[INTP] "My Stormy and Painful Relationship with an INTP Man"

[Darya]

why do you guys think he may be married???

 

[Darya]

Thank you all for your great advice... As an INFJ , I value authencity .... especially regarding emotions and not to sound pompous, I never been WRONG about a man's romantic feelings for me!... but Im trying to be open to other's opinion, do you guys think he was not sincere about his feelings (initially or at the end) ??? I know the info does not give me any direction to take action but just wondering.....unsure:

 

[Starry]

why do you guys think he may be married???

Ahhhhhhhhhhh....I think it has to do with the fact that a few days after your initial meeting...a few days...he was shouting to you on the phone that 'he can't do this'...and 'he is sorry for being an asshole' (???). Granted he just had a heart attack...but no one really does this. If you have only known someone for a few days...you can just 'lose their number' so to speak. Or if it was me...I would use the whole 'heart attack' thing as an excuse to get out of the 'relationship'...but people don't act the way this guy acts after a few days. It seems like he felt guilty for something...and I'm not so sure that something was you.

None of your story sounds weird to you?

 

[Zarathustra]

Thank you all for your great advice... As an INFJ , I value authencity .... especially regarding emotions and not to sound pompous, I never been WRONG about a man's romantic feelings for me!... but Im trying to be open to other's opinion, do you guys think he was not sincere about his feelings (initially or at the end) ??? I know the info does not give me any direction to take action but just wondering.....unsure:

He is an emotionally fucked up INTP.

He doesn't understand his emotions.

In fact, in a certain respect, he barely even really has his own.

(Sorry, that last part is me bringing in my anti-Fe bias, but I think there's some truth to it.)

(If any function is related to personal emotions, it's Fi, which is the demonic [i.e., very last] function for an INTP.)

 

[Darya]

I

 

[Darya]

Yes starry i seemed strange but i dont mind weirdness...

 

[Darya]

he also called himself an ass hole the first night we talked bc he said due to nature of his job, he is not the best man for relationships, yet i continued,... May be I am to blamed too..

 

[Darya]

;(

 

[Darya]

I heard soo much about INTP's issues with romantic relationships..... so why you also read in some literature about their loyality, pure and honest expression of love and great compablity between INFJs and INTPs!!!?????? HELP

 

[Darya]

realistic yet optimistic reply thanks redbone

 

[violaine]

I heard soo much about INTP's issues with romantic relationships..... so why you also read in some literature about their loyality, pure and honest expression of love and great compablity between INFJs and INTPs!!!?????? HELP

Because that's what an INTP, (and many other people of other types), are like when they're in love. No two types are magically compatible and there's no way to game someone into a relationship. I'm INFJ dating an INTP guy. As with any other man, if I had to wonder if he was into me, I wouldn't be trying to have a relationship. I think that is a sinkhole. I don't mean any of this to sound harsh. I know shy guys can get a raw deal when women take the position of "unless he is beating down your door, he's not into you", but that's how I personally decide on whom to invest in emotionally. I think it's about having good boundaries and not running away with strong but unsubstantiated feelings. He has said he's not interested - and I know for a woman who isn't used to hearing that, that that can mess with her head. But for whatever reason, he isn't. Actually, I would take special note of it if an INTP man is saying it because IMO, they really mean it. However well you connected, he is done and is severing the connection and he sounds like he is being firm in letting you know. :/

It's very easy to get caught up trying to figure out this kind of puzzle and feeding the hope in the process. A person can become strongly attached to the puzzle. I stop myself when I find myself wondering about that kind of mystery because life is passing me by in the meantime.

And not that it has any bearing, but I also wondered if he was already involved with someone, or even met someone else, perhaps online. I suppose it's conceivable he's married to his work. In any case, I'd stamp him emotionally unavailable to you and move on.

Edit - Hope this doesn't sound too harsh. It's not a nice thing to go through but I think it's possible to protect oneself a little by waiting a while to emotionally invest in a person.

 

[think2much]

Doesn't sound like he's married or cheating on someone. To be honest he sounds very normal in my eyes. There's A LOT of stuff he's thinking about. Where the relationship is going, how he's going to adjust his life if he takes in the relationshp... etc. In a lot of cases I just get so overwhelm and drop everything. I think he felt like asshole for doing this. This is exactly how I would have communicated. I just feel guilty for not providing what other wants and blame it on myself.

It's so sad that a lot of people are telling the OP to drop him. A lot of girls have ignored me in the past cause they couldn't understand where I was coming from.

 

[Darya]

Dear Think2much, I really appreciate your post wich was rather controverisal here ...

 

[Intricate Mystic]

Sorry to hear that this happened to you. It must be causing you to question your judgement of people. Having been friends with a physicist, I do know they can get pretty caught up in particular experiments for several weeks at a time and be working under the pressure of a time deadline. They also may travel to other sites to do research in collaboration with other physicists because they need to share expensive research equipment. So, the INTP being busy and highly stressed for periods of time seems in keeping with his profession. I do wonder why he felt he was being an asshole getting involved with you, though. Him being busy and not always available for a relationship seems like a lame excuse. He should have let you be the judge of whether that was a problem or not. This does make me wonder if he's married. It's hard to think of a good explanation for that behavior. Another thought is that men's personalities often change noticeably after a heart-attack. I'm not sure if the cause of this is physical, psychological (the realization that they could have died) or a combination of the two. That in itself might explain the change in his behavior. Perhaps the heart attack caused him to realize he needs to make some drastic lifestyle changes if he wants to keep living. Maybe he decided that the stress of his career demands plus keeping up an intense relationship with you is really too much for him?

 

[Darya]

Thanks for your great post..... you are right.. Eventhough I didnt know him long before his heart attack, it seems that the health scare was a turning point for him.. In fact, despite the pressure from the government not to travel for personal reason,... he left the States and has gone to Russia to be with his parents who he has not seen for years and seems to be close to, for a few weeks...Great sense of intution, dear Intricate Mystic...

 

[Intricate Mystic]

Thanks for your great post..... you are right.. Eventhough I didnt know him long before his heart attack, it seems that the health scare was a turning point for him.. In fact, despite the pressure from the government not to travel for personal reason,... he left the States and has gone to Russia to be with his parents who he has not seen for years and seems to be close to, for a few weeks...Great sense of intution, dear Intricate Mystic...

Thank you. I'm glad to have thought of a helpful explanation.

 

[Tigerlily]

He's married.

You guys can , but his behavior doesn't suggest otherwise. Maybe even to the ISFJ chick!

I recommend adding, "Try INTJ.", at the end.

Not a bad suggestion.

why do you guys think he may be married???

I am a 33 year old INFJ woman , 2 months ago, met an 40 year old INTP man online.

This. Why is he single at 40? Did he mention any past relationships? That would be very high on my list of things to know!

Also, "Stormy and Painful" after only two months? Don't you think that's a bit dramatic?

We bonded and connected deeply on how we both are tired of having overly intellectual relationships and are eager to find someone who is truly compassionate, honest and has a great soul. During this time, he was less INTP and more emotional than even me!! we talked about poetry, philosophy... The connection was extraordinary to the extent that he even confessed his love for me when he seemed sincere and pure..... I felt the same but remained more in control of emotions. but have to say despite having romantic relationships in the past ,never felt this way....He is a physicist and is granted a multi million dollar for a project and has a crazy work hours and is under tremendous stress.

Sounds like something out of a novel. iow, too good to be true.

A few days after the initial meeting on line, while working late hours at lab, he had an heart attack for which I begged him via phone to seek medical help for, as he was trying to minimize the chest pain!! He finally called and was hospitalized for 2 days. The day after his health scare, he said on the phone ( while shouting) that he can't do this..... continue this....... apologized that he is an ass hole for hurting me... I was really sad, and we both cried like teenagers and I said I would like to be a part of his life even as a friend. He left the country for a month and when he came back, called me, we met..... The connection was incredibly intense on emotional , spiritual, as well as intellectual, and physical level.. We didn’t have sex but kissed...

His heart attack brought him back to reality.

He left the country and once again said he will be back in 4 months .. promised to call as soon as he can. when I called him 10 days later, he stated that he will call in 20 days and when he did, he gave me some update about his project..... and that he will be back in 4 months... and I asked him "if he had missed me?"... this is when (similar to the day after his heart attack), he became anxious , stating that he "does not miss me and in fact , he does not love anyone and he wants to be alone!...... But what has been the most hurtful is when he refused to even explain the LOGIC behind his sudden and bizzare change of heart....

Doesn't this raise any red flags? As a therapist, you should be able to see how this isn't usual behavior of an available man. Also, once again, single at 40?

I tried to remain as calm as I possibly could, and asked him to at least email, but he refused.... I am very sad not only because of the ending but mainly because now I am questioning the sincerity of his feelings... As an INFJ, (and therapist!!), I have been a great judge of people... I really Need inputs from all, especially INTP men... Thanks

We all think we're good judges of character, but the truth is some people can blindside you, especially when you really want something to work out. Distance yourself emotionally and you'll see how fos he seems to us, based on your description of him.

Also, I really wish people would stop using a persons "type" as an excuse! Everyone is capable of less than desirable behavior. There are plenty of "INTP's" that are in happy relationships without any bullshit! It's not an epidemic.

 

[Zarathustra]

Also, I really wish people would stop using a persons "type" as an excuse! Everyone is capable of less than desirable behavior. There are plenty of "INTP's" that are in happy relationships without any bullshit! It's not an epidemic.

I don't think anyone's using it as an excuse.

I think it's a recognition of a tendency (of course, this is the same boring argument that recurs ad nauseam on this forum).

I know you've been posting more lately, but I don't think you've been around too much for the last year; these threads really have been an epidemic.

They are so disproportionally represented that one would have to be willfully blind to deny that fact if one were presented with all the evidence.

 

[RaptorWizard]

 

[Starry]

Yes Starry, things were strange but for me, weirdness is not a reason to be concerned bc as as an INFJ, I am a bit strange too I May have to mention that I have been told that I am very attractive, classy, charming ... and often drew men attention and this was something that he mentioned .... so I knew he didnt feel pressured by me or felt that I am desprete.. I stayed bc i truly cared and Care ;( as an INFJ and as a woman who made connex...

Oh whoops...I didn't see that I had been responded to until just now.

In my laziness I see now that I used the wrong word. Because I agree...I like *weird* myself. I should have used the word 'fishy or 'off' or something like that as that is what I meant. For example...if he is unable to provide you with a reasonable explanation as to why he doesn't want to continue in a relationship with you...something seems *fishy* to me there. <--- But maybe he ISN'T hiding anything from you. Perhaps, like others have suggested, it is not unusual for an (unhealthy) INTP to behave in this fashion. Or not...I don't really know. But I do agree that there sure have been quite a few threads started about INTPs that seem to...at least somewhat...mirror your experience. Still, in the end, I really could care less what his type is. If he is treating you this poorly within the first few months you have known him...then god only knows what a future with him would have in store for you. It seems to me that you deserve so much better.