from being a perfectionist. I'm just kind of nonsocial and figured it was because I was some kind of a freak. I can cover it up and be likeable, and be liked by most everyone, but my insecurity sometimes worries that it's a mask. It's not really; I act like myself- it's just an irrational fear from being the weird kid in school.

 

[greenfairy]

Avoidant personality disorder[1] (or anxious personality disorder)[2] is a personality disorder recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders handbook in a person characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction.

People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked. Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood. Childhood emotional neglect and peer group rejection (e.g. bullying) are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD.

There is controversy as to whether avoidant personality disorder is a distinct disorder from generalized social phobia and it is contended by some that they are merely different conceptualisations of the same disorder, where avoidant personality disorder may represent the more severe form.[3][4] This is argued because generalized social phobia and avoidant personality disorder have a similar diagnostic criteria and may share a similar causation, subjective experience, course, treatment, and identical underlying personality features, such as shyness.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

Well that does sound like me, but then again it sounds like a lot of people. I think it is just a response to circumstances. Psychologists want to label everything as a disorder. Not the most optimal way of functioning, but that's different from what I think of as a disorder.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Haha yeah, greenfairy does indeed refer to a female.

I have not had periods of depression, and the only real stress i have had comes from being a perfectionist. I'm just kind of nonsocial and figured it was because I was some kind of a freak. I can cover it up and be likeable, and be liked by most everyone, but my insecurity sometimes worries that it's a mask. It's not really; I act like myself- it's just an irrational fear from being the weird kid in school.

I quite like saying he/she though. It has a nice ring to it.

Well anyway, male INTP's also have it easier with the typical INTP problems than females do, because there is more pressure on females to 'be a certain way' which obviously doesn't sit well with any INTP. So I'd say that is probably the root of most of your 'issues' and that they will fade as you grow as an individual.

 

[Such Irony]

I am like 99% sure I am INTP, but (as I have mentioned in some of my posts) I have a constant underlying fear of rejection. From friends, potential friends, employers and potential employers, and especially lovers; even if we have had a good relationship for a really long time. I just expect that sooner or later people will discover that inside I'm really a freak and either lose interest in me or run away. I don't really need space in intimate relationships either, and if people are busy I kind of assume they don't really like me. I'm not very social though, because I kind of think not many people really want to hang out with me because they're busy when I suggest it and stuff. I mean, how do I really know?

I'm working on getting over this.

Do other INTP's have this problem (probably due to inferior Fe), or is this me acting like an INFP?

I relate to this somewhat. I think I had more of this problem when I was younger. I wanted to have friends but my social awkwardness made it difficult. I either expected them to make the first move or I would awkwardly make the first move and I would scare them away because I didn't have a good sense of when I was invading someone's space or talking about things that made the other person uncomfortable or looking like a know-it-all. This was especially true in my childhood and teen years.

After repeated episodes of rejection and feeling isolated, I learned to hold alot of myself back. I mostly gave up on trying to reach out to others. I expected others to always make the first move in establishing friendships. Because I didn't have many friends, I learned to compensate by enjoying my own company. I think I compensated so well that when I learned more social skills and made myself more likeable, when people finally did reach out to me, I wasn't so good about reciprocating that interest. I felt one of two things: 1) Are they really being sincere in their interest or is there some ulterior motive in reaching out to me? or 2) They are interested in me but they are coming on too strong and I feel like my personal space is being invaded.

Since college, there have been several friendships that have faded. Some of these could have been potentially long-term friendships but I think my own insecurity held me back from making them close friendships. I was afraid that eventually my friend would find out the real truth about me and no longer be interested in me or that my friend would demand too much of my time and I would have to be someone I wasn't for the friendship. I didn't directly reject my friends. I didn't outright tell them, I don't want to be friends anymore but I did do it more passively by calling and emailing them less and less until eventually they fell off my radar and I fell off theirs.

Ironically , my fear of rejection in a way has made me more rejected in the long run. By not putting myself out there for others enough, people think I'm not interested in them. They don't directly reject me outright but more indirectly by simply ignoring me and leaving me alone. While I do like and need alot of alone time, I'm not sure so much of it is healthy. I'm finally starting to realize after all of these years that I do need to take more risks emotionally and that the world is not going to end because of an occasional rejection.

In the temperament theory I'm familiar with, fear of rejection is common to introverts. (Extroverts have more of a confidence to approach people, or their need of attention outweighs any fear of rejection).

I think you may be right.

I have exact same problem. I get bored with people. After the first meeting most people don't interest me that much. Even few people I connect really well with don't wanna hang out with me cause I'm kinda weird. I don't think it has to do with insecurities though. Not sure what age you are but I learn to never let anyone in. No such thing as true friend where you can open up. I don't have any friends at the moment and I'm sure most of my previous friends are married or slave to corp world. I have no idea since I don't have facebook but I don't care cause we're not friends anymore.

I have the tendency to get bored easily with people too. I guess its hard to find people who truly share my core interests. I have alot of acquaintances but I have very few truly close friends. I have Facebook but rarely use it and my Facebook 'friends' are mostly relatives or colleagues from work, not close friends.

 

[greenfairy]

I can relate to a lot of this. Thanks for sharing.

 

[greenfairy]

I quite like saying he/she though. It has a nice ring to it.

Well anyway, male INTP's also have it easier with the typical INTP problems than females do, because there is more pressure on females to 'be a certain way' which obviously doesn't sit well with any INTP. So I'd say that is probably the root of most of your 'issues' and that they will fade as you grow as an individual.

I do think that has something to do with it. "Feminine" things like being personal and emotionally expressive were not natural to me, and I had to look around at how other girls acted and sort of put myself inside their heads to learn how to act normal. Now I can choose to act like a stereotypical girl, or be in touch with my masculine side, or both together, and it's fun.

I wondered the same and checked the user page to see he/she is 27. And asked if he/she perhaps had a long period of time of stress or depression. Because I also pin most of these issues on INTP immaturity. If he/she never had a proper environment in which to mature, it would make a lot of sense. I haven't yet got an answer to that, but if true (having had bouts of depression or lots of stress) then I think he/she is on the right track and thing will start falling into place before you know it.

Actually now that I think about it, I was rather unhappy for several years due to oppressive external circumstances (being made to go to school in a redneck town for 2 years, go to church even though I wasn't a Christian, being bullied by my stepmother, etc.) and combined with my lack of social skills (which were improving), I felt very socially isolated. I felt like no one knew the real me and that I couldn't show the real me to the world.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Now I can choose to act like a stereotypical girl, or be in touch with my masculine side, or both together, and it's fun.

Indeed it is, chameleon INTP is a powerful force. But it also creates an intellectual void between you and other people when you use it. In that this behaviour will not work with the few friends or the romantic partner you have. Or it would result in a mostly unhappy or unhealthy relationship. Chameleon INTP's rarily feel connected -at all- to humanity. In order to make it work well and keep you 'sane', you need extra time to use SiFe in order to relativate the behaviour.

 

[greenfairy]

In order to make it work well and keep you 'sane', you need extra time to use SiFe in order to relativate the behaviour.

Please explain what you mean by this, and why we would feel disconnected. Because we feel like people won't like the real person behind the disguise?

 

[Darya]

i'm INTP and i'm not so afraid of rejection consciously. i think i probably have that fear, but it plays out more through my actions, or rather inaction.

when i experience rejection with a lover, it really hurts, and with employers it really disappoints. in many ways, i probably structure my life to avoid those feelings. with friends i don't care so much, since i like to think that people are insane if they don't like me (i really like myself). what keeps my fear of rejection from completely taking over my life is probably just that-- my love for and acceptance of myself. i wouldn't assume that you aren't accepting of yourself, however. sometimes i notice that that fear is so much greater just when i know i care very deeply about something.

great post...

 

[Darya]

love your anonymous quote..... very cool

 

[Fluffywolf]

Please explain what you mean by this, and why we would feel disconnected. Because we feel like people won't like the real person behind the disguise?

A chameleon INTP has a natural tendency to shield themselves from others even more so than any other INTP, creating an unsurmountable void between that INTP and the rest of the world, by apparantly feeling their ownselves is not adequate for the situation at hand and being someone they think is how they should be... If you do that and you don't take your time to properly reflect on your actions and how you influence other people due to your actions, it can lead to a very autistic-like life. You would need to keep relativating it in order to stay sane. Basicly.

 

[Salomé]

I don't think she was talking about chameleoning.

I wouldn't have said INTPs have an excessive fear of rejection. Sometimes we don't fear it enough.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Yes, stressful situations can result in misplaced apathy.

 

[greenfairy]

A chameleon INTP has a natural tendency to shield themselves from others even more so than any other INTP, creating an unsurmountable void between that INTP and the rest of the world, by apparantly feeling their ownselves is not adequate for the situation at hand and being someone they think is how they should be... If you do that and you don't take your time to properly reflect on your actions and how you influence other people due to your actions, it can lead to a very autistic-like life. You would need to keep relativating it in order to stay sane. Basicly.

That's kind of accurate for me. But some people have now proposed that I'm more INFP. Is this entire thread simply more evidence of being INFP, or is it inferior Fe?

 

[Fluffywolf]

I actually forgot to finish one sentence in that post. Lolsensotard.

I'm just saying you should work on trying to understand typology more and when you do, the answers will come to you. A lot of this thread could be interpretted as Fi, but also lack of understanding Ti, which is natural for someone new to typology. It's not conclusive. Ultimately, you'll have to figure the most out for yourself if you want a clear answer. Because there is only so much we can do for you based on posts in written form on a forum.

 

[greenfairy]

I actually forgot to finish one sentence in that post. Lolsensotard.

I'm just saying you should work on trying to understand typology more and when you do, the answers will come to you. A lot of this thread could be interpretted as Fi, but also lack of understanding Ti, which is natural for someone new to typology. It's not conclusive. Ultimately, you'll have to figure the most out for yourself if you want a clear answer. Because there is only so much we can do for you based on posts in written form on a forum.

Well I didn't really mean to be asking everyone to figure me out, I just wanted to know if this is a common fear for INTP as opposed to being mainly characteristic of other types. I can attribute it to inferior Fe and Si (past experiences), but I wanted other people's opinions.

In what way do you think I lack understanding of Ti? I've read a lot about all the functions and thought I understood them, so if I am uninformed about something about them at this point I'll probably have to be told. I know Ti doesn't exhibit itself in this thread, but that's because of the nature of it. Irrational and excessive fears exist in spite of thinking. In fact, the process I use to reduce these is rather Ti in nature, if my understanding is correct. If I determine that I am feeling an emotion I go into my unconscious mind and ask it to talk to me (when I don't just ignore it). I uncover hidden beliefs, like I am unlovable. I determine, not true. I tell myself why I am not unlovable, and I tell myself the opposite. I look for evidence to support being lovable. I tell myself the truth over and over again, and eventually my unconscious mind starts to believe it. Then my fears are less intense the next time they come up.

It's kind of like a trouble shooting process.

 

[Fluffywolf]

I meant that your Ti doesn't yet understand all this, not that you lack Ti. You've got a ton of information, and now you need to make it your own. See how you can use it. It's a process.

 

[greenfairy]

Oh, I have my own conclusions. I just like to measure them against other people's perspectives. My opinion is that I am INTP using inferior Fe in this case. But if someone has a convincing argument to the contrary I'll listen and learn.

 

[Maxcool131]

I am like 99% sure I am INTP, but (as I have mentioned in some of my posts) I have a constant underlying fear of rejection. From friends, potential friends, employers and potential employers, and especially lovers; even if we have had a good relationship for a really long time. I just expect that sooner or later people will discover that inside I'm really a freak and either lose interest in me or run away. I don't really need space in intimate relationships either, and if people are busy I kind of assume they don't really like me. I'm not very social though, because I kind of think not many people really want to hang out with me because they're busy when I suggest it and stuff. I mean, how do I really know?

I'm working on getting over this.

Do other INTP's have this problem (probably due to inferior Fe), or is this me acting like an INFP?

I have these problems however probably the problems within my childhood have more to do with it.

 

[greenfairy]

I'm sure now that I've thought about it it has much more to do with life circumstances.