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  1. #41
    Junior Member Elusivity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vague View Post
    INTPs don't do that. They are opportunists and they put their own emotional comfort and safety above all. They won't get out of their way to love you, even if they might be having strong feelings for you. They will choose convenience over feeling, logic over emotion. They'll never say "I love you" because they know they cannot accept this statement as true. If they don't know how to trust those feelings, they will fear and avoid them. They will shun you too, because you are the source of turbulence. It's a paradox how their "rational love" prevents them from making promises they cannot keep, mainly because they know they are selfish and that they will eventually hurt you, so they do not want you to get attached to them. And they usually do hurt you.... One day they may disappear, leaving no traces of blood behind. They will assume you'll be fine, you'll just move on and forget about them as they will easily forget about you. They have no guilt because they made no promise. But your heart will have been murdered.
    This is a great description of the morass an INTP can descend into in these situations ;D When younger, it was me to a T. Now older and much more in touch with feelings, I am experiencing it from the side. It's frustrating in that I could see exactly what's happening, but there is simply no way to reassure an INTP that everything can work out. They have to develop to know and trust in their own feelings, and that takes both time and experience. (I find ENTPs can have the same issues, but are more likely to do a rapid running back-and-forth, whereas INTP will probably stay away forever.)

    Karma's a damn bitch sometimes.

    From personal experience, INTP won't necessarily forget about you. Once you proceed to the point where we become emotional, it's actually a HUGE disturbance in our inner world. I used to spend nights unable to sleep because my brain was FREAKING OUT non-stop looping, trying to think itself out of the morass, and have carried the seeds of that freak out, as well as guilt, for years after. Now of course I see the problem: you can't think your way in or out of feelings; you can only go by feel.

  2. #42
    right on the left wing Philosorapteuse's Avatar
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    Interesting. I couldn't say I was that much like this in relationships. I rarely get into them, because I'm seldom attracted to people - and yes, I'll take convenience over most things, so it's got to be something really exceptional for me to make the effort. (Finding someone attractive can itself be exceptional. :P ) Once I'm in a relationship though, I'm loyal, willing to work on it, and talk issues over instead of just seething. Which takes conscious effort, because baring my soul and intimacy don't come that naturally to me, but it can be done. I'm more sensitive than people tend to think - a flippant remark that hits home will stay with me for years, which is why I'm slow to open my heart to people. I want to be sure. But I'd rather be the one hurting than the one causing the hurt. If I like someone enough to go out with them, then I care about them and want them to be happy, and that goes on after we've split. I don't do jealousy, or clinginess, or over-analysing things, as I tend to take people at face value in that kind of close relationship. I don't tell people I love them unless I'm sure that I do, because I think that's a horrible thing to have to take back.

    All that said, it doesn't surprise me when I'm sometimes described as "cold" or "unromantic". I don't believe in soulmates. I work on an assumption that most relationships don't last forever, even if I assume they'll continue until given reason to believe otherwise. I need my space like I need air. I don't want to do everything together - I need my own life and my own friends, really can't cope with joined-at-the-hip. I don't care about hearts and flowers and birthdays - they're nice, but they're basically windowdressing for the actually important things. My standards are high, and they're not that flexible; I have a zero-tolerance policy with bullshit, and I've never regretted it. Friends of mine have sometimes asked me how it is that I don't end up with horrible partners. It's very simple! I just don't let them near me in the first place, or say goodbye if I didn't realise they were failsome! Two strikes and you're out. I really don't understand why this isn't the obvious solution to everyone, but clearly it isn't. I don't want to be with the kind of person who'll play games, or manipulate, or guilt trip, or be clingy and overly needy, or require me to fit into "feminine" roles, or be jealous or paranoid or controlling. So pretty much as soon as I can tell that that's part of someone's character rather than a slip-up, I'm gone, without any long-term regrets, even if I currently have feelings for them. It's not going to work out long term for either of us. I am what I am; I want to be with someone who'll like what that is, and if I don't find one, I'm my own person. It hurts like hell at the time. I've never split with someone without crying, even though I absolutely know it's the right decision at the time. I don't want to make people unhappy, and I want to be decent to them. But why would I stay and waste both our our time? That's just not fair on either party.
    "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." --William James

    I'd be a card-carrying sensotard, but I can't find the goddamn card.

  3. #43
    Junior Member languidgrace's Avatar
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    Well I'm an INTP, and I tend to back off when guys pursue me aggressively. So I suggest you not to do anything, just go with the flow. Something great might happen
    Out of sight, out of mind.

  4. #44
    Junior Member Vague's Avatar
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    Once I'm in a relationship though, I'm loyal, willing to work on it, and talk issues over instead of just seething. Which takes conscious effort, because baring my soul and intimacy don't come that naturally to me, but it can be done. I'm more sensitive than people tend to think - a flippant remark that hits home will stay with me for years, which is why I'm slow to open my heart to people.

    But I'd rather be the one hurting than the one causing the hurt. If I like someone enough to go out with them, then I care about them and want them to be happy, and that goes on after we've split. I don't do jealousy, or clinginess, or over-analysing things, as I tend to take people at face value in that kind of close relationship. I don't tell people I love them unless I'm sure that I do, because I think that's a horrible thing to have to take back.

    I don't care about hearts and flowers and birthdays - they're nice, but they're basically windowdressing for the actually important things.

    I am what I am; I want to be with someone who'll like what that is, and if I don't find one, I'm my own person. It hurts like hell at the time. I've never split with someone without crying, even though I absolutely know it's the right decision at the time. I don't want to make people unhappy, and I want to be decent to them.
    I am 99,9% sure you are a mistyped INFP You are full of Fi controlled by Te (me thinks)

  5. #45
    right on the left wing Philosorapteuse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vague View Post
    I am 99,9% sure you are a mistyped INFP You are full of Fi controlled by Te (me thinks)
    So very much no, though I can see why you might get that from that particular post. I'm INTP all the way down - all my F is to do with other people. I've just spent the last few years making a huge effort to develop my F after being called out on being harsh and lacking empathy (at some cost to my mental health, I should add. Difficult social circle with lots of poor social skills, ESFJ mother...) As a result, I've developed principles about what is and isn't an OK way to treat people - I want to be fair and treat people well, at least partly because not to do so means I'm being inconsistent when I resent their being asses to me, and I hate hypocrisy. But I don't need them, exactly. I don't really value feelings as much as thought, but I make an effort to accommodate them because other people value them. On the inside I often feel dismissive and annoyed by people being squishy or irrelevant. I just don't think it's OK for me to give in and express that the way I did when I was 14.
    "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." --William James

    I'd be a card-carrying sensotard, but I can't find the goddamn card.

  6. #46
    Junior Member Vague's Avatar
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    @Philosorapteuse Yes, it is a tricky distinction between IN_Ps cause we share so many similarities. I've struggled myself too with malfunctioning Fe so when taking online tests I still lay trapped in the T/F scale. You know yourself as a person so you are probably right. A single post can indeed be misleading.

  7. #47
    Senior Member Ism's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Philosorapteuse View Post
    Once I'm in a relationship though, I'm loyal, willing to work on it, and talk issues over instead of just seething. Which takes conscious effort, because baring my soul and intimacy don't come that naturally to me, but it can be done. I'm more sensitive than people tend to think - a flippant remark that hits home will stay with me for years, which is why I'm slow to open my heart to people. I want to be sure. But I'd rather be the one hurting than the one causing the hurt. If I like someone enough to go out with them, then I care about them and want them to be happy, and that goes on after we've split. I don't do jealousy, or clinginess, or over-analysing things, as I tend to take people at face value in that kind of close relationship. I don't tell people I love them unless I'm sure that I do, because I think that's a horrible thing to have to take back.

    All that said, it doesn't surprise me when I'm sometimes described as "cold" or "unromantic". I don't believe in soulmates. I work on an assumption that most relationships don't last forever, even if I assume they'll continue until given reason to believe otherwise.
    You are so beautiful a person. ;^;

    This basically describes my outlook on the relationship I'm in now. I'm trying my hardest to communicate anything I really feel uncomfortable with, and things I really like as well. Both things are unfamiliar and really, really scary territory for me, since, unsurprisingly (INTP dur dur) I tend to keep most things bottled up inside.

    Thankfully, I'm with an ENTP now, so he gets a lot of how I communicate since he's more or less the same, and we try and keep things as level as possible.

    What I like most about your post (and the rest of it), though, is that it takes everything important to the INTP archetype and translates that into a (personally) ideal approach to a relationship.

    It's easy to see how others would interpret it as much less romantic, though, lul. It's so damn cerebral, that's for sure. But we feeeeeeeel.

  8. #48
    right on the left wing Philosorapteuse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ism View Post
    You are so beautiful a person. ;^;

    What I like most about your post (and the rest of it), though, is that it takes everything important to the INTP archetype and translates that into a (personally) ideal approach to a relationship.

    It's easy to see how others would interpret it as much less romantic, though, lul. It's so damn cerebral, that's for sure. But we feeeeeeeel.
    Aw, thank you. It might be INTP-ideal, not so sure about other types! XD Maybe we should stick to the xNTPs...
    "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." --William James

    I'd be a card-carrying sensotard, but I can't find the goddamn card.

  9. #49
    Junior Member SheeplyShu's Avatar
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    They totally are

  10. #50
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    Edit: It wasn't until after posting that I realized that I'm about four years too late. But I'm going to leave my post in case anyone else is dealing with a similar situation.

    Well here's my opinion as a female INTP.

    INTPs are scared of relationships, period. They are scared of feelings, of committment, of other people needing emotional support... Basically everything a relationship is. They also don't really need other people. So your guy has a fundamental disinclination for a relationship with ANYONE.

    It's not about whether he likes you or not. He does, trust me. But does he need you? Sometimes. But sometimes not. One thing you are going to need to figure out is whether you can be okay with being his "sometimes" person. If your heart is going to be shattered every time he walks away for time somewhere else, (whether it's someONE else or just personal space) then it just won't work.

    This isn't to say that you can't find a common ground to work with, however. One plus about INTPs is that they are good at understanding things if they are put in an analytical form. It may still be difficult for him to explore feelings and needs, but that's something I highly encourage you to do with him. I recommend lists. Lists of needs and expectations may help bridge the gap between the "scary emotional stuff" and tangible things that he can grasp.

    Whatever you do, don't wait around hoping for him to change. He will never be able to fill all of your needs, even if he does improve in some areas. The question is, will you find someone else who is better at filling them, or can you find ways to fill many of your own needs yourself? (eg. a best friend for emotional support, a dog for a constant companion...)

    Lastly, in defense of INTPs ... We aren't actually cruel and heartless. Our needs just look different from everyone else's. We have feelings, and we don't want to hurt anyone, but we are REALLY terrible at emotional support.

    Anyway, I hope this helps. Good luck to you both.
    Last edited by effedlikamarshmallow; 04-22-2016 at 05:29 AM. Reason: Realized I'm posting on a very old thread

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